How masculine am I?

[clockworkdragon]

Hey guys, first post and all that. 

 

I'm having a bit of a crisis recently, I think I might be overthinking things. I keep mounting lists of evidence of gender, as if I can logic myself into an answer.

 

Since I was little, I never wanted to do anything girly. I wasn't into sports so much, and I never understood girls; they didn't like me and I didn't like them, until I hit puberty and started to like them. I'm bisexual for sure, and my teen years, looking back, seem much more indicative of a teenage boy than a teenage girl: I pursued ladies, made a fool out of myself (I wrote bad poetry and everything), and delighted in shocking people and pressuring them in the hopes they'd date me (I uh, I wasn't a great person back then). I wanted to join the boy scouts when I was small, and refused to join the girl scouts. I sometimes masturbate to fantasies or participate in bdsm fantasy scenes where I'm a boy/have a penis. I find myself jealous of people who have penises, I frequently dislike my breasts, and I have never liked my hair more than when I started cutting it short. I wear men's clothing to work, and I like crossplay (cosplay mixed with crossdressing).

 

But on the other hand, I'm a nerd, and lot of nerd girls are more masculine than non-nerd girls. When I date men I like to be protected and fought for. I am terrible at makeup but I like wearing it sometimes, especially lipstick. I like to wear dresses when I do steampunk, and I like how pretty it makes me feel. I have sexual fantasies in which I'm a girl as well, and the majority of my bdsm fantasy scenes have me cast as female. I sometimes like my breasts, though I do usually wish they were a tad smaller, since they're kind of a pain in the butt. I'm sensitive and nurturing and altruistic. And it's never bothered me to be called she/her offline. (Please use he/him here, though). 

 

Recently, offline, I've started going by a nickname instead of my real name, which I've always hated. Now it bothers me to be called by my real first name, just this little twinge of negative emotion whenever I hear it. I'm worried if I do any more social transitioning I'll just make things worse. I got a binder, but it doesn't fit right, so I don't wear it often. I don't want T or surgery or anything. But I can't seem to leave this alone and stop thinking about it. It's triggering a ton of anxiety for me and I just want an answer. Am I a transman? A demiboy? Non-binary? Agendered? A non-conforming demigirl? Or just a tomboy? Are there any answers out there? What do I do? 

[MaryEllen]

Hello Clockworkdragon,

 

Welcome to TransPulse.   Thank you for sharing with us. Your dilemma is common to a good many of us. What the heck am I anyway?  My answer is, I can be anything that I want at any given time If I want to be girly, that's what I do. If I want to be manly, I can do that too. Or anything in between for that matter. Stop obsessing over who or what you are and just be yourself. 

I would ask, are you seeing a gender therapist?  If not, I would advise you to see one. He/she can help guide you toward the answers you seek. Have you joined the chat here?  Most of the mods there are trained counselors and could help you find answers. Wouldn't hurt to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good luck.  

 

MaryEllen

[clockworkdragon]

I'm not seeing a gender therapist at the moment. I'm in regular therapy and family therapy, so adding more appointments seems onerous at this point. I haven't joined the chat yet, that sounds more useful though. 

[Charlize]

Welcome Clockworkdragon.   It sounds to me that you are doing pretty well at being yourself.  I think we often push ourselves to try to conform to some kind of societal "norm".  When i first transitioned i did my best to live simply as a female.  Fairly soon i found that i still enjoyed and wanted to do many of the things i had enjoyed as a male.  At times i get a huge kick out of being well dressed in a skirt and climbing down from our dump truck. Somewhere along the line i've found a way to accept i'm simply myself.  

I wonder if you are able to bring these feelings up with your present therapist as well.  Being here, sharing and reading the shares of others as well as speaking honestly to my therapist has helped in finding the acceptance i mentioned above.

Glad you've joined us.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[clockworkdragon]

Thanks. I have mentioned some of this to my therapist, she advised trying not to obsess and just kind of letting this happen naturally. Except, you know, easier said than done lol. I keep wanting to apply the technique where I look for evidence for and against these beliefs about myself and uh. I just end up more confused. I think I'm definitely trans* though? And probably non-binary? Ish? I keep coming back to the oft-repeated advice: if I keep obsessing over my gender, I'm probably not cis. 

[JJ]

It isn't easy stepping out of the norm and we get so many messages about what women are and men are and all implying we should fit into one or the other.

But the truth is sometimes we don't fit, or we have to give ourselves permission to just be whatever or whoever we are and let it develop as expectat o ns and socialization fall away. Those messages start in the cradle and they go deep.

The truth is that you don't have to chosr. You don't have to wear a label or fit any stereotype.

That is a very liberating thing, but also a frightening one because we can't fall back on predetermined roles and paths but have to find our own way. It might help if there are trans friendly LGBT groups in your area you could make contact with. Sometimes just interacting with others gives us a much better idea of who we are than going in circles trying to figure it out.

Bottom line is that whatever you are is just you. And it's okay. Maybe not always easy. Maybe perplexing to the cis people around you. But okay.

For myself I thought I was a boy when I was little and always still identified male deep inside. But I also thought I was part female and that I would never transition due to my age and discomfort with the idea of packing and binding, etc. But once I gave myself permission to feel anything I felt I realized more and more that I was and had always been a man rather than a woman with a man's mind. I transitioned 7 years ago and am binary male. It's right for me and I'm whole as I never was before. It may be very different for you, but if you are open to where the path leads you don't know where you'll end up. Except that it will be right and authentic for you.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi There

Although Trans is kind of the buzzword that is getting all the focus, Non Binary is a demographic that I find a large amount of people are identifying as.

I might identify as trans but when I am talking to people outside of the queer community and I want to convey where I am at I will usually say that I am part of the non binary crowd.

A lot of these words were not around a while ago so what night have meant one thing 10 years ago , that words meaning has been modified as new terms arise.

I recently read that the writer of Whipping Girl takes credit for popularizing "Cis Gender".

That is most likely true as she is a evolutionary biologist.

 

"cis¹

sis/

adjective

Chemistry

adjective: cis

1. denoting or relating to a molecular structure in which two particular atoms or groups lie on the same side of a given plane in the molecule, in particular denoting an isomer in which substituents at opposite ends of a carbon–carbon double bond are on the same side of the bond."

[clockworkdragon]

I found a new blog today and one of the recent posts really resonated with the thinking I was doing about this thread. It's a religious blog, but if you don't mind religious language, I think this is the kind of thing you're trying to tell me to do? 

 

https://maxgoesgodless.wordpress.com/2018/02/04/i-am-that-i-am-we-are-so-much-more-than-what-people-think-of-us/

 

This is the quote that stood out to me:

 

Quote

It’s a pretty badass story. Moses asks God what name he should call him by to his people. God says, “I am who I am.” I used to find this so confusing and mysterious, but now, as an unbeliever, I actually find it awesome. God didn’t define himself. He said, I am that I am. I am who I am.

 

[MarcieMarie12]

I wondered that myself for some time. It took me spending some time as a female to realize I did not want to go back to being "him". I would say, if you are happy switching between the two go for it. Being non-binary does not make you any less trans than somebody that is binary. Be you, if you think you want to be more masculine some days and more feminine on others, go for it.  Be yourself first-that is the most important, the label  in the end is just a descriptor and they don't always fit neatly.

 

PS: I love steam punk and am a fan of the Girl Genius webcomic and others of that genre. Have not done cosplay though. 

[clockworkdragon]

Yeah, steampunk is great. I'd share pics if they weren't tied to my other online identities lol

[Leo S.]

I think some things that are worth considering are 1. Guys can like typically feminine things without being girls. For more on that particular subject I'd recommend reading up on a subject called toxic masculinity (Not what you'd think), because I know it helped me a lot with confusion on that issue. 2. Not all trans guys fantasize about themselves as "male" all the time, we were raised to think of ourselves as female (Which isn't a mindset that disappears overnight even if you're trans) and generally don't have the same equipment as cis guys to work with... It makes sense that trans guys might view themselves as "the female" in fantasies sometimes. Personally, I'm guilty of looking up cis straight porn just because I want to see PIV sex. Ain't nothin' wrong with using what you got! And 3. Not all trans people (Even the binary kind) want surgery and/or hormones. It's a personal choice unique to each individual.

 

Ultimately though, you don't have to call yourself anything you're not sure fits. Try asking yourself what you want before you ask yourself who you are... Because once you figure that out, the rest tends to fall into place quite easily.

[clockworkdragon]

Hmm ,you know that's true, if any of my cismen friends or lovers were into makeup or were sensitive I wouldn't think they were too girly, but when it's me it feels like a strike against being masculine... 

[clockworkdragon]

Okay so an update: I Googled a gender therapist, then freaked out a bit and didn't call. But I have her number! I just need to be brave enough for like ten minutes to make an appointment. Maybe after work today I will call.

[SugarMagnolia]

Be brave, Dragon!

And remember that gender therapists are there only to HELP you. I know it's scary to call and say what you want and why, but it's a super important step forward. You can do this! 

It was also hard for me to call and to open up at first, but having someone to help me process all the things I'm going through is fantastic. It's something that I look forward to and enjoy now. Chin up!
 

 

[clockworkdragon]

I did the thing!!

 

So I finally talked to a gender therapist. She said it sounds like I am non-binary; she agreed it sounds like my story doesn't match the sorts of things binary transmen say, but there's something going on. She stressed that I don't have to change anything, and suggested my desire for a penis might be a sex thing, so I should probably experiment with a strap on and see how that feels. I am a pretty complicated person and this was only the initial session so we will see how things develop; I have a next appointment scheduled in a fortnight. But overall I feel relieved. 

[VickySGV]

I pal around with a group of Non Binary types who are out and comfortable with themselves, the major features they have in common are big happy grins and bright and alive eyes!! 

[clockworkdragon]

Yeah I'm not exactly big happy grin or bright alive eyes or nothing. But I'm working on it. 

[Jani]

We look for validation points along the way to make us feel a little better about our choices.  Obviously we know what is right for us, but it is nice to hear it from others.  

 

Jani