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Hello everyone! I'm a closeted ftm transgender.

Guest thisismyname1234

By Guest thisismyname1234,
in Transgender Biography

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Guest thisismyname1234

Guest thisismyname1234

Posted
Posted

Or almost completely closeted for that matter, but I'll get to that later.

I've been looking for a great website for transgendered individuals, and I am happy that I found Laura's Playground!

I warn you... this will be quite long...

Hope I don't get too boring!

When I was very little, I had no idea about gender differences and about what was expected of people of different genders. I was a pretty naive but happy kid. Even so, I was not very comfortable with being put in pretty dresses all the time. I am sad to say I was mommy's little girl. I remember for a formal occasion, my mother made me wear a white dress and red dress shoes. When one of her friends exclaimed, "You have red shoes... like Dorothy! How cute!" I inwardly stiffed, but at the time I did not know why.

I have always disliked being called cute, although I did not say anything for fear of getting scolded.

I always felt different and I disliked girly things. The thought of makeup and giggling about boys sickened me. Climbing trees and playing video games was my thing.

I believe I even had penis envy when I was little, because I remember being only 5 when I kept wondering why I didn't have a penis and then tried imitating my dad when urinating (lol and I succeeded).

Starting some time in elementary school (3rd grade?) I began classifying myself to others as a tomboy, and felt momentarily secure under this facade. Then years later, puberty had to strike.

My first two years of puberty was the first time I experienced dysphoria.

It was all so disturbing and confusing to me as I watched my body (particularly my thighs) slowly gain weight and my hips widen. I also remember my first bra-shopping experience. I began having many insecurities about my body. I always wore cruddy and baggy clothes to try to hide whatever curves I have. It was at this time that I started becoming depressed.

Ever since middle school, I wished I could transform into a boy. In all my dreams and fantasies I was male. Sometimes I dressed in more male clothes; whenever I did, it felt right.

And who could forget about getting their first period? Realizing that I would have to go through this every month when boys didn't have to gave me my second batch of dysphoria.

When high school came, I tried really hard to push my feelings back and try to be a normal girl, exactly the way my mom always wanted. For the first semester of my freshman year, I wore my hair down and dressed in more girly clothes. I even tried changing my personality. I have to admit, I felt so uncomfortable doing this. During the second semester of the year, I realized that I couldn't do this to myself and I resolved to change things a bit. I gave up trying to act so girly and tried to convince my mom to let me cut my hair short, which took a few months of persistence before she finally gave in. I am so glad I have taken that step.

I also once again dressed in unisex clothing. (I wanted so badly to shop in the boy's part of the store for my clothes, but my mother would never let me and told me that if I did "I would look like a lesbian.")

In my sophomore year of high school, I began seriously considering the possibility that I was a boy trapped in a girl's body. I started researching... and did a hell lot of research. It is worth noting that at this time, my depression worsened.

And then in my junior year, any doubts that I was transgender were gone. Everything made sense to me.

Everyday, I experience terrible dysphoria and cannot stand seeing myself in the mirror. Since a year ago, I started seriously exercising and dieting in order to try to lose my lower body weight. Unfortunately, my weight on my bottom and thighs won't go away. =( I've tried so many things. Hopefully that will go away if I start on T!

So far I have come out to both of my parents and a couple of my friends. My friends have been supportive of me, and my dad at the very least accepts the fact. My mom on the other hand is very strongly Catholic and thinks that everything LGBT is evil. She still does not take me seriously and makes snide comments about my transexuality (and my bisexuality). She constantly uses the Genesis and the Adam&Eve parts of the Bible to try to tell me I'm just crazy and I'm a girl.

But no I am not; I am who am I, and I am a man.

So everybody, I am Chris, a transguy who is currently a senior in high school. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. =)

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  • Root Admin
MaryEllen Gold Member

MaryEllen

Posted
  • Root Admin
Posted

Hello Chris,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. :)

MaryEllen

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Guest angels wings

Guest angels wings

Posted
Posted

Hello Chris :) Welcome to Laura's

Thank you for sharing with us . I'm sure you will meet a lot of friendly people who understand what you are going through . I'm glad you found Laura's :) there are different forums with great info in them have a look around make yourself at home . You can add a comment to any topic or create a new topic of your own . Before you do , please remember to read the Terms and Conditions

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?app=forums&module=extras&section=boardrules These rules are in place so you and all our members have a safe and warm place to come and share :) we also have chat available , you will need a different registeration to join . Looking forward to getting to know you

Angel :)

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  • Forum Moderator
Charlize Rhodium Member

Charlize

Posted
  • Forum Moderator
Posted

Hi Chris and welcome to Laura's. Hopefully you will find posts here that will help you and your posts will help others. You are not alone relax and enjoy.

Hugs, Charlie

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Guest miss kindheart

Guest miss kindheart

Posted
Posted

Hi 1234 or Chris :D

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

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  • 5 months later...
Guest Smaointeoireacht

Guest Smaointeoireacht

Posted
Posted

Hi Chris, I'd just like to say that your story wasn't boring at all but in fact was really encouraging as it sounds so familiar to my situation, so gives me hope because I'm not alone. Thanks :)

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Guest Oxygenic

Guest Oxygenic

Posted
Posted

Hey Chris, I can relate with you, man. Sorry to hear about the predicament with your mom. I haven't come out to mine yet, but I hope she'll react positively. Also, I can relate with the whole losing weight minus every freaking area of my upper legs. I have big thighs and a big butt, and I'm short. It's difficult for me to pass lol. Hopefully T will solve that problem for us to an extent.

I'm new here as well, so double welcome.

- Sky

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Guest thisismyname1234

Guest thisismyname1234

Posted
Posted

Thanks Sky.

I've heard that from many people like Johnny that T does wonders for your body. With the proper diet and exercise, we should be able to finally get masculine legs and asses. =P

I am also very short; I'm 5'3''. It's a shame, really, because my dream height is 5'8'' lol.

Also good luck for coming out to your mom, whenever that will be.

-Chris

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gennee Rhenium Member

gennee

Posted
Posted

Welcome to Laura's,Chris. CongratuIations on discovering who you are. I understand

how tough this is on your mom. Give her some time because thre's much to digest.

:)

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Guest sophia.gentry58

Guest sophia.gentry58

Posted
Posted

Hey Chris, I can relate with you, man. Sorry to hear about the predicament with your mom. I haven't come out to mine yet, but I hope she'll react positively. Also, I can relate with the whole losing weight minus every freaking area of my upper legs. I have big thighs and a big butt, and I'm short. It's difficult for me to pass lol. Hopefully T will solve that problem for us to an extent.

I'm new here as well, so double welcome.

- Sky

Welcome home Sky; enjoy your stay here.

Sophia

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Guest sophia.gentry58

Guest sophia.gentry58

Posted
Posted

Welcome to LP's family Chris, you have a home here. Way to stick to your guns on not letting religiosity dissuade you from your position.<br /><br />Sophia

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  • 4 weeks later...
KathrynJulia Rhenium Member

KathrynJulia

Posted
Posted

Hi Chris

Welcome to the playground. It's incredible that in over 50 years, not much has changed in Catholic belief. Your mom and my mother would be kindred souls. Be true to yourself and continue on the path you have chosen. It's right for you. Just remain firm in your beliefs and the doubters will come around eventually.

Kathryn

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