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Shende

Greetings from the UK!

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Shende   
Shende

 

Hi, I thought I should  introduce myself! I hope me being from the UK isn’t going to be an issue, but I could do with some love and company!

I’m Shende, well my username is! I’ve known I’ve been transgendered since I was very young, but hid it away, like most I imagine. I’m now an adult with a partner and two kids and the overwhelming urge to be myself is too painful to suppress.

I came to terms with being transgender a long time ago and I’m in no way or ever have been ashamed of the fact. I’ve just been a coward really and tried to hide and fit in with normal expectations of me, whilst letting the “real me” out in secret.

I’ve done and do feminise myself as much as possible, this takes the edge off sometimes. I’ve been and am depressed, suicidally sometimes. I’ve fallen down the well of alcoholism, which of course didn’t help, but gave me some peace for a short while.

I’ve stopped drinking and am now looking after my health better than I was. I’ve been to a counsellor, where I told her everything. It was a relief to get it off my chest and talk to someone but I don’t know what happens now.

It’s taking over everything, clouds my entire life, everything I do, my interactions with people, my outlook on life. I’m not a man, although I have a man’s body, I’m not a woman, although I have a woman’s soul. I exist between worlds, belonging to neither.

Maybe some good will come from therapy and psychiatric counselling. I need help or I can only see myself killing myself. I need to address the trans issue. I do not want to be a man, I don’t feel like a man and all I do is fake it. It’s exhausting.

I’m questioning my existence now. The difficult decisions I have to face.

  1. Carry on faking it and living a lie.

  2. Come out to everyone and hope they’re open and accepting.

  3. Come out to everyone and transition.

  4. Suicide

I’m only out to the counsellor and you guys! Coming out to my partner could lead to never seeing kids again and being homeless! Plus the kids need a Dad. Not coming out means staying like this and being forlorn and depressed until I die. What a mess eh?!

Thank you for your time, it’s appreciated. I could really do with some help, support and guidance.

Shende xxx

 

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MaryEllen   
MaryEllen

Hello Shende,

Welcome to TransPulse. :)  Thank you for sharing your story with us.  Is the counsellor you're seeing a gender specialist? Is he/she helping you to understand why you feel as you do? Are you getting helpful advice? If not, I would urge you to seek out a therapist who specializes in gender issues. 

Is your partner aware of your transgender feelings?  What are your partner's thoughts about transgenderism? You could ask a few leading questions about her feelings. That would give you a better idea of how she would respond if you were to come out to her. Some spouses are supportive but sadly, some are not.  I would urge you to continue counseling until you have a definite plan of action in place. Avoid making spur of the moment decisions. That usually leads to disasters.

Transitioning is not a 100 yard sprint but rather a marathon. Even under the best of conditions it takes years to achieve so you'll need beaucoup patience. If/when you come out to your partner, you both will have to be willing to compromise. If an agreement can be made, that would be great. As always, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Either way, it won't be easy. It would be nice if there was a magic button you could push to make things come out right but unfortunately, there is not. There could be untold joy ahead for you or there could be heartbreak. There is no way of knowing. In the end, even with the best of advice, this is a decision only you can make. So think this out carefully and do what you need to do. 

Good luck.

MaryEllen :)

 

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Charlize   
Charlize

Welcome  Shende.  Your story closely mirrors mine.  I was also fortunate to stop drinking and in doing so i went to AA as i realized i couldn't stop by myself.  For a period of time i tried to simply put buy gender issues on a shelf but eventually came out, not at home but in the rooms of AA.  I found acceptance there and shortly afterwards i found this site.  It helped as well.  I finally became honest at home, started therapy and have been living as myself for over 5 years now.  It hasn't been easy.  Far from it, but it has been well worth the effort.  I'm one of the lucky ones whose family has survived.   Yesterday i attended a birthday party for a grandson with my wife, her sister and many of my daughter in laws relatives.  The latter are all practicing catholics but even so i found myself accepted at this point.  It has taken time and as MaryEllen noted patience.  I've still got issues and problems in my life.  I have to deal with those but i have found an ability to accept myself as the person i am and live my life accordingly.  One thing that helped me when i joined Pulse was the simple statement someone wrote:   You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Briana   
Briana

Hi Shende and welcome!  So many have been in the same spot as you.  We're all individuals with generally different situations so what works for one many times doesn't work someone else.  However, many ideas and techniques that others have used can still be used by you; you just need to adapt them to your situation.  Along with that, if you're seeing a gender counselor they should be able to help you find some insight, direction and give you suggestions.

I personally was lucky in that my wife knew early on when we were dating and was accepting.  We talked and planned a whole whole lot before getting married.  It was a compromise for both of us but all in all worked well.  I used a somewhat humor-based approach to begin the discussion with my wife to be.  From there I slowly transitioned to a "what do you think about this...how do you feel about that..etc." approach.  From there I narrowed it down to me.  By the time we got that far, she already knew but was also ready to begin to talk seriously. 

I will say that I think it would be a whole lot harder if we were already married and she didn't have any inkling.  I wish you the best and don't be shy about participating, sharing, and asking advice.  And definitely used your counselor.

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Jani423   
Jani423

Hello Shende and Welcome.  Being from the UK is certainly not an issue here.  We welcome you no matter where you are from.  Thank you for sharing your story.  Please do join in to the conversation, we'd love to hear more from you.

Jani

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Carolyn Marie   
Carolyn Marie

Welcome to TransPulse, Shende.  I know it is a gut wrenching decision to come out to family, but it can work.  Many of us here, including me, have transitioned and kept our families intact.  But every situation is different, and you have to look at your unique situation and make those decisions.  I feel for you.

Please post as much as you like, and we'll be here to help.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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MarcieMarie12   
MarcieMarie12

Hi Shende, welcome to Transpulse!

Carry on faking it and living a lie and suicide were pretty much the same choice for me. In the end I knew if I continued in boy mode I may not be physically dead but would most certainly be emotionally dead. It was one of the things I discussed with my gender therapist a lot before transitioning. 

Come out to everyone eventually was the first and probably the hardest hurdle to overcome and a lot of my suicidalness was from anxiety of coming out. I went in knowing that not everyone might be accepting, I was preparing myself for the worst case scenario. Fortunately that did not happen. I was lucky, my friends and work accepted me. My family was a mix of indifference, anger, tolerance and acceptance--but over time it has gotten better as the shock wore off and they realized this was not a phase. 

Hugs,

Marcie

 

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Shende   
Shende

Morning.

Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. I'm quite touched, thank you x

@MaryEllen - My counsellor was a mental health one, although was very sympathetic and had experience with transgender clients, she has referred me to a specialist.

@Charlize - I went to AA too. I've found it very inspirational, wonderful people and presence at meetings. It's helped a lot.

None of family know. My partner doesn't know, but it may not come as a shock if/when I come out to her. She won't like it, but all that's happened over the years, it might make sense to her. At the moment, I'm at the beginning of coming out. A slow release I guess. I've been transgendered for as long as I can remember but now is the point "she" is breaking free! Lol

Again, thank you all and I look forward to getting to know you all better! 

Shende x

 

 

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tracy_j   
tracy_j

Hi Shende :)

As I can testify - being in the Uk is no issue at all (or anywhere else for that matter).

My feelings on things tend to be very similar as I now I am not male, although physically so, and am mentally far more female than male. There is often accepted to be a gender spectrum on which everyone sits at some point. Very few people are at the extremes, and some are pretty much in the middle. It is hard to determine exactly where one sits but a gender therapist would help.

Personally I had a bad period in my life a few years ago which prompted me to act. I adopted a process of gradual change which, although at times raising bad comments and stress between me and my partner, worked well and now she accepts my (oftentotally girlie) dress. The same is generally true of the neighbours too. For me male attire is now relegated to when I work on the car or the odd major family occasion (weddings and funerals).

For me it is living the feminine lifestyle as I don't regard myself as totally female. I am androgyne or non binary (or one of a number of other terms with similar meaning). As you will realise, society has a problem with a non binary world. I find it gets a bit confusing at times being called female at one point and male a few seconds later. It is easier though, being one or the other. My take is to approach things with a relaxed attitude. A pleasant smile calms many an unsure moment.

Differently to most here, I have not come out to many people. I found it did not work well, with understanding, not negative reactions. Trans issues are now far more reported in the news etc and that has helped with acceptance. A few years back I began wearing makeup at work daily (in the health service such things are acceptable) and steadily changed my lifestyle. Progress was slow but there is so much to learn anyway. You really need to find your feet, either with external help, or by such steady progress. My partner steadily grew with it, even though we have never really discussed things (she is one who does not talk). With luck and a caring relationship things will work with you too.

Tracy

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Shende   
Shende

Hi @tracy_j and thank you for sharing and your support. 

Being sober has forced me to confront a few things. Alcohol used to keep "her" away I suppose. Now I'm sober she is always there and is me, if that makes sense? It's hard to suppress and hide and is quite painful and lonely. 

I do feel female. I don't fit in with men, although I get on with them. They're too boisterous and their sense of humour is a little too low brow for my tastes! Lol

I'm waiting for my next appointment. I want to talk more about myself, now that the floodgates are open. I don't know how far I'll go, maybe I'll transition, I don't know. I'm certainly not putting pressure on myself. 

Thank you again and I hope you're having a wonderful day

Shende x

 

 

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Charlize   
Charlize

You may be interested in attending one of our meetings or simply joining the list-serve.  Our meetings are at awkward times for those on your side of the pond but we've had folks from the UK, Italy, France and Germany as well as an Australian or two.  All trans* folks in recovery with a great deal to share.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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tracy_j   
tracy_j
18 hours ago, Shende said:

 

Being sober has forced me to confront a few things. Alcohol used to keep "her" away I suppose. Now I'm sober she is always there and is me, if that makes sense? It's hard to suppress and hide and is quite painful and lonely. 

I do feel female. I don't fit in with men, although I get on with them. They're too boisterous and their sense of humour is a little too low brow for my tastes! Lol

 

 

 

I have always taken 'she as to be me' or at least in me, and accepted her. I am of the opinion that everyone has their inner fears and it is totally normal. I do believe I am just more accepting of my differences with societies norms. I am a bit of a rebel though ;)

My opinion of men is very similar. I have not suffered too much with gender dysphoria but do find it affects me if I spend any amount of time in a very male dominated atmosphere.

The loneliness is really my biggest issue but luckily I realised strongly years ago that drink only makes things worse. As you progress you can begin to make new friends and maybe take up a hobby or two. I started doing drawing lessons and now have an art group I go to. One obvious problem I have come across is having female friends though. Being in a relationship means being understanding of possible problems. Luckily my partner seems Ok with having online female friends. I tend to be very open and 'matter of fact' with things though. I found that when I started to wear makeup, or even just in a group of women at work and joined in the 'female' conversation that I was generally accepted when they realised that I was openly at one with them (although beware of some 'catiness' and group behaviour with outsiders in some circles). When you relax in who you are things will come.

Just accept yourself. It will make a big difference! You don't have to come out to do so, but it will relax you so that you can plan under far less stress. A woman does not have to dress as a woman to be so.

Tracy x

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