Mixed Messages

[Guest HeatherW]

Hello all!

So I'm at about 7 1/2 months on hormones, and I feel like I don't stick out much in a crowd. I'm always told how nice I look, and I've had relationships with straight guys at my school, so I figured I looked more or less like a natal girl.

But twice I've had kids I tutor tell me "you look like a boy" and it's kind of unnerving. And, while much less often,I sometimes get "THE stare" when I go out and it kind of just shoots my confidence in the foot. I'm just trying to make sense of how I can pass so easily to some and still have some people see a boy in my face.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated!

Heather

[Guest Sarah Faith]

It happens from time to time. For me I was full time within 2 months of starting HRT and in the beginning I felt like I was getting the stare pretty often, ESPECIALLY from kids. Did people really clock me though? I dunno probably not, maybe the kids did they tend to pick up on things adults really don't even care about.

Why would you be struggling at times though? I'm not sure it could something as simple as body language, maybe a slip of the voice, or any number of things.. I would keep in mind that even cis-women get misgendered sometimes, people tend to make a lot of assumptions about people based on a very small sample time so little things can sometimes build the incorrect perception. I wouldn't let it break your stride though, the more confidence you build the less people will even begin to question your presentation.

[Drea]

...I'm always told how nice I look, and I've had relationships with straight guys at my school, so I figured I looked more or less like a natal girl.

But twice I've had kids I tutor tell me "you look like a boy" and it's kind of unnerving. And, while much less often,I sometimes get "THE stare" when I go out and it kind of just shoots my confidence in the foot. I'm just trying to make sense of how I can pass so easily to some and still have some people see a boy in my face.

I wish you to see nothing negative but rather see the understanding. The fact is most people are polite, what they suspect or know they won't voice. Compliments aren't proof that one is passing. Compliments are just what they are and regardless of one suspecting you are trans or not it won't stop them from offering.

I am going to guess that those you tutor are younger folks. The young often haven't learned some of the social niceties so tend to say things an adult would never say. Also younger folks tend see smaller things, and look closer than older folks who more quickly take in what they categorize and put in male or female box immediately. The young are learning and parsing the subtle differences in the world while the older have things much more categorized. I personally also suspect the young see gender traits differently (particularly pre vs post puberty). All this means something many trans have observed is that they are more likely to get questioning looks and comments from a 5 to 10 year old than they will from an later teens and adults.

[Guest LizMarie]

I agree with Drea. Don't assume negative things. Trust me, if someone wants to be negative, you'll find out about it. Those things happen and we have to just do the best we can with them.

As for those staring? They could be staring for lots of reasons. If your avatar photo is accurate, you are a very pretty young lady and may just being looked at as another attractive woman.

When dealing with those kids, you might say something like, "Every girl is different. Sometimes some of us look a little bit like boys." Or come up with your own response to basically just gently cue them in the direction they need to go.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

First of all, kids don't know how to censor themselves. On the other hand, if you want some straight up kid honesty, when one of the kids tells you "you look like a boy", ask him/her what about you looks like a boy, and hear what they say. Or you could just say "well I'm not, I'm a girl." and then lean in and say "I even have a boyfriend!"

Then again, I'm not good with kids so that's my best kid-friendly approach so take that how you will. Let's move on to the next part...

Second, I'm used to getting "the stare". At first it would drive me up the wall because people kept staring! Every place I'd go it seemed like a few people would turn and stare. Why are they staring?! My makeup looks perfect, I'm dressed nicely, everything about me says female, WHY ARE THEY STARING!?

...then it hit me. Duh. Liz, they're staring because you're tall and they're not used to seeing such a tall woman. That was reinforced periodically by people either commenting about my height or asking me how tall I am. They're not seeing a man in women's clothing, they're seeing a really tall woman and...hmm, I wonder if she used to play basketball? Since then, I've learned to just block out people staring. People are going to stare, I can't help that. What I can help though is how it affects me. Do I let their stare eat away at my self confidence because I think they're staring at me because they read me even though I can't read their mind so I don't know exactly why they're staring, or do I just ignore it and go about my business? (wearing sunglasses helps in this regard)

Let 'em stare. Maybe they're checking you out. Maybe they're picturing you naked. Maybe they're giving you the once-over. Maybe they're looking past you to something else. Who knows?! Don't let it affect your confidence. Just keep doing what you're doing.

[Charlize]

I recently had a young girl ask her grandma if i was a boy in my local crowded post office. I felt that shot ; you bet i did. It has been a long time since that had happened and it made me confront how much it really matters to me. At times going stealth is very important while at others i will be out easily and comfortable with folks knowing i'm trans. So much of my life is just lived now and it sounds like that is your situation as well. I think we have to just take the minor bumps and smile. That's what i tried to do and find even puts off the big starers without an invitation if i work it right. This is an odd balance but it is a good one.

Hugs,

Charlie

[VickySGV]

I was standing in line to a rest room one time when a young male going into the rest room with his mother told an elderly woman in the line behind them that she looked like a guy. (She had Native American features.) At first, it was a good thing the kid did not speak the older woman's language, but the mother screwed that up by using the common language of the two women to apologize for what her son said. (Fireworks!!) The kid looked right at me several times but never said anything. I agree with Liz idea of telling the kid you have a boyfriend.

For being stared at, it was when I learned to gauge where the eyes were staring. Hint, it was below my chin by a few inches and usually when I had certain tops on. I am not that big in the bazoom, but any top that emphasized what I do have was an eyeball magnet. (I got to see the results from a couple of stares, it was funny when they got caught by their SO's and physically pulled back into their real space/time.)