Why must anyone be anything??

[Kirsten]

So I have been reading and reading and reading. I see so many people wondering what this means. If I feel this way am I that. Etc..... so I ask why do you have to be anything?  And if I do have to be something why? and what am I? 

 

So about 7 months ago I decided I was done hiding myself. I was sick of the lies. A lifetime of lies will do that. But I didn’t know what that meant. So I started simply being more of who I want to be. Small changes. Painting my toenails, throwing away all my boy underwear, wearing thin inconspicuous bras shirts etc.... But I realized it was the same thing. So I started looking for a gender therapist. Ever tried that?! Well I tell ya what it was and is still the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Still don’t have one so if you know of one in central mass I would love to know about them. 

Thats the process that convinced me to start self medicating. I’ve seen so many posts on forums of the amazing effects of real hrt. So I found birth control pills and started taking them. I know it’s not great but I’ve been to the dr 2 times for basic checkups and nothing is off. I haven’t however gone in for my blood work. That’s next week. My hope is that this will spur the conversation with my doctor. Because I am still shy about this being publicly addressed to some extent. 

So now that everyone’s mad at me I will tell you this... I feel a lot better! I have lost 70 pounds with diet and exercise. I have quit smoking. I sleep better. I am 100000x happier and my wife would definitely vouch for that. And I never have any urges to do anything fake. I’m growing my hair I have out. My skin is noticeably softer but that’s about all I have for signs of anything. And I’m happy. 

So what does that make me? I think it makes me me. Not trans not a cross dresser. Not anything. Just me. Can you be that? And be on hrt? And just be? I don’t know what it all means but as I said I’m happy now and I just want to be happy. Maybe it’s all silly and I’m just convincing myself of another lie but that’s why I am here. To share myself with you all and see if I can continue to learn and grow. 

[Jani]

Well you don't need to apply any label to be honest.  Just be you.  But understand when and if people inquire it might bode well to have a response.  It can be as simple as, "I'm just me and this makes me comfortable" or as deep as you want to go.  I get the idea you would rather not get into a discussion so keep it simple.  

 

Self medicating is really frowned upon because our endocrine system is very important to our body's overall balance.  I'm sure you've heard this so enough said.  We're not mad at you!

 

There is a list of resource locator that lists counselors at the Transition link at the main TransPulse page.  You can also try here.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/massachusetts  This is where I found my counselor.  

 

Loosing weight and quitting smoking is great.  Aside from making for a healthier you, the estrogen should be more effective from what I''ve read.

 

So you don't need a label.  You don't need to cross dress or transition socially.  Maybe HRT Is all the medical transition you need so if a little estrogen makes you feel good, that's fine.  Understand it may cause physical changes you aren't prepared for so keeping the dosage at the lower level may be all you need or want.  I wouldn't be afraid of speaking to your doctor about this.  My PCP is an older guy about my age and he's been very supporting.  You may be pleasantly surprised. 

 

Jani

 

[Jani]

This is a good point. 

1 minute ago, MaryMary said:

Basically, I pretty much follow feminine standards of presentation, nothing much special. I'm still doing a lot of things I was doing before...

For me this includes mechanical hobbies.  I love cars and at present I'm remodeling a kitchen for a friend.  OTOH I love to sew, which I've done since I was a teen, and I enjoy writing and bird watching...  

 

Yes there are very masculine men and very feminine women but most people blur the lines and live a happy life.  You can too. 

 

Jani

[Charlize]

I made the choice to live as female after 63 years of living as a man.  I am more comfortable than ever and yet have not changed any of the things i've always loved as a man.   I made the decision to transition after spending some time here and seeing a gender therapist.  I also listened to the advice of those here who told me not to self medicate due to many dangers.

I've been on HRT for years now and despite having cardiac disease it hasn't been a difficulty due to well monitored blood tests and an expert dosage designed for me. 

In a way i'm not anything at this point.  Well that's not true.........I'm trans*.  That's ok with me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

Oh wow. This is a very active forum! That is nice. I’ve been on a few sites and it just wasn’t what I was looking for. So first off thank you to all of you. I appreciate the reply’s. 

I am not very good with technology which is ironic because I work in telecommunications and deal with some of the most intricate systems on the planet. But when it comes to the user interfaces I’m a dope. So I apologize for not knowing how to do all the stuff I can on here. 

So yes I know that the bc pills aren’t the best thing for me to be using. But from what I know I need an actual gender therapist to diagnose me as gender dysphoric? 

This is my issue. There aren’t any therapists in my area that consider themselves gender therapists. Except 1. And this woman’s reviews are horrible. She is apparently a belittling old school person who found a niche but isn’t much of a help. I’ve seen 4 other therapists that aren’t gender specific who refused to give me that diagnosis. Two were psychologists who couldn’t? And the other that I was actually trying for it told me yeah you’re trans. And you’ll probably need to transition but I won’t give the diagnosis. Instead she gave me a script for antidepressants and said have a good day. 

So this is why I do what I currently do. I at least wanted to know how my mind would react to some form of hormones in me. And honestly in the last 10 years I have gotten steadily more depressed until 16 weeks ago when I started the pills. Now as I said I am happy. I made myself as healthy as I could before starting it by quitting smoking after almost 20 years. I lost 70+ pounds and went from 240+ down to a solid 170 now. 

So my long winded point is I am trying. And I know it’s not good to self medicate. But it’s been positive so I’m reluctant to stop. 

Beyond that, I guess the label thing really has me confused. Mostly because once I find a therapist I’m more than likely going to be traveling 90+ minutes to see them per visit. And I don’t want to mess it up and have to start over. I know what I want. I’ve known I’m female forever. But I don’t want to have to get dressed up to feel like myself. I just want to feel right. And I’m scared I’ll end up with yet another therapist that refuses to help me. 

I hope I’m on the right track to a positive future. I have no expectations on my future other than feeling happy. I will be talking to my pcp who is also an older man who would have to surprise me for me to get any help from him with this. I have emails and calls in at a few therapists in my area that aren’t gender specific but I have no hopes for anything helpful there either. That list of therapists is the one that I have been through with minimal responses if anything at all. 

If anyone happens to be in central mass and knows a therapist that can actually help I’d love to know. 

Thanks Jani, Mary, and Charlize for the encouraging words. 

Kirsten. 

[Charlize]

I don't know Mass well but i did travel almost that far to my therapist.  She had good recommendations and it was worth the effort for me.  There are also some good on line therapists who use Skype or another platform.  It really is worth doing it as recommended.  in the meantime please be as honest as possible with your doctor.  We have to be healthy to enjoy anything including transition.  The original founder of this site suffered a life changing stroke from self medication.  Please be careful!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Kirsten I don't know how far from Boston you are but if you're willing to travel there is Fenway Health on Boylston Street, near the ball park.  That's where my endo is and I saw a counselor there for one of my surgery letters.  I highly recommend them.  

 

Jani 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Try not to self medicate.

Its the same as smoking pot, drinking, etc to deal with things we'd rather not deal with.

Trusting the process is important and will get you there!

Rachel

 

[Gwen]

13 hours ago, Kirsten said:

So what does that make me? I think it makes me me. Not trans not a cross dresser. Not anything. Just me. Can you be that? And be on hrt? And just be? I don’t know what it all means but as I said I’m happy now and I just want to be happy.

This is a great declaration, Kristen!! After reading your posts here, it looks like you're beginning to make sense of your identity/gender. I hope you find even more clarity with more experimentation and with the help with clinicians. It can be an exciting path - good luck

 

Gwen

[Kirsten]

37 minutes ago, Jani said:

Kirsten I don't know how far from Boston you are but if you're willing to travel there is Fenway Health on Boylston Street, near the ball park.  That's where my endo is and I saw a counselor there for one of my surgery letters.  I highly recommend them.  

 

Jani 

Yes I have seen some info on a few places in Boston. It is a bit of a haul for me to get out there especially at a time I could be seen. But it is more than likely the route I need to go. Thanks for the info Jani.  And the little nudge everyone  ?

how long will the regular visits last? Although it’s a haul getting out to Boston monthly is possible for a while. Weekly possibly but much less long. I do have family and work obligations, as everyone does, but I have literally filled my life with “stuff” for years now to keep my brain busy. Some of that will suffer just to get there. I guess what I’m asking is would going out to Boston or wherever it was be a short term/ long term/ permanent thing? 

[Kirsten]

I am sorry for all the questions. I have never really had people to ask anything of. Nor did I really have anything I wanted to know before now. And I have no idea if this is the right place to ask or if I should be in another forum. Ugh. Lol

[Charlize]

As to how long........ I would have almost loved to go for more sessions but after 4 or 5 i felt confident in a path and my therapist felt that way as well.  I did go back to see her prior to surgery as a visit to another therapist as suggested by my doctor.  My time was relatively short i suppose as i opened up as much as possible from the start.  I went dressed as myself from the start and was full time shortly after starting.  Even though there weren't that many sessions each was a wonderful, confidence building experience.  I'm very glad i went which is one reason i can't help but recommend going.  I had to pay for my visits.  As a cheapskate i'd certainly be signing a different tune if it wasn't worth it.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

2 hours ago, MaryMary said:

in fact I much prefer no tags then the millions of tags we are coming up with these days.

Lol. I don’t even know what tags are. ???

 

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

As to how long........ I would have almost loved to go for more sessions but after 4 or 5 i felt confident in a path and my therapist felt that way as well.  I did go back to see her prior to surgery as a visit to another therapist as suggested by my doctor.  My time was relatively short i suppose as i opened up as much as possible from the start.  I went dressed as myself from the start and was full time shortly after starting.  Even though there weren't that many sessions each was a wonderful, confidence building experience.  I'm very glad i went which is one reason i can't help but recommend going.  I had to pay for my visits.  As a cheapskate i'd certainly be signing a different tune if it wasn't worth it.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Thanks Charlize. That’s manageable. And maybe I will have different feelings about it after a meeting. But the possibility of something like weekly sessions for months would never fit my schedule. I guess if it was required I’d have to figure it out though. 

I will be making some calls next week when I’m not stuck at work cleaning up storm damage 15 hours a day and hopefully find a quality therapist soon. That will be a big step in the right direction. And soon enough I’ll be on the straight and narrow! 

?

[Kirsten]

Aaah I understand what you mean. And that was kind of obvious. I am a little slow at times. All I could think of was that song about shopping tags that my kid loved so much last year. Lol idk. 

[Jani]

Hi. A lot's been discussed since I last was here.   My thoughts on how long to go to counseling depends upon you and what you need to talk about and solve for yourself.  I still see my counselor but we no longer discuss TG issues.  It's all up to you.  

 

As to being seen, you can dress any way you like.  If its to Fenway, you could change when you arrive, and again when you leave if it would make you comfortable.  

 

NEVER be sorry for asking questions!  

 

Jani

[Kirsten]

Thanks Jani. I appreciate everything. 

 

This came up last night. I am starting to see other changes from the meds. Mostly it seems that my muscle mass is really dropping. I’m not really losing weight. But I’m looking thinner and thinner every day. When my wife saw me last night changing for bed I think I saw her cry when she saw me. It nearly broke my heart. 

I am not sure I am ready for that part of this journey. Seeing the people that are the closest to me watching me basically become another person.

This is going to be the most difficult part for me. I have spent my life forgetting myself and my own needs and putting my wife and kids first.  Now for me to think of myself in this way I’m honestly scared. I’m beyond scared. More like petrified. It’s what always stops me. And last night hit hard. 

I have an appt with my gp later next week and I will be telling him what’s going on then. I don’t know if there’s a lower dosing option than what I’m at. I hope there is actually. I am not ready to have to present. If I ever get there I want to wait until my oldest kid is 18-21 ish. His mom is a real piece of work and he has a lot of issues already. I can’t add something like this onto his plate. 

Idk if this is a rant a question or what but I had to tell someone. Maybe it should be chocked up to a bad day. Maybe. I don’t know. 

Also this is a question. I seem to have more energy than I’ve had in 20 years. I feel like I’m a 15 year old kid. I’ve worked 90 hours this week outside doing hard heavy work. Sleeping like 5 hours a night and right back to it. But I’m not tired. I’m not sore. I’m not anything. I’m actually feeling like I’m ready to run a marathon. Is this normal!? My wife thinks it’s weird. As do I. But I really don’t know. 

 

HAPPY ST PATRICKS DAY!!! 

??? Kirsten ???

[MarcieMarie12]

On 3/15/2018 at 6:35 PM, MaryMary said:

Tag = label, a way to define someone with a word.

 

When I refuse labels, I basically refuse to be anything except myself. I don't think there's a good reason to comply to any labels. If someone fits then ok but nobody "have to be anything".

 

I found that being yourself first and then finding a label was easier than trying to pick a label and then trying to fit into that label.

[Jani]

3 hours ago, Kirsten said:

I seem to have more energy than I’ve had in 20 years....

I can't say I had more energy but I was energized.  I found I was actually able to sleep much better, and through the whole night, so we're all different in that regard.

 

I can't comment on the loss of muscle as I've never been muscular.  I'm a lean body type. I understand it can be disconcerting to see your body change but since you are doing strenuous work you are keeping the muscle.  I know I've lost some strength.  If you have much body fat it will "shift" around a bit which may be what you're seeing.  You can certainly go to a lower dosage.  It would probably maintain the positive mental changes while slowing the physical ones. 

 

Jani

[Guest Rachel Gia]

The problem with labels is that the are constantly being redefined by outside parties.

The one thing I do know is that I wanted to transition from an early age.

Recently when my ex-wife said ' So you want to be a woman" I waffled and then later the answer bubbled up that ' I want to be myself!"

Labels are however important if I want to get help during my transition.

I always say I am transgender as non binary unfolded out of that term.

I am a transgendered person and whether or not I am a trans woman or non binary does not concern me too much.

However for certain surgeries I have to be out ie not closeted any more.

I fought but in the end I turned my will over and it turned out to be the best thing I have done since becoming clean and sober.

Cheers Rachel Gia

[Kirsten]

27 minutes ago, Jani said:

can't say I had more energy but I was energized.  I found I was actually able to sleep much better, and through the whole night, so we're all different in that regard.

 

Thanks Jani. I’m sure everyone is different. I do also sleep well now too. I guess I’m just surprised at how much better I feel in general. I’m not used to that. Haha 

[Kirsten]

26 minutes ago, Rachel Gia said:

' I want to be myself!"

That is all I am. No more. No less. I literally just looked up binary because I hadn’t heard that before in this context. As Mary had said there sure are a LOT of tags for people. Gees Louise. 

 

Cheers 

?Kirsten?

[Gwen]

Fortunately, we get to choose our own tags for ourselves! In the past three days I've seen my gender as a hybrid of sorts. I'm not sure how long this tag will last, but it feels comfortable at this time. Of course this is the pre-HRT Gwen talking and things may change.

 

Enjoy the journey, Kristen. Every day will never happen again

 

Gwen

[Kirsten]

I have a simple question. I have had a couple beers with my love and all I can think is Is it worth it? I know who I am and what I want to be. I know what that will cost. Is it worth it? 

[BrandiBri]

Kirsten, only you can answer that question. You know who you are and what you want to be. The question becomes how badly do you want it. Follow your heart and things will work out in their own time.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Jani]

Brandi is correct.  Even though we all share similarities our journeys are all different and personal.  You know yourself better than we do.  We can offer support and encouragement.  

 

As to the cost, you see the obvious things as we all do.  Its the unknowns that worry us.  If it comes to it, am I willing to jettison it all?  Will my spouse be accepting through thick and thin?  Will I be a social outcast?  We've all made that choice and were able to effect some of the outcome by force of nature and the will to move forward.  Other effects were forced upon us and we deal with it.   As Brandi says, 

9 minutes ago, BrandiBri said:

The question becomes how badly do you want it. Follow your heart and things will work out in their own time.

 

Hugs, Jani