When switching back is no longer possible

[Clara84]

Hi

I just began transitionning 3 weeks ago and I can't deal with both identities anymore.

I explain... I am still not out to everybody but nearly all the most important persons knows.

Yesterday I was invited to a birthday party from one of my best friend, I am already out to him but there was other friends there who don't know about my transidentity.

I planned to go there in "male mode" because I think presenting me directly as Clara is not a good way to come out... I didn't go out as a male for the last 10 days and when it was the time to go to the party, I was totally blocked. Switching back to "male mode" is mentally impossible for me, I just can't do this anymore, because it's not me. It tried to force me but... no way.

I apologized to my friend and I didn't go to the party.

I read many stories where trans people deal with both identity during months, for me it's just not possible. I don't want anybody to see that "ghost man" I was anymore; as I wrote to my friend, I am Clara now and [mymalename] won't be back, never. Am I alone in this situation ?

1 month ago the idea of transitionning sounded impossible for me, and now... I am full time, can't believe it ;-)

[tracy_j]

I can understand Clara, as there is a point with most when going back is not an option, either mentally, physically or both. I sometimes wonder with myself as I have effectively been leading a double life for a few years now but change has been so gradual that even I don't realise how intimately female I have become. There does come a time when people have to know.

It really does depend a bit on your individual circumstances and friends etc. When I look back there are quite a few occasions when I am in very loosly mixed company and being treated as female by some and male by others. It maybe sounds a bit bizarre, but very surprisingly, is not usually problematic. It happens, I think, because I am usually dressed in female clothes, although fairly unisex, and wear light makeup. My red hair also helps.

I do not have the issue to the extent as you as I am still nominally male, but I remember a similar party I went to a few years ago. It was known beforehand that I was dressing very feminine but I had to do serious thinking before I went. Going as a man was out. Going as a woman (ie in a dress or skirt) was too far. Luckily it was a cowby fancy dress party. I had an ornate checked girly shirt that fitted, wore skinny jeans and got some (unisex) cowboy boots. I wore my makeup and was wearing female underwear (including, perhaps not too obvious bra). I went fully dressed as a woman and took things as they came. Ok I was still referred to by my male name, but I was otherwise happy in myself, and it made a good opportunity to steadily introduce myself. People did notice, but reponded fantastically.

In the end it may seem an 'all or nothing' thing, but I find there is a lot of overlap in gender which can be used to good effect.

Tracy

[Timber Wolf]

No Clara, I'm quite certain you're not alone in your situation. Although my situation does not precisely resemble yours, I am living mostly as myself now. I can't go back to living as that man anymore. I do go as that man to the store, but even at work I'm almost all me (except for my hair). I find that with people I'm out to, I can hardly stand the thought of being seen as that man. So you don't have to feel lonely at all in this. You've got plenty of company I'll bet!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?????

[Cindy Truheart]

No, not alone at all. When we moved here I was able to be me full time for just over two weeks. I cried when I had to go back to being a man for my job. I cried a lot. But I made promises that I would continue to be male for my job until I made a good impression and my wife found work. It's getting there, and I'm doing okay. But it's really been a struggle and I'm back to fighting depression again. I'm trying to hold on, it's only a few months before I can come out at work and go back to being full time.

[Cyndee]

Hi Clara, I think we all just realize how phony it feels to put on "the act" for others. It can be so depressing to even think about it. Think of your health and well being first. Trying to be something your not for the sake of others is no life to live. Be you, be happy

Hugs

Cyndi -

[MarcieMarie12]

No you are not. I came out to everyone at once except for work. Partly to avoid keeping track of who knows and who does not know. The other part is that I could not mentally go back to boy mode. I barely tolerated that at work, and basically after work I rushed home and changed. For me coming to the conclusion that peoples reaction to me being trans was theor problem not mine. If they gave me any trouble for it, I would cut them out of my life.

[Clara84]

Nice to know that I am not alone and not crazy at all.

I am normally not selfish, but now I will first think about me and my well being.

For the moment, I haven't had any bad reaction following my coming outs. 

There are still a few people left, I plan to come out on facebook next week for the remaining people. And if someone won't accept me it is not my problem anymore.

Love

Clara

[Cecilia]

On 4/22/2017 at 5:35 AM, Clara84 said:

Hi

I just began transitionning 3 weeks ago and I can't deal with both identities anymore.

I explain... I am still not out to everybody but nearly all the most important persons knows.

Yesterday I was invited to a birthday party from one of my best friend, I am already out to him but there was other friends there who don't know about my transidentity.

I planned to go there in "male mode" because I think presenting me directly as Clara is not a good way to come out... I didn't go out as a male for the last 10 days and when it was the time to go to the party, I was totally blocked. Switching back to "male mode" is mentally impossible for me, I just can't do this anymore, because it's not me. It tried to force me but... no way.

I apologized to my friend and I didn't go to the party.

I read many stories where trans people deal with both identity during months, for me it's just not possible. I don't want anybody to see that "ghost man" I was anymore; as I wrote to my friend, I am Clara now and [mymalename] won't be back, never. Am I alone in this situation ?

1 month ago the idea of transitionning sounded impossible for me, and now... I am full time, can't believe it ;-)

 

I am suffering the same emotional trauma too, Clara.  I am out to my wife, my daughter that visits us, etc.  My work has a Transgender Toolkit and assigned me an HR Champion who was with me as I came out to my boss.  I love the toolkit - it helps a lot;  and Dell EMC has won awards for being one of the top 10 best companies to transition at.  I didn't know that at first - so I am proud I was so brave to tell HR.  

At any rate -  I just rambled and got off topic.    I wanted to say that male clothing repulses me and reminds me of the 55 years of suffering with my birth defect of being born the wrong gender.  I only feel happy as full time,  and trying to be Scott and Cecilia is just painful and unfair to me.  So Scott is gone with regard to clothing and mannerisms.   At first I was too shy to go out;  but my wife showered me with love and taught me not to care about what other people think.  Just be happy in my own skin.   For me it's hard - I am 6'5" and 300 lbs and haven't started HRT yet (though I am asking my Trans MD to start me in August).  My face gets hairy fast - to the point that in the Air Force I had to shave 3x a day while I was in Basic Training!  The only thing that I have noticed in public is sometimes people stare at my breast forms or talk quietly amongst themselves out of reach of my ears.  I don't care what they say or think.  Wife and daughter loves me and accepts me - what else could I want in this world?

While I understand your desire for shyness and why you didn't go to the party;  if you ever want someone to chat with / vent to you can always write to me!

 

[Clara84]

Hi Cecilia (cute first name ;-) )

This post is more than 2 months old. Coming out process is now over for me, I am no more shy with the people I know. But it wasn't easy. You could take a look to my other posts to know the whole story, especially this one Link 

Basically when I started transitioning on the day I cane out to my wife. Went full time on day24 (and I was already 90% girl mode after 1 week) and finished coming outs on day51. 

I totally understand you when you say living with both identity is painful. Is more than painful, it's a torture.

You need to be full time, just do it. You won't regret it. The only regret I have is to have started transitioning so late. And I'm "only" 32. Like you've said, Scott is gone, I will add "...and he won't come back, never."

I was like you, very very quickly wearing male clothes was like totally uncommon for me. I felt like I always dressed as female during my whole life. 

My male clothes are since 2 months at the right place : the trash bin!

Like you I began with high weight. I was 240lbs / 5'6" (I am lucky not to be tall). I immediately started diet for weight loss. I am now 200lbs, which is still too much, but more acceptable. And believe me I used to love food.

Beard shadow is a big issue. You should buy specific product designed to hide the beard and start permanent hair removal immediately (1-2 years to complete!)

Welcome to your new life Cecilia! Feel free if you need to talk too. You will go through very emotional moments. Everything is not easy. But being your true self has no price.

Love

Clara

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi Cecilia! Yep, this thread is a little old and things have changed. I'm still only part time, but I'm out to two of my coworkers and I've been working with HR. Apparently I'm the first trans person in the company to transition on the job. So they have to put together a training course for everyone to make sure I'm not offended or something, lol! They have no idea how it is in a shop full of guys!

Being part time is rough and I absolutely hate it. However, it is possible. And if anything, I've found ways to try and 'soften the blow' for my coworkers when I finally come out. For example, I'm wearing a pink fitness tracker and a white and pink jelly bracelet which advocates equal rights for women. I wear women's ankle sock which are mostly black but have some other colors in them as well. I wear women's sneakers and very soon I will be wearing women's pants as well. (And of course I've already been under dressing) When I was at Pride I got rainbow colored, heart shaped stickers. I put one next to my name on my parts bin, right out in the open. I now carry around a pink coffee cup in the mornings and my personal cell phone has a pink and white case. I've been voice training and even though I don't use an entirely female voice at work, I have brought my pitch up quite a bit. I've also stopped policing my mannerisms so much, I sit like a woman, I walk like a woman.

I've done all of these things slowly, one by one over the course of the past months. I've gotten some comments, but nothing bad, nothing really negative. And I've ignored them. The way I figure it, I've been made to feel uncomfortable all my life and if the way I am makes others uncomfortable then they can get over it. This was necessary for my sanity. Being part time, maintaining that hard line between masculine and feminine, it was just way too much! But with all this, it's made things manageable for me.

Good luck with HRT, remember to start carrying around tissues! I have water leaking from my eyes all the time now, it's a wonderful feeling to have that emotional release!

Love and Light!

[Cecilia]

4 hours ago, Clara84 said:

Hi Cecilia (cute first name ;-) )

This post is more than 2 months old. Coming out process is now over for me, I am no more shy with the people I know. But it wasn't easy. You could take a look to my other posts to know the whole story, especially this one Link 

Basically when I started transitioning on the day I cane out to my wife. Went full time on day24 (and I was already 90% girl mode after 1 week) and finished coming outs on day51. 

I totally understand you when you say living with both identity is painful. Is more than painful, it's a torture.

You need to be full time, just do it. You won't regret it. The only regret I have is to have started transitioning so late. And I'm "only" 32. Like you've said, Scott is gone, I will add "...and he won't come back, never."

I was like you, very very quickly wearing male clothes was like totally uncommon for me. I felt like I always dressed as female during my whole life. 

My male clothes are since 2 months at the right place : the trash bin!

Like you I began with high weight. I was 240lbs / 5'6" (I am lucky not to be tall). I immediately started diet for weight loss. I am now 200lbs, which is still too much, but more acceptable. And believe me I used to love food.

Beard shadow is a big issue. You should buy specific product designed to hide the beard and start permanent hair removal immediately (1-2 years to complete!)

Welcome to your new life Cecilia! Feel free if you need to talk too. You will go through very emotional moments. Everything is not easy. But being your true self has no price.

Love

Clara

Hi Clara. 

I'm still googling what to do about facial hair!  I bought Moom but don't want a rash reaction,  and don't know if I should be doing laser or electrolysis.  Factors include success rate, pain, cost.

-Cecilia

 

[Cindy Truheart]

3 hours ago, Cecilia said:

Hi Clara. 

I'm still googling what to do about facial hair!  I bought Moom but don't want a rash reaction,  and don't know if I should be doing laser or electrolysis.  Factors include success rate, pain, cost.

-Cecilia

 

Unless you have a lot of blond or grey hair, go with laser. It's cheaper in the long run and the results are permanent once they have made enough passes. Electrolysis is supposed to be more painful as well although I can't say from personal experience yet.

[Clara84]

4 hours ago, Cecilia said:

Hi Clara. 

I'm still googling what to do about facial hair!  I bought Moom but don't want a rash reaction,  and don't know if I should be doing laser or electrolysis.  Factors include success rate, pain, cost.

-Cecilia

 

For hiding the beard I use a product named "laukrom". I bought it Here but you may also find it on amazon. Moom looks interesting. But if you want to do a permanent hair removal (laser or IPL) you shouldn't use this product during the treatment. Only shave or hair removal cream. No wax no epilator.