What's wrong with me

[Guest Johnnifer]

I am new to these forums and in part joined them due to this "What Am I" forum.

I am male identified and 34 years old, other than that I am not sure.

With me it all started when I was a teen. You know how each grade level had one kid who has no friends, no one to hang with, no one to talk to? That was me. To make it worse I went to a junior/senior high (both in one building) so their was no maturity leap between the two.

I was a nerdy kid into the study of animals (thus not a POPULAR kind of nerdy like computers or sci-fi), I wasn't attracted to anyone, I was unathletic, not into the popular shows and music, and worst of all not attracted to anyone.

Due to that I was teased alot. Harassed verbally, sexually, and physically in that order.

The sexual harrassment was among the worst. I was pinched on the comment by guys with lewd comments made, called gay, called girly, treated as less than a man. This made me question who and what I was. I turned to the school libraries medical and genitics books to find out. In those I read of TG and intersex conditions and found my first questioning and my first arousal.

Wondering if I was a man, woman, or something else I tried dressing in my moms clothes. On the third day she caught me and I repressed the feelings for years afterwards.

I also found TG fiction for a while and that was the focus of some excapism.

In college I felt my first attraction to girls (but no arousal in real life at that time). I also realized that I was a man and my issues were masculinity and macho, not being male. After that my fantasies started drifting more and more male to things like partial TG, girly acting FtM, and men dressing and acting girly. At first I thought that this meant I was cured. A sign I no longer had issues. I soon was to learn this was wrong.

About seven years ago things came back in a way. About this time I met a friend online who was questioning both his gender and sexuality. At first I tried to turn away his issues as it made me uncomfortable, but he kept telkling them to me and soon i grew supportive.

What I didn't realize (as I was in denial of it) is I also grew to have a crush on him. He was unpassing when in girl mnode but very cute in either mode. Sadly soon I got hurt (RP went bad when he took out real life pain on me).

Since that point I felt my real life attraction swing between men and women. For guys I mostly like cute 20-30 something guys. For women it is much less stable and a bit rarer. And my feelings for cvute yet unpassing TG people is stronger than both.

Next I outed myself to my mom, she freaked out and it hurt me alot (worse still I live with her still and cannot explore myself). This is in part why i am scared to move out and get my own life (I told her of moving out to be myself and she kept upping the fear of being kicked out or a bad neighborhood).

Things changed even more when I dated a TG girl. She reintroduced me to crossdressing. Something I do not do much but do on occasion when I feel very girly. Sadly living alone I have no chance to at home and at GLBT clubs I get mocked for it. It is made worse by the fact that I do not want to pass.

Sadly the TG girl I dated used me for my money and cheated on me and we broke up. One thing I learned from this is a transsexual is not for me. I want someone who can enjoy every aspect of their gender. Someone whose identity is more like both a man and a woman in a mans body, or maybe a woman trapped in a mans body and LOVING it. Sadly I doubt either identity exist.

I am having trouble fitting in anywhere. I find both Gay and TG people dislike male identified occasional crossdressers who do not want to pass. TG people do not like people who do not pass. If you neither have a strong attraction to women or a desire to be one you are an outsider among them. And worst since my attraction is often a bit stronger towards them they often assume I am just a "disgusting chaser out to jusdt get a chick with a penis". Even on fiction/fantasy sites I am an outsider as my tastes are male and gay and TG is all about the WOMAN. If you don't want to pass you also do not fit in.

So what am I?

GENDER: As for my own gender issues I have been starting to feel very girly again and wish I had an outlet for it. Also at times I get strong breast envy. I never identity as female and have no interest in passing, Sometimes I wish I could blur or mix the lines. At times I wish I was intersex as that would explain everything. I used to feel like I was between the lines but lately I feel more male but at times I feel intensely feminine and want to express it. Being depressed over that is what caused me to join this group last night.

SEXUALITY: Unlike most people I tie sexuality to my gender identity. Without one I'd have never got the other. What am I sexuality wise? In normal scenarios I am mostly into men, especially younger 20-30 year olds) with bright eyes and soft cheeks. Sometimes I feel attraction or arousal to genetic women but it is rarer and has no real fixed trigger as to what kind I like anymore. The rare times I meet TG's it has a stronger attraction in me than men or women but they usually have to be unpassing (yet attractive to me, my standards however do not match most on attractive). I also usually get a crush on anyone who I think understands my gender/sexuality issues and has something in common with me.

At times I wonder on the overlap between self image and attraction and wonder if I want to be what I desire, date it, or both.

So what am I? I feel like a freak and I hate that. I have no place for me and feel no people like me exist. If you identify as male and find the male forma ttractive TG sites push you to the sidelines. If you like being girly acting and dressing gays don't want you as they despise femininity. What's wrong with me? What am I?

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Johnifer.

I really appreciate you opening up to us about your life and your feelings. We aren;t therapists and can't tell you whether you are transsexual, or a cross dresser, or androgynous, or something in between. What I can tell you is to please don't worry about boxes or labels, because the spectrum of gender and sexual identity is very broad, and often people don't easily fit in any one spot. Sometimes people's identity can be fluid, and you may identify one way this week, and another way next week. The important thing is to know that wherever you are in the spectrum is OK, and you should be proud of the person you are, and not worry about what other people think.

I strongly suggest you seek out the services of a gender therapist, someone trained and experienced in gender issues, if at all possible. They will be able to help you dtermine who you are and what path is right for you. They won't tell you the correct path, but will help you find it for yourself.

Please ask all the questions you want in any of the forums. We will be here to find answers for you. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as we use them to keep the site safe for everyone.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Johnnifer]

I strongly suggest you seek out the services of a gender therapist, someone trained and experienced in gender issues, if at all possible. They will be able to help you dtermine who you are and what path is right for you. They won't tell you the correct path, but will help you find it for yourself.

I had two therapists over the years but never a gender therapist. I doubt my area has anything that specialized. My first one helped alot, my second one wasn't that good and I think things got worse under her.