A little broken-hearted

[Cthorne]

I'm not really sure where to post this but I'm sure it can be moved if it needs to be.

 

So I was just having a nice chat with my mother, I've needed to get some important documents for my new job and I happened to mention 'Connor' stuff and things were ok and I was joking around you know having a bit of fun.

 

But then she just comes out with that 'I'm just going through a phase...." So jokingly I replied "Oh are you going to tell the person we're meeting with on Thursday that they are going through a phase too?" And she was like "No, not them just you."

 

I was like "Ok seeing as its just a phase, I'll just let them know that and thats how you feel" Her reply : "Don't worry I'll tell them myself."

 

I have this lump in my throat and I just wanna cry like mad! I'm almost 30, just because I didn't realise when I was younger!!

 

I said "Ok I'm gonna go upstairs and finish working on this,." and she called me back and she said "Look at my face right now, just stop." Like I'm trying to cause arguments but I'm not.

 

Maybe I should just give in but I don't want to! I've been feeling pretty good about myself and I can't help but be soooo happy whenever my brother shows his support, if it be calling me by Connor or just saying 'us brothers are going to hang out together'.

 

Should I forget about this whole thing??? Go back to before and all that shame and sadness, feeling out of place and hating that when people talk to me and look at me they are seeing 'this thing'

 

I feel that sinking hole of depression and hating myself slowly creeping up on me and before I've thought about taking my own life and the only thing that stopped me was that my family would find out my secret but now I have nothing to stop me... they already know and in all honesty for the first time taking that path feels like an actual option.

 

Help me please, what should I do?

[Jani]

It appears as if your mother is still treating you as an adolescent.  Is she going to a doctor or therapist appointment with you?  At your age you have to ask yourself why?  Parents sometimes have a hard time letting go, even more so when children live with them as adults.  It's the old, "my house my rules" thing.  It may be difficult to change her behavior but you can set boundaries as well.  

 

Focus on the positive aspects of what's going on in your life and don't let the other stuff get you down.  I know its easier said than done but you can do it.  Ending you life is not an option.  It solves nothing.  You're taking steps to move forward.  Keep moving.

 

Jani    

[Cthorne]

I just feel like if they don't believe me then I might have to leave them and I don't want to lose my family... they are so important to me but I want to be myself too.

[Cthorne]

Thanks  

 

What you folks are saying makes sense and I am trying to understand from their point of view but its very hard to not embrace everything about myself now because its all out in the open.

 

I do need to take some time and build up my defences again and try not to take everything they say to heart but its difficult because I feel like thats me hiding myself again... (I really hope this makes sense)

 

I think that when they question me about what I've said and what I may want to do in the future it feels even worse because I'm not 100% sure myself. All I have is how I feel now and how I feel when the one supportive member of my family does do supportive things, it feels good, comfortable and happy.

 

I never had that big wave of relief when I came out to my mother or when I told my brothers the next morning but later in the day I did notice I felt better, more comfortable and there was no shame about myself, I felt like I didn't have to hide things, I could be myself who ever that is... (Does this sound right? Should I feel this way? I don't know and I have no one else to talk to until Thursday... Hopefully!! Its been pushed back three times now!)

 

 

[Charlize]

I'm not surprised you have doubts and worries and that is certainly the case with your mother as well.  Going to therapy helped me a great deal both in accepting myself and in accepting the reaction of my family.  Somehow at the time i felt i had to move quickly but in fact it turns out this is a lifetime event with all the changes of mood and circumstances that come with life.  There are days when i float along happily as does my wife and then something will cause troubles in my mind.  I'm sure she feels the same way.

Please don't feel like you of your family are alone in your feelings.  I live through similar issues as do many here.

Just knowing i'm not alone gives me strength.  i hope you find the same.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize 

[DenimAndLace]

43 minutes ago, Cthorne said:

I do need to take some time and build up my defenses again and try not to take everything they say to heart but its difficult because I feel like that's me hiding myself again... (I really hope this makes sense)

 

It makes perfect sense to me.  There's a certain kind of love and acceptance that only comes from a parent.  I don't understand it but even when we're old we need it and sadly, some of us don't get it or it stops coming for some reason.  It might be because we are trans* or it might be for a plethora of other reasons.  It looks like this might be the case between you and your parents and I'm sorry you're experiencing that - but at least you're in good company.  It's certainly not worth losing your life over.  You're young and when you get this gender thing figured out, I can just about promise you life will get a lot better.  You might lose some people or have a less-than-now relationship with some but you'll also gain some - you just haven't met them yet.  Don't let a bad year or two ruin a lifetime.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Cthorne,

Coming to self acceptance is the beginning of your life transition. It's been referred to as "2nd puberty". Trying to make your way through life as you are transitioning your life into your true identity has growing pains. 

 

We want all our friends and loved ones to accept and support us all the way. They need to transition their own lives with us too though. Sometimes they have their own growing pains so to speak. While you have been hurting and are now trying to take steps to feel better, they're hurting because their beautiful child is changing.

 

Transitioning your life has its tough spots, but just like puberty, you do finally get through it and things get better. It takes time to figure out who and what we are. But you already gave all the information you need to answer your question about if you should go back to before. All the negative feelings it gave you says that is the wrong way to go. What I've learned in life is that it doesn't work well trying to live our lives for someone else. We have to live our own lives. And live we must. Suicide is a tragic option. I've seen what happens to a family when a child and sibling commits suicide. A friend of mine lost his sister to suicide. It devastated that family.

 

You are not alone in the world with this. You do have someone to talk to about this any time day or night. You just did. We are here, and we care. We understand. We are always here for you anytime. 

 

Lots of love and a big hug,

Timber Wolf?

 

Here's a big hug from Huggy Bear too!

[jae bear]

Hi Cthorne, 

 I’m so sorry all of this is bumming you out, it would bum me out too, and I totally get the thing with your mom, my mom was much like that for a very long time, she pushed me to just be a man and suck it up, told me don’t act like a girl and so on and so on. And I dutifully did what a son should do but I knew I was cheating myself, I love my mother so very much and I miss her to this day since she’s recently passed away but one thing did change for me, I started doing everything for myself and not allowing my mother to guide me as she did all the way into my 40s.  I suppose I could’ve taken control of my life at any point and I certainly had the appearance of being in complete control of my surroundings, a career in a business that I built for myself a house, cars, boats, and RV... all the trappings of being a big manly man, but to be honest it was all just a big comfortable place to hide. I don’t know why I didn’t take control of myself and do for myself so much earlier, but if I could go back and talk to my younger self I would do just that, explain the differences between love and manipulation, and that sometimes mothers want something different for their children than the children want for themselves. If you feel that your mom just doesn’t get it or wants to make you something you’re not there’s nothing wrong with taking control of your own goals, needs and appointments doing the things that you need to do to take care of yourself, while still fully loving your mother even if verbally she’s not letting you be in a pleasant space. I wish I had some better advice but I miss my mom so bad I would gladly have her back in my life telling me I’m just going through a phase, even though you and I both know, this  is no phase, this is just who we are.

Big squishy hug, 

Jae

[Cthorne]

Awww  thanks. I guess why I'm taking all these hits personally is because this is very new for me and I've never really had to defend myself completely on my own before. I know she needs more time but I gotta say it hurts and makes me question myself and that makes me feel so bad/wrong/guilt because what if they are right and I'm doing all this and this amazing feeling of being myself and not having to hide just goes away.

 

Thanks everyone  I'll be ok and like I have probably said a million times over I gotta start believing that I know what I'm feeling is right and not let every negative comment feel like a brick to the face. Give them time but don't give up on being happy just so that its easier for everyone else.

[Jani]

41 minutes ago, Cthorne said:

it hurts and makes me question myself

Connor when you ask questions of yourself it is an opportunity to learn more and grow.   You're doing fine!

 

Jani

[jae bear]

I was questioning myself, living in doubt and feeling guilty for 46 years... I lived as an angry bear that whole time until finally, a tiny little bunny told the bear to shut up and stop feeling guilty for who he really was, the bear listened, agreed, told his wife, and now the bunny grows...

Squishy hugs,

Jae