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jae bear

Daddy Issues

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jae bear

my early childhood greatly confused me
father figure love periodically absent
uncle stepped in, filled in some gaps
father needed help, dealing with his past

 

daddy grew up in los vegas
amid atom bombs and show girls
watching mushroom clouds in the distance
got to meet gene and trigger when he was 3

 

his father too busy to raise little boys
his mother too drunk to see past the glass
the lovely showgirls kept an eye on him
while he played with bras at their feet

 

maybe they dressed him in fancy ballgowns
or did up his makeup when no one's around
but dad grew up different no doubt it would seem
for it haunted him till the day we lost him

 

his mother taught dad how to drink at ten
loved her little helper and drinking friend
throughout his teens he felt like a crooner
but reality was he was more of a boozer

 

he felt like dean martin holding that glass
but reality was he just acted like an ass
hiding his femme side with strong alcohol
he did a few things that no one still knows

 

my mom found dad and quickly they married
she sought to change him before he was buried
not counting on femme issues changed her tactic
thought that hiding was best for their marriage

 

dad always was dunk and gone before six
I had just two hours to seek out my dad fix
there once was a time I burst into his room
saw him in moms clothes dancing in her shoes

 

never told dad I was like him, didn't want to hear it
mom knew it and hid me from dads old habits
relentlessly pushed me into big manly pursuits
started my own business, bore the family fruit

 

my uncle supported me for just who I am
but he left too soon, before I finished as a man
my mom left not long ago, I miss her so badly
I still think she's proud of me, even if not manly

 

mom might find it funny that I switched gender
she'd love me the same either son or daughter
I'm somewhere between, at peace with myself
oddly enough, in plenty of ways I find dad in myself

 

 

squishy hugs & tears

Jae

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