Is it normal to find it hard to explain why I wish to undergo MtF?

[Mallion]

Hi everyone, first post here. Really looking for some advice please. I live in the UK and have always hated my male body. I feel I finally have an opporotunity to correct myself and I came out to my parents last week. They were both very supportive actually, and still are. I went to my doctor and explained this to him, and he is in the process of finding me a clinic to refer me to. That's fine but, I know I will have to undergo a couple assessments before I can go on hormones.

 

My question is, is it normal to have difficulty explaining WHY you're so sure you were born as the wrong sex? All my life I've been very feminine. I have imagined as a child what it would be like to have no penis, and hit it behind my legs when I could. I used to in private dress like a girl with boobs and act flamboyant. I look at girls and get jealous because I want a body like they have, and generally find male bodies (including my own) gross. I am quite a shy person, and I would much prefer to be a shy girl instead. To feel comfortable in my body, and take pride in it. And currently, I cannot do that as a man. Even when I used to be in good shape, I couldnt help consider myself in a female body. I used to grow my hair and make it as pretty as possible and wear concealer so I would look my absolute best. But even then, I wasn't a girl and I would need to scale it back to make sure I didn't stand out too much. I wear a T-Shirt in public swimming pools so people cannot see my chest, as I have a complex about being shirtless.

 

I have explained these things to my parents, but they're still asking questions. Like "how do you KNOW you'll be more comfortable as a girl?". All I can tell them is I have felt this way my entire life, like I was born as the wrong sex. It's more a case of asking them to trust me as opposed to being able to give like objective information. I feel it inside, but its hard to put it into words. Is this normal? Or should I be able to answer everything I'm asked effortlessly? 

 

Thanks. 

[BrandiBri]

Hi Mallion, welcome to the forums. There is no right or wrong way to answer the question of how do you know. In order to be able to answer that question you need to examine your self and your feelings. I"m sure that right now you probably don't fully understand it all yourself. I know that's how I felt when I came out, and I still don't understand it all. That's the first thing I said to my sister when she said she didn't understand. 

14 minutes ago, Mallion said:

All I can tell them is I have felt this way my entire life, like I was born as the wrong sex.

That is as good an answer as any. You are telling them the truth. As time goes by I would imagine that as you sort out your own feelings your answers will become more clear.

Again, welcome, you are among supporting and helpful friends here. We welcome all your questions.

I am happy that your parents are supportive as well. That goes a long way to make your transition positive and easy (at least easier).

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[VickySGV]

5 minutes ago, Mallion said:

My question is, is it normal to have difficulty explaining WHY you're so sure you were born as the wrong sex?

 

It is close to impossible to explain the "Why" to people who are not Trans and this is from nearly two decades of my experience being out as Trans.  This is why the diagnostic time, especially in the UK is as cumbersome as it is, because we are trying to explain the WHY to to Cis (non Trans) people and make sense of it in our lives.  I have had to resort to metaphors and analogies in trying to make my explanations.  I am a public speaker and educator on being Trans, and that is the only route I have found that comes close to working.  One of them is my MIRROR exercise where I ask people to imagine looking into a mirror to see if the face reflected back at them is one THEY know as their correct face.  For you and I, the answer as we began transition was an adamant NO the mirror is showing me a stranger who maybe looks a little bit like me, but it is not me.  I can now look in my mirror and see ME, but that is well on in my transitioning.  I have tried with some success to hand people a mirror that has a picture of someone pasted on it and ask them if that IS who they are.  For a few minutes I insist it is a mirror that does not lie, and what they see is how they look IRL.  After a minute or two I let them peel the picture off and see themselves which I explain is the process that Trans people go through in recognizing our true identity.

[Mallion]

Thank you so much for the replies! Can I please ask what to expect from the psychological assessments please? I'm a bit worried I'm going to have to pass some kind of checklist, and deal with the possibility of being denied any help. I'm only a few days since coming out and I'm worrying about what's months down the line already, lol. But are assessments usually an easy process of having someone listen to you, or am I going to be scaled on some kind of score system? Like "this person doesn't meet the requirement for being offered hormonal treatment"? Thank you. I am still new to all of this and as suggested, I am very confused lol. I do have a good support network and I'm really hopeful. I just don't  want to get disappointed is all =/. 

[BrandiBri]

When you talk to a therapist, just tell him/her about your feelings, fears and what your goals are. You will not be tested or have to check off a list. The therapist will listen to you and be able to determine what course to take. This could take more than one session or, as in my case, one session was all it took. 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Brandi

[Mallion]

Just now, BrandiBri said:

When you talk to a therapist, just tell him/her about your feelings, fears and what your goals are. You will not be tested or have to check off a list. The therapist will listen to you and be able to determine what course to take. This could take more than one session or, as in my case, one session was all it took. 

I hope this is helpful.

 

Brandi

Oh wow, so it really sounds like its not a case of convincing them, but just talking about what I want to achieve? In that case, that doesn't sound scary at all. So as long as  I'm honest and tell them how I feel, they're not likely to tell me "we cannot help you"? Thank you!

[BrandiBri]

Just now, Mallion said:

that doesn't sound scary at all

 

 

I know that taking the first step is intimidating, but it really isn't that hard. Good luck hun, you'll do fine. 

 

Brandi

[jae bear]

Hi Mallion,

I think you just summed up what many of us here have felt and thought all along, I know I fit your profile to a T, so in that way we are very similar, even if years apart... I wish I had the courage you do at that young age, I am quite jealous of your opportunity to start fresh. I completely agree with the jealously of other women's bodies, I get it every time I go to pick up my daughter from school and see all the curvy little mommies waiting for their children!

hugs,

Jae

[VickySGV]

26 minutes ago, Mallion said:

I'm only a few days since coming out and I'm worrying about what's months down the line already,

 

Take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and it will turn out as the best for you.  Each therapist is different and some may be more checklist oriented than others, but it all works out in the end in your favor, but it won't be overnight or just a single appointment.  Do be honest and do not look for a magic answer that will answer and overcome all their caution. 

[Jani]

Hello Mallion and welcome.  As others have said, don't worry.  A therapists job is not to give you an answer, either positive or negative.  They are trained to guide to you finding you.  Be honest as you can be and you'll be surprised where you will go. 

 

Jani 

[Gwen]

Hello Mallion. Welcome! Your very first post here is filled with details and information that would be helpful to a clinician as they try understand you and your situation better. Initially, you're not qualifying for anything - you're only seeking gender therapy. Like others have said, you're hoping to be led to a new level of understanding. I think you already have the language to talk about your confusion and it get easier over time.

 

Good luck. Can't wait to get updates

 

Gwen