Getting over a hurt

[Charlize]

I feel much better now but i want to share a fairly recent experience.  In the morning as i helped my wife (who has MS) get ready for the day she opened up withe the statement that i was "delusional".  It took a moment to soak in as it seemingly came from nowhere.  It's been 5+ years after going full time.  I've had surgery.  I'm quite comfortable as a woman in the world and yet I do have times when i feel i'll never fit in fully to any gender.  Somehow this statement from a loved one sent me on a downward spiral ending with thoughts of self harm.  I certainly hadn't been there for years.  

I know how these feelings can seeming grow worse and worse.  Somehow i feed into that and perhaps even enjoy feeling sorry for myself.  As i slid into the hole of self pity i prayed for help knowing i couldn't handle this myself.  Even 10 years of sobriety can't begin to guarantee i won't drink again.

I am fortunate to have a recovery program (from alcohol addiction) where i was able to share my feeling of pain. I first shared at a cis gendered meeting, then at a trans* group and finally at a GLBT meeting.  I'm so glad that i am able to reach out now.  During my addiction i would have disappeared into a bottle for a month.  Instead i'm able to find help.  After all as Kermit the Frog said " it isn't easy being green".  It's hard enough going through life but the addition of gender issues makes it harder.  Fortunately i can reach out to help here and elsewhere.  

I'm grateful that i can reach out here as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Oh Charlize, I read your story and feel for you (hugs). We are at constant risk for depression and triggering events, even well past transition. Having a support network and resources in place (including here) for life's ups and downs is a must. Building up a "spiritual resiliency" and the ability to bounce back from life's curve balls is what we all face. Gender issues as you say, just add a layer of complexities to life, and can still come back and be a problem long after transition. I am glad you are feeling better now, however a reminder that things can and do go wrong in the world of the gender diverse. Later in life, I've learned how to "let go", very hard lessons indeed. 

Best wishes 

Cynthia -

[VickySGV]

We never know when those triggers will be set off or by whom.  I have had the "delusional" epithet tossed my way and the sober me can absorb the hurt in ways I could not do before.  I admit to having some delusions, but they are not about my gender, which is what I clearly tell folks around me, and conclude with an invitation to tell me what their delusions are.  (I rarely get a response, but on one or two occasions have had some wonderful conversation and have gotten to really know some truly special people that way,)  I still get "micro-aggressions" from one or two family members who keep giving me suggestions that I would look better if I do something to my appearance that is more mannish (IE: de-transitioning).  Life is a matter of progress here, and sadly the others will not progress along with me, but I actually like to see what I wanted to hide back in the old days for myself.

[DenimAndLace]

28 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I admit to having some delusions, but they are not about my gender, which is what I clearly tell folks around me, and conclude with an invitation to tell me what their delusions are.

That's a very practical suggestion Vicki. I like it - thank you.  I don't have much "post transition" experience but I've accepted that my gender issues will likely haunt me the rest of my life.  They came to the party early and they'll surly be the last to leave. Best learn to deal with them. Same thing with micro aggressions.

Sorry that happened to you Charlize. It's the worst when it comes from an ally isn't it?  It blindsides us when our defenses are down.  Thanks for the transparency.  It's not always a bed of roses on the "other side" of transition.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Charlize,

I try to remember that transitioning, be it medical or just living life as our true gender, goes beyond us. Our families transition with their relationship with us as well. 

There are times I know I find myself wishing I could just be cis gender, that it would be so much easier. Our family members feel that way too sometimes, and it can just come out sometimes in things they say.

I find putting such things in perspective can be helpful. Sharing our feelings and experiences in venue's such as this can help in that. I'm sure glad we've got this site and recovery groups.???

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jani]

I'm sorry to hear this Charlize.  I do agree places like this with the people that are here are so important to us.  I suppose that may be our lot in life to not have others fully understand us, even those who do support us.  I'm glad you are now strong enough to weather theses storms.

Hugs, Jani

 

[bobbisue]

I'm sorry to hear of this sad incident it must have hurt deeply you have developed the strength to handle this with grace and remain an inspiration to so many here 

 

   bobbisue

[tracy_j]

I am sorry to hear Charlize. These sort of things come from time to time. A fairly regular one with me is when my mother asks if my partner is still as fat as she was (she is overweight). That really hurts. It's the way she asks - more like a statement. I do wonder if your wife's MS has anything to do with her statement, coming out of the blue.

I think  I have realised though is that  I will never likely be totally female and I never was totally male either. Knowing that makes the issue to think about handling the negative comments I will get, rather than hoping I never get them.

Tracy

[MarcieMarie12]

Sorry to hear about this. After a year+ full time my family is still adjusting and as my dad said their are some things he will never get used to. I have to accept that. In the end he is a cis hetero normative male, and thinks like one. Because of this, I do not expect him to ever fully understand or get used to his pan transdaughter.

[Guest suden]

Pain from a loved one is so hard to hear. Cuts very deep! Alcohol addiction runs strong in  my family and I,ve seen hurt heaped on those who are fighting with it. Those who find love and support are very lucky. This site gives both Love and support to total strangers who find them selves fighting more then most= self acceptance of who they are and want happiness in finding them self. 

Charlize I remember you as one of the first to welcome me to this site some two years ago or has it been three. Some how knowing a trans woman  on a truck farm in New Jersey was out there gave me hope. I could be happy and find my self. Some one in Iowa thinks proudly of you, and I always see a little of every one on this site when I look in the mirror and see my self and smile every time! Thanks Charlize !  Love Eden   

[Rachael]

Sorry to hear the comment made you feel bad. Hopping things get better for you. Thanks for all you do on this forum. We will probably never gain the acceptance that we hope for. 

Best wishes.