Feminine Gay Guy or Transgender Female

[Narissa]

Hello all,

 

I'm battling with myself over the issue of who I am in regards to gender. There are two things I know: 1) I was born male and have been identifying as such up until this point an 2) I am attracted to males and only males. This, of course, led me to come out as gay, and I thought I had figured that out. However, now I'm starting to doubt if that is the full extent of who I am. I started to think I might be transgender after I went shopping without my parents for the first time and I went directly to the women's section to buy clothes. I got a few women's blouses and I loved them when I tried them on. I was wearing one when I came I got home and my mother was shocked. She came to me later that night and told me that she had "looked it up online" and discovered that "only transgender people wear women's clothes and not gay people." I immediately brushed it off as ridiculous; I was gay, not transgender. Where did she even get that from? But that made me doubt and consider my gender for the first time. I know I want to be feminine; I always like my voice being high, and I want to wear makeup, jewelry, and dresses. I also have always felt uncomfortable in my body, especially hating my body and facial hair and my lack of pronounced hips. I thought there were basically two options for me: straight or gay male. But, after doing research into more aspects of the LGBTQ+ community, I see there are other options that might suit me better. I know I should shy away from labels, but I think it comes down to this; I want to know if i'm transgender or not because I want to know if I should pursue any sort hormone therapy or such to begin transitioning while I'm still young. I know that only I can really figure this out, but I just wat some advice, especially from people here that might have dealt with this idea of delineating whether they were feminine men or full on women.

[Dev]

Hello Narissa, and welcome!

 

To kick things off, I'll throw out a disclaimer: everyone's experiences are unique, so take what you will from them but don't apply them to yourself as if they're gospel.

 

That being said, I identified as a gay man until I was almost 30.  Until around that time, I had incredibly limited self-awareness.  I knew what the trans condition was, and I supported the trans community, but it never once occurred to me that I might be part of it.  Then I met a trans woman who assumed - correctly - that I was also trans, and I denied it.  But she introduced me to more of her trans friends, and one day it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  After that, so much of my life up to that point suddenly made so much more sense.

 

Now then.  Your mom is wrong.  There are cisgender people who enjoy crossdressing.  "Crossdresser" is the word for it.  We do include crossdressers under the trans umbrella for purposes of community, but they identify firmly with the gender they were assigned at birth.  Some enjoy wearing clothes typically "meant" for the opposite sex because they're in touch with their inner femininity, some do it because they find it sexually appealing, and others can have countless other reasons for doing it.  The point is, enjoying wearing clothes that aren't assigned to your gender doesn't, by itself, make you trans.

 

What you want to ask yourself is, are you happy with your body as it is?  Are you at all distressed at the thought of having male anatomy?  Do you think you'd be more comfortable in your own skin if you had breasts and wide hips?  If simply living in the body you were born into causes you discomfort or pain, that's your sign that you're trans.  Needing your body to change to align with your personal experience of gender is the definition of transsexual; anything else is just window dressing.

 

If you have more questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

[Daisy Mae]

Narissa, When I was a young boy I went through the same issues that you are going through right now. I grew up with two older sisters who for anything I wanted so much to be like them and play house, have tea parties, play with dolls, and later wear skirts, dresses, and heels, and make-up like my big sisters. I still dismissed it as being Gay because like you I was only attracted to men, but I had a little side thing as what I called a cross dresser. I also got no support and was practically shamed my my parents for all of this. Once I really looked inside myself and came to the determination that I was attracted to me but I was also disgusted by the fact of doing anything sexually with them in the outward body that I was in. This led me to research and eventually to knowing all along was was a female living in a males body. I had to wait until I was 18 years old and able to move out of my parents home and into with my supportive oldest sister. Both of my sisters have been extremely supportive throughout this entire process. I now am 40 years old and been through the entire full transition MTF process and have been living as a women for 5 years now and loving every minute of it. I hope this helps or at least helps you explore your own inner self.

 

~Daisy Mae

[Jani]

Hello Narissa and welcome.  Good advice and commentary from my friends.  I hope to see you around the forum.

 

Jani

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome toTrans Pulse, Narissa.  Like my friends, I certainly understand your confusion.  It IS a confusing subject for many, and sexual attraction does get mixed up in it, which often makes the confusion worse.

 

All the advice you've received is good stuff.  I would add one more; if you can, talk to a gender therapist about your feelings.  They shouldn't tell you whether you are trans, because only you can do that, but they will help you figure things out and get you to ask yourself all the important questions.  Not only that; if you do determine that you're trans, they can help you figure out what comes next, and what you need to know, and do, to make transition successful, if that is the road you want to take.

 

Ask questions, and we'll be here with (hopefully) good answers.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie