Five year Retrospective

[Guest]

One loses track of time – at least I do. It doesn’t seem like five years, actually. Up to 5 years ago, I had been under the delusion that sex and gender were the same. I thought I was just some sexual deviant, some odd type of gay person who wasn’t attracted to men. I’d called myself an undercover lesbian, but that was too contradictory to make sense of. And I was suffering – feeling lonely and disconnected, following a path of suicide by neglect. I really can’t remember what finally triggered my search for answers. I’d missed the obvious signs for so many years, but finally stumbled onto a revelation that transition was possible, that people could do it and survive. Up to that point, I was so transphobic of myself that the very idea would make me ill. I had let my fears lock me into the deepest of closets.

Much of my self-discovery came right here, on Laura’s Playground. With a huge relief, I became a member here 5 years ago today. But, I couldn’t transition immediately. It took a time, a lot of therapy, all the while treading lightly to help my mate understand and come to grips with my identity. It wasn’t until 2011 that I began down the path of transition…

The Milestones

When I started, I was certain that the only thing that mattered was that surgery at the end of the trail, and that everything else was merely another hoop to jump through. Little did I realize then!

It’s hard to say which is the bigger milestone, actually, but certainly starting HRT and going full-time are the bigger milestones: HRT represented the liberation of my mind and going full-time was the liberation of my body. 2011 was my liberation year – breaking out of that curse that had been mine for over 60 years before. I was happier than I’d ever been in my life, and I was basking in a freedom and acceptance in society that I’d never experienced before.

I understand why many transwomen avoid GCS, are satisfied with their body and mind, and that surgery is just not necessary. But for me, that error of body was a nearly constant reminder of what had been. Even though HRT had reduced its power, there was that constant physical urge appearing at times when I wanted it least, a distraction that was made only worse by transition. For me, GCS was absolutely necessary.

So it is, that I’m now 16 months postop. Yes, it was a big milestone. Getting to that point was an extremely difficult thing, recovery from the surgery was difficult as well. I still have a postop defect that may never be corrected. At the end, the result was just what I wanted: freedom from that incongruent urge, freedom from the reminder. It may be noted that this wasn’t about sex. In fact, it was freedom from sex that I sought. There’s that old question: The plumbing is in, but do the lights work? I rather think that surgery has advanced – the lights should and do work – but for the most part they’re left in the off position. Of course, I like the look in the mirror now. I’d always avoided looking there, mentally pixellating that part of my body to where I really didn’t know what it looked like. My first look in the mirror after surgery brought long tears of joy and release from those years of self-loathing.

What’s it like after transition is complete?

Well, it’s never really complete, you know? But one does settle into a routine after a while… Of course I can only give one person’s answer. Far more androgynous than most, I often remark to myself how strange it is to be a woman now. Nonetheless, it’s comfortable. The man was easily shed, never having fit the role, always living in a state of male fail, even prior to transition. And, it seems, that I’ve had no trouble assimilating into the woman’s world. So, I’ve found a place of belonging – even if it’s not perfect, it is far better than the role I was cast into by my genitals.

In some ways, I feel cheated in my enjoyment of this golden time. As I was recovering from surgery, my job of 20 years was crumbling. I was facing unemployment. But, I had earned respect for my years on the job, and was hired by my parent company. At only four months postop, I was on a plane to Wisconsin, to begin training for what has turned out to be a very demanding job. The demands of going back to school, of learning a complex process, of learning a whole new way of working has taken nearly all of my attention. But, that isn’t all bad. I’m now working with people who don’t know the old me. I’ve learned to fit in both as a professional and as a woman. I’ve turned my attention away from transition and into real life. And, best of all, I can forget those years of torment, forget that I was struggling through the hoops of transition, able focus on other real-life issues, transitions that happen outside of trans*-transition. It is a bit of a quirky thing – that the fact that I get up and dress the way I do, chit-chat with the ladies, use the ladies room – they all seem so commonplace now. Even having a vagina seems curiously inconsequential, no more important than any other body part. It is perhaps the goal of transition – to be able to forget that one is trans. I don’t think that I’ll ever forget. Transition is never over really – but it’s certainly not my focus in life any more.

Almost a year ago, I was prepping for another surgery. It had only a small connection to being trans. I’d struggled with an ailing hip for several years, had undergone several procedures where I had to uncover my pelvic area and suffer the embarrassment of my defective genitalia’s exposure. I put off the surgery until after GCS for that reason. And it was a relief to enter surgery knowing that the embarrassment was gone, that I was just another female patient on the table. Recovery from that surgery was quick, two weeks later running on a beach, three weeks later climbing hiking trails in the high Cascades. I wished that I’d had the surgery sooner, I hadn’t realized how much that pain was slowing me down. And it’s been a great help this year, feeling refreshed, exercising again, and losing extra pounds in the process.

I’m contemplating another transition soon. The word retirement seems to be on my lips frequently. I haven’t made a decision yet, but I’m feeling the urge. Looking forward to that time, the main thing that I picture is what I’m wearing: going back to comfortable hippy wear, or outdoor gear. Of course, after that, there will be other transitions, the scary ones like old age, infirmity, and death.

Everything I've written is in the first-person. That's not true at all. Many transitions happened alongside mine. Many people influenced my transition, and others were affected by mine. I've shared this journey with a number of people. It's a joy of life that we're so interwoven, that there's really no end to the karmic fabric we're in. I can't look back without warmly acknowledging those who were my support - I'm enriched by having been a part of Laura's Playground, but having a mate who transitioned alongside me, by close friends who shared my journey.

I'm a Buddhist, and one of Buddha's first teachings was about impermanence. Accepting our impermanent nature and the impermanent nature of those things around us is a difficult thing. Of course, the fact that we're trans should give us reason to have a better understanding, and more willingness to accept impermanence. So, we enter this path, confused and afraid, trying to hold onto things dear, and of course those around us are doing the same. It's not easy on this path! And it's true of others too - so much suffering, so many struggles to be seen. Transition may be a big moment in our lives. It's not the only one. Moments happen all the time, moments can add up to a lifetime too quickly. Moving beyond transition is simply moving on to the next transition, actually.

In the beginning, I'd talked about being lonely and afraid. Those elements still exist now, won't ever go away, It's part of who I am, probably a part of everyone. It's not all about that, just like it's not all about transition. Life after transition isn't much different than life before. I'm going out to mow the lawn now, a task I've done hundreds of times before. The same task, again. I'll enjoy it in a fresh way again today. It's hard to see the conclusion in that, but it's there: don't fear the next moment. Instead accept that it will happen no matter, and, as it unfolds, be ready for awe and beauty within. That's our impermanent life. That's the journey we're on.

My best to all of my karma-mates...

Love, Megan

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you so much, Megan, for sharing your retrospective with us. You and I came here within just a few months of each other, and its been a pleasure to watch you grow and enjoy your journey at the same time as me. We share much in common, including having a spouse transition with us, and the stresses and joys of transitioning at work. Little of it is easy, but for you, as with me, it is worthwhile and the fulfillment of lifelong dreams.

Our paths diverged some, and that's fine, because no two paths are alike, as no two people are alike. But its wonderful to hear that you're happy and satisfied with your life and where the journey has brought you thus far. It isn't over yet, my friend. We both have places yet to go, things yet to see, experiences to treasure. I hope you find retirement as fulfilling as I do, when you reach that point.

Continued good fortune and good health to you, and thanks for being here to help all of us.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Thank you Megan. I feel you touched so many of the strings that run through my life. Knowing i'm not alone can help in accepting each day and what it brings. I know i come into the world alone and will depart that way as well but the beauty of this life is somehow sweeter when shared with others.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jamie61]

Thank you so much Megan! I just joined last week and I am at the beginning my new journey. Your story means a lot to me.

Love,

Jamie

[VickySGV]

Megan -- You were one of the first ones to welcome me here to Laura's when I got here three years ago. I have a different spiritual path, but it takes in much of the same view that you talk about. It is our life, one day and one thing at a time and each does indeed create a change whether we want it or not. I have noticed that we do complement each other here in our help that we try to give others and it makes me feel really great to be here and part of the same team you are on.

[Guest April Kristie]

Megan, thank you for sharing your life story up to now. It is so insightful and well expressed, you do the LP audience a great service by doing so. I was in a Reiki class this afternoon it was all women and they made me feel welcomed and part of that group. Many told their stories of "transitions" in their lives, in relation to Reiki, careers, and their lives in general. Of course my transition is of a different sort as is yours Megan. This brought to my rock n roll mind the song by David Bowie, Changes. Isn't that what this life is all about? Sure, There are those that merely stagnate and stay the same no matter what. So many of us "engaged" individuals who wish to make grandiose changes in our lives, to correct the wrongs we perceive nature has given or dealt us can be the real winners in this life because we are focused on these larger changes? Discuss amongst yourselves....

[Guest DesiB]

I can totally relate and thank you for sharing that, Megan. MY GCS was not the pinnacle either, as much as simply living my full-time transition (after taking an early retirement and getting FFS in my case), but I'm also struggling with a career change and just living life day-to-day, as you described, with the sex-light-switch left in the off position after not being 100% satisfied with my my promised post-surgical follow up treatment and in my case not being able to trust anyone else to fix it. But life goes on, much better than before, and in a fairly normal manner. Ironically, I read this just as I was about to go cut grass myself!

[Guest miss kindheart]

<<< hug >>>

Megan

vanna

[KathrynJulia]

Thank you Megan for sharing for much of what you has been true for me to. I've only been here on Laura's less than three years, but over that time, I have looked to you for your kindness to me, your experiences gave me a pathway to follow. You've taught me that transitioning is hard, but it is who we are and it is what many of us do.

Thank you Megan for just being you, hugs my friend. Kathy

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi Megan,

Im glad that you also remain here as your posts bring hope for this wannabe for sure.

Hugs

Rachel

[JJ]

Megan I always treasure your posts though these days I seem to seldom find time to respond even to those that resonate with me. The ways I handled the feelings were differnt -and the journey has had differnt stops-surgery may forever be an impossibility-yet still so much resonates. Thank you for sharing.

For showing those still struggling here how it feels and what can be. And reminding those of us who have made the journey what it felt like and that others feel the same things though the circumstances of our lives are different.

I agree that in some sense transition never ends. We continue to grow and settle into our lives and yet in another sense it is done and we are living as ourselves in lives that are real and meaningful in ways they never could be before.

May the days ahead continue to bring you peace and joy. Since those things come from within rather than without, I am sure they will.

Hugs & love

Johnny

[gennee]

Thank you for sharing with us, Megan. We transition all our lives and that what keeps me in a happy and greatful mode. It was hard on my spouse at first. As time has elapsedd, she accepts me 100%. It's not all peaches and cream but I wouldn't trade the past nine plus years for anything.

[Cyndee]

You're such a dear friend Megan, your journey has inspired many of us. Great to see some of it in real life. Thanks for stopping by this afternoon with soul mate, enjoyed the chat with you ladies.

Love

Cyndi -