Do we become more feminine as we age?

[NancyBalik]

I now realize that I always had gender dysphoria.  I just didn't know why I wanted to play with the girls and admired the dresses and floral blouses that they wore in grade school.  I wanted to wear to shop for a fancy dress to wear to prom, and I always thought my genitals were ugly.  But, as I've gotten older (I'm now in my mid-sixties) my urges to dress in women's clothes and my wish to be a woman has grown much stronger.  I wonder if it is because I am less involved with my career, less focused on earning an income, done raising a family, etc.; or because my testosterone levels have naturally subsided--or simply because I have stopped pretending/denying and I have been fully embracing that I am transgendered (even though I am in the closet).  I'm just wondering if others have found that the urges become more powerful with age.  Is this a physical or psychological thing, or both?  Thanks, Nancy

[Guest CLAIRE100]

for me it was after the death of my wife when I was 59, during grief counciling I finally I finally admitted to another person what I had dealt with my whole life and that was that since I was young I always felt I should be female.After a a couple of more sessions she asked if I would like to see a friend of hers who was a gender therapist I took a deep breath and finally said yes though I admit I was terrified at the thought. What I thought would be a few sessions to try to understand my issues became twice monthly sessions in which I realized that my life as a male was typical of many with gender issues in that I had led an over masculine life. The therapist finally asked what I wanted and what I was willing to risk. Well it took a number of years of therapy and finally meeting up with others who had or were transitioning that at the age of 65 I began living full time as a female and I have been on HRT for over 16 months. Do I feel more feminine I would say yes but only because I have finally stopped fighting how I had always felt, others talk of how HRT makes them more emotional I believe that it frees us to be emotional if that makes any sense. Isee a nice colorful dress or blouse which I never would have considered in a male style but now I don't hesitate .I guess what I am trying to say that at the age of 66 I finally feel free to be myself, I don't always pass, I hate that I have to where A wig but when I look in the mirror I see me and that is worth everything to me finally.

[DenimAndLace]

I just couldn't fight it any longer.  It became too hard to be someone others wanted me to be and in exasperation, I conceded to the authentic person that I am.  I fought valiantly until my early forties.

 

[Guest LesleyAnne]

At age 63 my angry outbursts became intolerable for my wife. I never took that anger out on my wife, but she was tired of having to witness it. I had been laid off the job for a couple of years by then, and she'd had enough so she gave me an ultimatum, get help at the VA, or she would walk. We had been married 42 years and I didn't want to say good-bye to her, so off to the VA. The VA evaluated me, and declared me 70% disabled due to severe PTSD, and through therapy the lid came off the can with all of that suppressed anger from combat, and with no job to no longer keep me in check, I became out of control. During the five years of continuous therapy, all kinds of things came out of that can. Dysphoria was right in there with the PTSD, and connected to it, and it could no longer be suppressed. My Psychologist was able to uncover my first bout with PTSD, which was when I was about 5-6 yrs. of age. My dad who was a real mans man, and ex-railroader, ex-coal miner, recognized that I was exhibiting girly tendencies and denying I was a boy. This was a guy born in 1899, and would have none of that, so when he said to shut-up and stop with the girly girl stuff, no more getting caught in girls clothes, playing with dolls, and denying I was a boy. When he barked you darn well listened. From that day forward I suppressed it, denied it, only to secretly dress, and be Lesley Anne. I volunteered to go to Nam, became a gunner, flew 154 aerial combat missions. Came back road bulls, Rodeo, hunting, fights, crazy chances on motorcycles...you name it, and I did everything in my power to keep the girl in me hidden. 

So where am I going with this? Getting older, and being unemployed took away some of my resistance to be who I really am. Age, and therapy actually set me free. It became less important for me to keep up a facade being a tough guy, I quit trying to be my old man. After dad passed I no longer had to keep proving myself, and trying to make him proud of me, but now I feared that he was watching over me, and he could now see that I was doing girly things in secret, and actually never stopped from that day he told me to. 

I think most of us old girls here strongly denied who we were since in the 50's, 60's. and 70's we weren't transgender people, we were just homosexuals, and at that time in our history that was a shame, and stigma with grave consequences, and it would force us into complete isolation. 

There were no Gender Therapists then, no clergy to talk to, and no internet to find support, and associate with people like ourselves. So with our age things just got a lot better there became more openness, more acceptance, the internet, and therapy. 

We've got a long way to go, but having been alive back in the dark ages, I recognize that we've actually come a long way from those terrible years. 

Plus one more thing about age.....I'm old, and I know it, and I know that there is now way I can look pretty, and not much chance of that girly figure; so with my age came acceptance of the real me.  I'm an old lady! :-)

Now... I didn't say that I wouldn't maybe seek a little nip, and tuck here and there LOL!

Love to all,

Lesley

 

 

[NancyBalik]

Thanks for the replies!  Clare, I've often thought that if I lost my wife I would transition--but it's not as though I hope for that to happen.  When she is out of town without me (rarely, maybe once a year for a few days) I spend my evenings dressed and sleep in what I want to sleep in always.  DAL, I think that I am still fighting--but then I've got an awful lot to lose.  LesleyAnne, you make some really good points about the closed-off era we grew up in, and the increased understanding and openness today.  As far as being an 'old lady,' I find myself admiring and wanting to emulate women of my age group.  I have no desire to look like or dress like I am a young woman.  I want to look like (and feel like) a well-dressed 60-something!!!  Thanks all--still interested in comments on this topic.  Nancy

[DenimAndLace]

Nancy, I've known countless people who express the same fear about having too much to loose.  I get it.  Hopefully your gender never weighs on you so much that you have to take that risk.  Needless to say, It's terrifying!  When my gender became too much for me to bare any longer, I told my wife expecting her to leave me along with the kids and everything else that I held dear.  I figured with nothing left to lose, I'd attempt to transition but knew, having nothing left to live for, that I'd probably not survive anyway.  My gender issues were that bad.  In the end, my most vital relationships survived, in large part because my wife chose to stay setting an example for everyone else down the line.  It was excruciatingly painful and life altering for both of us - we could have lost everything but we made it, we're better for it and for that, I will be eternally grateful. Not all who try are as fortunate as I was.  I hope you always find the courage you need to do what you think best for your situation.

[VickySGV]

I am now 69.5 years old and 4 years Post Op.  This link is to my introduction post here in the Forums (I still want to say "The Playground") which gives you an idea of who and what I was back then.  I had been divorced for many years, but family obligations had occupied my mind and kept me from needing to accept my True Self.  Not pretty, but life on The Other Side is where I need to be.

https://www.transgenderpulse.com/forums/topic/33834-closing-eyes-holding-nose-jumping-in/

[Guest CLAIRE100]

for me therapy was what finally let the Genie out of the bottle, I dearly loved my late wife and had she lived I probably would not have begun transition. But during therapy the therapist got me to dig deeper into myself until I got to a point that I could not hide myself any longer. With every step forward I wanted more and yet there was a cost in ersthat my sons were unaccepting  though my daughters have been supportive, as well as my late wife's 2 closest friends who I have known since high school, they have become my own personal fashion consultants being we are the same age they tell me what works for me and what does not.Having support is critical I to want to just fit in and look like any other mature woman and not some teenager. That said I consider my self to be a feminine  girlie girl who likes her skirts and dresses, perfume and generally being put together. I trully believe we do tend to become more feminine later in life because we ha denied our feelings for so long. I hoped to be able to have Gender Confirmation Surgery but medical issues may prevent that but for now I'm just happy being me.

[NancyBalik]

D & L,  I wish so much that my wife (of over 40 years) was supportive.  I have tried a number of times to talk to her about this.  She refuses to learn about it or read anything about it.  The last time I asked her to talk about it was a couple years ago--I had DVR'ed Caitlin (then Bruce) Jenner's interview with Diane Sawyer and I had watched it first myself.  I asked her to watch it with me and paused it in several places to tell her that what he was saying was "like me" or "not like me."  I was clear with her about how the parts about feeling like he wanted to be a girl as a child was "like me," but any parts about wanting to transition were "not like" me.  She did watch it with me, but refused to discuss it further, and it has not been talked about since.  Times like this just hurt me so much that I have given up trying.  She is a religious person and I know that what gets in the way for her is that she believes that it is somehow against "god's way."  So, that closes the door.  It has not been enough for me to leave her.  We do share many other things, get along in many ways, share companionship, do things with our adult kids and our grandkids, etc., etc.  So, I probably with gather the wherewithal to talk to her again, but I do not have high hopes for her acceptance or understanding--especially because she has refused to read about it!!!

Vicky, I did read your initial intro--Thanks for directing me to that.  What a journey you've had!  I have such admiration for women who have taken that journey and become their true selves.  I wish that you lived in my neighborhood and we could sit down for coffee and be friends.  I think that would help me a lot!

Claire,  Reading about how your wives friends have become your girlfriends and help you with fashion and present as more feminine--Wow!  I am filled with envy.  Not as though this was an easy road for you, but those are some amazing friends.  You are one lucky gal.  I believe that if I had that kind of understanding and support I wouldn't be so scared--but all I imagine is lack of understanding, criticism, hurt, ridicule, hate, etc. (which all goes back to what I wrote in my first paragraph.  If the person I most want love and acceptance from can't/won't accept that I feel feminine, I have a hard time believing many people would--except other trans people--and there aren't a lot of us). 

I wish that I could sit down with all of you and just TALK (and probably cry too).  Thanks for the support, Nancy

[tracy_j]

I have a feeling that there is a combination of two things which have a major influence:

1: As we get older our body hormone balance changes as the testosterone becomes less dominant in our makeup (MTF).

2: We are far less concerned about other people and society as we are at the point of retiring so the need to have a stable job beomes less relevant. Effectively we are less worried about negative aspects.

As such, I am not sure that the urges become stronger, or that the 'back of mind' negative aspects become less of a hinderance.

Tracy

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Before hormones kick in in children and after they stop working in old age, female seems to be the default gender. When you consider that 500,000 hysterectomies are performed each year in this country (far far less than orchies) and we don't see them becoming transmen. Most still want to revisit the good old days even if the risk is gone and virility faded away. Modern gender roles are very fluid what with the  equal division of labor and such but, it changes couples from traditional roles that some think are cast in stone and will last for a lifetime. Whether one comes to the reality that they are trans* or need to find a trophy wife, it means that the other person needs to adapt the relationship to keep it working. 

[Charlize]

As a very simple answer to this question i will answer Yes.  That is my experience only and due to the fact that i went full time when i was 63 years old.  For a short period i tried to shed all male traits and habits but have come to a point of equilibrium with a comfortable balance that is perceived by the world as female.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize