Returning

[KatrinaReann]

 Hi everyone! I haven't been here in a long time. I kind of ran into a lot of road blocks in my desire to transition and needed some time to come to terms with it. It is hard when you are disabled and live on a limited income in our situation. The way I saw it I had two choices. One, fall into a deep depression or two, accept my circumstances and the fact I may never be able to transition. I managed to do the latter thanks to the support of my wife and some brief counseling. And while my hopes were diminished I never gave up hope that maybe one day things would change to where I could pursue my dream to be the woman I feel I am.

 

 Well, things have changed and now the possibility of transitioning exists. I am trying not to get my hopes up too high at this point because I am just taking the first step of the process. It seems that about 3 years ago Illinois Medicaid made some changes with their transgender diagnosis and treatment plans. Which include the possibility of HRT and in some cases SRS! My first thought upon finding this out was finding a Dr that would accept Medicaid for this would be impossible. However, in my research of TG/TS resources I found that Planned Parenthood has a HRT program for the transgender community! At least now I have an avenue to pursue!

 

 I did talk briefly yesterday with the lady that heads up the department in the office right here in my hometown of Pekin. Who by the way is TS herself. She said they could help with about everything on my list. I have to call and make an appointment tomorrow with her office to get some paperwork started. I truly don't know where this road is going to lead. And I am not going to rush into anything blindly. I have a wife, two step daughters, and other family to consider in all this as well. I have talked this over with my wife and she too feels it is something I need to look into. She has seen how I struggle with this day in and day out. And she will be going with me to these office visits.

 

 I am excited for the possibilities in the journey that lies ahead. And if it all falls through at least I know I tried. Never give up hope because things can change and locked doors can open when you least expect them to!

 

                 Hugggsss!!

                 Katrina

 

 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Katrina,

 

Welcome back to our new home, TransPulse. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope all of your dreams come true.

 

MaryEllen

[KatrinaReann]

TY Mary! I noticed the site was wearing a new outfit...lol

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome back, Katrina.  I'm so glad to hear that your dreams are headed towards reality.  We'll be here to help with your journey in any way we can.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[KatrinaReann]

Thanks Carolyn! Just knowing a place and people that understand exists  like here is a help in itself. I have also found a support group in my area called the Peoria Transgender Society. I plan on going to some of those meetings and events as well in the near future. I am amazed at how much has changed in this area for the transgender community in the last 3 or 4 years. I hope these changes are taking place all across this country!

[KatrinaReann]

Well, I called Planned Parenthood today to make an appointment and got disappointing news. Because Medicare is my primary insurance and because they don't cover Transgender related issues I am not eligible for the program. If I was just on Medicaid alone I would be eligible.  So that really sucks and I am very disappointed. But I in a way I was kind of expecting it and didn't get my hopes up too high. I am trying to look at the positives in all this. Things are definitely changing in this state and across the country for the TG community and many new doors are opening up all the time. So I am still trying to hold on to a little hope that maybe one day in the near future the doors will open for me to transition.

 

I do still have a couple options that I may look into very soon. But right now I am going to focus in on dealing with this disappointment and sort out approach looking into my other options. They are slim chances at best. But right now anything is better than nothing. I am glad I came back here though. I forgot just how much support there is here and how great all of you are! So I'll be around and keep putting in my two cents where I feel it can make a difference....Huggsss!

[VickySGV]

It is VERY POSSIBLE to Transition without hormones although they help, but not nearly as much as your attitude about the job ahead.  Many people transition without ever touching hormones and live full and happy lives.  I do agree that things are changing for the better and there will be opportunities opening up. 

[Jani]

Hello Katrina and welcome back.  I was saddened to read of your setback but I believe you made a good choice on focusing on what was real.  As you saw life has a way of circling back to us.  I'm sorry your hope of getting care under Medicare was dashed but there may be other options available to you.   Vicky's last comment is a good assessment.  And her note of your attitude is correct that it will provide you with the strength you need to move forward in whatever direction you choose.   Keep looking for that better day.  It is coming for you!  

 

Jani 

[KatrinaReann]

Thanks to both of you Vicky and Jani for your words of encouragement and suggestions. I know I could transition without hormones.But that just would not be the same. Especially mentally! And that is where my struggle and identity lays. I could put on all the make-up, all the accessories, and all the clothes. But at the end of the night when all that comes off and I am looking in the mirror I still have to deal with the wrong body looking back at me and still deal with all the issues that comes with being TG/TS. Living as a female doesn't change your body, it doesn't change your way of thinking, and it doesn't give you that sense of progress toward a goal when you are in a situation like mine. I don't mean anyone any disrespect when I say these things. It just doesn't work for me.

 

That being said, there are things that I can and am working on that can help me prepare for transitioning once things change some more. voice feminization, hair removal, preparing my loved ones, ect...There was some positives that came from this brief, little experience. I got hooked up with a local TG/TS support group. One of which was the head of the TG Planned Parenthood program in this area. Who, I might add, played the major part in getting medicaid in this state changed to deal with TG healthcare. These are all very positive things!

 

It would be easy for me to focus on the negative things on this short, little journey I just took in a matter of 2 or 3 days. The door to becoming the physical woman I feel I am is not open to me right now. Yes, it is disappointing! Very disappointing! But I refuse to get down and wallow in self pity! Or say, Woe is me! Because, things are changing for the TG community. And they are changing for the positive! Faster than I have ever seen in my 55 years in this world. I don't maybe I spent a few other years on another planet in a prior life or something...lol (jk"'ng). These changes are giving me more hope than ever before that the doors will be blown open not just for me, but for everyone in the TG community, to achieve their ultimate goal of becoming their true self. MTF, FTM, something in between, it doesn't matter. Everyone should and does have the right to be true to themselves!

 

Maybe it will happen in my life (I sure hope the like he** that it does) and maybe it won't (Which would be a huge disappointment). But regardless, I refuse to give up on hope. There may be times that I have to step back from everyone and everything to regather my thoughts, to think of a new path, to keep researching, and going through every last resource I can to make the inner me and the outer me match, then I will do that! I refuse to give up on hope, even if it means I will never see my end goal but maybe others will see their end goal of being who they truly are. I will never give up hope or give up on fighting for myself or those like me.

 

Wow! I don't know where all that came from...lol...but I sure needed to hear that!!! Guess I was preaching to myself, didn't mean to offend anyone.

Huggsss!!

Katrina

 

[Charlize]

Welcome back Katrina.  I remember a time when i was living as a female and hadn't started HRT.  I agree that it was hard to see myself in the mirror at night before i went to bed.  I had trouble getting HRT due to health issues even though i could afford it.  I still felt the need to be myself and found some relief each day as i went out into the world.  When i did finally get clearance and found a doctor who would help me i started HRT.  My surgical options have also been limited but i'm glad i went forward and made a start.  I remember feeling how fortunate i felt when i finally got to have HRT.  For centuries trans* folks had lived as themselves facing themselves in the mirror.  My health hasn't improved.  I may have another heart attack and if i survive it may well be that i'll have to go without again.  

We are all different in what we can accept.  I certainly feel the feelings you do. It's just not an easy path.

 Please don't give up hope.  Your certainly not alone.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Katrina,

I am so sorry for your disappointment. Perhaps the only consolation I can really give is to say that the more difficult it is to achieve our goals, the more satisfying it will be when we do.

 

I believe in the future. I live in a traditionally conservative and trans unfriendly area, but even here I have seen such change in just a few years. Our time is coming! I do believe that. I believe that the current political climate of ignorance is their last battle shriek on the path of retreat. They can't win. Things will get better and doors will open. Hope is on our side!

 

We all know the pain looking in the mirror brings. Some feel it more intensely that others. I have not medically transitioned, and I hate my reflection when not dressed as me. At least I am able to accept that I am Carla no matter how I'm dressed. I do all I can to feel better about myself, even if just a little it helps. While I have silicone forms for daily use, I also have foam forms for when I sleep. I also where an old wig to bed. And of course a nighty. And I focus on what I can do today, and what I have done rather than on what I wish I could do. I transition in the area's that I'm able to (mostly socially). By focusing on this, I feel I am moving ahead in some way anyway.

 

The transgender path is not an easy one to walk, but walk it we must. Yes, there is pain, but there is also joy. As best as I'm able, I try to focus on the joy, and on the love in my heart!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[KatrinaReann]

Thanks Charlize and Timber. I am sorry Charlize that you have had all those health issues on top of having to deal with all the issues that come with transitioning and being true to yourself. I too have some health issues that may interfere with taking hormones. But I have never gotten far enough down the path to worry  about it. I don't like crossing bridges before I get to them...lol

 

I hear what you are saying Timber. I guess the thing that helps me most is the fact that I have an understanding and accepting wife. I walk around the house wearing women's clothes with my breast forms almost all the time. I don't always have a wig or make up on because that is just a lot of work...lol.  Like you Timber, I try to focus on the good things as well.

 

Thanks again to both of you!

Huggsss!

 

[April]

Katrina,

 

   May I ask is that picture in your profile a picture of you. If so you are very beautiful and I would say you are the woman you are to be. Seems all you are missing is the hormones of a female. But does the hormones make you a female or is it something else. If it your belief you need the hormones to be female and you are having the problems where you getting them have thought about moving to some place else or going a different route to get them.

 

April

[Nora Kayte]

Ok I’m confused. Although Medicare is not my primary it is my secondary, I have done research on the subject because just Incase I was separated from my wife Medicare would be my only insurance. And from what I read Medicare covers transgender related medications and procedures. Granted getting the coverage to work correctly is challenging at times. But my reading says at minimum HRT would be covered. 

[KatrinaReann]

3 hours ago, April said:

Katrina,

 

   May I ask is that picture in your profile a picture of you. If so you are very beautiful and I would say you are the woman you are to be. Seems all you are missing is the hormones of a female. But does the hormones make you a female or is it something else. If it your belief you need the hormones to be female and you are having the problems where you getting them have thought about moving to some place else or going a different route to get them.

 

April

No hun, lol, that's is just an avatar I downloaded from somewhere. I don't have any good pictures of myself to share. They are all very dark and grainy.

 

And its not that the hormones make you female. By that I mean in your mind. In my opinion, one already is born male or female in their brain and in their heart regardless of which genitalia they are at birth. Hormones do change the body and helps one emotional well being to swing more to ones true gender. So it affects are felt and seen  physically, emotionally, and mentally. At least that is what I understand from my research on it. 

 

I am female, even though the wrong body stares back at me from my reflection in the mirror. It is my reflection in the mirror that I have issues with. It is what lays beneath all the make the make-up, the wig, the feminine clothes, the fake boobs, ect that bothers me. Do you understand? Those things aren't real. If I were taking hormones my body, heart, and mind would start to come into better alignment of my true gender which is female. I would feel much more like I am progressing toward my goal.  Yes there are some things I can and am working on. Voice, walk, mannerisms, body hair removal, ect...But at this point I still feel like a female trapped in a male body. And for me even if I were to live out the rest of my life as a female without any HRT or SRS I would still feel like a female trapped in the wrong body. And even if could never have the SRS  the hormones would at  least lessen that sense of feeling so trapped. Because the reflection in the mirror looking back at me when I stand naked before it would be showing more of the woman I know I am.

 

I would love to move to a different area of the country where there was more resources but the cost of living in those areas is much higher than where we live now.  Me and my wife barely make make it here where the costing of living is much cheaper.And as far as going a different route to get hormones, there is only two ways to get them. The responsible way under a Dr's care or the irresponsible way on the black market or some other illegal way without Dr's care. I choose the responsible way.

 

Hope this helps you April to understand where I am coming from.And thanks for the questions.

Huggsss

Katrina

 

[KatrinaReann]

Just now, Nora Kayte said:

Ok I’m confused. Although Medicare is not my primary it is my secondary, I have done research on the subject because just Incase I was separated from my wife Medicare would be my only insurance. And from what I read Medicare covers transgender related medications and procedures. Granted getting the coverage to work correctly is challenging at times. But my reading says at minimum HRT would be covered. 

It  depends on what Part and Plan your Medicare is. I am part A and B. I am disabled not retired. I don't pay for my Medicare, my medicaid pays that. Medicare will not pay for any Transgender healthcare for me. Medicaid  got to pick my Medicare Plan because Medicaid has to pay the premium on it  and cover all cost that Medicare doesn't cover.

 

You had other options in picking your plan and probably have part D as well. And that is probably where the coverage differs between you and me. I hope it all works out for you Nora! This is some good information for others that are in similar situations as ours. Thanks for bringing it up.

Huggsss!!

 

 

[KatrinaReann]

29 minutes ago, KatrinaReann said:

It  depends on what Part and Plan your Medicare is. I am part A and B. I am disabled not retired. I don't pay for my Medicare, my medicaid pays that. Medicare will not pay for any Transgender healthcare for me. Medicaid  got to pick my Medicare Plan because Medicaid has to pay the premium on it  and cover all cost that Medicare doesn't cover.

 

You had other options in picking your plan and probably have part D as well. And that is probably where the coverage differs between you and me. I hope it all works out for you Nora! This is some good information for others that are in similar situations as ours. Thanks for bringing it up.

Huggsss!!

 

 

Some or maybe even all  of what I said may be incorrect.  Some things have changed in the last 3 or 4 years. And I am finding some of the things Nora mentioned. https://transequality.org/know-your-rights/medicare I apologize Nora. I have to look more into this and make some calls in the next few days. I did not mean to mislead anyone.....Please accept my full apology!!

[Nora Kayte]

You are in Illinois? If I am right are you close to Chicago? Forgive me. My geography is not good. If your close or if it’s doable have you tried Howard Brown. I know they have a sliding scale. If your income is like mine you have none, so it might be cheap enough.

 

 I don’t know too much about them but I have researched a lot. And came across them before. When I was putting to gether a transgender friendly website a while back but I had no help and it went under. But I know or can find a lot of resources sometimes. 

 

Sucks being disabled and trans sometimes. That’s for sure. My disability keeps me from marrying my wife. I can’t or I would lose my benefits. We call each other husband and wife. But it took me 7 years of research and I found a doctor who might be able to fix my foot and get me working again. So never give up. Wow. I just realized. If I go back to work and I get off disability I can marry my partner. 

[Nora Kayte]

Just now, KatrinaReann said:

Some or maybe even all  of what I said may be incorrect.  Some things have changed in the last 3 or 4 years. And I am finding some of the things Nora mentioned. https://transequality.org/know-your-rights/medicare I apologize Nora. I have to look more into this and make some calls in the next few days. I did not mean to mislead anyone.....Please accept my full apology!!

No need to apologize. Lol. We are all learning this together. I was going to suggest the transgender law center to check out too. They might be able to help. Or at least clear up what we read about the laws and coverage. 

[KatrinaReann]

Me and my wife are not legally married either for the same reason. We are both disabled. I am SSDI she is straight SSI and she would lose over half of what she gets.

 

I live in the Peoria area. About 3 hours from Chicago and drive a 28 year old that I don't trust to make repeated trips that far. It's falling apart!

 

Yes it does suck being disabled and Trans. I have several health issues that prevent me from working.

 

[KatrinaReann]

Just now, Nora Kayte said:

No need to apologize. Lol. We are all learning this together. I was going to suggest the transgender law center to check out too. They might be able to help. Or at least clear up what we read about the laws and coverage. 

You know what that might be a good idea for both of us to look into Nora.

[Nora Kayte]

1 hour ago, KatrinaReann said:

Me and my wife are not legally married either for the same reason. We are both disabled. I am SSDI she is straight SSI and she would lose over half of what she gets.

 

I live in the Peoria area. About 3 hours from Chicago and drive a 28 year old that I don't trust to make repeated trips that far. It's falling apart!

 

Yes it does suck being disabled and Trans. I have several health issues that prevent me from working.

 

Ouch. 3 hours. I swear. Doctors should be able to skype consultations or something. I’ve seen therapists do it. I am truly blessed I only have to drive an hour to see my doctor. And my Pharmacy sends the meds in the mail. 

 

All my my issues are arthritis but in every part of the body. Hands feet back legs shoulders. Lol. I actually used my disability as an excuse not to transition for a while. 

[KatrinaReann]

1 hour ago, Nora Kayte said:

Ouch. 3 hours. I swear. Doctors should be able to skype consultations or something. I’ve seen therapists do it. I am truly blessed I only have to drive an hour to see my doctor. And my Pharmacy sends the meds in the mail. 

 

All my my issues are arthritis but in every part of the body. Hands feet back legs shoulders. Lol. I actually used my disability as an excuse not to transition for a while. 

I have it to, in all my joints.My hands and wrists are the worst though. I am always dropping and breaking crap because I just can't grip things anymore. I also have Sciatica, Bipolar Disorder, and Diabetes.

 

Sara, I have a link here to the actual CMS/Medicare page itself that explains The Transgender Healthcare coverage.   https://www.cms.gov/medicare-coverage-database/details/nca-decision-memo.aspx?NCAId=282

Don't know if you have seen it or not. But you were definetly right in your understanding of it.