The Machine (i Will Remain)

[Guest Felicia Anne]

please note - i have spent all morning debating whether of not to post this writing, because i think it is dark and depressing. but, i am dealing with a wave of depression, and it is not always easy to break down what you feel into words. i tried to do that, and this is what i wrote out of those feelings...

please be kind as i try and write through my feelings...

the machine (i will remain)

longer than i can measure

more than i have seen

i still cannot fathom

belonging to a much larger machine

for all that i have discovered

is nothing more than what has already been in motion

what is presented

what is accessable

what is on this conveyor belt

that i am a part of

that i belong to

there is a beginning

there is what happens to you along the way

and eventually

there is an ending

i will remain silent

i will remain still

i will go where the machine directs me to go

and there i will remain

i am small

smaller than even the tiniest piece

that makes the machine run

compared to this machine

i could be called insignificant

so many pieces on a treadworn belt

parts for a machine that never stops running

never slows down

never accomodates beyond it's capacity

to sort

to count

to use

to categorize

to decide what is useful

to decide what has no use

the machine knows more than i do

the machine does more than i do

the machine matters more than i do

i will remain silent

i will remain still

i will go where the machine directs me to go

and there i will remain

the sheer enormity of this machine

is beyond my ability to comprehend

and it challenges my imagination

and when your imagination fails

fear will always take control

always

i fear the machine more than

i fear what the machine does to me

it is easier to understand my pain

than to ever understand

why something was created that could inflict pain

i wish i never knew what i know now

i wish that my desire for knowledge and understanding

resulted in growth and not fear

but i know what i know

and nothing can ever stop that

nothing ever stops the machine

nothing

i will remain silent

i will remain still

i will go where the machine directs me to go

and there i will remain

[Guest Elizabeth K]

i fear the machine more than

i fear what the machine does to me

it is easier to understand my pain

than to ever understand

why something was created that could inflict pain

Society or the mindlessness of existance? Or are they somewhat the same?

Dark is good sometimes - I always find the best 'honest' music is Blues - which has its origin in feelings of hurt and helplessness. Putting feelings on paper is like a thousand visits to the therapist. hummmm .... Well done - you best wording may be in the part I copied.

You MUST write me sometime - PM that is... I am intrigued by your feelings of isolation. You are not at all weak - your strength shines between the lines...

Lizzy

[Sally]

Very nice, I like the way you are able to convey the feelings of isolation. It is a bit, rahter, OK - it is very dark, but it needs to be.

You haven't lost my PM so if you are still feeling this isolated and alone talk to Lizzy and me, we'll get you to feeling appreciated!

That is what we love to do - talk!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Felicia Anne]

lizzy and sally, i pretty much wrote this to get some of the feelings of despondency out of my system. i am trying hard to make some changes in my life that will get me closer to becoming the woman i have dreamed of being for the past 25+ years, but it seems that all of my life, there have been incidents, co-incidences, events and forces that prevent me from being her. it feels as if there is some controlling force that want me to be something else. i have the feeling that what i want to be (a woman, no more and no less) will never override what i feel the world wants me to be (a man, which i don't like being). it's as if the world wants me to be a man, and that i am not meant to be a woman. and when it comes to me vs. the world, i don't really stand a chance.

add that feeling to someone who already has a massive inferiority complex and a submissive personality, and you can see why the feelings of despondency, being overwhelmed, and/or feeling inferior are very common for me...

does that make sense?

[Sally]

it's as if the world wants me to be a man, and that i am not meant to be a woman. and when it comes to me vs. the world, i don't really stand a chance.

add that feeling to someone who already has a massive inferiority complex and a submissive personality, and you can see why the feelings of despondency, being overwhelmed, and/or feeling inferior are very common for me...

does that make sense?

Think of your self as The Man of La Mancha - Don Quixote! He tilted at windmills, everyone thought he was crazy and that he thought they were giants. Looking at it another way he wasn't crazy for tilting at windmills, he didn't think that they were giants, he fought them because they might be giants! And that is what made all of the difference. You are not crazy for 'fighting the world' - in truth the only way to lose is to give up. Things will happen - my divorce has delayed me - DELAYED ME -NOT STOPPED ME! Nothing will, I will continue to work on this until the end - as long as I breathe, I know that I am woman and I will fight forever to achieve that goal. Somethings you can quit on and it doesn't really matter, but don't ever quit on yourself.

I am going to be here to remind you - daily if necessary - that you are a woman and you can transition and be that woman!

I'm never going to quit on me or you - so don't you!

Might seem a little harsh, but it is very important - attitude and determination will make the difference - we can support each other.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

i pretty much wrote this to get some of the feelings of despondency out of my system. i am trying hard to make some changes in my life that will get me closer to becoming the woman i have dreamed of being for the past 25+ years, but it seems that all of my life, there have been incidents, co-incidences, events and forces that prevent me from being her. it feels as if there is some controlling force that want me to be something else. i have the feeling that what i want to be (a woman, no more and no less) will never override what i feel the world wants me to be (a man, which i don't like being). it's as if the world wants me to be a man, and that i am not meant to be a woman. and when it comes to me vs. the world, i don't really stand a chance.

Yes - THATS in the poem - but its just a feeling sweetheart. Al my life I had the feeling I could NEVER be a woman - I was just too tall. FOREVER that kept me down. Then I realized that was wrong. I am already a woman - my therapist helped me see that. Height has nothing to do with it. My limitations are mine - not society's.

add that feeling to someone who already has a massive inferiority complex and a submissive personality, and you can see why the feelings of despondency, being overwhelmed, and/or feeling inferior are very common for me...

does that make sense?

No it doesn't - you are so STRONG! I see it in your posts - you are just holding yourself back for some reason - you may be very frightened. I was TERRIFIED at first. I STILL feel so strange - looking at myself - changing - becoming my heart's desire - finally after so many years... and it's happening - it's happening! And it scares me still!

Felicia Anne - you need to get in syc with your heart. Society doesn't really give much attention to you - it really doesn't care. The world that is against you is in your imagination. You gotta get with the program or you will forever be so miserable - horribly sad - completely out of line with your mind and soul, that you will be crippled. It will eat you up and you will end it all - and no one will ever get to see Felicia Anne. LISTEN TO YOUR HEART - stop what you are doing, this self depriciation - it makes great poetry but it's too self distructive! Wake up dear - get in touch with what you are - a woman already. Just work on the options - get the body in line too.

[Guest Felicia Anne]

i wish i could, lizzy... i don't know how to, though.

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

At some points the machine seems like a metaphor for the world and society and at some points I felt it could also be a metaphor for the body, a world in and of itself.

The emotions really resonated with me. The insignificance the powerlessness. It does feel that way sometime.

This was a really well arranged and beautiful piece. Thanks for sharing it with us, Felicia Anne.