Jump to content
DrumbeatAlex

Gendering Yourself

Recommended Posts

DrumbeatAlex

Hey,

I referred to myself as a "she"  the other day during conversation and am wondering if that likely means anything. Am I over thinking the whole gender thing and actually just see myself as a she, or is it more likely just because of social conditioning (and not being able to be out yet/knowing the person I was talking to saw me as a she). Have you ever unconsciously gendered yourself as your "assigned" (at birth) gender? I'm not sure if it was fully unconscious or not..I noticed right after I said it at least..Maybe it doesn't mean much and I'm just making a big deal. ;P 

there are so many things I could be writing here about me second guessing and questioning myself. I don't describe myself as "a man" but "woman" seems an odd fit too..but maybe just coz I'm other thinking. Gah, I think I may seriously need a gender therapist..though I may not be able to talk to them super openly coz I don't like talking to people in person. :/ 
I think I'm going to send a few emails looking into it once I post this.

It'd be nice if there was a "this is a normal (within a range) thing. this is abnormal" type forum (not on here but just in life). Because you learn to just live with how you feel and I often just assume it's normal when it sometimes isn't.
eg. Do other people who don't like dresses feel bulky, ugly and fake in them or do they just not like being unable to climb ladders? Who knows?! :P 

Anyway, this was a bit of a random post. Not sure if it belongs in this section or not, but it is just a lot of self-questioning so hey. ;)

I also started a gender related journal yesterday, so yup. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

It is a good place to put it. Question, do you think a cis person would describe their relation to their birth sex as odd? 

Also, if you want to write things down for the session with the therapist. They should be ok with it. I mean they know you might be nervous, and sometimes in that nervousness you'd forget something important.

BTW--I've come to a conclusion about the two most useless words in the Universe: Normal and impossible.. Nothing is impossible (just highly unlikely) and there is no such thing as normal.

Share this post


Link to post
Charlize

  I didn't transition until i was in my 60's.  That is a lot of time to live as one's birth gender and the conditioning at that point was certainly strong.  5 years after living full time as myself, post surgery and with a different dominate hormone, i still think or say he at times.  I think that is normal.

  By the way a young man, who i've known since boy scouts, told me what his grandfather had said when we were discussing my being "abnormal".  "Normality is a subjective measuring stick". ( he had owned a lumber yard)  Here at Laura's i'm far from abnormal.  Almost anyone who isn't me i could look at as being abnormal or visa versa.  The divisions that definition can cause are painful both to us and to others.  Perhaps different is better and less judgmental?

  It took me a good bit of time but today i'm learning to accept and embrace myself as a reflection of both genders.  Maybe two is better than one.  I am sure that it is as good.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

  

 

Share this post


Link to post
JBfox

 I'm still pre-transition, but I've been tussling with what being transgender is and means for two years now. Even as I've settled to accept that yes, I am transgender, this is my life, and I'm going to go through with this; I find that pronouns are still something I am not one top of. While at my support groups I tell them I'm impartial to them. Use whatever you like.

 I don't necessarily think it's self doubt when you misgender yourself. I think it just has to do with where you're at, and what you've been doing. For myself, the impartialness of it comes from that fact I'm still pre-transition. Though I'm MtF/AMAB right now I'm still in guy mode. People see a guy when they see me. I don't expect people to get it right. Pronouns just don't bother me enough to struggle with them.

Share this post


Link to post
CyndiRae

Secret to more happiness, simply care less about gendered words. 

I've transitioned, and there was a time early on in the process where I put way too much emphasis on gendered words and getting them right and all that, OMG, painful, and for what ?

I do try and gender myself correctly when constructing language to describe myself, and really do prefer female words, but really, I am far better off, just not giving a rip...

Relax, communicate, enjoy life more...

Cyndi -

Share this post


Link to post
Timber Wolf

I've spent so many years living as my assigned sex, it's become so habitual to refer to myself as he or him, that sometimes I misgender myself for that reson. I suspect it's pretty common.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

I misname myself at times too, its one of the habit things. For example, I play X-wing with one of my friends and she is female, but on occasion a it's "his" turn comes out because of just habit--most people I've played with previously are guys. 

Share this post


Link to post
Jani423

At first I used to think of myself in my old gender and name when I first started this journey in earnest and I thought if I can't convince myself how can I convince others?  But it takes time.  As others have said you've lived as your birth self for quite some time.   Its second nature for me now to think of myself in the female gender.  It will come.  Don't beat yourself up over it. 

Jani

Share this post


Link to post
DrumbeatAlex

Marcie, lol probably not. but then again I really have no idea what other people experience.
mm writing things down is a good idea. I emailed the therapy place and they said they do have gender experienced therapists, which is nice. :)
and that's interesting and understandable about the X-wing. thanks. :) 


You're right about the normal (and the impossible)(both Marcie and Charlie). I didn't mean to offend anyone with the use of "normal", it is a very subjective word and can be taken offensively so it wasn't the best word to use, sorry. I meant simply it would be useful to view/understand a number of different people's experiences so that I could know who shares mine, who doesn't and perhaps get a better understanding of who I am (though of course I would share different things with each person and something with everyone). 

Thanks CyndiRae. Good advice.

Thanks Jani, I'll try not to.

Thankyou everyone for the responses! I really appreciate hearing your stories and words of wisdom. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

I get the whole normal thing, I feel like the English language makes me do linguistic back flips when I avoid using that word.

Share this post


Link to post
Ravin

Habit and conditioning can do a lot to muck with your head. Reprogramming our brains to undo years of habit takes time.

The only person in my life who never messes up my pronouns (and I include myself in this count) is my 6 year old son. This is because he never had to switch. I was "he" and "him" by the time he learned to talk.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Clara84

I am in the beginning of my journey and of course I still misgender myself sometimes. It takes time for other people to switch pronouns and we also need some time for switching for yourself. Just don't care about that, it will come naturally

Share this post


Link to post
ChickenLittle

I changed my name legally from a very feminine name to a gender-neutral one before I even realized I'm trans, and I struggled with misnaming myself out loud and in my thoughts for a while. But now when I hear my old name it doesn't even register as something to pay attention to. Misnaming/misgendering yourself is totally normal and doesn't have any bearing on your identity! Now I feel as if my name has always been the way it is now, and even in my memories I think of myself as Kendall instead of as my old name. 

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

Well I don't answer to my dead name, though on rare occasion I still call myself that. Now though when people say it, I think they are asking my supervisor something. They usually are. :)

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 17 Guests (See full list)

    • amanda is cute MK3
    • Kenna Dixon
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Rachel Gia
    • MaryMary
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Posts

    • amanda is cute MK3
      very tired but good glade to be home.  saw michelle yesterday for coffee it was nice.   she has a weird sense of humor she got off work this morning she works nights.  bruising is going down so is swelling. it sucks being this tired lol     amanda 
    • Rachel Gia
      I did not read the whole thing because I have issues with reading but the part i did read sounds like your partner has debting issues which is not something any kind of pleading can solve. Its also probably the most common addiction going on in North America right now so its could be considered normal. I still have issues with my finances but went to Debtors Anon. and got some skills and tools , one of which is a charge card and not a credit card. I have to pay it off every month so I can't over spend. I hope I an not overstepping here but part of the reasons behind racking of credit cards et al is it is a way of escaping and dealing with hard to handle emotions.   I only quoted a few of the signs so's not to clutter up the post.   4) Compulsive shopping: Being unable to pass up a “good deal”; making impulsive purchases; leaving price tags on clothes so they can be returned; not using items you’ve purchased. 5) Difficulty in meeting basic financial or personal obligations, and/or an inordinate sense of accomplishment when such obligations are met. 6) A different feeling when buying things on credit than when paying cash, a feeling of being in the club, of being accepted, of being grown up. 12). A feeling or hope that someone will take care of you if necessary, so that you won’t really get into serious financial trouble, that there will always be someone you can turn to.
    • Timber Wolf
      Happy Birthday Alice!🎂 Hope you have a wonderful day!   Lots of love, Timber Wolf🐾
    • Cindy Truheart
        Because she didn't leave me right away when I came out to her, I swore that I'd stay forever. Even when I told her that I'm not attracted to women, I was still willing to be married to her, to be a partner with her, for the rest of our lives. But without the physical aspects of a relationship, she doesn't believe that we have a relationship. So she told me that as far as she was concerned, the marriage was over. I agreed with what she wanted. But now I feel like, if the marriage is over, why am I still here putting up with this? Luckily she's found a guy online that she's been talking to lately and is going on a date next week. Thank the Powers Above and Below!! It has improved her mood substantially!   Oh, and our rent is $1400 because we live in the north Denver area. But if you really want to have your jaw hit the floor then I can tell you about what our mortgage payment was back in NC... $375 a month (no I didn't miss a digit), for a three bedroom, 1100 sq ft home, 1/3 acre of land, with a full basement, in the city limits. As we like to say, the rent in Hell is really cheap!   I see a therapist weekly, although we are getting to the point that I probably don't need to go every week. However, I've never been able to get my ex/roommate to go to counseling. She wouldn't go alone, she wouldn't go to a support group, she wouldn't go to couples counseling, she refused to do any of it. It was as if she unplugged from reality and refused to acknowledge that I was transitioning until recently. Now she talks as if who I was died and I'm someone completely different. Fine by me. I just wish she would hurry up and move on already then.   But I guess you could say that the worst part about it all is that I can't seem to find anyone to talk to. My ex/roommate doesn't obviously doesn't understand, I've got a co-worker who is Bi, but she doesn't understand. And hell, I can't even find another trans woman who has been in my position, or even one close to it. At least not anyone nearby that I could go have coffee with so we could talk. All the trans people I know around here are either retirement age or in their twenties! Or we have absolutely NOTHING in common past the fact that we're both trans. There's just too much of an age gap, too much of a generational distance, and not enough commonality to make for a friendship. So I end up coming on here or FB and pouring my heart out only to either be completely misunderstood, or dismissed, or patronized, or ignored. I end up feeling bad because it seems like I'm wasting everyone's time.   But, whatever. Par for the course I suppose.   ....funny thing is, when I finally realized that I'm trans two years ago, I was SO HAPPY! Because I finally realized that I wasn't alone. I wasn't so different from everyone else. There were people out there who were like me. My first support group was magical. I wanted to get to know everyone and to find friends that I had a bunch of stuff in common with. Instead, despite being part of the trans community, more and more I feel separate from it. The people I've met with similar interests, want nothing to do with me. The people that I enjoy being around and I think are really cool, want nothing to do with me. You know who does want to be with me? My ex/roommate who would like nothing more than for me to go back to who I was. My cis co-worker who is fine with being my friend that she can complain to about her life but doesn't have the time for me. And men who only want me for an evening. So, that is my life. It is what it is. And it's all mine. Bitter loneliness. Never ending isolation. An eternity of being misunderstood despite the fact that I finally know who I am. ....I guess I do need to keep seeing that therapist.
    • Rachel Gia
      Hi Clara, I am single mom as well but my kids love me and I have a family is the trans and gay community in Vancouver now. It a place we "get" each other without explanation. I need to do trans chic stuff for a bit but will be around to look at the computer. You can call me Gia if you like as its my middle name. Gia
    • Gwen
      Rachel, I'm so happy you've made progress in this area, and it was nice to hear from someone who has similar issues. I've had mood issues for decades and I'm very anxious to see how HRT tweaks my chemistry. It should be an interesting spring. I also plan to adopt your electrologist's "First Hot Mess" diagnosis. I'm sure I will have one in the future   Gwen
    • Clara84
        Hi Yes this letter warmed my heart, really.   Those passive aggressive comments are really sad and it hurts... I don't have much hope about the future with her. She's so obtuse on some points.. it would be hard.   Thank you for your greetings... but I feel like I don't have anymore family. I am just a single mom. Love   Clara    P.S. Rachel is also my wife's first name   
    • Rachel Gia
      Hi Clara, I am so happy to hear the news about you and your children being together! I also loved how the court document stated That must have warmed your heart! It warmed mine:) My ex-wife seems to having issues with the past and I get the feeling I will be on the other end of passive aggressive comments for a while yet. I hope your wife can find some help beyond the meetings with your marriage counsellor. Isolation is bad medicine and as she needs to meet you and your children somewhere in the middle. Much Love to you and your family Rachel Vancouver BC  
    • Rachel Gia
      Hi , I am one of the odd ones here as I found my moods stabilized on hormones and the possibility that they would become more up and down on E and T blockers was a major concern before starting. After getting clean and sober I have been working to stabilize my moods for a number of years and throwing another thing into my system that might cause further swings was a major concern. Thankfully I posted on this forum and talked at my trans support group regarding these concerns and then proceeded. I am a little different as I was almost incapable of crying but in the last year I have been making progress and I believe that is in part thanks to HRT and also thanks to the other part of transitioning which for me has been letting people into my truth about my dysphoria and being transgender. I became quite inwardly emotional recently about some private stuff and later that night was informed by my electrologist that I had had my "First Hot Mess!". We laughed and I said "Wow , that was great!". That was after 17 months of hormones. I really think its different for each person and the posts on this forum really helped with me proceeding and continue to do so. Rachel
    • Rachel Gia
      I have not posted not posted on this thread up till now as the answers are in the thread but when all else failed I followed the directions in the box to the letter and have had no issues since doing so. I press an hold for 15 seconds rather than 10. Tight clothing will peel them off. ie Spanx leggings. As said above Arms and legs did not work as the muscles flex too much.
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alice
      Alice
      (28 years old)
  • Upcoming Events

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      64,847
    • Total Posts
      587,077
  • TransPulse Partners

×