Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

J_S

Confused and don't know what to do...

Recommended Posts

J_S

Hey... made one post a few months back, and got some helpful insight and I'm really grateful for it. But at the moment, I haven't been able to see my new school therapist because of scheduling issues, and I'm unsure who to go to. So I've been questioning since last September because I've always had this recurring question of "What if I was born a girl instead of a guy" ever since I can remember. The reason I started exploring is that I had both time, and realized that not everyone thinks like this. I've been out dressed (with a friend so I felt safe) more fem, with breast forms, more fem make-up, at an outfest, and felt so nice, confident, and happier with my body. Not only that, but the few friends I have trusted this secret to say I pass w/o hormones or surgery. Moreso recently, every time when I know I can stay in my room in my apartment w/o having to worry about my roommates, I wear my breastforms and I feel so much better with myself, and now I'm actually having trouble sleeping w/o them on. But, some other days I feel ok with my body as is... I have no idea what I am, how I'm supposed to feel, and It's actually making it hard to focus on other things like homework. I'm also terrified that this might be a phase (NOT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A PHASE FOR EVERYONE OR ANYONE BUT THE WAY IM TREATING IT FOR MYSELF I DONT KNOW) or if I'm fantasizing it, and I'm kind of scared to move forward not knowing if it is or not. I need help, insight, anything... someone to talk to, advice, literally anything. 

I started keeping a journal, but thats only slightly helping... and I dont know what other info to say/what to ask for/what I am.

Share this post


Link to post
VickySGV
33 minutes ago, J_S said:

I have no idea what I am, how I'm supposed to feel,

 

I think I know what you mean here, but I will give the first big answer, that you feel how YOU do and the feelings you have are real as to yourself.  Feelings are good bad or in the middle, but they are not right feelings or wrong feelings, just feelings.  There is no one set of feelings that nails down how a bonafide, 100% <anything in the Trans spectrum> is going to feel.  My personal take is that if you are questioning your gender then you are NOT cis-gender, you are some part of the Trans umbrella but it will take time (50 years in my case) and that is fine since all of us here can tell that story.

 

33 minutes ago, J_S said:

I'm also terrified that this might be a phase

 

This may sound smartaleck, but Gender Dysphoria as with other letters of the LGBTQ* community is not a phase. IT IS A LIFE SENTENCE WITHOUT POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE so do not worry that you are doing something wrong or stepping on the toes of those of us who know full well what we are today.  We were in your shoes a few years ago but are here for you today.,

 

If dressing up makes you feel good, get rid of the guilt for enjoying it.  You are just as weird as any person alive, but when dressed you are a happy weird person, and that is what counts.  Some people may claim you are hurting them, but that is not your problem to deal with.  For now, keep calm until you get a chance to see the therapist who will tell you some of what I just did, and get yourself in here reading and talking with the rest of us.  Don't be a stranger any more. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Timber Wolf

Hi J_S,

It can be easy to fear this could be just a phase. We wonder, "What if I start really doing something about this and it suddenly ends?" We forget to think about how we've had these feelings and questions for years and they have not ended. They might abate for a while, but they keep coming back.

 

You're still young in life. I've lived a few more years and have spent many of those years trying to bury all this and convince myself that it is just a phase. In the end it didn't work. I'm not going through a phase.

 

Something that can make it difficult to understand ourselves is that there aren't just 2 or 3 catagories of us that we can peg ourselves into. Transgender is a wide spectrum. Therapy can really help here. You said you were in school. I don't know if it's high school or college, but you mentioned an apartment with room mates, but if I remember correctly, you also mentioned needing parental approval for counselling or therapy in you previous post. If there is any way you can see a gender therapist, it would probably help.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

Share this post


Link to post
DenimAndLace
6 hours ago, J_S said:

I'm also terrified that this might be a phase... or if I'm fantasizing it, and I'm kind of scared to move forward not knowing if it is or not. I need help, insight, anything... someone to talk to, advice, literally anything.

 

So-what if it IS a phase?  You feel better when you wear the forms and clothes so wear them!  You like being identified in public as a woman so do it!  You like wearing makeup?  Then wear it.  Be proud of who you are and stop being ashamed about it.  You.  Are.  Just.  Fine - just-as-you-are.  If or when the day comes that you're no longer interested in wearing these items, stop.  If or when the day comes that you are confident in your gender, be that gender.  If you want to try a new name, ask your friends to call you something else (you don't have to officially change it).  If your gut tells you to try hormones, give them a try (you CAN stop if you don't like them).  When you have reconciled your gender (even if it takes half you lifetime) you can take whatever steps YOU see fit at THAT time.  You aren't crossing a one way bridge; you're exploring a new world.  Just be YOU and bless the world with your individuality.  You are beautiful!!!!  :)

Share this post


Link to post
SugarMagnolia

I love that, @DenimAndLace. What a great positive encouraging message! And one that everyone needs to hear more often. Thank you!

J_S:
Denim, TimberWolf and Vicky said it better than I could, and they're right. Give yourself permission to explore, to try new things, new ways of being and envisioning yourself!

Hugs, 
Julie

Share this post


Link to post
MarcieMarie12

J_S. , I always thought it was just a phase. I thought it was going to go away as I matured. Quite the opposite happened. By the time I hit my 40's it came back with a vengence. It did not go away. My dysphoria got so bad there was no other choice except transition. 

 

Do you want to go back to being "him"? That's the question I asked myself, and in being honest with myself the answer is no.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 11 Guests (See full list)

    • OlyVersion1
    • VickySGV
    • AsTheCrow
    • Julie J
    • SugarMagnolia
    • Martyn
  • Who Was Online

    103 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • OlyVersion1
    • VickySGV
    • AsTheCrow
    • Julie J
    • SugarMagnolia
    • Martyn
    • Rachael
    • Rowan
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Charlize
    • MaryMary
    • Jani
    • Evans
    • MaryEllen
    • Cluck1992
    • CyndiRae
    • Jean.S
    • Kris
    • ChelseaAnn
    • just_me
    • stbSusan
    • KoreyA
    • ChickenLittle
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • Natalie86
    • conner
    • JJ
    • Anna75
    • MadMadhatter
    • Tommyftm
    • Jocelyn
    • DenimAndLace
    • Zavida
    • Cthorne
    • MarcieMarie12
    • MarvellousMattie
    • Sharon Aml
    • Dakota16
    • Snow Princess Sophie
    • Timber Wolf
    • Kirsten
    • Petra Jane
    • Marbabar
    • Queenie
    • Laxmi Siriwat
    • JD
    • Terry
    • Roberta-Belinda
    • BrandiBri
    • muqdishaawi
    • Paul Rankeillor
    • TheJudeResistance
    • Clara84
    • Sandra6sandy9sand
    • jo jo
    • KymmieL
    • Cela
    • Maid In Bedlam
    • Noelia6
    • EnbieCutie
    • jae bear
    • Jojo
    • DrumbeatAlex
    • KeiraC
    • ejen
    • Janeshannon
    • doni
    • tracy_j
    • PaulaPlaytex
    • Emilio
    • samuel
    • claire1000
    • gski
    • Annie
    • Xavier/Aria
    • Lizzie McTrucker
    • Amy joey
    • Luna L
    • Abigail3051
    • Lauryn Michelle
    • Avra
    • Erika_E
    • Dev
    • Carly murr
    • Elyssia
    • Miae_Flame
    • Naomi Knowles
    • Ravin
    • Leo ray
    • Lina
    • Cmattison
    • Jill55
    • JBfox
    • Willow
    • Laura Beth
    • Sydneyblue
    • April
    • Myka.L
    • Briana
    • 001dmc23
    • Connor_isnt.ok
    • Cheyenne skye
    • Casi
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      65,770
    • Total Posts
      594,923
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      3,499
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Evans
    Newest Member
    Evans
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • SugarMagnolia
      My wife's family has been visiting for a few weeks and we've recently been at the Northern California coast for the last few days. I let my wife's brother know that I was trans two days ago and he was very supportive. He also asked if I would tell his kids, my niece and nephew (11 and 13) so that no one would have to keep any secrets.   I talked to my niece when we were out for a walk and she was fine with it, even a little happy since I think she felt special to have someone share a secret with her, and we have good connection with each other.

      Later, in the house, with my wife's sister, her brother and my niece, I told my nephew.

      Me: blah blah blah, so it's important that I let you know that I'm trans
      Nephew:  Really?
      Me: Yes...it's something I've always known...blah blah blah
      Nephew: (thinking for a few seconds)
                       OK (gets back on his device to look at stuff)
      We started chatting among ourselves again until a minute or two later...
        Nephew: I can't believe this is happening! How did I not know about this?
      (silence)
      Me: What? Nephew: They're going to make new seasons of the Star Wars Clone Wars cartoon! This is the best day of my life!   It kind of put things in perspective for me. 😂 Our transitions are important to us, but there are more important things in a galaxy far, far away!

      My description probably doesn't do it justice but it seriously made me laugh out loud for quite a while!

      Julie
    • Charlize
      Welcome Natalie.  You are certainly not alone.  We are blessed today to be able to be open and share with others who understand and are living a similar reality. Glad you've joined us.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Charlize
      Hi Julie i'm glad you've joined us here.  I was 63 when i went full time so i know how great it feels to know who i am regardless of how i had to present.  Today i can't see myself going back to pretending.  i'm simply enjoying living my life as myself. Let us know how it goes.  The support i found here and from other trans friends helped me a great deal(and still does).   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Jani
      Yes you're correct.  My electrologist has said you have to catch them at the right time.  Which is why I have a regular weekly appointment.   At first it seemed like everything was growing back but eventually the time on the table paid off as the hairs got finer and then were banished.   
        I've joked that its like B D S M without the B!      Hang in there.  No one promised this was easy! 

      Jani    
    • Charlize
      Oly, i reread the poem you posted earlier.  I know things may seem impossible at this point but that is only temporary.  The fact that someone saw a scar may well be an opportunity to ask to get some help from a medical professional who can help you deal with life's difficulties.  You don't have to be specific about the why's to a family member.   I was very self destructive for years but that has passed and life is generally really good.  I got professional help and also spent time here seeing how others were dealing with similar problems. You might want to post an introduction in that forum.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Jani
      Julie I'm glad you're on your journey and have joined us.  Many of us here started later in life.     This is good!     Jani
    • Jani
      That's one reason why this forum exists.  You are among friends and can be yourself here.   Jani 
    • Jani
      Dakota I would speak with the pharmacy manager or head pharmacist the next time you are in the store, whether or not you have a script to be picked up.  She obviously breached the level of confidence and privacy you are owed.     Jani
    • VickySGV
      The truth that they need to know is that you did it in reaction to a stressful set of situations that you are discussing with competent medical personnel who are helping you to get out of the stress, and trying to help keep you safe.  You will tell them more of the story when the real root of the problem is better known, and when your medical team thinks you are ready.   If they go snooping further, shut up and get away from them. 
    • Rachael
      Take care of yourself. Other than lots of water like others have already said. If I am hot and sweating cold or ice water can really make me sick. Anymore I pretty much drink room temperature water except in restaurants with food. good luck with the meds. 
    • Rachael
      Sorry to hear you had a bad experience.  When I picked up my first prescription only the spiro made it, the doctor sent the other one and I went back in a few minutes. The pharmacist said oh they found the other one let’s see what you got, she pulls it out of the bag and looked at it then me and in a quiet voice leaned across the counter said this is, this is estrogen is that what you were expecting I replied yes. I thought she handeled it well.  Hope it gets better for you. 
    • ChickenLittle
      My partner manages a bunch of pharmacies in CA and I know if one of his pharmacists did that he'd want to know and be sure to talk to them about how to talk with trans patients (hint: it's with the same respect for privacy you give all your patients). So if you are upset enough to want to write a note to the store, I think that would be totally appropriate. 
    • OlyVersion1
      One of my family members saw where I cut myself, and I don’t really know how to explain to them why I did it, because I am not out to them yet. What can I say to them?
    • VickySGV
      This is mild compared to what could have gone on thankfully. It could be a training issue too.  The "on lable" use of Spiro is more common.  She now belongs to the 16% of people who know they have met a Trans person. She needs to be aware of her awesome new status.You aer understandably miffed however.  
    • Julie J
      Thanks Julie.  Keep smiling Julie 
  • Upcoming Events

×