Just Getting Started

[Guest Beverly]

I like to wear women's clothes. There. I've said it. Its been nearly 30 years since I said those words. Seems I always have enjoyed it. There has been only rare occasions whereas I could lounge comfortably while dressed. It has been nearly 40 years since I really owned any articles (for longer than a weekend...)

Recently my feminine thoughts had come to the forefront, and in an attempt to discuss them with my wife, I heard: embarrassment; humiliation, and inadequacy. All terms I've read come with this conversation. I'm in a profession where I cannot in any way 'come out' - it would mean the end of 12 years of schooling and a calling to what I love to do. I was recently talking to someone about the Bruce Jenner news going around, and my wife heard my discussion. Then I heard the word hypocrite. She's a very forgiving and understanding wife; I cannot think of a life without her. The other night she was painting her nails, and asked my opinion. I said I liked it. She then remarked "would you like me to do yours?" After giving her a weird sort of look, she said 'hey, I've got to deal with this about you somehow, don't I?' We laughed together, but I wanted deep down to say "YES!! I would like mine done!" But I didn't dare say anything.

Question: can I pursue these feelings and desires (I believe it more than mere fantasy), and remain at my profession/marriage/family/etc? My heart is telling me yes, I can, and its not lying to myself. This is who I am - inside. Can one keep such a...mindset(?) while continuing living a good life? And, am I doing a good job just giving her some time to run this through her mind? (btw, I had told her about this before we got married 15 years ago...but the desires to act upon dressing was seemingly subdued for a long time... she now is beginning to come to grips that I may always have these feelings.)

[Guest Beverly]

After reading several more postings, how might I change my name as it appears? Just thinking I'd love to use something more feminine, like 'Beverly '?

[MaryEllen]

With a wave of my magic wand, it is done.

[Carolyn Marie]

Beverly, almost anything is possible, and there are many options on the table. One does not necessarily need to socially or physically transition to be happy. Being transgender isn't a choice, but deciding what to do about it, for many people, IS a choice. I know of trans folk who went all the way through GRS and FFS without socially transitioning. I know of people who socially transitioned without HRT or GRS. And I know of folks in between, who are cross dressers and who go out as their female selves and are in male mode at work and among friends and family.

What you decide to do is up to you, and I would include your wife in those decisions. If you can, I would seek out an experienced gender therapist to help you with all of this. But you are welcome to continue asking us for our advice and experiences. We have a lot to offer, although none of us are professional therapists (that I know of).

There are those who would die if they could not transition, socially and physically. But based on what I have seen and heard in 6 years of being around this community, there are just as many who have found another way that works for them.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Razilee]

I've never been married, but from observation I know lack of communication has killed many of marriages. It sounds to me that she was trying to make an effort. Perhaps you should restart the conversation, tell her your feelings like you did here. If you keep trying to work this out together it could strengthen your marriage. It certainly will challenge it, if it's been repressed for so long.

Just a suggestion. God bless you both,

Raz

[Guest Beverly]

Thanks so much! I know I'll stick around for a while, been reading a lot and not just learning, but having a bit of fun too!

And thank you so much MaryEllen!!!!!!

[Guest]

Beverly, welcome to the Playground. With regard to whether one can live both live so to speak, the answer is yes, but there are obviously limits.

My ciswoman wife knew of my my gender issues before we married but I just couldn't handle the whole thing. I did the typical secret binge/purge thing for around 27 years of our 29 year of marriage. I finally broke down and realized I couldn't fight it anymore.

It started out slow, we shopped together and bought pretty nightgowns and everyday clothing and undies everything a woman would buy. I'm underdressed with panties and a bra everyday while outside of the house, yes even at work. I also wear small breast forms while out when not at work or around friends. While home, I'm darn neaer fully dressed, meaning everything but wig and makeup. I save the wig and makeup for when we will be home for the day and it's early enough to justify the time expense.

Dressing has removed a lot of problems in my life. I am no longer angry all the time and am far more pleasant to be around. My OCD has diminished and bringing my wife into the secret side of my life has made her so very happy. I started gender therapy in January 2015 and between that, Laura's and the ability to express myself as I feel more comfortable, life is so much better for the both of us.

Had I known my life would actually get better, I wouldn't have fought it all my life. I'm an electrical engineer and design equipment for several industries including the US military, so I know what you mean about job issues. I don't think I'd ever be able to transition and keep this job that I really love.

You have to decide what you need and how to justify any visible changes while in male-mode. It's actually not that difficult when you put your mind to it.

Good luck, sweetie, and keep us informed as to how all is going.

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Fiona mentioned anger. ANGER. Yes. I... don't even know where to start with that. The simplest thing to say is that in the past month or so of acceptance, which at this point has meant only coming out to myself and my wife, the anger has been subdued. At times, completely absent, just melted away into a buttery feeling of being alive and being right with myself. At other times, the anger returns, but I see it more clearly, and it no longer has such a hold on me, nor does it express itself in misdirected ways. I also believe that this anger was/is turned inward so habitually that it manifested as a depression that monochromed my life as a teenager and that I've struggled with throughout my adulthood.

Now as far as marriage, my wife has been very supportive, but this is difficult for her, too. She's attracted to me as a man, and that impacts my transition. Living full time as a woman? That's not on the table right now, and that's not just about her. I don't want to. As I've written repeatedly in these forums, it's important for me to actively and slowly transition; also, I don't have a clear image as to what "post-transition" me looks like. And that's okay; I think I prefer it. How can I know who I am and what she looks like? The signals that I've picked up from society and internalized and that I've been steadily dieting on for thirtysome years don't hold a clear picture of who someone like me is. In mainstream images, MTF trans spectrum people like me are portrayed as cartoons--imitators of women. And there's a psychopathology aspect to that cartoon. It's such a deep current in our culture as to be a bone-deep infection. That's a scary place to try to claw your way out of.

Sorry, all that's pretty grim, I guess. But there's a positive side to this. At least two that I can think of right now, actually. The first BIG HUGE PLUS is that I get to be me. For like the first time ever. And as I go about being me in the world--doing things like being more friendly, smiling more, accessorizing with bracelets and extra rings, wearing feminine MALE clothes in public, and generally presenting in a more androgynous and genuine fashion--I become more comfortable. I connect more with the people I want to connect with and, just maybe, keep the people I don't want to connect with at bay by the subtle cues of my presentation. The SECOND BIG HUGE PLUS is that we are living in a time where trans people are increasingly visible. If you, like me, are interested in the variety of ways trans people explore and express their identities, there are role models, activists, and writers out there for us to see. Some might serve as guides or inspirations. (I'm not going list a bunch of names and books here, but if anyone wants to PM me about this, PLEASE DO!) This site is also an incredible resource. Read, post, think. It's empowering just to see the variety of folks here and how they are living.

Welcome, Beverly. May you find some peace and some power. Your wife, too. Oh, I also want to reinforce what Razilee said: TALK TO HER. I know it's difficult, believe me. It's awkward. It's weird and uncomfortable for both of you. Humor helps. I've also found that confidence and self-acceptance helps. My wife has her own struggles, but sometimes her doubts parallel or are pretty much the same as mine. So honest talking and sharing of your own self-reflection and ideas, doubts, and questions, can be really helpful to your relationship--not only keeping it healthy, but actually making it stronger.

[Guest Raya]

"A depression that monochromed my life"

Wow. That's exactly it.

Charlotte, I love your writing.

Here's to just getting started on a life in living color!

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Charlotte, I love your writing.

Thanks! I appreciate that.

[gennee]

Hi Beverly and welcome to Laura's. I came out ten years ago at age 56. I'm 66 and have never been happier. It took time for my wife to accept that I'm transgender but now she does. We will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary on Mother's Day.

[Guest]

Exchanging gifts on Mother's Day mom to mom might be appealing. I get tears of joy when my kids give me presents on that day and a sigh of relief when no family gifts come for me on Father's Day.

If she is really hip, maybe some thrift store shopping for both of you. She can creatively dress herself from the men's section and you from the ladies section. Take a weekend trip out of town and have a gender swap date.

If you bump into anyone you know, tell them a marriage enrichment counsellor suggested a role reversal to spice up your life! Giggle.

Happy discoveries. Hug. JodyAnn