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babar1

Confused and Uncertain About Who I Am?

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Hello to all,

After reading a number if your posts, It's obvious to me that you all are a very caring group of people. I thank you for sharing your experiences and appreciate the opportunity to tell my story without feeling shame or embarrassment.

I have (even before puberty) had a secret and suppressed desire to be female most of my life. I'm still unsure of a lot of things. I have always shrugged it off as being somewhat of a fantasy, one that would leave at times, but always return.

I'm a very masculine male in appearance and have been married and been in several long term relationships. I have 2 grown children and 2 granddaughters, 3 and 6 yo, that I am truly thankful for. They are all doing well and I love them dearly. My life has been lived in a very masculine way. I'm a highly skilled technician on my job and have taken care of a family farm since the age of 13 or 14 (my father had disabilities) and helped my father a lot since I was big enough to work.

I never considered it a option to not do what I thought I was supposed to do, whether it was work at home, or later when I got married and had children. I tried to fit in to what I thought was expected of me and thought I was doing the right thing.

I was married to a good woman for 14 years that I was never really in love with. I kept telling myself that I would feel better about things eventually which I finally realized wasn’t going to happen. Sounds like I’m a bit slow, doesn’t it?

I have never had a desire to be with a man, but have had strong feelings for several women. But most of my relationships have been with women that I liked but knew I would not fall in love with. I loved the sex for a while, but eventually it became frustrating, probably because of the lack of commitment and “love” that I didn’t or would not allow myself to feel.

I’m sure that we all have had less than a simple personal life. If you know for sure which gender you are, go for it and be what you are. Being stuck in the middle can be very confusing. I am glad to see and know many traditional couples who have lived their life dedicated to each other. But I am also somewhat jealous because I have never and may never be able to be in that situation.

I will address some of the hormone issues that I have had. About 10 years ago I found that my T level was very low, less than 220. I found this out while going to a Dr. for prostatitus which I had suffered with many times for a number of years. I had been given antibiotics numerous times, but they didn’t do any good. Years later and with much research, I found that I was probably suffering from Chronic non bacterial prostatitis, which can be caused by many things including stress and sexual frustration, not necessarily lack of sex, but lack of good satisfying sex. I was in a sexual relationship, but I seldom was able to ejaculate. At times I would have intercourse for more than an hour with a good erection and not be able to be satisfied.

I was prescribed Androgel which eventually helped me have good sex most of the time. But also the Androgel caused me to have fantasy’s of wanting to be female stronger than I ever had before. I have never wanted to dress as a women and go out in public, but I must say that I like the feel of women’s support briefs smoothing out things down there and making me feel more feminine.

After being on Androgel or T injections for nearly 10 years and on different doses, I can definitely say that the higher my T level has been, the more I have desired to be female.

In the last several years, I have had a lot of stress in my life. Most of it was caused by other factors but alcohol and gender issues have been a part of it.

In the last couple of months I have finally faced the fact that I have gender issues that are not going away. Once I admitted to myself that I have a problem, it has been on my mind constantly. I have read a lot about studies and stories about real people with GID and believe that it is a real problem with a lot of people.

It’s still hard to admit to myself that I am one of those who has a gender identity disorder and need to face the issue and deal with it. I have no choice.

I have used alcohol too much at times. But when I stopped drinking for 3 weeks in January the gender issue consumed me. It was on my mind constantly. Part of me wants to find and be in a relationship with a woman. But I don’t know if that would be fair to someone with the issues that I have at this time.

I read a lot and took the COGIATI and S.A.G.E. tests. I know that they are not considered to be very credible, but I cried when I saw the results.

I also quit using TRT several days ago to try to help get my head straight. My T levels should be less than 150 (about 600 would be an average male) by the end of the week. My anxiety and prostate pain will probably be better, but where will I be at?

I don’t know who I am or what I am. I didn’t know what an Androgynous person was 2 months ago. Now I believe I may be one.

One minute I want to hold and have sex with a woman and the next I want to be that woman.

I have to find a way to sucessfully live with what I am finding out about myself.

I have read that one specialist in this field says that the determining factor is to go on HRT and see how you feel.

If I could take female hormones for a few months to connect and understand more fully who I am and come back to TRT, I would gladly do it and that may be what it takes.

But I’m afraid that it might not be that simple. Suppose I started on female hormones and I felt so much better that I didn’t want to stop, or even worse, I started feeling attracted to men. I don’t mean to sound critical of men being attracted to other men. I believe that gay males cannot control their sexual preference. It is who they are. It is just not for me. At least that is the way I think at this point.

I really don’t think that I could ever be attracted to men, but the thought of having the rounded curves of a voluptuous woman with nice boobs and very sensuous nipples is a pleasant thought even though I know that it is impossible.

Any comments, suggestions, or links to somewhere else that might help will be appreciated.

This is the first time I have ever written about my personal thoughts. I am exposing myself and reaching out for the first time in my life.

I wish everyone good health and happiness!

Thanks, Babar1

Your COGIATI result value is: 150 Which means that you fall within the following category:

COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL

What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' tanssexual.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:

Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action.

S.A.G.E. Test Results

Your Raw Score is: 360, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous

Your appearance is Masculine

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.

You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.

You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Male.

ANALYSIS:

Male to Female possible Transsexual

NOTES:

  • Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.

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First of all, Babar, I want to welcome you to the Playground. I think you'll find this site to be very helpful in figuring things out. Please ask all the qestions that come to mind in any of the forums, and participate all you want in discussion threads. Its the best way to learn and meet our terrific members.

You're right about the various tests - they don't prove anything, but can be fun and enlightening. What you really should do is find a gender therapist for counseling. They can help you figure things out and guide your decision-making process. They won't tell you who you are, but will help you decide for yourself. A good therapist is a guide and counselor, and with the new Standards of Care, less and less of a gatekeeper. In Laura's Resource Pages you'll find a list of gender therapists by state.

I'm one of the calendar-gifted people here; started transition at the age of almost 56, and I'm doing very well. So you don't have to start young to be the person you want to be, if transition is in your future. Of course, it may not be, and you may find that you are indeed an androgyne or just a transsexual who doesn't want or need to transition. The possibilities and choices are many.

I look forward to reading your posts.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Hiya...I've said this before. To me the COGIATI should have a totally new scoring system.

My scoring:

If you hunted on the net for a test to see if you just may be a transsexual and came across the COGIATI, you prob need to talk to a professional anyway.

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Welcome Babar, as Carolyn Marie said you will find lots of help, support and friends on the Playground. Also, as she said, your best bet is finding a Gender Therapist who will help you figure out what you need to do. Also, no matter what you need to do, dont worry, we will support you.

Hugz,

Mandy

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Babar,

Welcome!

I applaud your courage to face these things head on, as you know, they just don't go away and stay away forever..

Your story is very similar to mine in many ways, there are real reasons that we feel as we do, and real answers can be had that will make life easier for al of us...

We all have much in common here at Laura's, but many variations exist on our gender-variant themes.

It is good to get such a quest finally started, yes?

I'm looking forward to hearing more as you progress.

A gender therapist is what you need now. Really..

Best to you, this can actually be very fun!

Love, Svenna

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Thanks to all of you for your response.

I will seriously consider contacting a gender therapist.

I've been off of TRT for a almost a week now and feel less stressed and more level headed, but I will soon feel the physical effects of low T. My T level the later part of December was a little over 700 (normal range approx. 300-900). It will soon be less than 150 without TRT. I will probably start back on TRT next week at about 1/2 the dose I have been using and see how it goes.

It has helped me feel better to open up to others about what I have hidden and been in denial with for so many years.

I will add more later.

Thanks again for your help and encouragement.

Babar

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Welcome Babar!

You are in a very safe place to explore these feelings. A qualified gender therapist will also be of help to you. You can take baby steps .. go at your own pace. Having the courage to come here and share your story is a big step and you should feel proud of that accomplishment. One thing to know is that there is no "Right" or "Wrong" .... you seem to have a good sense of this already ... but there is nothing to be ashamed of. This process ... this "transition" ... is about discovering who you are ... who you have always been. For me .. it has been a path of self understanding, self love and this new awareness and acceptance has helped to me become a more balanced, happy and positive person. I am a able to give more to others ... to love them more unconditionally ... now that I know how to fully embrace myself.

I wish the same for you Babar! Welcome to Laura's.

Best to You,

Juniper Blue

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Welcome Babar!

You are in a very safe place to explore these feelings. A qualified gender therapist will also be of help to you. You can take baby steps .. go at your own pace. Having the courage to come here and share your story is a big step and you should feel proud of that accomplishment. One thing to know is that there is no "Right" or "Wrong" .... you seem to have a good sense of this already ... but there is nothing to be ashamed of. This process ... this "transition" ... is about discovering who you are ... who you have always been. For me .. it has been a path of self understanding, self love and this new awareness and acceptance has helped to me become a more balanced, happy and positive person. I am a able to give more to others ... to love them more unconditionally ... now that I know how to fully embrace myself.

I wish the same for you Babar! Welcome to Laura's.

Best to You,

Juniper Blue

Thanks Juniper Blue for the nice message. You seem to put things more into prospective.

I have read a lot on this site in the last several days. It's obvious that we (and when I say "we" I really mean that) are not a

part of the "Ward and June Cleaver Norm" if there is such a thing? We are all God's children and It reminds me of the song

children sing in church. "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so, Red and Yellow, Black and White, They are

prescious in his sight". There is no exclusion in that thought, no matter who you are. I don't want to offend you if you are not

a Christian, so substitute Bible, God, and Jesus for what you feel is appropiate for you. And Along with Red, Yellow,

Black, and White you can add whatever adjective or description that you feel comfortable with. I believe that God wants us

all to love one another regardless of who we are as long as we don't try to hurt someone else.

I like what you said about "transition". The transition is more of "a coming to terms and accepting who you are": no longer

wondering in shame, feeling bad about thoughts that you feel are wrong, or feeling "different" and condeming your self for it.

What you have found is what I am looking for.

Being able to accept myself for who I am, even if I am not sure who I am, probably needs to be the first step. I now have "a

need to know" that I admit to, and realize that is a part of me that I can no longer deny.

I have often not felt very good about myself and how I have delt with others. And gender issues are only a part of that, but

maybe a more important part than I have and maybe still am willing to admit too. I am more accepting and tolerant of others

than I am of myself in regard to personal issues. But I will continue to work on things to be a better person for myself as well

as others.

Best to You Too!!!

Billie

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Billie,

It just gets better in the long run if we face this stuff. I'm not sure many folks are eager to address such fundamental incongruities in their lives, but we MUST address these issues sooner or later.

You are doing great, take a breath and let it go. Your spirit knows what it is and what it needs. Listen to this little voice...

Again, welcome!

Love, Svenna

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Billie,

It just gets better in the long run if we face this stuff. I'm not sure many folks are eager to address such fundamental incongruities in their lives, but we MUST address these issues sooner or later.

You are doing great, take a breath and let it go. Your spirit knows what it is and what it needs. Listen to this little voice...

Again, welcome!

Love, Svenna

Svenna,

Thanks for your message of encouragement. I hope that it gets better in the long run and I hope and pray that it will. Confusion and uncertainty is not a nice place to be and I know I have been there a lot longer than I care to admit to.

I apreciate your comment "take a breath and let it go. Your spirit knows what it is and what it needs. Listen to this little voice.."

When I read that, I closed my eyes and for an instant I felt better about things. I will try that often. I still don't know what issues I will face, but I know that I need to face them. I can't keep trying to make things the way I thought they were

supposed to be. I have to find a way to accept things as they are.

Thanks

Love, Billie

.

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Billie,

You are going to discover that most of us have been in a very similar place as you are in now. At first, one just can't imagine it, but it turns out that many have suffered similar fates in isolation, there are actually a LOT of us on this planet. The new part is actually talking with your own kind, and it is hard to believe, finding out that we are 'normal' in our own right...

It is society at large that has the real problem, we merely have medical conditions...

The only way out of a corner is forward....know what I mean? lol..

Love and Courage, Svenna

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Thanks Svenna,

I know what you say is true and I will keep trying to close my eyes, take a breath, and let it go. If it were only so easy.

I have written some of my thoughts for the last several days and would appreciate any comments or criticism.

I’ve done a lot of reading of posts on this site and others and I think that I understand myself more, but this is just a start.

I have a high level of male and female characteristics so I am androgynous and I accept that.

The experts say that it is good to have both traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine positive behavior patterns.

That sounds great until gender and sexuality come into the picture.

I have always very rigidly looked at everything being black and white with very little or no gray area. I have been complimented many times for having such a high level of logic and analytical skills and worked very hard to develop those skills.

But sometimes within myself, I feel like I’m Spoc on Star Trek. If I can’t apply logic it must be a personal feeling and that’s not something that I’m supposed to have.

Now I am having to deal with this “big gray area” that is part of me that I can’t make “black or white”. It is part of who I am and I must accept the fact that I can’t change it, and must accept whatever I find is there. It’s been there a long time with very little change. I’ve ignored it, covered it up, denied it to myself, and thought it would eventually go away.

I’ve tried to be understanding and non judgmental with others. Now I have to learn how be the same way with myself.

At this point (and I know that I still can’t be sure), I feel like I’m somewhere between an AGP and a transsexual.

I may not be using using the right labels, but I know that I have a strong female side, but my dominant side, I hope, is as a male heterosexual.

If I were in a different personal situation so far as family and other responsibilities and much younger, I think that my female side might be able to take over.

I feel that my female side needs to take control sometimes and I must find a way to let it. I’m able to do that to an extent within my home, but I think I need more. Maybe find a way to socialize with people who feel the same or understand?

I’m not in a relationship right now and feel that I should sort things out a little better before I get into another.

I have commented about my low T level in previous posts. At 16 years old I had the mumps and you can guess where. My testosterone level has probably been lower than normal most of my life until I went on TRT about 10 years ago.

When I started TRT, I suddenly saw an increase of some of the same doubts and questions that I have now. I was in what I thought was a good relationship at the time and was able to avoid facing my issues.

Any suggestions, comments, or criticism are welcome.

Thanks to all!!

Billie

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Billie,

My psych described me as 'essentially female, largely androgynous with some highly-developed masculine characteristics'...

My transition doctor describes my body as 'genetically female, androgynous in appearance, featuring some well-dfeveloped male secondary sexual characteristics'...

These two assessments were made independent of each other...

With or without 'maleness', my fundamental reality is female, my future: female

Your concerns about where you will ultimately find yourself on the gender spectrum are normal. BUT, let me caution you, it is very easy to undermine your own efforts to find your own truth this way. You must let go of any and every prejudice about what you may or may not be. There is just no way you can really know the answers to your questions ahead of time and hoping for one outcome over another just adds another level of self-deciet to the equation...and it complicates what you tell others...

Spock was my HERO growing up. His struggle to contain his human 'weakness' at all costs parallels my own struggle to hide my femininity. His focus on logic and emotion-free presentation paralleled my own efforts to appear to be impervious to pain and suffering, yet intellectual enough to be able to understand and explain any and every event in the known universe, without shedding a tear! lol..

Your feelings seem very normal to me, your concerns very common amongst us uncommon creatures...

Go slow with the definitions, put your energy into seeking revelation rather than confirmation. You can do this, you CAN get there..

Love, love! Svenna

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Thanks Svenna for the kind message.

I know what you say is true. I am going to try to be totally open to ALL of what got me where I am today.

I have always been able to avoid the issue and shrug it off as erotic fantasy until recently.

I never seriously thought I had a gender issue, even though I’ve fantasized about being a woman or being changed into a woman since before I was a teenager. And usually it was an obese woman, which as a man I have never been attracted to or never considered it an option.

And I may not have an issue, or maybe I should say that “Gender Dysphoria” might not be the real or only issue. I have had to deal with a lot of stress in the last couple of years. I felt overwhelmed quite often.

After I ended a 3-year relationship a little over a year ago, I decided not to pursue another relationship for a while and try to catch up on some of the work I needed to do on my farm. Working 7 days a week (between job and farm) with almost no social life is not a very mentally healthy way to live. Some of my fantasy might have become more real to me than it should have and created doubts that might not be totally real.

I wrote this down yesterday when I was in a troubled state of mind: “Lately I feel almost like there are two people in my body and both want control. One tells me I should possibly transition to some degree and the other tells me the many reasons that I can’t or shouldn’t.”

One thing that I realize now that I would have never admitted to a week ago is that my brain has a very strong female side, but also has a strong male side, and I can’t change that. That blend is who I am. I just have to get them working together in an objective way instead of being in conflict.

I also admit that if I could wake up in the morning as a just average looking fully functional woman, without causing anyone else any pain or heartache, I would be ok with that. But in reality, I know that isn’t going to happen. But it’s not an unpleasant thought.

You wrote: “You must let go of any and every prejudice about what you may or may not be. There is just no way you can really know the answers to your questions ahead of time and hoping for one outcome over another just adds another level of self-deciet to the equation...and it complicates what you tell others...”

You are so right. I am now doing my best to keep things simple and honest. And let the cards fall where they may…. once they are all on the table.

Thanks Again,

Love! Billie

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HI Billie,

"I also admit that if I could wake up in the morning as a just average looking fully functional woman, without causing anyone else any pain or heartache, I would be ok with that. But in reality, I know that isn’t going to happen. But it’s not an unpleasant thought."

If we all had a dollar for that thought.

If I can offer my insight to transistioning,

its scary

its fantastic

its fearfull

its happiness

its weird

its calm

I worked through shame, guilt, fear, doubt finally arriving at self acceptance of who I am, the sense of empowerment, felt when I accepted who I am and embraced it fully has allowed me to be honest with myself and to finally love me.

also I found that most of my fears, turned out to be shadows and I am having a beautiful and happy transisition.

much love

Joni xxx

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Billie,

You'll be fine. Get with a gender therapist until you have your answers...

What you describe is what many of us felt and did, also, before our answers and new lives became apparent...

Joni was exactly right, transitioning raises so many fears, but honestly, I've gotten into worse trouble for far less meaningful actions..

Yep, you are among like-minded folk here, you'll be surprised how many of us have lived through this and are so much happier. Once you've gotten to the point of unconditional self-acceptance, the pieces can fall freely into place...

I have faith in you. You are on the right track for discovery..

Love, Svenna

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Greetings to you Svenna, and all of you who have been so caring, and I apoligize for being away so long:

I have done what is not acceptable in this group and I will attempt to explain why.

1. Because of my personal situation, I could not see a therapist or any Dr. that might put a mental health issue on my record. My job and other issues made that out of the question as long as I could keep my head straight enough to function.

2. I have training in administering medication and also giving various types of injections. (I have given myself T shots for years and never even had a sore spot, much less an infection. I know the rules from proper training and experience)

3. The stress and anxiety I was feeling was getting worse and something had to be done.

4. My choice was against all rules and should not be done by anyone else.

5. After much research I decided to give Estrogen therapy a short trial. My testerone level is naturally low without meds but I still used products to suppress it to get the most effect for a short predetermined time frame.

6. Also I have to add that I had access to quality products that are not readily available to everyone. DO NOT USE DRUGS THAT ARE QUESTIONABLE. YOU HAVE ONE LIFE. DO NOT THROUGH IT AWAY!!!

3. After no testosterone meds for a couple of weeks, I took the plunge. My choice was injectable because of my experience and less strain on the liver. (also the dose that I used would be considered conservative.)

4. In less than 3 days after my first injection, I felt more level headed and calm than I had in several months. I felt a level of euphoria and peace that was wonderful, compared to what my mental state was before.

5. I used conservative doses of estrogen injections and antiantrogens for 5 weeks before I stopped. I stayed with my plan.

6. Does this mean that I am a transsexual? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

7. Estrogen is a powerful hormone and an antidepressant for many people for many reasons. Not a determining factor for someone being a transsexual or not. When my thought process cleared with the estrogen injections, I was able to be more objective with the complexity's of my life and their influence of where I am today. Estrogen is very addictive, I have no doubt about that.

4. I am back on TRT for over 2 weeks now. Would I like to get off of TRT and take another estrogen injection? Absolutely, I would love too, It felt great. Will I? Not as long as my head is as clear as it is now. I know that I have a strong Male and Female side that I cannot deny and I freely admit that and I know that estrogen is very addictive. As long as my mental state stays where it is now, I can deal with things OK. Tme will show me what I should do. I need to make time to have a better social life, which at present is hard to do.

Love and best wishes to all,

Billie

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Greetings to ALL,

Thanks again for being such a caring community,

I really appreciate the kind words that i heard and felt from you all. I don't advise anyone to do what I did. But I admit that the estrogen feel better and more level headed than I have in a long time. Maybe

when my head cleared and denial was no longer an acceptable issue, I was able to accept who I really am. Someone who is still unsure of many things, but very sure that I am at least part female in my mind and I

cannot change that. I don't think that becoming a complete transsexual is in my future, but I feel that mentally I am, and will always have a female side that I need to take care of. I'm not sure what that

means, but I need to be open to what is needed.

In my past, I have been in love with several women, but have never been attracted to males. Estrogen did not change my preference for women. However when my Testosterone levels were high I had more sexual

fantasies about being a women. I no longer find that confusing. It is who I am and have always been. I hope to never again feel shame or think that I am perverted because of my female side.

My female side will probably always be kept private unless I get into a relationship where it is accepted and encouraged in our private moments. Not very likely in rural southern VA, but who knows?

Regarding HRT. DNA is the main factor (Women in my family tend to have large breast) , not the dose of esterdial (with anti-androgens). In my case conservative weekly doses of injectable Estridiol started fat

redistribution and breast development before 4 weeks and because of the half-life it kept working for several weeks after I stopped Estradiol (at 5 weeks). I now have tissue that will most likely not go away and I

accept that. I knew it was a possibility when I gave myself the first injection.

And I admit I like the increased sensitivity of my nipples. I read somewhere that nerves of the nipples and genitals are hooked to the same part of the brain. I truly believe that now. My breast tissue is not that

noticeable for a 50 year old man to others, but I am very aware of it and have no regrets.

My mental state is still better than it has been in years even though I am back on TRT. I have come to accept who I am, whatever that is or how it might change, as time goes on.

I believe that what I was going through In January and before was truly Gender Dysphoria. I felt very miserable and I admit , when I took the first Estogen, It felt wonderful and I would still be taking it if I could do it

without making drastic changes in my body. If my life situation was different I would probably still be taking it now. It really felt great. Does that mean that I am a transexual? probably so, but I have many important

aspects of my life that would be severely compromised if I were to totally transition. I believe my male side will prevail, but I also believe that my female side could be dominate if things were different.

Best wishes to all of you in your journey, no matter where it takes you.

Love, Billie

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Hello to all,

Because all of you have been so nice to me, I feel that I should bring you all up to date with my situation.

After much denial, I admit that I have a female side that I must find a way to embrace. I can no longer deny what has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

When I used estrogen the first time, It felt great. My mind was clearer than it had been for a long time and I stated :

"My mental state is still better than it has been in years even though I am back on TRT. I have come to accept who I am, whatever that is or how it might change, as time goes on."

I can't deny the truth. After a couple of monthes off of estrogen and back on Androgel, I started to have thoughts about being on estrogen again. It was more a craving than a thought. I wanted the feel good that estrogen gave me more than ever. The higher my testrostrogen levels got the more I wanted to be back on estrogen.

I started back on estrogen and stayed on it for about 9 weeks, but without other androgen reducing medication. My natural T level is very low anyway.

Again, It felt great. I feel that I learned more about who I really am and if it wasn't for the breast developement, I would probably still be on estrogen. Not that I don't like the breast development. My nipples are more sexually sensitive than I would have believed possible.

I've been back on T for a while now and the craving is starting to come back. I truely loved the way that estrogen made me feel.

I'm not sure at this point what I should do. I probably should work on getting into a relationship with a woman, but I'm not sure if it would be right to pursue that at this time. Between a job that I have been workinjg 7 days a week and farm and cattle I really don't have time to have a life. Or have I been hiding from what I really need with job and farm?

I'm still uncertain about many things and how far I should go. Or maybe I should say "how far I need to go". I'm not sure if I will ever be completely free of denial.

I do admit that to some degree I'm a transexual. My brain is at least partially wired as female. That is not my choice, but who I am and have always been. I can't change that. And I don't know how far I need to go.

I have used estrogen twice for a total of about 14 weeks and I really would like to give myself an E injection right now, but I'm afraid that if I start again, I might not be able to stop.

I'll try to write again soon.

Thanks for being such caring people,

Love, Billie

 

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