Past scars, and passing.

[Guest Dana_L]

Something has been on my mind a lot lately, more than anything else has. Ever since the passing of my abusive step father, I can't stop thinking about the beatings, and mental abuse from his hand, and voice. Many things I though I could bury down deep forever, and I had hoped would disappear when he was gone.

I don't know why he stayed with my mother, and raised my brother and I. Everything was control, he had to have someone to control, and to intimidate. I was feminine when I was a child, and up into my teens, before I had to project a certain way to get along. I remember some of the things he called me, the constant shaming, and intimidation. The way he would force me to look into his eyes when he was scaring me with threats, and ultimatums. I remember the inevitable beatings, and how strong a grown mans grip was on my shoulders, shaking me. It was that literal grip he had on me to force me. I was a source of shame, and never was allowed to leave the house, or have friends. I never knew when it was going to be time to hear that loud voice, and feel that hot breath in my face, and then getting my arms crushed. Later in my teens he would start to kick me with his boot on my hip.

Mom was the one who told me not to talk about it to anyone. I trusted her no matter what because I had to trust her. It had gone on too long I guess. On into my high school years he just began to punch me in the face, it didn't matter anymore, and I was getting more defiant. Those were the days where I was certain I would have no future, since I never knew when I would be without a home. I did what I had to do to survive that, and somehow I made it. There were very bad days.

It wasn't until a few years before he passed that I learned how most of the people who outed me in my hometown were friends of my stepfather. He had exposed me all those years, even as a child to the dangers of hate. The same hate I live with. I would move away, if I could. It's just not possible for a while. Hate and pain -I thought would dissolve though attrition, but it didn't. I have to leave it behind. What purpose that can past would serve. It's like an old scar, sometimes it's sensitive when you touch it. When I started the slow process of my transition, it opened up those old wounds. I would gladly trade those old scars for new happy experiences. I have a new life, and it's just starting. Perhaps like a mourning phase, those old memories come back up to the surface. Being helpless, and my freedom taken away. Replace them with new happy truths, and experiences knowing that I can have total freedom. It is in my power to get it.

[Charlize]

I don't have the wisdom to offer a solution that can remove past events or at least make them easier to live with. I also carry scars but the worst of them wasn't caused by abuse. I lost a 13 year old son in an accident 17 years ago. I can still return to the events of that moment and the week that followed as if it was yesterday or even worse today. It comes back to hurt me at unpredictable times and will always be a part of my life. Time has made it better and i've also learned to open up and share with others. You did that here. Perhaps some day you will find a way to use your experiences to benefit others. If we can do that perhaps it helps to make them seem to have a purpose. Give it time and try to find whatever forgiveness you can. That might help as well even if it seems impossible today.

Hugs and a shoulder,

Charlize

[Guest Mia J]

Give time a chance Dana and you will be able to start putting that away. He is no longer on this world to cause you further harm and know that he has had to face his judges for the abuse he caused in this life to your family.

Yours is such a common story of a dominating possessive male who controls and isolates those under his control. I don't understand why a human would have to be like that. The important thing at this point is that he is gone and you can start to rebuild. At least everyone is alive.

Mia

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Dana,

I can easily empathize, and relate to your problems. I had similar experiences a long time ago, and I still find it hard to tell about them. I have scars, most of them mental fortunately, and the physical ones have faded. Now that I am not using my self created facade of being the fearless violent "Viking", I am more cautious in my travels. Idaho is on my list of places, not to go. It is a long list. I too am starting a new life, and truthfully I am thankful to have made it so far. It is not easy. I have permanently left my birth place, where I grew up, so that I can have a new life. I chose the safest place I could think of: California, and I now know it was a good choice. Continue with your plans to move. I think it will make things so much better for you.

Hugs,

Stephanie