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BeccaC

Another new person, Hi there Y'all

27 posts in this topic

I just got home and saw that my account was approved, and I wanted to hop on and give a quick introduction before I got cleaned up from work.. First off I would like to thank Petra Jane for her immense help, and patience, getting my (insert computer jargon) problem resolved.

Ok a bit about me I have known I should have been Rebecca, or just Becca like my cousin nicknamed me, since I was little. Due to problems along the way, I began to feel that would impossible and had built up all the necessary coping skills to appear normal to those around me. For the past 20 years I have been in denial, and I know I'm not the only one that wishes it was only a river in Egypt, but almost 2 months ago I was reading a story that so closely mirrored my own beginning..All those feelings, self doubt, confusion to say the least... I started having sleeping issues, eating problems and haven't been able to put the cat back into the box so to speak, and frankly I'm not sure I want to. I have gotten to the point that if I didn't open up to anyone that I would explode, or implode....either way it would be yucky... So that has led me here and I want to be able to bear my soul to anyone that would listen. Normally I am a very upbeat person and love to make people laugh, well when I'm not being an emotional Vesuvius... I hope to get my story typed out here shorty, and while I know hundreds upon hundreds have the same story, please bear with me while I get it off my chest..

Thanks ahead for the understanding (I've been reading alot of threads while waiting to be able to post, and all I have seen is understanding /Giggles )

Becca

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Hello Becca,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. :)

MaryEllen

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Hello Becca and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here with us.

One of the reasons we are here so we can all get things off our chest so to speak so you have come to the right place.

If you have not done so already, we do ask that all members read the terms and conditions so they can see how we operate here on the forums. You can find a link to them at the bottom right of every page.

Looking forward to reading you story.

Mia

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welcome Becca.

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Hi Becca and welcome to Laura's.

I'm glad we found you.

Shari

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Thank you all for the warm welcome, I was hoping to get started on this a bit earlier but no sooner did I get back to the boat (I live on a sailboat, for reasons I'll explain later) from my shower an issue developed... Then after another shower I'm able to get back to the computer... You have to love it when Murphy's law rules your life. lol. I've got my glass of D. Coke, and a box of tissues so I think I'm ready to start.. I will apologize ahead of time, when I get nervous or upset I usually try to interject humor, but I will try to keep it to the point... Hopefully..

I started out growing up south of Birmingham, Al and lived within walking distance to my Aunt's house and my four cousins, three girls and a boy. Their youngest, Susie, was only a few months older than I was and we were more like brother and sister than cousins. With my Dad being disabled (from Korea) he spent most of the time on his tractor and my Mom worked for a Doctor as a secretary so I lived mostly at my Aunts through the day. I think I was about four when Susie started dressing me up, always telling me she wanted a little sister. That was when Rebecca was brought to life, I spent most summers as Rebecca, my Aunt and female cousins thought it was great fun while I am pretty sure Susie realized near the end that I was happier as Becca. When I turned seven I lost my dad from a heart attack and eleven months later my Mom remarried and we moved to MS....I thought my fun times sharing with Susie was over.

The next four years were hard, I had a hard time fitting in with boys my own age and always connected to the girls at school. My mom blamed my Aunt, she knew they dressed me up but not how often. Up till I was eleven when I got out of school I had to go to the hospital where she worked and ride home with her when she got off work. She had been promoted to a Medical Staff Secretary for all the Dr's at the hospital but due to it being a new position they had to put her office in with the medical library.. So with nothing better to do I would pick out journals and books to read, okay I was a weird kid for other than the reasons that brought me here lol, I eventually found one that discussed Gender Dysphoria, although it wasn't called that then(cant remember but I digress), and certain things started making sense to me.. Then after I turned eleven my parents believed me to be old enough to ride the bus home, and that left me almost 3 hours everyday of me time.. Rebecca was resurrected and I started letting her out every chance I got, I had a few close calls but to my knowledge no one found out.. I had realized then that I could not ever be a boy, in my eyes girls were the most perfect things in the world.. At 12 I came out to my Mom and told her what I wanted...Then all hell broke loose..

At the time I grew to hate my parents, but looking back I understand where they came from so I have to give a bit of back story on them so i don't portray them as monsters... They only did the best they knew how, and I know that now.. It took years but I finally was able to forgive them..

We attended a Southern Baptist Church that was all hellfire and brimstone sermons and the like, my Granddad, Mom's side, was a Baptist Minister. So naturally my Mom went off... Gave me all the typical, its a sin, immoral,,I need not go on. My Step-Dad, also a Korea vet, definitely a guy's guy went off the other side... Labeled me all the derogatory gay terms you could possibly think of.. Then I got landed in therapy not to help me but to cure me... I won't go into detail with that other than he was friends with my parents... Oh and went to the same church..If your starting to see a trend of my luck your not the only one... Well anyway I brought Becca out as often as I could, I started getting caught more often though as they were keeping closer tabs on me.. At 13 I hit puberty and I was scared of what was going to happen to my body, but to my delight I noticed my chest started getting puffy. I remembered reading about hormone imbalances (remember weird kid here) and ended up developing about an A cup then it stopped. I remember one happy memory, my Grandmother was staying with us, and saw me as I got out of the shower headed to my bedroom and she said to my Mom, " Good Lord Flora Jane that boy of yours is gonna need a bra!!" LOL I miss that woman...At fourteen I knew exactly what I had to do, I was going to escape and go for reassignment surgery..

The last time I dressed before I escaped, I had gotten tall but remained really thin.. Think i was in between a size 6 and 8, with a shaper I rocked a size 6, even standing 6ft tall. And I was adorable... Then I hit fifteen and got two part time jobs along with school and lost time for Becca, but that was ok my plan was in place.. I had also decided to go along with "Therapy" to finally shut my parents up.. Instead of listening to him I started developing my coping strategies, for example if friends saw a gorgeous girl I learned the proper responses while inside my head was screaming god I love the way that dress fits her, or I want a pair of those shoes.. Pretty sure everyone understands.. Sadly one of the coping mechanisms I developed was the mirror... I HATED looking at myself in the mirror, so I started only focusing on what needed the attention... Brushing my hair... all I saw was my hair sitting on a fuzzy image... Brushing my teeth...only saw my teeth...The aforementioned hormonal imbalance turned out I was right, but not the way I wanted.. My testosterone was slow to ramp up but when it did, I was unaware of the changes.. Blurry mirror remember..

Shorty after I turned 18 I was deemed cured by the quack and I had saved a tidy enough sum to escape... Four years holding down 2-3 part time jobs payed off and I flew the coop, quite literally..I bought a plane ticket and had read that Denver was the place to start transitioning so Denver I went.. Got an apartment and before I got anything unpacked, I was only the phone ordering Becca some new clothes.. Sadly I never thought about what my measurements were in my excitement, only that Becca was about to be free.. It took almost a week for my girl things to arrive and I couldn't wait.. As I started the transformation, I was still suffering from the hazy mirror syndrome.. Focus on my eyes.... beautiful...lips...luscious... then proceeded to get my clothes on and when done I stepped in front of the mirror to congratulate my old friend... Only problem I couldn't find her anywhere in the mirror, just this big hulking guy in a dress stared back at me...That adorable vivacious girl that I KNEW I was...She was gone..I don't know how long I cried, days maybe..Its blurry now. Then the depression came in.. A few days later I tried the only escape I could think of... Thankfully my heart ended up being stronger than my will, cause I did wake up after almost 3 days later and proceeded to bury Becca... for her own sake..

The next 20 years I tried to be that guy that everyone always wanted to be... Through 1 failed marriage and in a fairly good one now... Made it really hard though, while I absolutely LOVE women... I'm not sexually attracted to them....But then my sexually confuses the heck out of me so I wont try to explain here. To date the only person that ever figured out I wasn't a "normal" guy was my 1st wife... Turned out I was TOO caring in the bedroom... No guy is like that... But she categorized me wrong and thought I was just gay...

That brings me up to current events, I am currently moving my family (wife and three beautiful daughters) to the Tampa Bay area for my oldest's health problems. To save money till the move I bought a sailboat and am living on it until our house back home sells.. My family is still back home, girls are in school and my wife is attempting to sell the house.. That leaves me with a LOT of alone time, and I started reading some stories on a popular TG fiction site. While Becca, I thought, was dead there has always been a she under the skin.. I came across a story that started out almost EXACTLY like mine... instead of a cousin it was a twin.. But Susie and I were mistaken as twins alot, not identical but still...All the emotions, everything... has come down on me... I've lost weight, which I needed anyway, but not this fast, cant sleep due to all the emotions running through me..

That's about all I can write right now, forgive me if my writing wanders around too much or if there are bad grammatical errors... I can't see well enough to try to proof read... After almost 40 years you all are the first to ever hear this... Thank you.

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Hi Becca,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

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Hello Becca and welcome to LP.

VERY moving life story. I felt like i was there.

Looking froward to her more from you.

Much love

MIra

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Thank you, should have reread this after work today, short time to recompose myself before I have to head out.. I noticed a couple things I wanted to put in there, last night I just had to grab the keyboard and put the gas pedal to the floor or so to speak... If I stopped not sure if I would be able to finish.. The main thing I wanted to tell you was how I came out to my Mom, probably not the best way looking back. I met her at the door as Becca, I just knew in the bottom of my heart that if she saw how pretty I was and how happy that she would understand...I had forgotten how confident I was....

I talked to my cousin and she is supposed to be emailing me a picture of me and Susie, think its the only one ever taken with me being Becca. Well I need to get up and put my big girl panties on, dry my eyes, and get ready for the day.... I'm worse than my wife was when she was pregnant... I can go from totally ok to a soul-wrenching cry in about .62 seconds lately..

.I hope you all have a wonderful day ahead of you..

Becca

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Welcome Becca, it was good to chat with you on Tues. nice now to read your story.

Laura's is a good place for fragled emotions but you sound like a mature confident woman who knows who she is. Thats something I am just learning as I climb out of the river.

Again welcome.

hugs rita

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Welcome Becca! Never be affraid to share with us anything and everything that you may need to. We are all here to support one another. In all honesty, the support of everyone here has helped save my life.

Welcome again and it is very nice to meet you!

Hugs

Shauna

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Thank you Rita and Shauna, Rita could you point out where you saw confident cause I feel the exact opposite. I'm second guessing everything... and when I'm done I start second guessing my second guesses... I wish I could find 1/10 the confidence I had back then, because I really don't feel it. I do know, without any doubt to me, where I want to end up, but then when I think what this could do to my wife and children... I know what all the confusion has done to myself, and to then force it on them makes me feel selfish. They didn't ask for this.... Ok thats enough self wallowing for one day.... Thank you all, for the warm welcome..

On a brighter note today I did feel a bit better, not quite so despondent as I had been. Maybe opening up helped, or maybe that butterfly in china flapped his wings different and made me feel better... Don't know, and don't care, but it was a better day than most lately... Other than hitting the scale at the local Publix and finding out I'm down another 5 lbs... /sigh

Oh yeah, thought my work shoes had stretched out some due to the fact they had gotten loose and I couldn't lace them any tighter... Went and bought a new pair and I am down a size... Turns out with the weight I've dropped my feet have gotten smaller... I'd have never guessed that I had fat feet. It was a new one to me..

Also I found out there is a LGBT that meets once a month here, walking distance from where I live I think. About to email them to see if it would be alright if I attended the next meeting.

Becca

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Becca

I suppose I saw your humour as a sign of confidence, the ability to giggle and make bad puns (I love bad puns). OK so humour can mask insecurity but just felt from your story that you knew who you were and wear you were going, maybe a sense that you have always know'n.

Oh well just my 2 cent, best of luck with your journey.

hugs rita

hugs rita

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Well I admit I love bad puns too... Especially when I can hear someone groan...hehe.

I am extremely confident in a couple of things... I should have been born Rebecca Jane (my last name), Jane is after my Mom... Even with the way she handled the situation, she was still my Mom and I loved her very much. The other thing is I love my family, wife and 3 girls, with all my heart, and the last thing I want to do is hurt them... With my sleep issues and my problems eating, I have to do something.. I am not mildly depressed or anything, just extremely torn. If I don't somehow get these issues resolved, not sure how much my body can take. I've lost a bit over 40lbs since early to mid Jan, and its not getting any better yet...

Right now what is constantly running thru my thick head is, if I get seen and there is no doubt in the therapists eyes that I need to transition for my safety. What would it do to my family. Therein lies all my confusion, hoping once I attend the LGBT meeting here I might can get some info on a professional to talk to. Hardest part now is overcoming my phobia of a Therapist... I've let that one experience (ok several years worth) effect my better judgement. I'm trying, I really am. I do feel so much more relieved having opened up some, but still having issues.

As far as humor goes, I use it as a distraction for myself, and occasionally if I can make someone else giggle too it makes me feel a bit better. On my FB account I regularly post stupid inane things, usually as a crack on myself, just to hopefully brighten someones day up...For example, a while back I posted " I see all these people who are aging like fine wine, why the heck am I aging like milk!!" You never know when someone somewhere might desperately need a good laugh, and it gives me a warm feeling if I can give that to them.

Rita thank you so much for your kind words.

Hugs

Becca

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Right now what is constantly running thru my thick head is, if I get seen and there is no doubt in the therapists eyes that I need to transition for my safety. What would it do to my family.

I feel you to an extent, there becca. I dont have any kids, but im concerned about my Wife. We put so much effort into our relationship, to make this marriage work, and now this. Which i always knew subconsciously.

I am looking forward to see a gender therapist...i want answers. im tired of guessing. Especially now that my wife knows about it.

Always here for you becca, just come and let it all out. Im here anytime for you, if you need me. ;)

HUggs you

Love Mira

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Ugh... after two somewhat decent nights, it appears I'm back to not sleeping. Instead of just bags, I think I have a full set of luggage under my eyes now. Wish I could find a snooze button for my brain to keep it from racing for just a few hours..

Mira I can't thank you enough for your kind words, and support. After what we talked about last night, I've realized I do know what would transpire if I told my wife. While I love her, unfortunately this is something that she will not be able to wrap her head around. As of this morning, I am looking forward to talking to a therapist as well.. On a lighter note, maybe he will just tell me I'm crazy <_< ..

Much love and respect,

Becca

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Becca I love your style!

This can be such a difficult and painful yet exhilarating and liberating time for those of us who have a lot of life experience behind us.

There is so much to process and sort and reexamine and define. I had to work through my entire life when I finally realized that I was a man and not a woman with a man's mind as I had said since puberty. I never knew others like me even existed. Woke up one May morning at 2:30 Am and said aloud "I am transgendered". Had to go look up what it meant and suddenly my life made sense at last. (I had watched a tv program a few weeks earlier that had discussed transgender although thought I wasn't paying attention. It was too threatening at the time I think). And I found out I was not a freak and not alone. Then I was blessed enough to find Laura's. but I did have to reassess my whole life.

That part is behind me now. I am at peace with who I am and what happened. I am a DES baby and almost certainly intersexed. There is a lot of evidence that I was surgically altered. Which has proven to be difficult for me to process too. It means my family hid the truth from me for decades. Until I opened up about being transsexual I was in denial about that too. And it has all meant that I can be open not only with myself but the world now. It has been scary but so exciting and unnerving at times that I have also spent many nights sleepless or sleep short. Which because of a health condition can be a serious issue for me. Yet the decrease in internal pressure and stress has more than offset it I think. After working through so much I am more at peace and happier than I ever dreamed I could be. Live a life free of the depression that has dogged me since childhood. I get down still-don't we all?-but it is night and day from the suicidal depression of decades.

This period of excitement will slowly pass-there is still pleasure and excitement and pain but for me they have become less intense and I am beginning to just live my life. Laura's keeps me somewhat trans focused but it no longer defines me. I am myself first. Then I am a man and last I am a trans man.

With your wit and style I'm sure you'll be fine and sleeping more before long. Losing weight. Yeah-I did that too and took advantage of that initial loss of interest in food to start eating healthy. Down 175 lbs now-in my mid 60s too. Feels good.

Hugs

Johnny

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first of all im on writing from my phone so ecuse my spelling or sentences. lol Becca im soooo very glad you decided about going to a therapist. i wanted to suggest that to you after our conversation last night. yay you can do it! Jonny what you shared with us is helping awhole lot me and im sure others too. thank you sooo very much. everyday i learn more about it and i experience more and more peace. glad that you were able to get through all this. i would love to write more but im at work and on my phone. i just had to say this. huggs both of you. much love Mira

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Thank you Johnny, and I have to tell you that I love your posts. I find your eloquence and kindess very reassuring. I guess one thing, yeah yeah I know yet another one thing lol, that is bothering me is that I thought I had found that peace and happiness. I mean I have three daughters, I was going to get to experience the sleepovers, the shopping for new clothes, the whole girl thing times three, even if it would be as a helpful observer. I had forgotten how powerful this.. this... its to strong to just say feeling but that is all I can come up with right now, was. It really is amazing, how one little story could just bring it all back to me.

As far as depression, after my one suicide attempt, I thank God daily it was only an attempt, something clicked inside me, maybe something happened internally those 3 days I was unconscious, and I refused to go back down that road. If I ever felt myself start to slip, I would do whatever I had to do to pick my spirits up.. Even something as lame as buying a bag of Laffy Taffy's and reading the stupid jokes..Some of them you can't help but smile with. and that helped, just enough to make me pull myself back up. I guess that was my defense mechanism, and it has helped me tremendously. I know without a doubt that I am one of the extremely lucky ones.

As far as where I want to end up I can think of only one destination, I really don't care which path I take to get there, and that is to see my girls grown up. As of this morning i am down to 205lbs, while I know that still sounds like alot I am a large, large individual. lol If you passed me on the street you would probably look around to see where I parked my blue ox....Thank you puberty...NOT.. While my Dr tells me I should weight no more than 186 for my BMI my ribs are already poking through and I am scared that I don't much else to drop. In guy sizes I wear a 48 jacket, and am about to have to get me some 30 shorts... the 32's I just bought a week ago are starting to slip.. But anyway, hoping once I can get in to talk to someone might can help me rationalize this better.. I do feel much better since joining and opening up about it.. I was about to say you can't imagine how much its helped....Silly me what was I thinking... Thank you all for being understanding..

And PS I'm not joking about maybe he will just say I am crazy...Those long white jackets with the shiny buckles can be quite fashionable with the right accessories :lol:

Love

Becca

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omg becca. you gonna make me cry. your words are sooo deep and sooooo moving. im glad i read this at work and not at home. i would have sobed like a baby. im so thankful for you that you overcame this thought of suicide. this week i gotten closed to realize how it feels and how it made so much more sense that some ppl think of that way. i know thats not a way out. but everything is more understandable. Hugs. love Mira thought

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Hello Dear, and a warm welcome to our family here at Laura's! And thank you for telling us about yourself so we can get to know you. I believe that becoming the transpeople we were born to be is indeed an arduous journey, but so is being authentic for any person. Supporting each other to be our authentic is what we are all about here, which makes Laura's such a wonderful place. Sure there are the heart-aches but then there are the triumphs and exhilaration of self discovery and being who we were born to be.

Miss Ricka

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Thank you Miss Ricka for the very warm welcome, I just hope I don't bore anyone too severely.. I know my story isn't really that different than anyone elses, but the weight that seems to be lifted with the more of it I tell is amazing.. To me at least.

Mira honey, the last thing I want to do is to upset or make anyone cry. This whole experience has been surreal to me, and I want everyone here to know me, the pure unadulterated me, and not the person I've been showing to the world my whole life.. For that I am trying to be as honest and trying not to be misleading in anything, but while I'm typing my emotions get the best of me and the words don't quite come out right. I think I was misleading in that last post though, I should have said I was thankful it was only a failed suicide attempt. I was completely and utterly lost at the time.. There is absolutely no way I should be here right now, I took enough muscle relaxers to stop the heart of a decent size horse.. But something, or someone kept my heart beating and I eventually woke up, took probably another day for me to get enough coordination back to drag myself to the tub. I eventually came around enough to function and clean myself up. I swore then and there that I would never be in that place again..EVER... And as I said earlier, the people here at Laura's are the only ones I've ever told... I've hidden it for almost 22 years now.

I guess as lame as its sounds, I've stared at the darkest part of my soul... and I really didn't like what I saw... I try my very, very best to be upbeat and happy, and most days I succeed.. Those days I don't...well those days just make me try harder the next day.. I refuse to be surrounded by that darkness ever again. I firmly believe I survived for a reason and I find that reason I'll keep surviving. At least that's my plan.

Love you all,

Becca

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Mira honey, the last thing I want to do is to upset or make anyone cry.

Dont judge yourself of how you are. I felt so bad for you and i can relate to you a whole lot. I want your best. So, im not upset. ;)

We appreciate you sharing all this with us and i see that you actually making progress by doing so. Sooo happy for you

I got to go to work. will write more later.

Much love

Mira

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Hi Becca. I know I'm late to this party, but after reading your story (attached to your response to me in the suicide thread), I wanted to respond. But feared a response to this there would just be deleted because it would d off topic... -grin-

Anyway, wow! My mom and sister would dress me up (but only at Halloween) and tell me how pretty I was. Jennifer lived for those moments! And dressed herself privately when time allowed. It would have been so amazing to have been allowed to be airflow girl all summer!

I wanted to applaud your treatment of your parents here. In my eyes this speaks of great integrity and grace in the person you are. I just wanted to tell you that.

Peace this day.

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Hi Becca, Welcome to Laura's.

Everything you are going through at this point is not uncommon, the second guessing especially. I used to be the same way, as you advance on your journey, the 2nd guessing will stop as you find your inner peace.

-Christina

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