Hello - confused & need to talk

[Amy P]

Hi.

This is the first time I have signed up to any forums and I think this shows that my gender identity confusion has reached a new level. I am 55, genetically male, straight, have been a lifelong crossdresser and I have struggled with my gender identity all my life. I came from a stable family but with emotionally repressive parents. My father was undemonstrative and my mother overbearing. I didn't feel there was anyone I could talk to, (this is long before the internet and smartphones!) so I just bottled everything up and carried on. I was quite a pretty boy, but that didn't last past puberty, and I am incredibly envious of all feminine men - oh to have thin hands, fingers and a small nose and big eyes.  With two brothers I never had much access to girls toys and games so didn't show any real preference for these but as I got older I always favoured thoughtful female company and developed an intense dislike of macho male culture. Women who I have never met before have assumed I must be gay - but I'm really not your typical gay guy (apologies for any generalisations).  I love looking at pretty women - but as much as I might lust after them I yearn to be them too.

Whilst at university, instead of celebrating escaping the grip of my patents and discovering my true self, I suffered night time panic attacks and low self confidence. I have contemplated suicide (and sometimes still do) but I guess I just don't care enough about anything to go through with it.  I now look back at what a missed opportunity university was. I moved in with a woman (who became my first wife) who inevitably caught me cross dressed when she returned from work unexpectedly - awkward. After much soul searching she accepted who I am and didn't have any problems with me wearing women's clothing around the house (what a luxury that was!).  I went for a consultation at a gender identity clinic as I had heard of GRS but they said that if I was happy with my new relationship dynamic I should probably stick with that. She eventually fell in love with someone else and another opportunity for self discovery passed me by as I quickly met my now second wife. I told her from the start that I was a CD and she said that was OK as long as she didn't have any involvement in it and was still the only woman in our relationship.

Unfortunately as time has gone on I'm not sure she is the only women involved anymore (excluding our six year old daughter) as the yearning to be more feminine has grown in me. I have been subtly removing some body hair (particularly my breasts).  My wife changed her contraceptive pill but still had many months of the old prescription lying around so I appropriated these and decided with much excitement to start taking them. They have all gone now and I have only experienced a little fat redistribution, less strong erections and smaller testicles, and some other interesting physiological changes when stopping and starting. This has only made me want stronger hormones but my problem is that to do so would be the point of no return. I am convinced that my wife would leave me (in all honesty our relationship isn't that great anyway).  All my financial assets are tied up in the house which she would most likely get to keep along with me having to pay child support from my modest salary whilst having to pay to rent - leaving no money for any transition!

I'm seriously considering DIY hormone therapy and I don't care about the risks or infertility - I just want to be more female and I can't contemplate just treading water like I have done my whole life waiting for something to change when it never does. Sorry for the essay I just wanted to get it all out to someone, and if anyone has any words of wisdom for me having read this, I would be most grateful to hear them.

Hugs

[VickySGV]

Welcome to The Playground Amy

12 minutes ago, Amy P said:

I came from a stable family but with emotionally repressive parents. My father was undemonstrative and my mother overbearing.

People used to blame our being Gender Dysphoric on this type of family situation, but the evidence today is that we would have had GD even with the most open and accepting parents there are in the world. (I have met families where this is true.)  The important part was that you could not talk to them about your feelings and I hope that if your daughter ever has either gender or sexual orientation feelings that you would be open and accepting to her

PLEASE, Please, please!! do not even attempt the route of DIY medication with Hormones.  Even with full medical supervision and frequent lab work on the levels, I developed a life threatening blood clot after 6 years on them.  Other members here have also had near tragic experiences with DIY HRT and will echo my plea to you.  We are not allowed to discuss hormone dosages here, that is to be discussed ONLY with your medical provider, and possibly pharmacist or apothecary who sell and know the drugs.  Be honest with your doctor about ALL medications, and then trust them.  Get yourself into a Gender Therapy program and get busy facing the future with their help.  I am old enough to have been your babysitter and know that age will not stop your being able to reach out and find your True Self.

Again, welcome and enjoy your time here.

 

[Ravin]

Welcome to Laura's! You are in a tough spot, aren't you?

I strongly recommend seeing a doctor. Your medical stuff is not something you need to share with your wife, but you are potentially putting yourself in danger by self-medicating. A counselor and proper medical therapy could both be helpful to you.

I also suggest talking to a solicitor, so that you have a realistic idea of what you would be facing if/when you and your wife split. You have made some assumptions that aren't necessarily the case, particularly with respect to your home and your daughter. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amy,

Welcome to Laura's! I'm glad you found us. We are a caring and understanding bunch who support eachother on our journey's. Some of us are on fast paced journey's, while others are on a slower paced journey. But none of us are taking this journey alone, and you no longer need to take yours alone.

 

I'm in a simular financial situation as you, in that when I look at my financial picture I see no route to being able to afford any medical transition. Sometimes I cry thinking about it. I know the desire to change my body to be what it's supposed to be as much as possible, and I know the pain and feelings of hopelessness caused by the limitations I face. But having found Laura's, I've found I'm not alone. I've found I have friends here who understand and care. That has made a huge difference. I no longer feel so alone and hopeless. No, I can't afford HRT or surgeries. So I look for other ways to advance on my journey. And I've learned to take it one day at a time. I just don't know what the future holds. Things may change and I might be able to start HRT one day.

 

I have decided that self medicating and DIY HRT is just not worth the risks. If I die, I'll never be able to be the girl I am. Even with the pain, living my journey and being more myself is so liberating. I don't want to miss that. 

 

One day at a time! Let tomorrow worry about itself.

It sounds like your first gender therapist didn't work out so well for you. Try another. Find one that does work.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's Amy!

Hugs,

Marcie

[Amy P]

Thank you all so much for the welcome and wise words. I'm sure I'm going to feel at home here and have already had a look at some of the other forums which can see will be really helpful. I'll probably take up Ravin's advice of talking to a solicitor - just in case things happen quicker than expected. Finding time for therapy that doesn't draw the attention from my boss or wife will be difficult though.

Thanks again

[Charlize]

Welcome Amy.  You have definitely had some good advice already.  I know that when i transitioned i thought i would loose my wife.  Perhaps if we had been younger that may have happened but i was already 63 so the bedroom wasn't as important as it once was.  We have actually grown much closer.  I say this only because i know it can happen.  It took time and tenderness for us to work through the issues but don't loose all hope.  My therapist was able to help with our relationship as well.

Please don't try to self medicate!  It is very dangerous and mayl not get you decent results either.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi Amy, welcome to Laura's!

Others have already said everything that I would say, so I will say this instead. Coming to terms with who you are is a journey. I like to think of it as our own personal epic tale. Each of us has our own story and each of us has our own obstacles to overcome. Sometimes our story is similar to other's stories, sometimes our story is very different. But all of our stories share some common things and those common experiences unite us as a community. Here you will find support, understanding, and love. <3

[tracy_j]

Hi Amy

Welcome

Others have explained things well so there is little I can add, except for my experiences. I am not taking hormones or contemplating surgery in the near future. Even so, I spend 95% of time dressed as a woman and except for legal issues and similar (banking etc), I live as such. My partner was intially not happy at all but now is generally accepting, and more like a girlfriend. It takes time and understanding, of your environment and people around you. It will time them time too. Time brings confidence, and that changes a lot. There are others here in varying circumstances. There is not one defined route or destination.

Tracy

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Amy

Men who start out cross dressing generally are not gay men they are anything but. They begin as straight heterosexuals.  You grew up in the 1960's where parents acted  straight laced,  Where they knew absolutely nothing about transgendered people. And often feared we were gay and mentally ill.  

My own parents knew I expressed the wish to be female,but shut me down anyway.  My pediatrician a Harvard trained doctor also knew nothing.  I pleaded with him to fix me.  He told me only an   Act of God could change me.  That was the 1960's.  Back then you only really had two choices if you were transgendered,  Suicide or suppressing your feelings by burying yourself in masculine professions.  I did the Army, then law enforcement.  Then  I could tell myself. only a real men work in these professions.  But God was I miserable playing the game,denying my feminine side.  When I reached age 55 the dysphoria exploded inside of me.  I had to do something.  I started out here on Laura's,like you.  I talked first to a doctor I worked with who specialized in treating  LGBT patients. and she would have been excellent, but my labs would have been handled by people in my department and that would have outed me sooner than I was ready for.

So I reached out to   my GP and he was wonderful.  I also started seeing a gender therapist.  She certified that I was suffering from Gender Dysphoria from being transgender.  My doctor started me on hormones three months later and monitored me.  I then began with the help of my therapist to start transitioning.  I  am 62 years old.  I am a full time woman 24/7  enjoying life.  I did lose my job with the University,but found another 6 weeks later.  I've completed all the surgeries.in 2013 and 2014.

But losing my job also cost me my excellent doctor.  I had to move a 125 miles.  I had a lousy new physician,,my fault who did not pay attention to my hormone levels.  And two strokes later at age 60 Left me disabled.  So hormones are dangerous,  Don't self medicate because even having a doctor prescribing hormones is no guarantee of complete safety or success with them.  Your gender therapist can help with a spouses anger and explain that transitioning  is not a choice.  Feeling suicidal  is common in transgendered people is why we have a suicide rate over 50 %.  So dont put off seeing someone.  Amy,you live in the UK, a country that covers the cost of transitioning and surgeries along with hormones.  So even if you get beat up in a divorce.  Your country helps trans people. 

I met a lady from your country who was transitioning and decided to pay for feminine facial surgery.herself. We both went to Mexico where we met  and had FFS surgery and I got breast augmentation But she got her   Gender Confirmation Surgery at Cherring Cross Hospital and she lives full time now..  I hope my post helps to guide you on the correct path.  .

Hugs
 

 

[Amy P]

Thank you everybody - I will try to be strong but I'm actually so scared of moving forward. 

I think I will try and find ways of being more feminine without pushing things too far (maybe more androgenous clothes or even hair removal - (I hate having to shave - I didn't need to until quite late) anything that thins out facial hair would make me feel better but it appears really expensive and even though I work I'm broke - only wage earner).  I've been practicing walking 'softer' with a little more hip action (feels really nice with some soft panties on) and even tried some DIY voice therapy on my own in the car (seems like a great place to practice - anyone looking on just assumes you are singing along to something)!

Hugs

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amy,

There is no rush. Let your pace follow what's comfortable for you. Take this time to get to know yourself better. I started out really scared myself. But believe it or not, you've already taken the scariest step. You've begun accepting yourself and come out to us. In other words, you got the ball rolling. And that's fantastic!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Clara84]

Hello Amy

Sure you can beginning transitioning without medical assistance, involving new clothes, hair removal, make-up. But PLEASE don't play with hormones it's dangerous. I don't know the situation in your country but it may exists some health care insurance who can help for the financial questions.

[ChickenLittle]

Hi Amy and welcome!

I'm also new here and just finding my way, so I can relate to some of what you're feeling. Everybody here has offered solid advice-- please stay as safe as possible! I think a gender therapist would be really helpful for you right now. 

I also find myself practicing my voice while driving, it's a great place because I don't feel so self conscious (I'm one of those people who sings loudly with the radio when I'm driving anyway)!

Best of luck with everything and I'm glad you're here. 

[Amy P]

Hi everyone and thanks for your kind words.

I've been looking for suitable therapists but they appear to be completely absent from where I live (a long way southwest).  I have located a trans support group who meet once a month in the evening (I'm sure they would know some therapists to recommend) - but even getting to go there would arouse suspicion from my wife as I don't go out much independently and this would be way out of my normal behaviour (that's the problem of not wanting to get involved in male activities and being seriously introverted). Probably wouldn't be a problem if I was a half decent liar - but I'm just not.  I was thinking of asking at my GP surgery if any of the practitioners had any experience in gender identity issues and talking to them rather than my own GP who I have a feeling wouldn't be that supportive. I don't think I can carry on not doing anything and consequently have tried to order some Estrofem online (I'll be amazed if it turns up) - don't worry because if it does (it would only be at extremely low doses as I don't want dramatic change (too many questions) - just to feel that something is changing - it's the standing still and sense of confinement that hurts) - then I'll probably go to the GP and ask to be supervised. I guess if they take me seriously they'll point me in the direction of a counsellor/therapist who I can arrange to see during the day.

Sorry for the ramble - not been having a good day - Any thoughts on this would be welcome?

Hugs

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Amy,

I understand the desire to make changes to better conform to our true selves, but I am concerned about getting any form of hormones on your own. I know you said you hope to get eventual supervision from your gp, but this is something you really should have guidance from a gp and gender therapist before even starting hormones. We often want to progress with changes asap, but it's important to slow ourselves down and get a better picture of who and what we truly are and want to become. Once we begin physically changing ourselves, there are things that happen that can not be reversed. A prime example is sterility resulting from HRT. A gender therapist can help us be more confident about making these changes. After the fact is a bad time to realise we've made a miatake. This may sound like cold water being poured down your back, but I give you this opinion because I care.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[MarcieMarie12]

Amy, if the support groups has an e-mail or phone number try contacting them that way. They can offer suggestions and how to deal with the NHS. Something I am completely unfamiliar with, but maybe somebody else on Laura's that has can speak to it.

[Jani]

Hi Amy.  I'm a little late but I do wish you a hearty welcome to Laura's.  There's lots of good commentary by my friends.  I look forward to reading more from you.

Jani

[Amy P]

On ‎20‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 8:33 PM, ChickenLittle said:

Hi Amy and welcome!

I'm also new here and just finding my way, so I can relate to some of what you're feeling. Everybody here has offered solid advice-- please stay as safe as possible! I think a gender therapist would be really helpful for you right now. 

I also find myself practicing my voice while driving, it's a great place because I don't feel so self conscious (I'm one of those people who sings loudly with the radio when I'm driving anyway)!

Best of luck with everything and I'm glad you're here. 

Hi Chickenlittle

Thx so much..

Do you mind if I ask you how old you are and if you are/have been in a relationship - and if so how did you cope/deal with this??

I'm not sure what the next step is/should be/or how to take it???

Hugs

[ChickenLittle]

6 hours ago, Amy P said:

Hi Chickenlittle

Thx so much..

Do you mind if I ask you how old you are and if you are/have been in a relationship - and if so how did you cope/deal with this??

I'm not sure what the next step is/should be/or how to take it???

Hugs

Hi Amy!

I'm 27 and married-- I've been with my partner for five years. I only recently came to the realization that I'm trans and came out to my partner (during a panic attack/argument, no less) shortly after I realized. At first, I was terrified that he wouldn't believe me or that he wouldn't love me or find me attractive any more, but thankfully that has not been the case in my situation. His eventual reaction was, among some feelings of worry, "I've always wanted a boyfriend but kind of mostly just wanted you to be my boyfriend so this is perfect." 

I think my situation is unique because my partner and I have never really felt particularly attached to traditional gender roles and we're both bi/pansexual so that makes a HUGE difference. Also, I have yet to start hormones and I'm a little worried that the reality of my body changing might make things difficult in some ways for both of us (even though most of the changes are things that I want). He's a healthcare provider and worries a lot about how hormones/transition related stuff will affect my health in the long-term. 

I think everybody's situation is different, which means that our first steps are usually different too. But know that you've got a supportive community here that will listen and offer advice when we can help! It sounds like you've been struggling with depression, which I'm sure many of us (definitely myself, at least) can relate to. I think the best first step you can take would be to find a therapist you can trust to help you sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do and when. The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and try to stay healthy-- emotionally and physically. Grappling with something like this takes a lot out of you and things always feel worse when your body and mind can't keep up with daily life. 

Sending lots of love your way! 

[Amy P]

On ‎29‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 5:49 AM, ChickenLittle said:

Hi Amy!

I'm 27 and married-- I've been with my partner for five years. I only recently came to the realization that I'm trans and came out to my partner (during a panic attack/argument, no less) shortly after I realized. At first, I was terrified that he wouldn't believe me or that he wouldn't love me or find me attractive any more, but thankfully that has not been the case in my situation. His eventual reaction was, among some feelings of worry, "I've always wanted a boyfriend but kind of mostly just wanted you to be my boyfriend so this is perfect." 

I think my situation is unique because my partner and I have never really felt particularly attached to traditional gender roles and we're both bi/pansexual so that makes a HUGE difference. Also, I have yet to start hormones and I'm a little worried that the reality of my body changing might make things difficult in some ways for both of us (even though most of the changes are things that I want). He's a healthcare provider and worries a lot about how hormones/transition related stuff will affect my health in the long-term. 

I think everybody's situation is different, which means that our first steps are usually different too. But know that you've got a supportive community here that will listen and offer advice when we can help! It sounds like you've been struggling with depression, which I'm sure many of us (definitely myself, at least) can relate to. I think the best first step you can take would be to find a therapist you can trust to help you sort through your feelings and decide what you want to do and when. The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and try to stay healthy-- emotionally and physically. Grappling with something like this takes a lot out of you and things always feel worse when your body and mind can't keep up with daily life. 

Sending lots of love your way! 

Hi ChickenLittle

Thanks for letting me know your story - I'm so pleased that you have chosen your partner so well - it's as if you both knew before you got together (maybe instinctively that was part of the attraction?)  I am looking for a therapist and will keep people here updated.  It's funny thinking about therapy because I guess (even with my confusion) I'm worried that they'll say 'oh your just a mixed up cross dresser - get on with it'  - and if they did I think I'd bust into tears or be really depressed - which I suppose confirms that must want more than to stay where I am....

Hugs x

[Cindy Truheart]

You are on a really scary journey here Amy, taking time to figure things out is a good idea. But don't let what you *think* will happen guide you. We tend to envision the worst, and I've found that it really isn't as bad as all that. I came out to my wife about ten months ago and we are still together. It hasn't been easy, but here we are! I came out on Facebook and to the world as a whole about a month ago and got a huge amount of support from my friends and family! There have been those who weren't supportive, but I made the decision long ago to cut anyone out of my life that wasn't supportive. This is how I chose to deal with things. I decided that I was strong enough to lose almost everyone. The ones that I didn't think I could lose I approached privately first and had long conversations with them with plenty of time for them to become adjusted to the idea before I went public. No, it hasn't been all rainbows and double chocolate birthday cake. But it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'm still not full time, I'm waiting to establish a good work history at my new job. I don't see it being a problem with them, I've already acted feminine in front of some and didn't have the slightest hint of a negative reaction.

I think you should continue trying to find a therapist, but most importantly, you need to get to that support group. I know what you mean about being an introvert, that has been me. I don't do anything without my wife at my side. Not only can they put you into contact with resources to help you, they can direct you to resources to help your wife. Continuing to hide this part of yourself will only make things worse, I speak from experience here. And holding it in will only make your relationship with your wife worse because you will be struggling to keep things going and the stress of that will break you down, again, I speak from experience. I can't begin to know you or your wife, but I do know your situation. Looking back, I'm glad I told my wife when I did. But this is your life and your decision. I wish you the best in this and know that we are always here for you!

Love and Light!

[Amy P]

On ‎30‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 4:32 PM, Cindy Truheart said:

You are on a really scary journey here Amy, taking time to figure things out is a good idea. But don't let what you *think* will happen guide you. We tend to envision the worst, and I've found that it really isn't as bad as all that. I came out to my wife about ten months ago and we are still together. It hasn't been easy, but here we are! I came out on Facebook and to the world as a whole about a month ago and got a huge amount of support from my friends and family! There have been those who weren't supportive, but I made the decision long ago to cut anyone out of my life that wasn't supportive. This is how I chose to deal with things. I decided that I was strong enough to lose almost everyone. The ones that I didn't think I could lose I approached privately first and had long conversations with them with plenty of time for them to become adjusted to the idea before I went public. No, it hasn't been all rainbows and double chocolate birthday cake. But it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'm still not full time, I'm waiting to establish a good work history at my new job. I don't see it being a problem with them, I've already acted feminine in front of some and didn't have the slightest hint of a negative reaction.

I think you should continue trying to find a therapist, but most importantly, you need to get to that support group. I know what you mean about being an introvert, that has been me. I don't do anything without my wife at my side. Not only can they put you into contact with resources to help you, they can direct you to resources to help your wife. Continuing to hide this part of yourself will only make things worse, I speak from experience here. And holding it in will only make your relationship with your wife worse because you will be struggling to keep things going and the stress of that will break you down, again, I speak from experience. I can't begin to know you or your wife, but I do know your situation. Looking back, I'm glad I told my wife when I did. But this is your life and your decision. I wish you the best in this and know that we are always here for you!

Love and Light!

Thanks again ChickenLittle - you are kind to take the trouble to write and explain.  Good luck with coming out at work (I've tried to imagine what that would be like at my place - I would probably have to take a lower paid office based role as I'm customer facing at the moment).  I'm coming to realise that everything is going to take a lot more time and preparation than I ever imagined (I just keep feeling that time isn't on my side).  I'll probably have lots of questions to ask so will be back in touch.

Thanks again x

[Amy P]

Hi

Thanks for everyone's advice - I got the message, and after much Googling have found one local therapist who works with gender identity (also female, yay!) who I have made an appointment with in just over a week's time. It's in the evening so I'm working on my excuses already..

Does anyone have any advice on how to approach a first therapy session - I'm going to be really nervous about this?

Many thanks for your help so far..

Hugs x

[TexasLibraryLady]

Be honest and open. Therapists are there to help, not to judge. If you have certain issues you want to bring up, mention them, otherwise they're pretty good about directing the session.