Without make-up

[Clara84]

2 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I think all of this go through what you describe to a certain degree. I'm 42 now and trust me, I cried and cried and cried for the time I've lost. I had been repressing and denying for over twenty years, when I woke up and the memories started coming back to me I finally had an explanation for what I am and why I've always felt different.

I have a fascination with the color pink that borders on obsession and I absolutely go crazy for sparkly things! It's okay, it's part of the process. Eventually you will learn to tone things down a bit, don't worry about it too much. You will slowly "age" mentally so that your mind and body catch up with each other. You will always lament the time you lost to a certain degree, but moving past that is the only way to live your life in the here and now. Oh, and I wanted a princess bedroom set as well, but my wife squashed it!

If you want to blend in, just tone it down a bit. Adult women get a pass on the girly stuff as long as they don't go overboard. But if you don't care to blend in, then do what you want to do and ignore everyone else! But mostly, in all things, enjoy the freedom of being yourself!

Love and Light!

We do live pretty similar things. I still cry everyday about the lost time. Being born aged 32 or 41 is sooo unfair!

I am in love with Pink and sparkly things too :-) 

Fortunately my wife likes the princess bedroom. Sorry to hear that your wife said 'no'.. you can try to changes the room style slowly. Buy a dressing table! Just say you need it to avoid staying too long in the bathroom... and choose the princess one.

For the girly stuff I try to tone down to avoid being too gaudy. I like the concept of "doing what I want to do" but I am perhaps too early in my transition to do such things publicly. A friend of me told me I got a nerve being so girly at my stage of transition. Another one laughed and said "its OK we do see you're now a girl, you're doing too much" (he didn't understand that I just love such girly things)... 

As soon as I will be satisfied of my natural appearance, I would surely afford me more again. Because the girly girl is just the REAL me! 

[NancyBalik]

Clara, I just read this entire thread and, as someone who is twice your age, is "in the closet," and has struggled with gender my entire life, I am so very impressed with your courage.  I think that you look very feminine in your 'no makeup' picture, and I very much understand your wanting to be surrounded bu "girly" things.  (I do, too, and the more I'm not supposed to have the girly things around the more I want them.). I think you've gotten some very sound advice in this thread and it seems that you are simply experiencing "growing pains" in your rebirth as a trans woman.  Good for you!  I admire your struggle and Imimagine it will get easier.  Best, Nancy

[Clara84]

I spoke today about all that facts with my therapist and she told me it's usual steps in the transition journey. 

- the habit to be excessive girly is a way to recover all the time while it was "forbidden"

- it has also something to do with HRT and the puberty effect. She compared me to a young girl who begins to wear make-up and very feminine things. Some of these teens does also do it excessively because they want to test everything at once (that's same for me!)

Now about why I pass but don't believe it.

The fact that our face is changing very quickly under HRT is not usual. The image of us inside does progress slower than our real image, because being on HRT is not a natural situation

Although we always wanted to look like our felt gender, when it happens, our brains stay behind that sometimes during months. She confirmed me that it happens with a lot of trans people.

I've also seen many times on trans pages some people posting their picture which absolutely looks like a cis person. And they are all asking "do I pass?" I used to be jealous of those pics and didn't understand why a so lucky person asks that question. Now I understand.

[VickySGV]

You have an utterly SUPER therapist there and she has helped you totally see this one.  She is right on the "teenage girl" thing too.  I have a 16 year old Trans* girl who is my "adopted niece" / Goddaughter and she is now into her third major hair color change this year.  She has long hair that I am jealous of and sets the trend for her school friends.  Her mother just rolls her eyes and says she never knows who she will find when she comes home from work.  I recently met a whole group of supportive mothers of Trans* children and a couple of their children's therapists who back up your therapist on what it is like then.

It will not be long before you look in a mirror and say "Hi Me!" and smile at what you see even without any special attention.

[Clara84]

I slowly began to like the mirror, even with natural look, but I am still struggling with pictures.

I am satisfied with the upper part of my face. But I still find the bottom part very masculine. (square jawbone, hair over the upper lip and on the chin). I didn't notice any change yet in that part of my face.

I totally understand the attitude of your 16yo goddaughter. I do act like her.

I spoke with the postwoman this morning, she knew me before transitionning so my face shouldn't look new to her but hadn't worked during the last months. She noticed the name change on the letterbox and asked me about it...

"I suppose you're Clara" - "And what should I do with HIS mail ?" - "Is HE gone, where does HE live now ?" Then I told her that "HE" became ME. She stops talking during some time, looked at me and was very surprised. She told that she absolute didn't notice anything and didn't recognize me. She asks me how many surgeries I did to look like that.

...such stories makes me feel better. But our self-acceptance takes time.

[MarcieMarie12]

It is one of the reasons, many get FFS. Not because they need it to look feminine (they already do), it is just to close to "him" for them to handle dysphoria wise.

[Clara84]

2 hours ago, MarcieMarie12 said:

It is one of the reasons, many get FFS. Not because they need it to look feminine (they already do), it is just to close to "him" for them to handle dysphoria wise.

I know that and I absolute understand. I've read too much stories where people are bad judging women who want to do FFS, saying "you pass well, you don't need it"

But it's not a passing question. 

I hope to avoid FFS but I'm not against the idea. We transition to feel better with ourself and modifying the face can be part of the process.