I can pass superficially, but only that

[Guest Erika_1984]

I can often pass as a woman on first impressions, but only that. Once someone begins to speak with me in greater detail and we delve into my life, I give off the vibes of a total male. My supportive mental health professionals, who tell me to correct them when they misgender me, frequently misgender me in their reports, when speaking about me to others, and when addressing me. I am ambivalent about correcting them, thinking at times, If they see me as male, then why shouldn't they refer to me in such a way? It is only natural. My therapist (who I first met after going full-time as a woman) countered that, saying I should be more assertive with my corrections.

Then, I had the greatest deception of all. Since November 2012, I have been hospitalized in a mental institution for 3 times, all 3 times on the male ward, because I have not had SRS yet. The first time was bitter, because it was the perceived inability to ever get SRS that caused me to attempt suicide; I experienced constant misgendering by staff, who scolded me when I corrected them for their misgendering and for their placing me on the male ward.

Anyway, the first stay isn't the focus of this discussion. Let's move to the second stay, where obsessive fear led me to seek the safety of the mental institution. There was a guy there, who said he had been married and had a kid, who said he was bisexual and had schizoaffective disorder--he told me about his psychotic break when he thought his manager at McDonald's was an alien and threw the fry cooker at her. He expressed great attraction in me and assured me he saw me as a woman, which flattered me a bit. But he was extremely vulgar in his advances, which made me very uncomfortable and I avoided him as much as I could. The second stay ended.

For the third stay, I stated I had an intense urge to blind myself and was looking for ways to do it, like forcing my finger into the space between my eyeball and the supraorbital bone over it (a technique I read in the medical literature that if done repeatedly and forcefully enough could lead to retinal detachment and permanent loss of vision in that eye) or by spraying my eyes with Drano. I was misgendered less here, and assigned a gay therapist who was said to be more trans friendly. Nevertheless, I was placed on the male ward. One other patient, a blind man, said it was weird I was named "Erika" because I was a guy. I did not tell him the truth. There was also a female nurse who was very, shall we say, very consistent in NOT misgendering me, in a way that to me felt forced and unnatural; she seemed almost like a slave to me. I began to recount the words of the radical feminists I have read: This woman was a funfem, a feminist on the outside but a man and phallus worshipper on the inside. I was disgusted by my perception of her worshipping my hated phallus that I wished to be rid of.

Anyway, that's not the end of it. That schizoaffective and supposedly bisexual man rejoined me during that stay, saying that he was now facing aggravated assault charges. I questioned him on his supposed bisexuality, and he admitted he said that he was bisexual only because he had once married a woman and had a kid; in reality, he had no attraction to women, only to men. Vulgarly, he then reasserted his attraction to me, revealing to me the lie he had told me before about perceiving me as a woman. With the clothing that I brought with me to the hospital, yoga pants from my mum were among them. Not being attentive, I did not realize the yoga pants are virtually impossible to tuck for and would reveal a bulge. Once when I wore the yoga pants, that man told me that he liked me to wear them and wanted to keep seeing me wear them. Immediately, I realized the bulge and swore off the yoga pants permanently. Later, he expressed disappointment that I would not wear the yoga pants any more and said he wished for me to wear them again. I became thoroughly repulsed by that guy and when he was finally transferred to the ward for the, erm, more difficult-to-control patients (generally, the flagrantly manic and psychotic patients), I breathed a sigh of relief.

So at a first impression I can pass, but I can't pass worth crud beyond that. And my experience of sexual harassment was not that of a woman's experience of sexual harassment, but that of a man being eyed by a particularly predatory gay man. How can I ask for SRS without even having had a woman's true experience (beyond the visceral urge for SRS that I've had since I was 8 or 9)? I am socially isolated, and those things Calpernia Addams and something James criticized the new up and coming trans women for, like being total computer nerds, fit me perfectly. I make a pathetic excuse for a woman and half the time feel I have no right to the title. I show my proper deference to my mother and sister on this issue, and to the women at my workplace by using only the unisex bathroom (as my HR rep advised me would be the wisest course to take).

[Guest]

Hi Erika,

I have what I call the "10-second pass". If anyone spends more than 10 seconds with me, they know I'm trans. But, they also see by my behavior - that I'm female. I can't remember having been misgendered, it's been so long. On the other hand, my doctor has misgendered me in reports. I don't think it's transphobia so much as she is focused on anatomy, not gender.

I'm a year postop, and I've said it many times before: that SRS was NOT the biggest event of my transition. To me, starting HRT was a big event, and the biggest by far was coming out and legally changing my name. And that was a surprising thought to me - because I would have prioritized it much differently a few years ago.

Nobody cares if you're preop or postop. Honestly. I found that being postop made me more at ease with myself, more happy with my body. But those things don't affect passing, they're unimportant in 99.9% of daily interactions.

Please don't spend so much time obsessing about SRS! It can eat you up stressing so much over something. Look to what you can do to help yourself today instead.

Take care!

Love, Megan

[Guest Erika_1984]

Hi Erika,

I have what I call the "10-second pass". If anyone spends more than 10 seconds with me, they know I'm trans. But, they also see by my behavior - that I'm female. I can't remember having been misgendered, it's been so long. On the other hand, my doctor has misgendered me in reports. I don't think it's transphobia so much as she is focused on anatomy, not gender.

I'm a year postop, and I've said it many times before: that SRS was NOT the biggest event of my transition. To me, starting HRT was a big event, and the biggest by far was coming out and legally changing my name. And that was a surprising thought to me - because I would have prioritized it much differently a few years ago.

Nobody cares if you're preop or postop. Honestly. I found that being postop made me more at ease with myself, more happy with my body. But those things don't affect passing, they're unimportant in 99.9% of daily interactions.

Please don't spend so much time obsessing about SRS! It can eat you up stressing so much over something. Look to what you can do to help yourself today instead.

Take care!

Love, Megan

Well, obviously the mental institution cared. And besides, I am distressed by those bits down there, I am disturbed when they rub up against a leg, and I experience shock (which has not lessened in all the years of my life) when I see them. SRS is very important to me.

[Guest]

Hi Erika,

I'm neither religious, nor an AA member, but the lines in their serenity prayer should be taken to heart:

"grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Certainly having SRS can be very important. It was that way for me. But I had to wait and wait. I accepted that I couldn't change that situation and moved on to things I could. Does that make sense?

Love, Megan

[Guest Erika_1984]

Hi Erika,

I'm neither religious, nor an AA member, but the lines in their serenity prayer should be taken to heart:

"grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Certainly having SRS can be very important. It was that way for me. But I had to wait and wait. I accepted that I couldn't change that situation and moved on to things I could. Does that make sense?

Love, Megan

I currently have a series of plans to obtain SRS. Right now, I am on Plan A.

[Guest KimberlyF]

There is a huge difference in the reasons for social transition and SRS. Many times the needs overlap. Others, there is a strong pull one way or another. One person's experience is the norm for that one person.

In some the pull to change the body they were born in is so great that no amount of clothing or change in pronouns can ever make them happy. These people often have an easier time demonstrating medical need.

Social isolation doesn't exclude one from SRS.