Yet another hurdle in this process

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi, things are good so far and I just past 14 months on HRT. Electrolysis is going good , laser pretty much done.

All great however through prodding by my transition doctor it came out that an orchiectomy might not be what I really want and that simple vulvaplasty is really my choice.

Shes right but still still this brings into play a lot of things I was hoping to avoid like the hassle of name change and RLE which seems to be part of requirements. The new thing is one year and although the level of presenting as my spiritual gender is not like the past, it's still daunting to me.

i started using my name in aa meetings on weds which is Rachel and it is working out for the most part. 

I like the name and so does my sponsor and Electrologist.

I should try and get back to sleep as it is 4 am and I have to get up at 6 but my head is swimming in thoughts right now.

i just need your support on this and perhaps some thoughts of how others got through it.

i have just bought three months of blockers and patches and will continue to use Rachel in meetings etc and proceed with the name change stuff.

Still I am a little scared to be honest but hopeful and excited! Is that willingness? Sounds like it:)

Its not easy but I guess it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy.

Cheers Rachel

[Briana]

Good morning!  I know that "waking up with thoughts swimming in my head" thing all too well.  I think Cyndi gave some real nice advice and I particularly like the comment about "taking time to stop and smell the roses along the way."   Sometimes we get in such a rush to get somewhere, or we over analyze the process that we miss the experience along the way - we forget to enjoy things. 

[Charlize]

I like the name Rachael.  Odd that AA also provided me my first opportunities to be honest about my name in public.  Perhaps it is the need we feel to be honest about our disease and later ourselves as we do the steps.  I found an acceptance there that i didn't feel was possible which helped me to move forward in itself.  I first came to what was then known as Laura's Playground after leaving a meeting as myself(and having to change back before coming into the house).  I couldn't sleep either with all the thoughts in my mind and reached out here as well.  Perhaps the best advice i can give is that which comes from the rooms.  Simply let go and allow your higher power guide you.  This isn't an easy journey but for me it has been beautiful as well.

PS you might want to join us at the Zoom meetings.  The contact information is in the Alcohol Abuse Forum.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Thank you and I managed to sleep an hour which means posting here helped my thoughts to quiet. I realized I should just pray and not get caught up in the conflicting currents of mind.

I see my transition doctor on the 21st again for this matter only..

Presenting more in public will be something I can do in the mean time which I have been doing. 

I should go as I have to work but I have a light load for my deliveries today and a beautiful drive to do them on.

My new meditation practice comes from the book Meditation with Teresa of Avila and although it is very similar in form to what I have been doing before it is where I found some things I had not been aware of.

I played this song for the first time at Granville Island on Tuesday as I am now busking there on weekends and days off.

When my doctor and I were discussing names it was easy for me to be Rachael as you will see if you read the lyrics. The song also came from the meditations in effect.

 

Sisters Of The Dark

 

Sweet love came to visit

In silence I refrain

Long enough to listen.

To find a lonely friend

I can't recall her footsteps

Or how I fell so far

To hold a hand forgiven

My Sister of the Dark

Ch:

Rachael, in her brown eyes

The politics of pain

Dances on her corner

(Where) No audience remains

So naked her companion

A shadow of my heart

At night we dance together

My Sisters of the Dark

Ch:

Rage it fades to colors

And Rachael finds her tears

To smile at all her reasons

The politics of fear.

The Waif crawls up beside us

Two moonbeams and a star

Our love is our companion

True Sisters of the Dark.

Ch;

 

Chorus: (in progress)

When I tried to find myself

Lost as someone else

I lived my life in hiding

At the bottom of my well

 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

After a quick check on line I will be using the Hebrew spelling of Rachel.

[Jani]

I like that spelling as someone in my family has that name.  

13 hours ago, Cerise said:

Still I am a little scared to be honest but hopeful and excited!

The operable point there is that you are hopeful and excited.  That will carry the day for you.  

 

Cheers, 

Jani

[Rachael]

Cerise, Rachel.   I like your choice of names. I came out to my sister and then to a cancer support group I attend. ( i do not have cancer) and have started going more places as Rachael .

I am not far enough on the journey to think about surgery but I do wonder what it would be like. Surgery scares me. 

good luck on your journey. 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

 

i feel in my heart that I am able and will do what's expected of me to get approved for the surgury. It's a fair bit of stuff and I see my hair dresser again tomorrow so I can talk to them about  a look.

Super sleepy more tomorrow as I worked about 15 hours today.

ciao Fer now

 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Today I had my hair cut and it is transgender run by 2 Trans men.

i talked with mine about all the news and it's just so nice to go there and be real in a loving environment.

We asked nd laughed about the process and he give me an awesome cut based on pictures I grabbed off the web.

i think I am finding my strength to continue from talking about it here and even more so with people in the flesh. The new name went over in a wonderful way. 

I also bought my first slip which is in fact my first under shirt I have bought in 40 years.

its not because I wanted to but more about comfort when wearing just a sweater that you don't tuck it.

i will most likely take another stab at the Harvard Sentences and work on my voice

Coming out at work terrifies me and that will come later but at least today I am not acting out in self destructive ways over this ( ie eating trigger foods and recreational shopping )

i still am miffed at the subjectivity over this as in regards to RLE. Who makes up these rules? I mean isn't there already a woman's movement which questions the standardized roles that women are still expected to swallow.

Wearing high heels at work and all the other stuff that women are expected to do.

its amazing in an office when I am trying to get a signature for a delivery how many men pass by me only to get a woman to sign for it.

its nonsense.!!!

However I have come to far, been through enough pain, and taken massive hits financially to back out now .

gotta go .

ciao Fer now.

Rachel

[Charlize]

Reading your post i will agree that being female is a mixed bag.  We do get the short end of the stick to often but then again that has not bothered me in the way i live.  Living as yourself does not necessarily mean wearing heels.  I'm a farmer(and an artist).  I have friends who are truck drivers.  We certainly don't wear heels most of the time.  I also love the fact that i clean up pretty well and when i go out i try to look a bit better.  

This can be a scary process but with small steps i found i could do it over time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Thanks Charlize and I dressed for this evenings meeting as me and it felt great so I do like cleaning up as well!

There were too many men so I left which I do as a matter of course ( I like balance meetings ) but I did have fun before it started, talking to a cis gendered woman friend that I have known for most of my time in the program.

I had already been to a meeting in the afternoon on the east side which for me was way more healing.

One of the topics was Feeling Different and it was good for me as recently I have been thinking that the world is the way it is and it is me who is outside of the bell curve. This is not to say I should live in fear because gender diverse intolerance is the norm but it does mean that I shouldn't get my knickers in a twist ( British Term ) just because middle ground demographics stay stereotypical to their established behavioral profiles.

Which is a long winded way of saying I need to take care of my side and Live and Let Live , emphasis on the Live:)

Much Love and after I take of my old business in regards to paperwork I will start on the name change ... more slogans....First Things First!

Buona Notte.

Rachel

[Guest Rachel Gia]

I am somehow keeping his thread going in ways I never expected.

 

Because of the suggestion from my trans doctor and with the support of my electrologist and others I decided to dress pretty much as myself (ie Rachel) when I busked today with not so much of a hassle or one raised eyebrow. In fact I made a few connections with some of the people who work at Granville Island because I play Country and some Cajun music and I present well.

While I was on break I noticed a text from another trans woman in AA asking if I wanted to speak at a detox panel tonight.

I had texted her my name choice a few days earlier and she asked if I was going to use it on the panel.

In short I did and there were no issues with the detox clients and I made a few connections afterwards. I wa extremely happy it all worked out and now there are 8 people who only know me as Rachel. They know I am trans as that was part of my share.

This is all working out and along with the Cadillac problem of dealing with the acceptance I am still processing how my doctor knew that I wanted to transition more than I was saying.

The fact that she is pushing me to go for what I need and want truly gives me hope for the life I always wanted.

Much Love and thank you all for your support that helped me come so far!!

Rachel

 

[Charlize]

That is wonderful news Rachel.  Speaking honestly at substance abuse meetings has certainly helped me as well.  When i first came out to my cis homegroup many of the folks from a GLBT meeting i had been attending for 2 years came to hear and support me.  It was odd because so many in the crowd only knew me as he while others only knew me as she.  I think i'll always be dealing with acceptance of one thing or another.  Both transition and life can get to me.  I just have to say the serenity prayer and move on.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest Rachel Gia]

[Jani]

10 hours ago, Cerise said:

I am still processing how my doctor knew that I wanted to transition more than I was saying.

The fact that she is pushing me to go for what I need and want truly gives me hope for the life I always wanted.

 

It's interesting that in life we often underestimate how others perceive the things going on in our lives.  Sometimes we are the last to know!  It sounds like you have a good doctor. 

 

Also, that's great that you presented as the real Rachel at Granville Island.  You go girl! 

Jani

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Thanks Jani,
When I saw my doctor last  I had played before just to offset the cash I was missing out on and she saw me in what is basically drag for me, Cowboy male attire plus it was the day before seeing my electrologist so I had 2 and a half days growth going on as well.

I was back peddling big time, telling her I don't normally dress like that which I don't . Anyway it was kind of comedic , which I come by naturally or it just seems to happen to me!

Your are right though, she is a good doctor and I see her a week this Tuesday again to talk in earnest about the next phase of this.

RLE ....shudder;)

[Jani]

Thank you!  You made me smile.  Never backpedal; it's not becoming of a woman!   

 

I wish you were in Montreal rather than Vancouver!  I'd love to hear you play. 

 

Jani

[Guest Rachel Gia]

 

[DaHudie Biz]

I found out what I needed to do in order to train my boobs so I can feel better about myself. I'm also restarting hair removal treatments. What people have aloud me to do for myself I would not think k of doing myself. So I know what you're talking about.

 

Caylah

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hello, and things are still moving along with coming out in my Alanon Group which was just as accepting as my AA group , meaning wonderful.

There have been a few bumps but I can safely say maybe only 2 or 3 people out of the 150 plus who now know me may have issues as whether being Trans is valid or real.

I hesitate to say what it is they have problems with or speak for them as my perceptions my be tinged by fear of not being accepted.I had a backup appointment to talk about surgery in more detail on Nov 21st and I am now waiting for the clinic to phone me in regards to a date.

My new modesty prevents me from discussing the actual details but it will be something I will be happy with and I still have the choice of whether to proceed further as time goes on.

Electrolosis has gone well and this Wednesday my soul patch was removed in what was easily the most soul releasing hour and a half of my life.

It was perhaps the most intimate trusting experiance I have ever had in a way I never anticipated. The area is quite sensitive and each hair is felt and I was giving myself over to this persons care completely. My breath work that I have been doing for more than a decade helped so much and establishing a rythm of exhale and inhale with each extraction ensued.

The upper lip is even more sensitive but from this experiance I now know it will be different than what I have been thinking it would be.

Scheduling the surgery I know will give me some more wind in my sails and pretty much every day I wait for the call from the clinic to set up the day.

In retrospect , transitioning has been giving me what I had hoped for but many aspects have not been something I had thought they would be and others were not even things I had thought of.

i should try and get some sleep as I am doing my usual thing of waking after 3 hours of sleep and then thinking about things when ai should be sleeping.

I am not sure if I posted it in a thread but a Cis gendered male friend of mine asked me if I feel more femine now that I am on hormones and I did not answer his question at the time of being asked but phoned him a bit later after a recent appointment with my transition doctor to tell him I had an answer finally.

i told him that

"I can't really say that hormones have made me feel more feminine because I have never felt masculine."

He said it was a good answer.

Much Love 

Rachel Già.

[Jani]

4 hours ago, Cerise said:

Electrolosis has gone well and this Wednesday my soul patch was removed in what was easily the most soul releasing hour and a half of my life.

What a wonderful way to put it. 

 

Jani

[Charlize]

Thank you for your share Rachel.  I also have times when issues with transition, recovery or simply confronting life will wake me at night.  I've found fairly early in sobriety that The Serenity Prayer can help especially if i end it as it is written in the "12 and 12" with "thy will not mine be done".  Somehow simply realizing that there is nothing i can do about an issue now helps me to let it go.  All the thinking in the world often doesn't make any change in the problem i'm trying to resolve. It just grows bigger in my mind.  Action may take place tomorrow, or not but that's when i'll deal with whatever is bothering me.  Letting go is sometimes  hard but that helps.  I usually sleep better than i ever did when i was drinking.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Guest Rachel Gia]

In regards to the night owl waking up that I do , I told a friend at an AA meeting in the fall that I must like it as , like you wrote , I know how to get back to sleep but sometimes I just reflect. 

Its a peaceful time of the night and most of the city is silent.

I am lucky to live in Kitsialno which is between the downtown core of Vancouver and UBC ( University of British Columbia ) so it's somewhat annexed from the rest Van.

i had one of those nights last night but it was okay as the waking was short and I went to bed at 9ish.

i resolved things like rescheduling some skin care appointment until after my yearly medical with my new doctor in Jan and ignoring my sponsors suggestion to go to Granville Island to busk today. 

I had decided that I was going to confront him on his endless advice giving but my intensity over this issue had lessened after recovering from my cold insted I enlightened him as we had coffee yesterday about how various types of foods affect me emotionally and how important my diet is to my sobriety.

He's a good listener and I will give him that but he left Alanon  after about 9 months so he only got a lick and a promise in regards to the gifts of Alanon Recovery.

i have been sharing about how owning my own stuff and making my own deciisions have been so important  since starting recovery and not letting well meaning sponsors and pushy laser techs coral me into something that's not right i for me at that time and I will wait until it feels good and right.

Thank You Alanon:)

Much Love Rachel