Afraid of What's to Come

[Guest Leila]

This last Friday I had a revelation. To give a little background, I'm 35 and I've been a closeted cross dresser since 7 or 8 years old. I could never bring myself to face the fact that cross dressing was any more than just a fetish until very recently--maybe a little more then 2 months ago I started identifying as trans. I've been seeing a sex therapist since December of 2010 to work on my marriage. Everything was tumbling down, my wife had been depressed (undiagnosed) for about a year and a half, my inlaws were moving to be closer to us so we can help support my father in-law who has Alzheimer's. I had just started school after being being unemployed for some time and I moved out when I came to realize that I couldn't take it anymore. Throughout the process my therapist enabled me to talk about all the buried feelings I've had since childhood--many of which I've blocked out.

Amazingly enough, my relationship with my wife improved as I started shedding my emotional baggage as our communications got better and we fought less. But ultimately, while she was okay with my cross dressing being a fetish (I told her before we got married over 3 years ago), she's not okay with me identifying with being some part female (understandably so). And she struggles with my desire to emulate what she considers a female stereotype--one she has fought all her life. She was a tomboy growing up. Despite it all, she has encouraged me to explore, because she wants me to be comfortable with my identity but at the same time, she doesn't know if she can be part in it.

Throughout my self discovery process, I've been struggling to rationalize everything from my behaviors as a child through my adult years. I found that a lot of my motivations and my strong sense of wanting to identify with my work stemmed from my inability to identify with myself. There was a reason for everything. I secretly hope, that every time I experiment (buying a wig, or trying on makeup, hanging up women's clothes in my closet etc), that I'll not identify with what I'm doing and that maybe all my confusion over my identity is just a phase. And so, I was simultaneously disappointed and elated when I saw myself for the first time, fully made up with a wig and dressed. I loved what I saw and it felt good and comfortable--like I was seeing myself for who I am for the first time in 35 years. I've been dressing more and more (still privately) and the sexual component is practically non-existent now, I'm left with just a comfortable feeling and I've gotten bolder in public (mixing and matching women's wear with men's wear). I've come out to my parents (a whole separate story) and to 8 of my friends and for the most part people have been accepting. All of this makes me feel wonderful...

But these feelings scare me... I've barely come to terms with being transgender and fear that I my exploration will lead me to want to transition in the future...

2 or 3 weeks ago, I started seeing a gender therapist in my area and boy does she ask tough questions. Just this last Friday my therapist told me to stop intellectualizing how I'm feeling and just feel for a moment to truly get sense of who I am and something kinda clicked. For the first time, I admitted to myself that I've always fantasized of being a girl... I told my wife, because I want to tell her everything these days. My days of hiding are over. But I can only imagine how scared she was when I told her. This triggered all sorts of topics, like when would we have children if at all? How would we be perceived? Would she be attracted to me if I were a woman? It's an emotional roller coaster. I don't really know what to do anymore...

Thanks for listening.

Hugs,

Leila

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Leila......

Yes, it is scary, Hon.......

I wish that I could tell you some "magic" thing that would make it t least you'll get to figure out who you are and hopefully work n it from there...

Remember....gender is a huge spectrum and you may find yourself anywhere on it and it may not take full transition to make you comfortable....

Hang in there, Hon....

HUGGS

Donna Jean

[Guest Julie T]

But these feelings scare me... I've barely come to terms with being transgender and fear that I my exploration will lead me to want to transition in the future.

Dee Jay has good advice, you just don't know where this will take you. It's thrilling and it is terrifying. I have one piece of advice, having gone through transitioning myself? Ask a lot of questions here to really see what is happening to other people. Many of us transition, many do not. But you must face up to your gender dysphoria. It is permanent and will not go away. Your gender dysphoria therapist will show you the way and there is that. Your wife may or may not follow, that is how it works..

Please stay with us, as I think we can really help you.

Julie

[Guest Leila]

Thank you for your support.

I guess I'm just sort of taking it one day at a time. It's really strange... One day I can feel like I'm completely okay with everything and the next I find myself stricken with anxiety and unable to leave the house. I have a good feeling about today as I'm going to see one of my therapists (I'm currently seeing 2) which often seems to give me a brief respite from the week.

Last night, my wife asked me a series of questions about my body. She seemed convinced that I hate everything about myself, from my hairy legs to my broad shoulders etc. She said it seems like I want to change it completely, since I want breasts and curvier hips, and I now dislike the physique I've spent years building at the gym (thankfully I'm naturally thin and it was much more of a hassle trying to buik up than anything else).

While I've thought of individual features of myself and wanting to change them... It never really dawned on me that I hated my whole body. My wife says I speak very negatively about my image and upon introspection, I guess I've never really felt happy about it. Oddly enough, I might even feel good on occassion, if someone were to validate me for having worked out or whatever so it's really hard to separate what my natural inclinations are. So perhaps hate is too strong word and I'd hesitate to use that, but disappointment or ambivalence toward my body probably more accurately describes how I feel about it.

And while I may think I feel one way about wanting a more feminine body, how does one even know what it would be like? I've only experienced what it is to be male in society... and I feel almost arrogant to presume that I have an idea what it would be like to be a woman. Yet something inside me tells me that's where I'm headed.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening.

Hugs,

Leila

[JJ]

Leila,

It sounds like you are doing all the right things and getting the guidance you need. So much of your story reminds me of things I have gone through as well. Coming from a different direction to be sure but I felt many of the same things. Even to making my body the best woman I could. It took months after I admitted I was trans to realize my hatred of my body is not because of the Lupus or other conditions that affect it-the hatred dates back to beginning development in grade school-and is a deep dysphoria. My daughter and I were once discussing a family burial plot and what to do with it and I will never forget how vehemently I told her I never wanted to be buried but cremated so this hated body would be eradicated at last. And that was before I even admitted I was trans or recognized gender related dysphoria.

So much of this is a journey of self discovery and peeling back layer after layer of socialization and denial to find what we really feel and need to do. You can speculate but I don't think you can really know and I know it can't be rushed.

I started out thinking I never could or would transition. Now I am 5 months on T and 7 months into transition and I feel really alive and in the world for the first time. It is beyond description. All of my childhood prayers and dreams and Christmas wishes are coming true! Impossibly and miraculously . It has been hard. Will still be hard but worth it. So worth it. But that is me. It may not be what is right for you. If it is I think you will find it worth it too.The important thing is that you can find the answers and can live a life that will make you happy to be who you are-whoever that is.

Good luck on your journey! I will share one other piece of advise that helped me immeasurably -this is not a race. Go at your own pace and take things as they come.

Johnny

[Guest DanielleH]

Leila, what you posted is almost exactly what I'm feeling myself right now. I'm a 38yo very closeted crossdresser/trans myself. I had tried dressing up a few times before when I was younger, but never fully as a woman no matter how much I really wanted to. A couple years ago after I first met my wife I started dressing fully occasionally. I was at least able to tell her about this part within a few weeks of dating, fearful that she would think I was freak or monster. Maybe because that's how I feel about myself sometimes. Anyways she is ok with me dressing up occasionally, but nothing more. We were talking a bit the other night and she views it as compettion.

Hatred of my body, yeah I have that too. I don't have an ideal body image in my mind of how I should look, I just cant stand looking like the hairy ape line backer. I spent ten years in the Army as a grunt, and as a result of that I bulked up quite a bit from when I went in at 165 pounds. I wish I was slender like that again. That's one of my insecurites about myself dressing up, is that I look a man in a dress.

As far as where I am on the gender spectrum, that depends on the day that you ask me. One day I could ok being man and not have a desire to dress up or change myself. Another day I could be totally happy just appearing as a woman, and the next day I will want nothing else than to transition even though that scares me to death.

I've just recently heard of autogynephillia, and am curious about it since I hear alot of different definitions of it. I get that it is a fetish and is only sexual in nature, but is it that you get off/fantasize on the act of becoming a woman or that you get off/fantasize about being a woman. It seems to me that it would be pretty common if you were transsexual that you would have sexual fantasies about being a woman sexual, ie having sex with a man or woman as a woman.

Maybe one of these days before I get too old to do anything about it I'll figure just exactly who I am. Seems kinda odd that at 38 I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Danielle

[Guest Leila]

Thank you to everyone for your stories and support.

JJ, thank you for your words of wisdom. I can't agree more about this not being a rat race... and while I do find myself getting caught up in that race... I feel extremely lucky that the friends I've come out to have been so supportive and that they've been offering me some perspective to reel me in when things start getting too emotional and crazy.

Danielle, I'm totally with you there. My wife is really struggling with this but she's finally agreed to go with me to therapy... so I'm hopeful. Often times it is hard when in a relationship to separate one's own feelings from one's compassion for our partners. I'm just starting to learn to listen to myself and what I'm feeling. Ultimately, we are in control of our lives and well being and not our spouses... it's a hard step to take but I've felt much less anxious and depressed as a result of it...

Thankfully I was able to go to a support group this last Friday, and meeting other trans people in person (especially people at various stages of transition and questioning) really helped me a lot.

In regards to the autogynephillia piece, I'm not really sure where I stand as well. For the longest time I thought maybe I was gay... but I've almost never been attracted to men. This really confused me. But it very recently dawned on me that perhaps part of my attraction to women is the fact that I want to be one of them which really threw me for a loop because it would mean I identify as being a lesbian despite having a male body. All of this started making much more sense when I was able to separate gender from birth sex from sexual orientation.

My heart goes out to you Danielle. 38 isn't too late to figure things out. Many people never do.

Hugs,

Leila

[Guest DanielleH]

Thanks Leila for the kind words

I don't think it that's uncommon for trangender ladies to identify as lesbian. For myself, my orientation has never been a big question for me, I prefer to be with women, but have played for the other team a few times before.

That's a good sign that your wife is willing to go to counseling with you. Wish you the best

[Guest Svenna]

Leila (and Danielle),

Your stories and POV are almost identical to my own. We are alike in so many ways and face similar journeys. I am no further along than you are and I am struggling, too...

I want to wish you both the best of luck in finding your true essence, your real center, and the love and acceptance that we all need and seek...

In a better world, these things wouldn't be so needlessly distressing. But we must press on...

Best wishes and all my love going forward, Svenna

[Michelle 2010]

Hi ladies, I can certainly identify with your uncertainty, confusion and sense of trepidation. I may be a little further down the road of self exploration but it has been done many years later in my life. In reading the posts here, there are many things I agree with, and I'll add a couple of my own. As a life long crossdresser I can assure you, as said by others, it never goes away. That was something my GT and I agreed with right from the start last year. Along that same vein, your SO's opinion of the issue and degree of acceptance can influence your behavior, but its unlikely to alter the reality of its existence. I had an "accommodation" where if I compartmentalized that part of my life, it was considered acceptable in a marriage. That lasted for years, but was constantly like a hose with a drip or small amount of water coming out. I was forced by the agreement to keep my thumb over the hose most of the time. You know what happens right? the pressure builds up and sooner or later has to be released.

Having hit the point where I chose the therapist and subsequent support group, I discovered a new world. I knew that however much I was willing to surrender of my male self, my female side was going to take every inch it could. Scary in the beginning... Fear of losing people, respect, maybe the marriage, etc dominated the first six months of my journey. As I was always telling my support group, "all I want is a sense of balance". The problem is the balance bar is across a sphere , log or cylinder that always rolls back and forth and the balance would remain elusive and shifting. The result of imbalance being Disphoria, balance being serenityI

I don't want to right a book here so I will share my most important revelation. Fear was the biggest issue for me. Fear was generated by what I perceived people would think, tho not necessarily what was real. The antidote to fear has been self acceptance. For me, self acceptance as been greatly enhanced by selectively coming out to people who are important to me. Doing that provides a web or network of self validation. Most fears are in my head. Is it possible you will lose your wives/GF's? Yes... The interesting thing has been that I have met new people with healthy self esteem who accept me exactly as I am. Those relationships can fill the voids caused by loss of others, and do so in healthy and normal ways if the people you hang with are healthy in their attitudes.

The new reality includes norrmal social engagements with trans people being their true selves.

I was never my true self my whole life. If you chose that option, trust me there is a price to be paid... If you become your true selves, find self acceptance, you need not have a tidy label on it, and yes, there will be a price to be paid for that as well. So you can stuff yourselves into a box and pay that price or become who you are and pay that price...

Either way you go there is the likelihood of fear that can best be overcome by self acceptance. If I accept myself i don't spend so much time worrying about what others think.

If you have a God,, he/she won't change you but may strengthen you on the journey if you allow yourself to lean on him. Thy will not mine be done, how may I best serve thee. Having a god isn't a necessary part of the journey but it has made mine easier. If I am serving a power greater than my self along the way, perceived injustices and potential rejections become less important.

I actually seem to be enjoying the ride right now, go figure...

Good luck and I hope to continue to hear how you all are doing

Michelle

[Guest Svenna]

Michelle,

That was beautiful!

Love, Svenna

[Guest Susan57]

Hello Leila,

I just came across this thread and read it. It is really nice, the way it started and evolved. Thank you for your writing.

The topic of autogynephelia came up earlier and the arrousal aspect of it, My experience of autogynephelia is that it is independent of arrousal. The arrousal part that is commented on so often seems to be affected by how much testosterone is in your body. Take it all away and the autogynephelia is still there as strong as ever. The brain wiring is there to love to have a female body and that wiring does not include any arrousal circuit--it is about self.

It makes me sad that people with autogynephelia often feel bad about the arrousal aspect that seems to be there. There is no need to feel bad. It is more about chemistry or having male hormone in your system. Your self acceptance is about accepting what is in your brain, ...when you are free of the effects of such drugs.

Good luck to you,

Susan

[Guest sdtsmaybe]

So many things said which sound oh so familiar... Only you said something Leila which clicked in with me more than most things I've heard someone say about moat things.

Take the following quote from your initial post:

Just this last Friday my therapist told me to stop intellectualizing how I'm feeling and just feel for a moment to truly get sense of who I am and something kinda clicked.

Not so much with the latter clicking for me... But the prior of being told not to intellectualize how I feel but feel.

My q is... How do/did you do that?

I spend so much time filtering everything through my brain and often distancing myself from how I feel about things except for the occasional massive spikes whose intense feelings diminish a short time later... So rather wish I could find a way to feel more of what I'm feeling vs thinking it.

P.s. Sorry about the formatting of this... It seems my phone can't handle the normal reply web control.

[Michelle 2010]

Its a slippery slope isn't it? Thinking about thinking! or.. Don't think about thinking!

Perhaps creative visualization....look it up on the internet...

Briefly, you take a event, emotion or whatever, lets say the first puppy you loved, or first girl crush, or first girl you wanted to be like(?)... relax in a comfy place, and slowly emerse yourself in the experience. See, hear, feel the event, the emotions that existed, even the smells....take a few minutes to max the state of mind, trancelike if possible...until you are t-h-e-r-e... a non verbal experience...

then...switch to your female self in your mind... Your sensory side should allow you to slide into apretty non verbal state. See, hear, feel your feminine side, anchor it with the feminine name, saying it in your mind. Experience b-e-i-n-g that person...non verbally How do you feel as that person, feminine? vulnerable? girly? Dont write an action script of imaginary activities, thats too intellectual to start with. Just be there for a while... Lather, rinse, repeat...

You need to practice with a real past experience with strong emotions attached to it. Access it in all its glory, then switch over to the feminine self.

Btw, for me its never been intellectual, totally kinesthetic and visual! Gir-leee!

Have fun!!!

Michelle

[Guest sdtsmaybe]

Thanks for the insights Michelle, I'd only it was so easy.

Alas too much of my life is distant from myself... That is to say that when an event happens that has an emotional component, it in a sense gets filed off into my brain somewhere has a series of facts... Often lacking the emotional components invoked... Except for when very similar areas are encountered again.

As an example... From time to time I do go looking for a shrink who can help advise me in a way that helps... Last person i saw, i contacted some 4 months after i found her business card at work. After a few months of me not getting anywhere, she decided that she wasn't going to help me (and in a sense firing me as it were)... Momentarily after... A flood of emotions hit me related to similar experiences over the years where I just cant be fixed no matter how hard I try... And the understandable frustration involved.

Only in these rare cases are the related feelings available. The rest of the time they tend to come in spikes where I have this intense feeling of "why isn't that me?" or "why can't I look like/be something like that?"

[Guest Jenny B Good]

Alas too much of my life is distant from myself... That is to say that when an event happens that has an emotional component, it in a sense gets filed off into my brain somewhere has a series of facts... Often lacking the emotional components invoked...

Know exactly how you feel think.

An exercise that really helps is called ' 22 x 11'. Now for this to work you have to do it for the 11 days.

Basically in a nut case shell, you do a type of intellectual meditation, this distracts the intellect in order to get in touch with your beliefs.

It's these ' beliefs' that hold back emotions. eg. As a child you may have come to an realisation that you were 'not worthy of love'- hence the feeling of love escapes you.

Links provided :

http://heal-the-heal...-x-11-exercise/

http://www.innercomp...uments/mod3.pdf - Page 11

http://www.lovehopef...com.au/mind.htm - exercise is about half way down page

http://ezinearticles...itar&id=6105427

Respect,

Jenny

[Guest Marlenx]

Hi Leila,

I read you posts/story and I was thinking we had many common experiences. I am not a therapist, I cannot give you advice, but I can tell you my story, which is still not finished.

I discover there was something in the "air" when I was 12-14 years old, but the life drives me to be a male, period.

Then I met a woman that become my wife, after 3 previous marriage. I was 36, and we love each other so much that I was able to see her soul and she was able to see mine, she helps me to come out in full, as I help her. I was a woman with her, and she was also helping me to be Marlen when we start to go out, in teract with other people, she helps me to be ... balanced not exceeding in being something completely new for me, it is difficult to explain but we work it out.

But we also had 2 kids, not easy to manage, they were young very young, and we asks therapists what to do, most of he recommend us to wait, not push too much and still make us able to provide the family roles.

At the same time I become more confident with my female side, I was not taking hormones but I had hair-removal regularly and whenever I could I was acting and dressing as Marlen, except at home when kids where around.

During that phase, my wife had a step-back and start to refuse my change, as you I was not just playing a fetish role, I was acting as something that drives her to competition.

I had to work on that, I had to show her I was not trying to compete with her, and that I was in love like I never was before.

It takes me 3 years, but at the end she understood, and accept, finally we were going to manage again in the right (for me) way.

We/I still have the kids and so far we still cannot go for full transition, and you know what, I feel more female then my wife, but balance is the key, what you feel inside, and what you can express, is always a matter of balancing.

I am 48 now, not young anymore, I feel different? Sure I do, would I like to have the chance to push the reset button and shift to another physical shape? Well yes. I am going to do it? Don't know yet, some doctors tell me I am too old, some others say I still can do it. Do I want to do it? this is my question, no if I will loose my only love, no if I will affect my kids.

What I am saying is I am confuse as you are, you are doing the right steps, go ahead and follow what you feel inside, do not rush.

At the end I did found my balance, and I was an happy person ... then we have to move to Canada, Ottawa, and here I have no idea how to move ... also with the neighborhood.. or work or whatever ...

Things constantly change also when you think they are fix ...

but this is the most exciting thing of our life, changes.

I can tell you only one thing.

I know I love my wife.

I know she loves me.

I know she loves me as Marlen.

I know I am Marlen above my male side.

Things written in order of relevance, and I am trying to live my life in that order as well, for my own happiness.

One huge kiss honey, I really hope you the best, follow your heart !

[Guest leela_anima]

I too relate to what a lot has been said here, especially your second post Leila! Quite a few are at this point it seems, at least we're not alone have each other for this journey lol! I wish Leila and everyone the best and hope that the best outcome emerges at the end!...

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Hi Leila,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. It is good that you have professional support and I know that you will find friendship here as well.

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Leila]

Hey everyone,

It's been forever since I've posted... and I guess in some way, it's indicative that my life is moving forward...

Just four months ago, venturing out in 'girl mode' into the public was a wonderfully delightful yet extremely scary experience and now it's become a mundane part of my life. It's all just about being myself now. I'm full time and completely out at school and with the exception of a handful of relatives I never see, everyone knows.

I wanted to post this because the initial transition at school, despite the high tolerance for gender bending in the Bay Area, was still very scary for me. Would I still have friends? Would my instructors treat me differently? All of this was all in my head.

I go to a local community college and most of my classmates have known me for just over a year and half or so. In the last few months, many have watched me drift from a grungy male presentation into an androgynous one and now finally to a fully female presentation.

The funny thing is, I got tons of compliments during my androgynous stage. Particularly from girls saying that they loved my new found sense of style. Pink scarf, sparkly butt skinny jeans and eyeliner? Go figure. I don't think I've ever had so much female attention as a man! But I digress. Prior to my first day back to school this quarter, I had made preparations and had come out to a handful of friends (and instructors) privately, asking for their support. There was no way I could possibly inform everyone so I just took the plunge.

The first day back, many people didn't recognize me and were startled when I greeted them by name. I've seen this hundreds of times now... but there's this moment of realization that you can see in their eyes when they finally figure out who they're actually talking to. This realization is then usually followed by awkward silence and then finally acceptance (in most cases) which can occur days or even weeks later.

I think the thing that coming out has shown me, is that people generally judge you on you merits as a person--the presentation change, while awkard at first, is usually overcome when they realize that you're still the same person as before.

I wanted to update this post, to say, I am no longer afraid of what's to come. I am me... and despite all the hurdles I still need to overcome with the impending divorce (its an amicable separation) and all of this other nasty stuff... I think I've finally come to terms with it... and I'm happier for it.

Hugs,

Leila

[Guest Svenna]

Leila,

I am so very happy for you!

I long for the day I can be 'me' everywhere, too. But for now, it will suffice to live vicariously through stories like your own...

Very well done!

Love, Svenna

[MackenzieB]

Leila, You're doing the right thing with going to a GT and going slowly. I've seen people get hurt by blindly jumping into the soup of genderism and not being too sure of themselves. Is it a scary thing? It sure was for me when I was at the point that you're at. And I'm sure that the majority of Trans people would admit to having been in their "scared shoes" at some point in their dealings with it. You're not alone. It sounds like you've made a good choice in your GT. If she's making you face tough questions, well then she's doing her job.

My last GT didn't ask me any tough questions. But then again, she was #4 for me. I know who and what I am. I just needed to see her to get a letter and that was all that I was doing. So she accomodated me on that. We met about 6 times in the (at the time, SOC V6) required 90 days, she got to know me and be comfortable with providing my letter. I then ran back to my Doc for my HRT.

But my first GT? I was scared outta my skin the first couple of months.