I dont pass and other stuff

[Guest Alexx21]

i dont think i pass very well am not thin i have big chest and only one binder  i cant wear it all the time as sometimes it gets very sweaty and need to bed cleaned 

because of this i dont wear anything under my clothes apart from bras when i want to pass as female but of late i have wanted to be more male than anything else 

i cant get mens clothes that fits me because of my size and i have  no money to get any  

My husband says i look ok  am in the middle  but i dont think he get it at all 

Today i have a vest top on and hoddle with hides most of my chest , i have jogging bottoms  my hair is kinda long but its pulled  back into a pony tail 

unsure weather i should have my hair cut  but every time t i talk about my hair my husband says  we  have to wait until we have the money 

am getting sick of myself not looking the way i want to look  also the LGBT drop in av been going to has lost funding so there isnt a group on every week  its like one maybe twice a month and there is a trans groups thats on once a month  the people there are at different stages

I am at the start and have been at the start for many years i should have progressed  by now  but my body being the wrong shape and the fact av been going back and forward with weather am trans or not my confidence is bad and my husband says  i put myself down all the time   i dont mean  to do it but i dont think am worth very much as all av done with my life is marry my husband  only good thing i have i dont have kids am not a dr or nurse  i  dont work due to the fact i have mental health problems  and ill never do anything that is  beneficial to the world  am a waste of space well mostly that how i feel about myself 

I have other groups that i go to with the church where there are trans people there  one of the minsters there is trans and there are other people who are  

the church  am with is LGBT  friendly and i like it there

I have gotten to know people there  one women i get on with a lot  she has same kind mental health stuff going on for her

My husband came  come with me to theses groups and that i feel safe there 

 

[MaryEllen]

You know, Alexx. Sometimes I wonder if I'm passing or not but I look at it this way. I know that I'm a woman. I don't give a rat's butt what other people see or think. I'm not living my life for them. Only for myself.  Don't worry about how you look on the outside. It's what's on the inside that counts. Lots of men have long hair. Even many of the macho ones so don't let your long hair get you down. Even Jesus had long hair as an example.

Do any of your husbands clothes fit you? Perhaps he would be willing to share.

Keep going to the group meetings whenever and wherever you can. If it makes you feel better, make an effort to do so. Keep yourself busy so you won't have time to think about your troubles. Sitting idle and brooding about your troubles is the worse thing you can do. Your husband is right. You need to stop putting yourself down. You're a worthwhile human being who is just as good as anybody else on this planet. You need to keep that in mind.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Dakota16]

Hello, Alexx!

I'm dealing with a similar struggle. At this point in my transition to Dakota, I'm not passable as a woman. I have women's clothes, a pair of shoes, breastforms that I wear as much as I can, I'm letting my hair grow out, and I've just added those wide elastic headbands to cover up a receding hairline up front. From the neck down, I see Dakota easily and smile every time. But once I pan up and include my face, the smile fades. My facial features give it away. And then there's my voice to deal with on top of that. So when I get home from work and switch into Dakota, I always ended up reverting back to guy mode if I needed to do anything that involved a public setting. I need to learn makeup to make myself more passable, but money is very tight so I'm having to go without it. I've stalled out and have grown frustrated.

But then I stumbled on a YouTube video by Sona Avedian that tells the incredible story of her transition. A series of text slides toward the end grabbed my attention. It read "This is NOT about 'Passing'...It never was!!! It's about something YOU can Control. It's about being YOU no matter what society thinks! And that IS beautiful!"

It got me thinking about some things, especially my home life. Those slides were right. I'm not transitioning to make this body passable as the woman I am. I'm doing it so I can actually be the woman I am right now. It'd be nice to have all my ducks in a row and have my body much closer to matching how I feel, absolutely. I'm a woman in a male body. I'm Dakota, and nothing can take that away from me. So why am I going back into my male shell when I head out into public? The disapproving glances and expressions from others? The mean and hateful words of others who don't know a single thing about me? I can't control what others think of me or how they react to seeing me. Although it is a goal to be passable, I can still go out as female even if I'm maybe 80% happy with how I look now. I'm not out to earn the approval of others, but I am looking to vastly improve accepting myself.

So I've stayed my true self out in public a few times in the past week or so. Each time (either good or not so good) I feel better about what I'm doing and more confident being out there as the person I'm meant to be. Should it affect decisions like when do I start living as a woman full-time? Do I change the timeline I have in my head for that goal? That's still for me to decide. But each time I step into Dakota after work I'm reminded that I'm doing what I want. I'm much more comfortable as a woman. I'm heading down a path of my own choosing. Society has no right to influence what I do.

Be you! You have help and that's an awesome thing! Don't let your own frustrations interfere with your plans. You'll get there before you know it!

Sorry for the long post (I know, what's new about that Dakota?), but thought it might be relevant.

[Guest Alexx21]

thank you both for replying to me 

I have always worried what others  think of me , when i was young i was bullied a lot people would have a go at me for my weight , since school i have  been worried about peoples motives in why they say the things they say i have had people being ok with me one sec and then them showing there true colors and being very nasty to me the next they only person i truly trust is my husband he says he loves me for me the bad and the good he stuck around with me for nearly 11 years ( 10 year anniversary  next year ) 

my husbands clothes are one size too  small  and he is taller than me  we share jogging bottoms  but not jeans we aslo share t shirts...I only have one binder and its not so tight  anymore as it use to be ...kinda need a new one but its so much money for them 

everything comes down to money ... i have two pairs of jeans  but they look female ... maybe am being picky