Hi everyone!

[SandraG]

Hi, there!

 

My name is Sandra, and while I've been lurking on here for a few months, I finally signed up tonight! I've already learned so much, and looking forward to be part of this wonderful community!

 

I'm 34, married to the woman of my dreams (I'm interested in both, but I've never had luck with long-term relationship with men), and for the majority of my life I didn't realize what was going on with me. I've had some reasonably serious mental issues in the past (predominantly bipolar, but other issues as well), leading to significant self-harm. I've had really good therapists for about half of my life, even if it's been a while since I have been to see one (this has become a much higher priority for me!), and have always tried as hard as I could to use their self-assessment and self-assistance advice... but it never seemed to "click." I also am (most likely, but not formally diagnosed) somewhere on the spectrum, with the main effect that I've always fought being social awkwardness. I felt like I always had to basically be reading off internal note cards to get through social interactions, and was never really comfortable talking to people, even though I also wouldn't classify myself as shy by any means... I just was always different enough that many conversations just refused to go comfortably for me, no matter what. A lot of those issues, looking back, are related to me subconsciously trying to interact as a woman (but doing so poorly), and many of the conversations about linguistic and body language differences between the sexes have shown me many of the things that I'd already been doing, and also show me how much work I have to do in this area!

 

About 4 months ago, a number of pieces in my life suddenly clicked. I'd always been far more interested in clothing more than any other "male" that I've known, my gestures and body language (while still mostly male) have always been seen as feminine, and I've always pegged people's "gaydar" rather quickly. Other events in my life keep floating to the surface, and they make more and more sense now. At least once every couple days either my wife or I think of another thing that really only makes sense in context of me being the wrong gender. For instance, I helped my wife pick out her wedding dress (I know, I know... but it was a super-small wedding that we wanted to do fast to prevent certain family members from insisting on coming), and I was depressed and rustrated the entire time... and for myself I wore an embroidered, patterned crushed velvet vest in 19th century style, complete with black and gold lace shirt garters. When my wife thought about this, she just turned to me and said "you really wanted to wear the wedding dress, didn't you? That's why you were having so many issues with it!" Perhaps the most extreme thing I'd done in my much more turbulent young adulthood (early 20s) was to have scarification done on my face, because somehow I knew it wasn't... right. Because of this, unfortunately it looks like I was in a car accident with noticeable (but coverable with makeup) scarring around my ocular orbit. It's not hugely extensive (done with a scalpel), but it is definitely noticeable, and definitely is a firm reminder of my past mistakes every time I look into the mirror. Since I realized, I've felt my dysphoria (which I didn't even realize I was experiencing somehow) growing, but have found things that help me deal with the level of discomfort I'm in. So far, I've been blessed by the fact that I'm able to take small steps every few days/each week, and between this and the knowledge that I will be able to continue to grow into the woman that I now realize I am, I've been able to manage it well enough. I'm not sure what "fast" and "slow" are as far as transitioning goes, but I'm planning on a years-long process, both to avoid over-stressing my marriage and to make sure that I'm doing the right things, in the right order, at the right timing, for my transition. This is the most important, exciting and terrifying thing that has/will every happen in my life, and I want to make sure I do it right!

 

I've been an LGBTQ ally for my entire life, and for a time I grew up in a two woman household. I've had friends that were either transitioning or had transitioned in both directions, and have experienced many of the joys, challenges, and (unfortunately) horrors that people face while both going through their transition and their life after transition. For some reason, though, it never "clicked" that this is what was happening with me, as well. When I had my epiphany, it didn't really surprise me, and while I have LOTS of questions about my gender identity and gender roles (which neither myself or any of my partners have followed TOO strictly), it hasn't caused me a huge amount of mental anguish at this point. I do stress about it quite a bit, but... mainly the stresses are not internal, but related to interacting with the public, official institutions, employers, etc.

 

My wife has been as supportive as possible, even as she's dealing with her own personal crisis because of this transition. We are planning on remaining together for the rest of our lives, and once I am further into my transition (not sure where, yet) we will renew our vows as wives. We also still plan on having biological children in the reasonably near future, which will affect my transition timeline (which I'm fine with... as long as I know I'm continuing to make progress, I'm OK with that). We talk about many different areas of the transition quite often, and are able to have honest, open, and (when needed) blunt conversations about all aspects of my changing gender identity.

 

I'm starting to come to the point, though, that I'm running into questions that I don't have anywhere to ask, and while my wife is supportive, as are a couple of online friends and one family member (my aunt, who was completely unsurprised, and very surprised that she had basically no initial reacton beyond "OK, that makes sense"), I feel like I've been leaning on their help too much. There are also a LOT of things that I have questions about that none of them are really able to address, especially in presentation and makeup (my wife almost never wears any, and never felt any strong desire to learn anything but the absolute basics). My wife has found one online group for spouses that she has become active in, and hopefully both of us will continue to be able to find support and help, both online and in real life (possibly a challenge where we are, but we also aren't in the location that we plan on settling down, or even staying for much longer than a year), as well as help others however I'm able to.

I am incredibly excited to be here. This is the first place that I have only been known as my true self, and except for those individuals, this is the first place that I've been out. I'm looking forward to this next step in my transition, and to getting to know all of you better!

 

Hugs!! 

Sandra

[Charlize]

Welcome Sandra.  The fact that you have the support of your wife is wonderful.   That was a major issue for me when i finally got honest about myself.  One of the first things my wife said was that i needed therapy!  The idea came as a breath of fresh air. I had read here about the importance of gender therapy so i happily agreed.  Concentrating on the issues i have with gender was important for me.  My therapist helped to open doors and accept what i found.

Glad you've joined us.  Your certainly not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jennylynn]

Welcome Sandra! Your story is touching and all to familiar to a lot of us. I've been here a short time and I can tell you everyone on here is more than willing to help however we can. You will here many times on here to make sure you seek the assistance of a gender therapist as things move along. It is truly sage advice and something that should not be passed up. It sounds like your wife is on board which is awesome! Mine is very supportive as well and she has been truly a super support for me. 

 

If you have any questions please feel free to ask!

 

Hugs!

Jenny

[SandraG]

Thank you both! I truly am blessed by my wife. Even if we haven't been together too long yet (started dating 5 years ago, and our second anniversary is this summer!), it feels like we've been together for FAR longer! The fact that I hate, and suck at, lying to her, and that we've always been very open about talking about ANYTHING together since the first date has helped a LOT! The fact that I'm willing to be flexible on timing of particular parts of the transition is also really helping her.

A gender therapist is definitely on the top of my list of external next steps. We're also discussing couples therapy at some point as well, to have someone outside the relationship help us figure out what things we're actually having issues with, and how to address them. She's started seeing a therapist for herself for her own issues, and is able to discuss this with them (even if they are pretty much unfamiliar with the issues). I'm going to be looking into finding one in the next month or so. It's a very busy time in our household right now...  I'm waiting for things to calm down a bit so I have the time! 

[Cyndee]

Welcome Sandra Taking your time to work through things in your relationship, gives those you care about time to adjust and prepare for the changes. Transition for me took several years and I've never been happier. Still married and together now with my wife for over 35 years. Many on here have transitioned within a marriage that has endured, I hope that for you both, it's not easy (for sure). Have a look around our forums, join the conversations with us, I hope you find your time here useful and enjoyable. We try and make this a safe place to discuss these topics openly.

 

Hugs

 

Cyndi -

[Jani]

Hello Sandra and welcome.  I'm glad you found us and joined.  

 

Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sandra.  You've already had a chance to see how supportive we are.  I hope that all the other site features are to your liking.  Ask any questions that you like, and we'll do our best to answer them.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[SandraG]

Thank you so much, everyone!  It's awesome how much support this forum has already offered, and how much it's already helped back in my lurker days!

 

Carolyn, what kind of science? My wife is a wildlife biologist, and I'm an astronuclear geek (both power and propulsion). I also help produce a YouTube hard-science futurist page that looks at a lot of different  stuff. We're actually working on a video for next month on space-based mega-telescopes (1 km+ aperture, microgravity allows fun things!) that's helped me learn more about what's coming down the pipe in the field.

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Sandra, glad you're here.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Timber Wolf]

Hi SandraG,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you came in!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[tracy_j]

Hi Sandra

 

Welcome

 

Tracy