I Really Need Some Help

[Guest Angelsensui]

I’m sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I have a serious problem. I don’t know if I’m a transsexual. To be honest, I don’t know what I am anymore. I have had this problem for a while but I’ve constantly been righting it off. I remember this going back early, like 3 or 4 years old. Now, I’ve been around my mom a lot more when I was growing up so maybe this was due to confusion but I remember actually sitting down to go to the bathroom. But my dad told me that girls sit down and guys stand. My next memory was at about 5. I had watched a movie, The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons. In it, there is a scene where Fred and Barney attempt to win money at an elite society poker game. There, Fred dresses up as a Southern gentleman and Barny as his wife. Now, I was really into pretend and I would learn all the lines in movies and all the lyrics to songs and perform them. For some reason when I saw Barney like that, I just had to dress like a girl.

Guess since I saw Barney do it, I thought it was ok. As I’ve grown up, I have been around my mom and her friends a lot more. Like during the summer, (since I was 6) we would go visit my mom’s sister and their friends at the restaurant where she worked and I was always just comfortable. I never felt awkward being around a bunch of women. Now, I’ve always had friends, and they’ve always been boys. I actually felt awkward around girls my age when I was younger. But anyways, when we would hang out, I found it more enjoyable to sit around and talk, go for walks and talk, make up stories, stuff like that. I never really liked playing games like baseball, football, basketball, or anything. Not that I wasn’t good, I just didn’t like it. I would usually just sit on the sides and keep score just so I didn’t have to play. I mean, my friends and I would play catch but we would also talk about ourselves.

I think I became more aware of this problem as I grew into my teens. You know besides the usual starting to notice girls, I had other weird feelings. Now to be honest, I have no idea when this started, my guess around 11 or 12 but I became obsessed at the anime type stories of guys turning into girls (Ranma ½) and I wanted the same, initially wanting to be able to turn into a girl, but later to just be a girl. This is when things started getting worse, by about 13 I was taking bra’s and underwear and wearing them when no one was home or asleep, or I would stuff my shirt when I slept so it looked like I had boobs. I just wrote it all off. See, I remembered in health class that boys and girls act weird in puberty and I assumed that’s all this was, my hormones acting up and I would grow out of this one day. But now, I don’t think that’s the case.

I am 19 now, about to turn 20 and I’m really scared. I've only really started thinking about this stuff lately. I mean, I keep my hair and nails long and I wanted them long since I was a kid not because I’m into rock or anything like that, but because its always felt natural, like that’s the way it’s supposed to be. I like being told I’m cute, not handsome. When I’ve been with a girl, and saw their bodies, I wanted to look like that. I hate having body hair, but I keep some on my legs and arms so no one will say anything. What I am scared of is the fact that I still like girls. I want to be a girl yet I still like girls. Is that weird? I mean, I've read that there are people out there who get their sex changed just so they can be lesbians. THAT’S NOT THE CASE WITH ME! I'm not doing this to get some sick thrill, I want to be a girl but I still like girls. I don’t want to go through all this and find out that deep down, I am just a pervert. I just don’t know what to do now. I know I need to talk to someone but I don’t know who. I don’t have a lot of money so I can’t talk to a psychologist and the people I know aren’t the deep thinking type.

I've just been feeling so empty lately. Not an empty sad, just empty like I don’t feel anything. Like no matter what I do, I’ll be miserable. If I stay the way I am, and let everyone keep thinking that I'm just the average 19 year old boy, I know I’ll end up regretting it, but if I come out and say this, then how will everyone act? My dad will probably disown me and he’d go into denial and then blame my mom, my mom would probably be so embarrassed, my sister too, my friends would be too weirded out to still be my friends, and how many girls do you know would want to say; “Oh by the way, my girlfriend used to be a boy.” I’d be a girl, but I’d have no one and what if I regretted it even going through this process? God, I feel like I’m a freak. I used to be so gung-ho on being a girl, but now that I really stop to think about it, I don’t know what to do, I need help. What should I do and what am I?

[MaryEllen]

Hello Angelsensui,

The confusion you are having is not uncommon to many if not most of our members. One day you're 100% sure that you are transsexual. The next day something might come up and now you're not sure of what you are. These are very common feelings. One thing you should not do is consider yourself a freak because you are not. Don't ever think that. Because of your confusion, I would advise you to seek the services of a gender therapist. If you don't have much money, many will work on an ability to pay situation.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

A question I would ask is, are you still financially dependent on your parents? If so and you feel that they would kick you out and/or disenherit you, I would advise you to keep your feelings to yourself for now. Once you are financially stable you can tell them or not as you desire. It's your life and you can't live it according to what others think you should be. It's true that you may lose your family and friends but if you have to spend your entire life denying what you are, will it be worth the cost? Too many times situations like this end up as suicide. I'm sure you don't want that and we don't want that for you either. Don't make any decisions in haste. Take your time and carefully make your plans as to where you are going on this. A gender therapist can help you sort out these questions and confusion that you have. I would really advise that you do this.

MaryEllen

[Guest Sergei]

Hey, your story sound amazingly similar to mine, except the other way around. All of the feeling and stages you went through as a child are the same as mine. Even stuffing your shirt to sleep, except I would stuff my pants.

I want to be a girl yet I still like girls. Is that weird? I mean, I've read that there are people out there who get their sex changed just so they can be lesbians. THAT’S NOT THE CASE WITH ME! I'm not doing this to get some sick thrill, I want to be a girl but I still like girls. I don’t want to go through all this and find out that deep down, I am just a pervert.

I was so sure I was going to transition when I was 18, but like you I found that I was also attracted to the gender I believed I should have been born, men. I backed out of transitioning at the time because of this, and also like you said, because I thought "what if I'm some kind of weird pervert!" I didn't transition at the time, and spent two years in a really bad state. The turning point for me was when I came on to the internet and learning about other transpeople. I learnt that being gay and transgender/transsexual was completely normal, and nothing to worry about.

This is a great place to be, and all the people here will really be able to relate to you, and hopefully help you to work out exactly what you need to do. Try not to worry oo much about family and friends. This was something that majorly worried me in the beginning, but when I finally came out my family did find it hard at first, but they all stuck by me. True friends will also stand by you, and anybody that won't wasn't a really friend anyway.

[Guest Michelle M]

You definitely sound transsexual to me. Your feelings are not sexual in nature, they are emotional. You are NOT a freak. Everything you say about growing up.. sounds like very strong signs. Your feelings might become stronger, and more difficult to ignore or suppress. But only YOU can determine what's right for you. Seek a therapist and get that diagnosis if you aren't sure. Ultimately, don't let someone else decide for you if you should transition or not. Don't ask people if you should transition or not. Only you can make that decision. Eventually it could get to the point where it's not even a decision anymore. It's just something you'll do without abandon.

Don't be afraid about liking girls. I was worried about the lesbian thing too, at first. The female hormones might change your orientation, as they did for me. I like guys now, I've even started dating my best guy friend of 11 years. I saw a special on Discovery Health, it said only 1 in 4 MTFs that originally liked girls remain lesbian. Also, it's ok to be a girl and still like girls. You aren't doing this for the sex, I know that much. Sexual Identity and Sexual Orientation are 2 different things, don't mix them up. Take care of your identity first, then your orientation will naturally follow.

[Guest Angelsensui]

Yeah, I guess youre right. But I'm still conserened about this empty feeling. As I said, its not an sad empty, its just an emotionless, what does it matter feeling. I have never once thought about suicide but i just remember being so sure that I wanted to be a girl and now that I'm finally letting it all out (this is actually the first time I've ever talked to ANYONE about this) I am starting to get this "maybe I should think twice" thought. Is that normal?

[MaryEllen]

Yes it is normal. You should definately think it over twice before arriving at any permanent decision.

MaryEllen

[Guest Toph]

Wow....this sounds familier, this sounds like the exact same situation i'm in.... and i don't know what to do about it, i should probably see a therapist but i wouldn't know how to, let alone tell my family how i'm feeling, i don't think they would understand.

[Guest KyleMicheal]

Yeah, I guess youre right. But I'm still conserened about this empty feeling. As I said, its not an sad empty, its just an emotionless, what does it matter feeling. I have never once thought about suicide but i just remember being so sure that I wanted to be a girl and now that I'm finally letting it all out (this is actually the first time I've ever talked to ANYONE about this) I am starting to get this "maybe I should think twice" thought. Is that normal?

thinking is what you'll be doing. Doubting is good. Making sure is good. Finding yourself is good.

I've had that emotionless feeling before. I know how it feels. (like water. it's there, but it's tasteless)

but you will get through this...