feeling alittle better after my suicide attempt

[Guest veltiro]

On Tuesday I woke up feeling like crap. I got out of bed, took my suicide note from my bag and placed it in my pocket and went straight to the kitchen and opened the door. Unfortunately my father had hidden all the sharp knives and all i could find was an incredibly blunt steak knife which was small ennough to smuggle to school in my pocket. Anyway I walked to school with a plan. A plan to kill myself. As soon as I arrived at school I sat down. People could see it in my eyes. SOmething was wrong.

I went to roll call and this girl who I am trying to befriend, Luceille was being mean to me which made me even more upset. When I went to Mr Wallace's science class and it was time to do a class speech that everyone prepared yesterday about energy sources. I did mine on coal. I put a lot of effort into my project on Monday because I wanted to make my Science teacher proud and Science is one of the last non-elective classes which I still do my best work in. I love science. Anyway, I took my A3 piece of paper from Mr Wallace's desk and started to talk. Mine was very long and I felt like I was about to cry when I presented it. But it was the last thing I was ever going to do so I made it my best. Other students in my class told me mine was crap when mine was a neatly written A3 piece of paper filled with words and information and some of theirs were just a line drawing of a pro pane cannister with a handful of words inscribed around it. I sat down and lay my head on the desk.

When the bell went I walked into the boys toilets and took my knife and note from my pocket. I took off my jumper (it's winter where I live). anyway, i pulled the knife from my pocket and took the note that was for my only true friend, Tamara and put that on the ground. I lifted up my polo shirt and took out the knife and held it. I tried to stab but I couldn't. I'm such a vagina when it comes to things like that. I'm scared of blood and blood tests are my worst enemy. I planned to cut open my stomach so the acid would burn my insides to death (like what happened in the Davici Code, if you've read that book) but the knide was so blunt and i was so scared I could not do it. Anyway, i left the toilets and walked over to where the Year 11 people hand out and some boys asked what was wrong. I showed them the knife and said how much of a vagina i was and they took me to the office, despite laghing all the way.

The office ladies got up them for laughing and I then sat in a room with Mrs Templeton, my year advisor. She called Mental Health on the phone and then we both talked to the woman over the line. She said I had to go to hospital so Mrs Templeton drove me in her car along with another teacher and then I went to hospital and I saw heaps of Medical proffessionals and they asked me lots of questions and I had to take my shoes off encase I tried to strangle myself with the laces. All I had was my phone and clothes and then my dad came to see me and he was really nice to me and my social worker, Shane came and I read him my note. He said I was a good writer and he bets I'm really good at english but i hate english because everyone in that class abuses me and my enemy oak who betrayed me as his only friend over some scumbags is like her favourite student and i hate that because she thinks i'm a distraction to the class and sometimes she even teases me a little because i get critisised in that class and i'm not even bothering with my assignments for her because i hate her.

anyway, back to the main story i got to see my social worker and he got me to draw a picture of what i wannt to look like to pass the time and i drew a woman how i want to look with big boobs and nice face etc. anyway, i don't have the note anymore (my counsilor has it) but i want it to give it to tamara, my only friend. i went home from the hospital with my dad and saw all my family at different points of time in the next few hours and everyone except my mum was really upset because they love me. my mum was just simply angry because i told her i wasn't going to do what i did that day and i spent the next two nights with my grandma maureen and she dropped me off at school this morning. anyway, the girls are being nicer to me and carly and tamara said they didn't care if i went to school with make up on but they still think i'm a boy. anyway things are way better and best of all Shane is going to talk to my parents and maybe i will get to finally dress girly afterall

Edited August 22, 2013 by Carolyn Marie
Paragraph breaks added for readability, and one naughty word edited.

[Carolyn Marie]

Veltiro, I am so very glad you're still with us, girl. That was a very close call. There are good people in your life, both at school and at home, and it seems like you are loved. Please remember that if these feelings come back to haunt you.

Nothing is so bad that you should want to kill yourself, hon. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Even if you can't get what you want right now, you will have many chances to achieve your goals in the future. Isn't that worth waiting for?

Please talk to people in your life the next time you feel this way. If none are available, please log into Chat, or PM someone here. We care about you, Veltiro. I care about you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

You have EVERY chance of winning out over the people who make you feel the worst. Think of it a bit, and you can see why, they feel better about themselves by putting others down, but you know what is ahead that will make your life better than theirs. You will be in a place you have worked hard to be and will be known for the work. You will have many more chances of making people happy to be around you than they ever will. You have love and concern of your family, and the others are not so fortunate. I can understand your mother's anger and disappointment though, because I am the parent of a child who has broken their contract against harm on several occasions. If you had promised, you at least owed it to her to say you could not keep the promise. Because she loves though, once the anger is spoken, it should be over, and a new chapter of life can begin.

[Guest Tamar]

Hugs.Glad you're still with us honey.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello lovey I'm so glad your here and ou got the help you needed .be patient with your mum she obviously loves you or she would not be showing any kind of emotion .and anger is one of the steps to get through before one truly accepts .hang unto hope you can have a wonderful life .thinking of you

Angel ((((((hugs))))filled with hope

[Guest WFane]

Veltiro,

I don't know you at all, but i did go through almost everything you described when I was 16. I am 28 now, and am so glad I didn't go through with it. I'm not gonna lie, everyone told me highschool would be the best 4 years of my life. It was the worst. But after, everything changed for me. I still presented male as at the time I was unaware what was wrong, but things got a lot better.

If you go to college, pick one that isnt in town. In town college typically turns into highschool part II. You will find better people. You will find more people. You will find yourself. You will love others. You will love yourself because you carried through.

Best of luck chica.

[Charlize]

I'm so glad you are still with us. I'm amazed i made it. At times i felt like checking out but always chickened out. I hope you are getting help from professionals who you can really talk too. Sometimes we can't get through things by ourselves. Please reach out for help when you are really down and before you even write a note. Come here or chat or any of the other chat lines available. Better yet i hope you will start working with a therapist who can help you with your feelings about relationships and gender. I know it is hard to believe when you are there but school is over quickly and life is often much easier to enjoy. We get through our troubles day by day and then suddenly they are gone and we are free.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Rainatgirl]

I am happy you are OK.

Hugs

[Guest jenn777]

I just want to say that all of that stuff that goes on in middle and high schools, all the drama and backbiting and so on, it's all just childish crap. In the world after school what seemed so important will be irrelivent. All that who said what to who, and who's seeing who, after they saw them, so lets all hate them, and who fat, and who's a very *friendly* person, and who wears raggedy clothes, and who thinks their so big, all of it will not matter. And nobody want to hear it either. Unless you put yourself in an environment that it continues is. Some colleges are little high schools full of cliques. I promise. It will not matter. High school isn't really life. It sort do a little heel you have to go through to get to real life. Three of my friends never found out about that. I shouldn't have to spell out why. I have been there too. Suicide, the feelings, the urge to do it, is temporary. Your mind and body can't maintain it. So you do what you have to, to wait it out.

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Veltiro,

I am glad that you did not succeed in your actions.

Many of us here are suicide survivors and can relate very well to your story.

I am hoping that you are getting the Mental Health resources that you need.

In the future, I plead that you call this Crisis Line if you feel you need help.

Australia LifeLine.org.au http://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ Call 13 11 14 for Support, 000 if your life is in Danger

You are young and have a long life ahead of you.

Additionally this resource will also be helpful to you.

Gendercentre Free Counseling http://www.gendercentre.org.au/services/counselling.htm

Suicide is a Permanent solution to a Temporary Problem

Please stay Happy and Healthy.

Hugs,

Carla