Dysphoria/fears/everyday Crap

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

This past week has been hard enough and it just keeps getting worse.

I went from being down about things going on.

Today I had a Doctors appointment. Which meant public. Which meant SHOWER.

And I think that with having to deal with the fact that I may have to go through """"The Nightmare"""" may have made it hit hard but I got BAD GD today >.< While I was in the shower I saw my body and was like "I should just do the surgery myself..."

I hurried up and got out before I could do ANY damage.

Fears that I have and I know that this has happened to other FtMs before I always worry about walking somewhere and being raped Being beaten... Always worrying.

I know we all go through this and it's not just me and that makes me feel just a tad bit better to know that I am not alone.

But sometimes I forget that I am not alone... And feel so alone... Hard to explain but I am sure you all get it...???

I just hope that I can get through all this before doing something really really stupid >.<

[Guest Karson]

This past week has been hard enough and it just keeps getting worse.

I went from being down about things going on.

Today I had a Doctors appointment. Which meant public. Which meant SHOWER.

And I think that with having to deal with the fact that I may have to go through """"The Nightmare"""" may have made it hit hard but I got BAD GD today >.< While I was in the shower I saw my body and was like "I should just do the surgery myself..."

I hurried up and got out before I could do ANY damage.

Fears that I have and I know that this has happened to other FtMs before I always worry about walking somewhere and being raped Being beaten... Always worrying.

I know we all go through this and it's not just me and that makes me feel just a tad bit better to know that I am not alone.

But sometimes I forget that I am not alone... And feel so alone... Hard to explain but I am sure you all get it...???

I just hope that I can get through all this before doing something really really stupid >.<

I feel you

you just have to stay confident I hate my body but i have found that working out has made my dysphoria a lot better i can focus on looking at my muscle improvement.

[Guest Liam]

I know how you feel, bud. I so get it. I haven't even been to the doctor in years for the same reason. Showers I can deal with, but the thought of anyone - even a doctor - seeing me naked is enough to really freak me out bad. Heck, I can't even let anyone see me without a binder. I deliberately made sure the last place I was living in didn't have many mirrors, but I just moved into a new place with lots of mirrors, and it's terrible. I don't like looking at myself, and it's getting worse. And the feeling of being alone is the worst. It's really hard, especially when the only people who really understand are only connected to us via the internet. But somehow, we'll pull through. Hang in there and try not to do anything rash. Things will get better. They have to.

[Guest My_Genesis]

I have been having a lot of chest dysphoria lately... or not really dysphoria but self-consciousness. I am a straight guy so I understand how guys are about boobs lol. And I keep thinking guys are gonna stare at my chest so I don't wanna go out at all without binding. I just want them gone and I wanna pass in public.

You are not alone... though I know what you mean about feeling alone even though you aren't.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I know how you feel, bud. I so get it. I haven't even been to the doctor in years for the same reason. Showers I can deal with, but the thought of anyone - even a doctor - seeing me naked is enough to really freak me out bad. Heck, I can't even let anyone see me without a binder. I deliberately made sure the last place I was living in didn't have many mirrors, but I just moved into a new place with lots of mirrors, and it's terrible. I don't like looking at myself, and it's getting worse. And the feeling of being alone is the worst. It's really hard, especially when the only people who really understand are only connected to us via the internet. But somehow, we'll pull through. Hang in there and try not to do anything rash. Things will get better. They have to.

I am trying! This was the first time it's ever happened to me. I honestly have to say they never bugged me before it was completely odd Sometimes I wonder about myself >.< I used to like them then when the thing in the shower happened I was just so like It's finally hitting me and I am NOT ready for this >.<

I have been having a lot of chest dysphoria lately... or not really dysphoria but self-consciousness. I am a straight guy so I understand how guys are about boobs lol. And I keep thinking guys are gonna stare at my chest so I don't wanna go out at all without binding. I just want them gone and I wanna pass in public.

You are not alone... though I know what you mean about feeling alone even though you aren't.

I don't like it when people look at mine either >.< Even if I was a girl I KNOW that I wouldn't like it. It's kinda twisted I guess. It doesn't help that my whole gender crap is all OVER THE PLACE. I don't even know anymore >.<

Yeah I hate that feeling *sigh*

I need to get out more maybe

[Remus]

Dude.

*epic glomp*

Firstly, even though you obviously know this yourself, I'll say it anyway - do not try to do the surgery yourself. I tried that back in February with Mum's breadknife after I'd had a shower and the exact same reasoning passed through my poor dysphoric mind. Hurt like buggery (as, you know, trying to lop your own breasts off will do), and the only thing it really achieved, apart from faint scars, was more pain when binding. So please, pretty pretty please with chocolate-dipped cherries on top, don't do that to yourself. Any part of yourself, be it self-top surgery, mental-pain-relieving cutting or otherwise. *hugs*

If by The Nightmare you mean a doc's appointment for 'down there' or mammograms etc., sincerest sympathies. I'm 23 and d'you think I've ever been for such a visit? (Yes, I should, no, I won't). The thought of being topless (and binderless) in front of anyone, my Mum, closest friend, doctor or otherwise with the blobmonsters I have (DD last time I was measured. Which was back in 2003 ) makes me feel physically sick. The thought of being completely starkers... *curls into ball and looks for closest defensive weapon* No, just, no.

The bit about mirrors is odd, though. Some days pre-/post-shower I can't bear to look at my chest at all, and then some days I'll have a shower, stand in front of the mirror and admire and appreciate them as though they were on someone else's body. If I look down and see them attached and all, then just watch the dysphoria hit. But yes, until I look down or accidentally brush them with the towel or whatever and remember that they're actually part of me, some days (not all, but some) it's like looking at some random woman's breasts, not this wee transguy's. Actually in the shower it's a different story, I always either look up or close my eyes, and sometimes even manage to forget they're there, until I look down and am brought none-too-gently back to earth.

And even before I knew I was trans, I'd wear low-cut tops ('cause, y'know, all women just love and are proud of their breasts *facepalm*) but very quickly would always end up feeling spectacularly awkward and uncomfortable, and would always end up throwing on a jumper as soon as I could.

Anyhoo, take care, if you feel like you're spiralling downwards towards hurting yourself come here or seek other help (trust me, hurting yourself does not help at all), and never forget you're not alone in this - as the other guys and I have said (or ranted about at length ), we all know exactly what you mean.

*hugs*

xox Remus

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I feel you

you just have to stay confident I hate my body but i have found that working out has made my dysphoria a lot better i can focus on looking at my muscle improvement.

How is it that I always miss posts >.<

*hugs*

I have decided that when I am home alone I am going to go in the bathroom and do "pushups" against the washer since I can't do them on the floor (I can't push myself up) so that I can start to feel some what better about my body.

Dude.

*epic glomp*

Firstly, even though you obviously know this yourself, I'll say it anyway - do not try to do the surgery yourself. I tried that back in February with Mum's breadknife after I'd had a shower and the exact same reasoning passed through my poor dysphoric mind. Hurt like buggery (as, you know, trying to lop your own breasts off will do), and the only thing it really achieved, apart from faint scars, was more pain when binding. So please, pretty pretty please with chocolate-dipped cherries on top, don't do that to yourself. Any part of yourself, be it self-top surgery, mental-pain-relieving cutting or otherwise. *hugs*

If by The Nightmare you mean a doc's appointment for 'down there' or mammograms etc., sincerest sympathies. I'm 23 and d'you think I've ever been for such a visit? (Yes, I should, no, I won't). The thought of being topless (and binderless) in front of anyone, my Mum, closest friend, doctor or otherwise with the blobmonsters I have (DD last time I was measured. Which was back in 2003 ) makes me feel physically sick. The thought of being completely starkers... *curls into ball and looks for closest defensive weapon* No, just, no.

The bit about mirrors is odd, though. Some days pre-/post-shower I can't bear to look at my chest at all, and then some days I'll have a shower, stand in front of the mirror and admire and appreciate them as though they were on someone else's body. If I look down and see them attached and all, then just watch the dysphoria hit. But yes, until I look down or accidentally brush them with the towel or whatever and remember that they're actually part of me, some days (not all, but some) it's like looking at some random woman's breasts, not this wee transguy's. Actually in the shower it's a different story, I always either look up or close my eyes, and sometimes even manage to forget they're there, until I look down and am brought none-too-gently back to earth.

And even before I knew I was trans, I'd wear low-cut tops ('cause, y'know, all women just love and are proud of their breasts *facepalm*) but very quickly would always end up feeling spectacularly awkward and uncomfortable, and would always end up throwing on a jumper as soon as I could.

Anyhoo, take care, if you feel like you're spiralling downwards towards hurting yourself come here or seek other help (trust me, hurting yourself does not help at all), and never forget you're not alone in this - as the other guys and I have said (or ranted about at length ), we all know exactly what you mean.

*hugs*

xox Remus

Okay I KNOW what a glomp is But what is an epic glomp? Is it the same as a huggle glomp?

I am never going to try as much as I want them gone. Things have been odd with me. I have NEVER felt that bad before >.< They never bothered me >.< I don't understand why all of a sudden they did. I am working on the not cutting otherwise part, going day by day for now *hugs*

Yeah that's what I mean by the "Nightmare" It's a very scary thing

As much as you will hate it, it's a good idea to start going though Just in case.

I used to do that too >.< I hardly bind now >.< I don't have a binder that fits and the tank top that I use only works if I also have a tank top on as well then the shirt that I want to wear >.<

You can rant anytime

Thank you

And yeah I know it's not helpful in the end. But in the moment...

*hugs*

Love,

LeeAsher

[Flint]

If you've not been cutting as much, or dealing with the cutting issue it would mean some problems you were perhaps hiding from through self harming are now resurfacing. The self harm isn't just about the pain your currently feeling it's also about control and a fear that perhaps if you don't cut the emotions will get worse, therefore actually avoiding certain other issues. It's a distraction technique (A bad distraction technique) not only for the pain that made you cut but other things bubbling under the surface. Things your subconscious knows but hides from.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

If you've not been cutting as much, or dealing with the cutting issue it would mean some problems you were perhaps hiding from through self harming are now resurfacing. The self harm isn't just about the pain your currently feeling it's also about control and a fear that perhaps if you don't cut the emotions will get worse, therefore actually avoiding certain other issues. It's a distraction technique (A bad distraction technique) not only for the pain that made you cut but other things bubbling under the surface. Things your subconscious knows but hides from.

It's odd though because I been cutting more this past week than I have ever before >.< This is the first time that I have cut nearly every single day, and more than once >.< Today I even took a shower and didn't have a problem >.< I don't get it! How can I never have had a problem than get GD so bad then not get it again...???

I don't get GD as bad as other guys (or as much for that matter) does that make me... Not FtM or something...????

[Flint]

It's odd though because I been cutting more this past week than I have ever before >.< This is the first time that I have cut nearly every single day, and more than once >.< Today I even took a shower and didn't have a problem >.< I don't get it! How can I never have had a problem than get GD so bad then not get it again...???

I don't get GD as bad as other guys (or as much for that matter) does that make me... Not FtM or something...????

No one other than yourself can say whether you're truly FTM or not.

A lot of people have worse days than others. Some days people can not seem to bothered, and others it can be tearing them apart. It doesn't make them any less FTM

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

No one other than yourself can say whether you're truly FTM or not.

A lot of people have worse days than others. Some days people can not seem to bothered, and others it can be tearing them apart. It doesn't make them any less FTM

I hope this doesn't show up twice!!

But

A fellow brother (not from this site) said that I am not FtM because I don't have GD as much as other guys and I act too feminine and crap like that >.< And also the way I act in "relationships". It's annoying and it makes me wonder sometimes... He said a lot of rude things to me

(I wish I could remember everything else I wrote but I can't >.< I forgot to copy it first like I normally do before hitting reply! )

[Guest Pól]

If you've not been cutting as much, or dealing with the cutting issue it would mean some problems you were perhaps hiding from through self harming are now resurfacing. The self harm isn't just about the pain your currently feeling it's also about control and a fear that perhaps if you don't cut the emotions will get worse, therefore actually avoiding certain other issues. It's a distraction technique (A bad distraction technique) not only for the pain that made you cut but other things bubbling under the surface. Things your subconscious knows but hides from.

Matty is saying something very smart. When you're cutting, you're avoiding the mental pain by substituting it with physical pain. If you can examine what it is that's making you feel like you want to cut (without cutting though, obviously), you may be able to make some progress.

As you begin to understand better what's bothering you, you're better able to deal with it, and it bothers you less (thus making you feel less like you need to cut).

Everyone feels GD differently and copes with it differently. You may be hiding a lot of the pain of GD from yourself by cutting, or you may be cutting because of triggers that are completely unrelated to your GD. Everyone's pain is relative -- no one other than you is really in a position to assess how much you feel GD. Likewise, as Matty said in another post, YOU are the only one who can really know if you're FTM. There's no litmus test. Everyone is different. You just have to listen right.

You can't let people like that other FTM bother you so much. Your sense of self-worth has to be determined by you and your opinion, not by anyone else.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

Matty is saying something very smart. When you're cutting, you're avoiding the mental pain by substituting it with physical pain. If you can examine what it is that's making you feel like you want to cut (without cutting though, obviously), you may be able to make some progress.

As you begin to understand better what's bothering you, you're better able to deal with it, and it bothers you less (thus making you feel less like you need to cut).

Everyone feels GD differently and copes with it differently. You may be hiding a lot of the pain of GD from yourself by cutting, or you may be cutting because of triggers that are completely unrelated to your GD. Everyone's pain is relative -- no one other than you is really in a position to assess how much you feel GD. Likewise, as Matty said in another post, YOU are the only one who can really know if you're FTM. There's no litmus test. Everyone is different. You just have to listen right.

You can't let people like that other FTM bother you so much. Your sense of self-worth has to be determined by you and your opinion, not by anyone else.

I haven't learned how to stop just yet.

Normally it comes from anger or just being sad >.<

I used to cut them. Not in an attempt to cut them off >.< But to mess them up. But I can't remember (I guess I blocked it out) if it was GD or not.

I am very very very self conscious and anytime that someone I am supposed to be able to "relate to" tells me I am not even close it upsets me... And then I feel as though I am *not* something...

I guess I am just *overly sensitive* I guess.

[Guest Pól]

I haven't learned how to stop just yet.

Normally it comes from anger or just being sad >.<

I used to cut them. Not in an attempt to cut them off >.< But to mess them up. But I can't remember (I guess I blocked it out) if it was GD or not.

I am very very very self conscious and anytime that someone I am supposed to be able to "relate to" tells me I am not even close it upsets me... And then I feel as though I am *not* something...

I guess I am just *overly sensitive* I guess.

You don't have to have all the answers right now. You're working at it -- that's really the important thing, and you should take pride in that you're working to stop.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive as long as you're aware of it. Lots of people are sensitive. What I mean by that is when you find yourself reacting strongly to something, keeping in mind that you're very sensitive can help you moderate your reactions and get more perspective on what's causing the reaction. Being sensitive can even be helpful if you can use it to understand yourself better You could think of it as using your sensitivity rather than it using you.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

You don't have to have all the answers right now. You're working at it -- that's really the important thing, and you should take pride in that you're working to stop.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive as long as you're aware of it. Lots of people are sensitive. What I mean by that is when you find yourself reacting strongly to something, keeping in mind that you're very sensitive can help you moderate your reactions and get more perspective on what's causing the reaction. Being sensitive can even be helpful if you can use it to understand yourself better You could think of it as using your sensitivity rather than it using you.

Thank you I needed to hear that

I tend to go over the top sometimes xD I have to stop doing that

I really want to stop. And I want to STOP FOR ME!

Something hit me today. I thought that the longest I went without cutting only 26 days. But in reality I went longer than that =/ When I was with my ex Ryan I cut back in January and after that didn't cut until April. And the reason for NOT cutting was the threat of being kicked out and getting broken up with, so I didn't do it willingly, in a way. So I ended up doing other ways so that I wouldn't get caught. Like hitting myself but never leaving a bruise. But yeah I have never really stopped FOR ME, and that is what I want! Not the fact that I could loose someone for doing it. But for ME.

[Guest My_Genesis]

I really want to stop. And I want to STOP FOR ME!

But yeah I have never really stopped FOR ME, and that is what I want! Not the fact that I could loose someone for doing it. But for ME.

willpower, my friend.

If by The Nightmare you mean a doc's appointment for 'down there' or mammograms etc., sincerest sympathies. I'm 23 and d'you think I've ever been for such a visit? (Yes, I should, no, I won't)

You know what's really ironic about this? You gotta get a docs appointment for "down there" to get a hysto. I don't plan on getting one til I need to get one for a hysto. And even then I will hate it. But I guess it's like, if you hate "down there" so much you want it gone, you gotta face it first. lol.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

willpower, my friend.

I just have to get it and make it stay and be strong

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

You know what's really ironic about this? You gotta get a docs appointment for "down there" to get a hysto. I don't plan on getting one til I need to get one for a hysto. And even then I will hate it. But I guess it's like, if you hate "down there" so much you want it gone, you gotta face it first. lol.

I didn't know that

[Guest AlexMichel]

A fellow brother (not from this site) said that I am not FtM because I don't have GD as much as other guys and I act too feminine and crap like that >.< And also the way I act in "relationships". It's annoying and it makes me wonder sometimes... He said a lot of rude things to me

One of my trans friends also had this problem when I first met him. I suppose I lucked out -- at my school there are 4 transguys in my class (counting me), but it is interesting how sometimes we need to justify our decisions or feelings. I personally do not see the point. First of all, as far as I know, it is impossible to prove what is going on inside your head (or other people's for that matter). Even if you had to prove that you are male, why do you need to?

I understand not feeling confident in one's decisions (I'm guilty of that as well), but look at it this way: would you have made the decision to come out as trans if it wasn't something you wanted, something you identified with, and something you yearned for? To me, that is all the justification you need.

Strength, brother.

~Zacky

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

One of my trans friends also had this problem when I first met him. I suppose I lucked out -- at my school there are 4 transguys in my class (counting me), but it is interesting how sometimes we need to justify our decisions or feelings. I personally do not see the point. First of all, as far as I know, it is impossible to prove what is going on inside your head (or other people's for that matter). Even if you had to prove that you are male, why do you need to?

I understand not feeling confident in one's decisions (I'm guilty of that as well), but look at it this way: would you have made the decision to come out as trans if it wasn't something you wanted, something you identified with, and something you yearned for? To me, that is all the justification you need.

Strength, brother.

~Zacky

Thanks bro!!

That is definitely something for me to reconsider I never thought about it like that

*hugs*

[Guest My_Genesis]

I didn't know that

yeah AFAIK you need to be examined to make sure you're good to go for a hysto.

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

yeah AFAIK you need to be examined to make sure you're good to go for a hysto.

What do they look for?

And can they get rid of everything? I heard from somewhere that you can still get cancer (possibly) after getting a hysto....?

[Flint]

I haven't learned how to stop just yet.

Normally it comes from anger or just being sad >.<

I used to cut them. Not in an attempt to cut them off >.< But to mess them up. But I can't remember (I guess I blocked it out) if it was GD or not.

I am very very very self conscious and anytime that someone I am supposed to be able to "relate to" tells me I am not even close it upsets me... And then I feel as though I am *not* something...

I guess I am just *overly sensitive* I guess.

I'm a VERY sensitive man.

Always have been and I'm pretty sure on T it'll somewhat remain. I'm just a sensitive person.

What you're doing is confusing sensitivity with a bad thing, therefore using the sensitivity in a bad way.

I used to the same.

"I'm soooo over sensitive! Argh everything makes me depressed"

I changed that quote in my head to

"I'm sensitive, but it helps me understand others including myself. I CAN use my sensitivity to help other people, including myself!"

Perhaps you are 'over sensitive' and in some ways that needs to be re-learnt somehow. I'm not saying your being sensitive is bad, but you have to find a way to control your sensitivity. That doesn't mean not feeling what you feel. It means you control your emotions instead of cutting you write for example, instead of cutting you watch your favourite DVD. Instead of cutting you turn to hobbies. Also once you learn that your sensitivity can be used for positive you'll also probably find you're still sensitive but can keep it within control. Sensitivity needs boundaries. YOU have to set yourself those boundaries, and only YOU can set it those boundaries. Again that is not to say that you get rid of sensitivity it's not to say you act suddenly really, really overly manly. No not at all! Don't read this the wrong way please. What I mean by boundaries is you need to know how much you can take before your sensitivity ultimately takes control and starts to have you depressed and defines you as a person. You have to learn to rationalise your own sensitive thoughts, so that with that sensitivity comes some logic. The two together actually work really well. It's a gift to you as a person and to others who come into contact with you.

Your seeing it in a negative way though and therefore your sensitivity is coming out in a negative way i.e Depression and a constant need to have someone else advise you because you don't trust in yourself. Again that is not to say that you should not ask for advice. Again PLEASE do not read this the wrong way. I'm all for people asking for advice and ranting away, I think it's what people need to do. Especially trans people. But I've noticed that you often look for a lot of reassurance from other people that you are who you say you are. As much as It'd be nice for us to wave a magic wand and say "Yes I know exactly who and what you are and what you're about" we don't have that ability and it can only come from you. You can take other peoples advice on board, you can listen and you can use what they have said if it hits something true in yourself to help yourself. But you can't let other people define you.

Screw what others say about you not being FTM, if you feel the way you do. You feel the way you do. Regardless of how sensitive you are or how 'camp' one may act it is not up to them to define who YOU are.

[Guest AlexMichel]

"I'm soooo over sensitive! Argh everything makes me depressed"

I changed that quote in my head to

"I'm sensitive, but it helps me understand others including myself. I CAN use my sensitivity to help other people, including myself!"

Perhaps you are 'over sensitive' and in some ways that needs to be re-learnt somehow. I'm not saying your being sensitive is bad, but you have to find a way to control your sensitivity. That doesn't mean not feeling what you feel. It means you control your emotions instead of cutting you write for example, instead of cutting you watch your favourite DVD. Instead of cutting you turn to hobbies. Also once you learn that your sensitivity can be used for positive you'll also probably find you're still sensitive but can keep it within control. Sensitivity needs boundaries. YOU have to set yourself those boundaries, and only YOU can set it those boundaries. Again that is not to say that you get rid of sensitivity it's not to say you act suddenly really, really overly manly. No not at all! Don't read this the wrong way please. What I mean by boundaries is you need to know how much you can take before your sensitivity ultimately takes control and starts to have you depressed and defines you as a person. You have to learn to rationalise your own sensitive thoughts, so that with that sensitivity comes some logic. The two together actually work really well. It's a gift to you as a person and to others who come into contact with you.

Your seeing it in a negative way though and therefore your sensitivity is coming out in a negative way i.e Depression and a constant need to have someone else advise you because you don't trust in yourself. Again that is not to say that you should not ask for advice. Again PLEASE do not read this the wrong way. I'm all for people asking for advice and ranting away, I think it's what people need to do. Especially trans people. But I've noticed that you often look for a lot of reassurance from other people that you are who you say you are. As much as It'd be nice for us to wave a magic wand and say "Yes I know exactly who and what you are and what you're about" we don't have that ability and it can only come from you. You can take other peoples advice on board, you can listen and you can use what they have said if it hits something true in yourself to help yourself. But you can't let other people define you.

Screw what others say about you not being FTM, if you feel the way you do. You feel the way you do. Regardless of how sensitive you are or how 'camp' one may act it is not up to them to define who YOU are.

I like what you said about learning to deal with your sensitivities in a different way. Negative manifestation of your feelings might be due to a negative outlook, but sometimes desperation comes into the picture. Loneliness, tiredness, anxiety, all of these things are things I have to deal with in regards to my changing relationships. Mostly it's because I am afraid to leave my house/dorm/wherever the heck I am because I am embarrassed of myself. And that is the problem.

I think it is also worth saying that just because you have come out as (or are planning to come out as) trans doesn't mean that you have changed. You are still you, you still like the same stuff you did before, you still have the same dreams and wishes and life. It's the people around you who have to change their opinions, relationships, and ideas. Some don't like it. Some might feel betrayed, or disgusted, or whatever. That doesn't mean you have to feel embarrassed, disgusting, or whatever. You are what you are, just as they are what they are. Nobody is the same, not even under the trans umbrella. We just have more in common.

All we can do is stick it out. It will get easier (I hope).

~Zacky

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I'm a VERY sensitive man.

Always have been and I'm pretty sure on T it'll somewhat remain. I'm just a sensitive person.

What you're doing is confusing sensitivity with a bad thing, therefore using the sensitivity in a bad way.

I used to the same.

"I'm soooo over sensitive! Argh everything makes me depressed"

I changed that quote in my head to

"I'm sensitive, but it helps me understand others including myself. I CAN use my sensitivity to help other people, including myself!"

Perhaps you are 'over sensitive' and in some ways that needs to be re-learnt somehow. I'm not saying your being sensitive is bad, but you have to find a way to control your sensitivity. That doesn't mean not feeling what you feel. It means you control your emotions instead of cutting you write for example, instead of cutting you watch your favourite DVD. Instead of cutting you turn to hobbies. Also once you learn that your sensitivity can be used for positive you'll also probably find you're still sensitive but can keep it within control. Sensitivity needs boundaries. YOU have to set yourself those boundaries, and only YOU can set it those boundaries. Again that is not to say that you get rid of sensitivity it's not to say you act suddenly really, really overly manly. No not at all! Don't read this the wrong way please. What I mean by boundaries is you need to know how much you can take before your sensitivity ultimately takes control and starts to have you depressed and defines you as a person. You have to learn to rationalise your own sensitive thoughts, so that with that sensitivity comes some logic. The two together actually work really well. It's a gift to you as a person and to others who come into contact with you.

Your seeing it in a negative way though and therefore your sensitivity is coming out in a negative way i.e Depression and a constant need to have someone else advise you because you don't trust in yourself. Again that is not to say that you should not ask for advice. Again PLEASE do not read this the wrong way. I'm all for people asking for advice and ranting away, I think it's what people need to do. Especially trans people. But I've noticed that you often look for a lot of reassurance from other people that you are who you say you are. As much as It'd be nice for us to wave a magic wand and say "Yes I know exactly who and what you are and what you're about" we don't have that ability and it can only come from you. You can take other peoples advice on board, you can listen and you can use what they have said if it hits something true in yourself to help yourself. But you can't let other people define you.

Screw what others say about you not being FTM, if you feel the way you do. You feel the way you do. Regardless of how sensitive you are or how 'camp' one may act it is not up to them to define who YOU are.

I never looked at it that way. Seeing the sensitivity as "using it to help other people." Although I am sure everyone knew that

And all that makes sense. >.<

I didn't read anything you said in the wrong way

I can honestly say I wasn't like this in September of '09. I went somewhere (whether that be the Internet or in real life) and I would be like I am male back off and not let anyone tell me otherwise. But once (and I am so just realizing this) I got with my ex things changed. I started to question *everything* and I do mean everything. I would do something and then he would say that's wrong or something like that and it would send me flying. I came to the point where all I do is constantly ask to do something, asking if something is "right" and trying to get people's approval. Everyone finds it annoying and I am sure that people here too have found it quite annoying.

I need to find a way to turn it from being negative into being more of a positive thing. I just don't know how at the moment

What do you mean by "camp" when you say:

Regardless of how sensitive you are or how 'camp' one may act it is not up to them to define who YOU are.

*hugs*