If "The Boss" isn't beating me up, why should I?

[VickySGV]

For the past 20 years I have used a talent learned as a young boy as part of an Easter Service my church calls the Great Vigil Of Easter. The talent is to light a fire using flint and steel so that church lights that were extinguished as part of a somber and sorrow themed liturgy on Maundy Thursday can be re-lighted (we do know where the light switch is though). Our parish had joined with a neighboring parish for the service this year and we were at their church. Last year, it took two strikes of my flint iron on the flint and the fire took off beautifully. It did not happen that way this year, I got plenty of sparks, but none were hitting the tinder and lighting it. The officiating priest came to the rescue with a match from inside his cassock, and the fire did start impressively (I had at least laid it out well). I was chagrined, but realized several minutes later that I was not beating myself up and blaming myself for having SPOILED a beautiful and moving service. People were smiling at me at the part of the service where we "Pass The Peace" and telling me how much they enjoyed the symbolism and none felt that their experience was the less that I did not actually get the fire lit with the flint and steel. As I went forward to Communion a few minutes later, I found that I was crying softly with happy tears and that indeed I was welcome and spiritually healing.

The two parishes hold joint events throughout the year, and back at Shrove Tuesday they had been at our parish hall for a Pancake Supper. Since that is a festive, Mardi Gras style party, I had worn my day-glow pink wig, and a number of them remembered me cheerfully as that person.

In my male years, I was probably the only one really beating up on myself, but that is just how I was at that time. It had to be done perfectly or I felt lower than whale poop. I am misting up a bit here now typing this just feeling a new peace. It was NOT "THE BOSS" as I sometimes lightly refer to God who was beating me up for imperfections, it was me for whatever reason that was beating me up, but now that is leaving me, I beat myself up for being imperfect as male too!! Maybe now that I have a real answer to who my authentic self is, I can love myself and not blame myself for things as I did.

Happy Easter 2014

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

I thought I was the only one who walked around with two black eyes all the time.

Had you failed lighting the fire with a misplaced bolt of lightning then maybe you could be a little down on yourself....lol

On the bright side the ritual of being imperfect can be easily maintained to perfection.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing that Vicky. It sounds like you had a revelation that brought you back to the fellowship and joy of the service and out of your imperfections. What a beautiful way to celebrate Easter.

As a side note i always had trouble with getting the sparks to catch until i was shown how well dryer lint explodes into flame with the smallest spark. Maybe if you haven't tried that you might. Old scout masters trick.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Vicky,

Thanks for sharing your very interesting story.

Hugs,

Carla