Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!


Confused and don't know what to do...

Recommended Posts


Hey... made one post a few months back, and got some helpful insight and I'm really grateful for it. But at the moment, I haven't been able to see my new school therapist because of scheduling issues, and I'm unsure who to go to. So I've been questioning since last September because I've always had this recurring question of "What if I was born a girl instead of a guy" ever since I can remember. The reason I started exploring is that I had both time, and realized that not everyone thinks like this. I've been out dressed (with a friend so I felt safe) more fem, with breast forms, more fem make-up, at an outfest, and felt so nice, confident, and happier with my body. Not only that, but the few friends I have trusted this secret to say I pass w/o hormones or surgery. Moreso recently, every time when I know I can stay in my room in my apartment w/o having to worry about my roommates, I wear my breastforms and I feel so much better with myself, and now I'm actually having trouble sleeping w/o them on. But, some other days I feel ok with my body as is... I have no idea what I am, how I'm supposed to feel, and It's actually making it hard to focus on other things like homework. I'm also terrified that this might be a phase (NOT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A PHASE FOR EVERYONE OR ANYONE BUT THE WAY IM TREATING IT FOR MYSELF I DONT KNOW) or if I'm fantasizing it, and I'm kind of scared to move forward not knowing if it is or not. I need help, insight, anything... someone to talk to, advice, literally anything. 

I started keeping a journal, but thats only slightly helping... and I dont know what other info to say/what to ask for/what I am.

Share this post

Link to post
33 minutes ago, J_S said:

I have no idea what I am, how I'm supposed to feel,


I think I know what you mean here, but I will give the first big answer, that you feel how YOU do and the feelings you have are real as to yourself.  Feelings are good bad or in the middle, but they are not right feelings or wrong feelings, just feelings.  There is no one set of feelings that nails down how a bonafide, 100% <anything in the Trans spectrum> is going to feel.  My personal take is that if you are questioning your gender then you are NOT cis-gender, you are some part of the Trans umbrella but it will take time (50 years in my case) and that is fine since all of us here can tell that story.


33 minutes ago, J_S said:

I'm also terrified that this might be a phase


This may sound smartaleck, but Gender Dysphoria as with other letters of the LGBTQ* community is not a phase. IT IS A LIFE SENTENCE WITHOUT POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE so do not worry that you are doing something wrong or stepping on the toes of those of us who know full well what we are today.  We were in your shoes a few years ago but are here for you today.,


If dressing up makes you feel good, get rid of the guilt for enjoying it.  You are just as weird as any person alive, but when dressed you are a happy weird person, and that is what counts.  Some people may claim you are hurting them, but that is not your problem to deal with.  For now, keep calm until you get a chance to see the therapist who will tell you some of what I just did, and get yourself in here reading and talking with the rest of us.  Don't be a stranger any more. :D

Share this post

Link to post
Timber Wolf

Hi J_S,

It can be easy to fear this could be just a phase. We wonder, "What if I start really doing something about this and it suddenly ends?" We forget to think about how we've had these feelings and questions for years and they have not ended. They might abate for a while, but they keep coming back.


You're still young in life. I've lived a few more years and have spent many of those years trying to bury all this and convince myself that it is just a phase. In the end it didn't work. I'm not going through a phase.


Something that can make it difficult to understand ourselves is that there aren't just 2 or 3 catagories of us that we can peg ourselves into. Transgender is a wide spectrum. Therapy can really help here. You said you were in school. I don't know if it's high school or college, but you mentioned an apartment with room mates, but if I remember correctly, you also mentioned needing parental approval for counselling or therapy in you previous post. If there is any way you can see a gender therapist, it would probably help.


Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

Share this post

Link to post
6 hours ago, J_S said:

I'm also terrified that this might be a phase... or if I'm fantasizing it, and I'm kind of scared to move forward not knowing if it is or not. I need help, insight, anything... someone to talk to, advice, literally anything.


So-what if it IS a phase?  You feel better when you wear the forms and clothes so wear them!  You like being identified in public as a woman so do it!  You like wearing makeup?  Then wear it.  Be proud of who you are and stop being ashamed about it.  You.  Are.  Just.  Fine - just-as-you-are.  If or when the day comes that you're no longer interested in wearing these items, stop.  If or when the day comes that you are confident in your gender, be that gender.  If you want to try a new name, ask your friends to call you something else (you don't have to officially change it).  If your gut tells you to try hormones, give them a try (you CAN stop if you don't like them).  When you have reconciled your gender (even if it takes half you lifetime) you can take whatever steps YOU see fit at THAT time.  You aren't crossing a one way bridge; you're exploring a new world.  Just be YOU and bless the world with your individuality.  You are beautiful!!!!  :)

Share this post

Link to post

I love that, @DenimAndLace. What a great positive encouraging message! And one that everyone needs to hear more often. Thank you!

Denim, TimberWolf and Vicky said it better than I could, and they're right. Give yourself permission to explore, to try new things, new ways of being and envisioning yourself!


Share this post

Link to post

J_S. , I always thought it was just a phase. I thought it was going to go away as I matured. Quite the opposite happened. By the time I hit my 40's it came back with a vengence. It did not go away. My dysphoria got so bad there was no other choice except transition. 


Do you want to go back to being "him"? That's the question I asked myself, and in being honest with myself the answer is no.

Share this post

Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 15 Guests (See full list)

    • jae bear
    • Cheyenne skye
    • Michelle F
    • VickySGV
  • Who Was Online

    94 Users were Online in the Last 48 Hours
    • jae bear
    • Cheyenne skye
    • Michelle F
    • VickySGV
    • JayDawk
    • Martyn
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Katie_marie
    • JamieDodger
    • Mickey
    • Janeshannon
    • Julie J
    • DenimAndLace
    • Dlovsted
    • AsTheCrow
    • JJ
    • Matthew Winchester
    • MaryEllen
    • Frank
    • Kirsten
    • Avra
    • Rachael
    • Elyse Marie
    • Amory
    • Jani
    • mochi90
    • Amy joey
    • SugarMagnolia
    • Elyssia
    • Annie
    • MaryMary
    • Adaline
    • stbSusan
    • Nants
    • Jocelyn
    • Jennifer T
    • Kris
    • VampyrEllie
    • Jennifer 123
    • Amy LeBlanc
    • Fernode
    • LittleRed
    • CyndiRae
    • cinthia
    • Petra Jane
    • kamakshi
    • Kali-Ann Gills
    • ChickenLittle
    • LEANNE11
    • Terry
    • Josiep
    • Jill55
    • NewLife336
    • Dev
    • Rowan
    • KymmieL
    • AlecFtm
    • Cthorne
    • Brenna
    • KeiraC
    • Lizzie McTrucker
    • Isabelle
    • Lexi
    • Charlize
    • Jojo
    • Cluck1992
    • Samantha2015
    • tracy_j
    • Laura Beth
    • Becca1108
    • Zedarius
    • MarcieMarie12
    • Werzle
    • Timber Wolf
    • doni
    • Roxann
    • JBfox
    • Paul Rankeillor
    • Sharon Aml
    • Anna75
    • Miss Linnea
    • nikkiisagoddess
    • Jlandry1970
    • April
    • Carly Hughes
    • ErinLeach
    • DreCFC
    • Transmoranda
    • Cela
    • AvocadoGay
    • Alizia
    • Eva Kent
    • jo jo
    • Sophie Beth
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Matthew Winchester
    Newest Member
    Matthew Winchester
  • Today's Birthdays

    No users celebrating today
  • Posts

    • Michelle F
      I love having my Driver's License AND having my Social Security Card is wonderful!   It's making insurance a breeze
    • Michelle F
      Having proper legal ID is truly empowering. I don't even hesitate any longer...😄
    • jae bear
      Hey Kali Ann,  How did your appointment go on the 16th?   Hugs,  Jackie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.them.us/story/trans-veterans-health-research     Carolyn Marie
    • jae bear
      I don’t know, something about this thread makes me not want to reply to it ...  ha ha !
    • jae bear
      Oh my gosh I can’t believe you girls are having so much fun without me !  Ha ha Ha !  I like running around target looking for decent T-shirts, and lately I’m eyeballing a lot of nice tops, but I live in my mom jeans, and so far that’s what I’m most comfortable in. I really would love to find a few more colorful high tops, right now I just have my cute little purple ones, and some universal unisex Brown hightops that I use for everything from working out to roaming around the warehouse at work. I find the most difficult part of this shopping experience is that while I wear a 1X in most tops, sometimes they are formfitting or stretchy and I need a 2X, if I wash them sometimes they shrink and I need a 3X!  It really bums me out that I bought this really cute purple top in 2X,  it’s actually one of the Lee Rider series that goes with their mom jeans that I love, and it’s a rather violet color that is adorable, except the darn thing doesn’t fit, it’s way way way too big !  I’m super bummed out but I think I’m going to donate it to a friend of mine, she’s gonna love it !  Hugs,  Jackie
    • jae bear
      Oh my gosh Julie you kill me !!!  Ha ha !!!!  Stop taking videos of me dancing in front of my door way !😉  I really think Dr. Shih is an exceptional person as well as an amazing surgeon, I’ve had a lot of surgeries in my lifetime, like I mean a crazy amount, surgery after surgery after surgery just to put me all back together, and while the surgeons were nice they were nothing like Dr. Shih! I just realized something else, my spellchecker doesn’t catch it when I voice text it comes up as “doctor she”,  this seems oddly appropriate to me !  I have to agree with you Carolyn Marie, Kaiser really is taking the bull by the horn‘s here, or rather the cow by the nose? I can’t think of a good analogy ...  at any rate I feel fantastic, even after dealing with lots of crappy paperwork all day long at work I still feel great !  And I’m very excited to go see my new electrologist on Sunday !   I did a lot of searching for minivans today I think I struck the jackpot, I found a 2006 and a 2007 Ford Freestar minivan, both about $1700, I’ll just pick a good one and drive home, drop it off at my mechanic and make sure it’s all tippy top and smile all the way down the road. The Ford minivans work perfect for me because they have a removable center console insert under the dash, And since I only drive using my left foot I take out the middle console cover and put a floormat there so I can rest my right foot in the middle of the floor while driving. Then with a 2006 or 2007 minivan in good running condition I will be able to drive for Lyft and Uber to make extra bucks!  Luckily I get to continue earning a modest salary while telecommuting to my current job, I’m going to set up a laptop and a Wi-Fi hotspot to login to work and network into all of the sales portals and machine program access points so I can do my job in between driving trips, I can also answer customer emails and questions, do bookkeeping on QuickBooks and even process payroll with direct deposit to all the employees accounts. Hopefully this will work well for me, at any rate I’ll sell my two old Ford Windstar minivan’s and recoup almost all of the money from buying the new one, or I guess I should say new-ish one, however once I steam clean the living snot out of it  The interior will feel just like a brand new van, I’m really good at steam cleaning car interiors, like I mean ridiculously good !  Hugs,  Jackie
    • Julie J
      Avra, don't let fear overwhelm you. By facing my fears I have been able to get over myself. I have gained confidence by living, on a temporary (usually only for a day) basis as Julie. I always longed to be female, my true inner gender, and by being Julie I am able to experience my life as a woman. I don't want to be treated as anyone other than who I present myself as - an ordinary woman, doing ordinary things, in an ordinary way... like sitting at a roadside coffee shop patio drinking coffee and visiting a friend, with the sun shining and a cooling breeze wafting through the lightly treed area... and my friend looking at me and smiling, then commenting on how relaxed and happy I am being out in public as Julie. I am am on a journey and I am trying to be positive as I proceed, and I am trying to enjoy the journey... this is not a trial run, it's my one shot to a happy, fulfilling life! I love it!  Hugs & Smiles  Julie J 
    • Katie_marie
      The dress looks great on you kirsten... absolutely adorable!
    • Avra
      I'm so jealous of how sure of yourself you are. I still have so many doubts, fears and question... 😞
    • Julie J
      Hi Adaline, I didn't get a chance to go out shopping on Thursday. It was pouring rain and I just didn't want to drive for 3 hours in the rain. I had an interesting day anyway, so all is good.  Hope you are enjoying your journey. It's good to keep your eye on the prize, but we have to enjoy the journey getting there!  Hugs & Smiles  Julie J 
    • Adaline
      Julie,   Sorry for the delay.  OMG it sounds like you had the best time ever.  You can never have enough clothes, an extra dress will never go to waste and is just the right thing on those nothing to wear days.  I am sooo jealous.  To have a friend that can help you with hair and makeup is just to die for.  My style is so different from the other girls in my group.  One is such a tomboy, another is kind of a mix between goth and the matrix, looks great on her but would make me look like a reject from a mad max movie.  I’m such a girly girl.  I love dresses, makeup and heels.  If I’m going to wear pants they need to be cute, capris are just the thing.  I could really use a friend that understands my style and can give me some tips.  Who am I kidding, I really need a full time consultant.  My wife has no problem telling me when something looks bad but isn’t much help in putting an outfit together.     Someday boy mode will be a thing of the past, then look out everyone, Adaline is here to stay.  Just have to wait for the right time.  Meanwhile I’ll live vicariously through girls like you.     Keep me up dated.  I want to here all about your trip.    Hugs Adaline
    • Jani
      Well thats interesting!  I guess she doesn't see this as a threat to your relationship and that it suits you well.  (the change, not the dress)  Maybe this was helpful for your wife in coming around as well.     Jani   ps: Although the dress does suit you well! 
    • Jani
      You have to ask yourself, who are you coming out for?  I believe the answer is you!     I get that you may not want to do this face to face although doing so with some of the family might actually be beneficial for them and you.  You can engage is a constructive conversation and they will get to see the honesty in your eyes.   Maybe just create the video for your brother.   Tell him you're doing it this way because you know he hasn't been the most accepting but you hope he can see that this is a important and meaningful decision.  You can say you hope he thinks about what this decision (to transition) means to you.  You can close with asking for his love and support.     Hugs, Jani      
    • Adaline
      Jackie,   That is such awesome news.  I’m sooo happy for you I can barely stand it.  I’m attending a conference in Harrisburg and it was almost killing me that I didn’t have a single opportunity to reply.  With curves and the new look, watchout world here she comes..   Thank you so much for the encouraging words.  You are the best.  You have every right to be as proud as you can be.  This is your day, own it.   Hugging you and beaming with joy, Adaline.
  • Upcoming Events