When do you know you need to transition?

[tesla1026]

I'm questioning my gender again and I need some advice on when you know you should transition. 

 

I've been out in my personal life for nearly 6 years and the vast majority of that time I have identified as transmaculine non binary/genderfluid. I guess I feel a little guilty because I feel like I should know myself a little better at this point. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty and I know that people jump back and forth over the course of their lifetime and all this other stuff about spectrums and fluidity and flux, but even if I "know" that I don't "feel" that acceptance when it comes to myself. 

 

I see a psychologist and have been discussing whether or not I want/need to transition and if so, in what ways. I don't want to get on T, I don't want surgery, I don't want to go through all of that. It's not because I don't want to shape myself that way, its because I'm afraid of medical stuff and having to come out to the rest of the people in my life. So I'm trying to figure out if the trans part of me needs to transition but the squeamish part of me is over powering them. I've been imagining how my life would be if I had been male assigned at birth and I know I'd still be sorta non binary. I feel like if I had been male assigned at birth I wouldn't be thinking about physically transitioning.  

 

Like if there was a button I could press where I'd have all the medical stuff paid for and had a promise that my family and coworkers would be cool with I'd still hesitate and have to think about pressing it. BUT if there was a button I could press where I would have been male assigned at birth and still have to deal with being non binary and dealing with family and coworkers who would NOT be cool with it I would press that button in a heartbeat. 

 

What does that mean? Has anyone else felt similar? Is a part of me telling me I need to transition and I'm just letting stuff hold me back?

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Take more time to think about it maybe.

 You kind of get to make up your vision of what you want to be.

[DenimAndLace]

What does it mean to you to transition?  You say you've been out for 6 years but if so, haven't you transitioned at least a little??? To me, transition is baby steps as much as it is leaps and bounds.  Does transition mean hormones and surgery???  There are a lot of things you can do to "transition" before you broach those two behemoths. 

 

...By most standards, I've completed the "transition checklist" give or take a couple things.  And I'm beginning to understand that I cannot become something or someone entirely different than I already am; I can only be ...me.  "Me" happens to like long hair, mostly feminine attire, no body hair, makeup and has preferences about the genitalia attached to my body.  "Me" is also rather sensitive and emotional and prefers deep conversations and relationships with other females.  "Me" is mechanically gifted and likes doing tactile things with my hands.  "Me" takes great pride in seeing the results of my labor.  As much as I want to be the person I imagine in my head (congenial, attractive cis female), I can only be ...me.  No surgery, no hormone, no nothing is going to make me into that imaginary person.  ...So I'm learning to be content to be me.  Yes, I've changed a lot of things about myself and my body but shedding my former self entirely and taking on the ideal in my head is impossible.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say @tesla1026 is, I know what it's like to be conflicted about my gender and I'm sorry you too have to deal with it.  It's not fun and it is pretty debilitating but there are things you can do to relieve the stress it causes you if you can find the courage to do them.  You've taken at least a few steps to express your true identity, maybe you need to take a few more.  But SOME of the work you'll need to do is to learn to be comfortable with yourself, to some extent, AS you are.  It's not easy, I know, but I'm glad you shared your thoughts here and I hope we can help you in some way.

[tesla1026]

Thanks Rachel and DenimAndLace! 

I mean medically transition. I get what you're saying about always being "Me" I think. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is figuring out when I need outside help to be comfortable and when it's just a tough month you know? 

[DenimAndLace]

8 hours ago, tesla1026 said:

Thanks Rachel and DenimAndLace! 

I mean medically transition. I get what you're saying about always being "Me" I think. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is figuring out when I need outside help to be comfortable and when it's just a tough month you know? 

 

Uh huh.  Let me know when you figure that one out.  I struggle with my gender every day.  When I get dressed, when someone misgenders me on the phone, when someone who knows I'm trans fails to include me in a "gendered activity" etc.  I need a little help all the time it seems but I'm stronger now than I used to be.  Pre transition, the angst was completely internal.  During transition; it was like being outdoors in a hurricane.  Post transition is back to being internal but I'm defining myself on my terms and if the people around me don't like, I find new people and that helps.  I guess I've learned to avoid my triggers as much as possible and learned to deal with the ones I can't avoid.  I had to mourn the literal loss of half my family, several friends and my church community but the dust from that is mostly settled now and a new normal is almost in place. 

 

A good therapist with regular monthly or even "as needed" appointments isn't a bad idea either.  If you're not on a medical transition path, they don't have to be experienced in that area and you'll want to keep shopping until you find the one that meets your needs.  I had one medical therapist and one non-medical.  The non-medical one, who helped me with relationships and the rejection I felt, was by far the most helpful overall.  I hope you find the peace you're looking for quickly Tesla. 

[Guest Rachel Gia]

I can only tell you when it was right for me and I committed to transitioning late in life.

I had left a friendship with a cis woman and there just like there was now where else to go for me but ahead with it.

I had been thinking about it since I was around 14 and lived on that cliff for amny years with pot being one way of coping with the dysphoria and booze the other. I thought that the right relationship might help but it did not help.

I disagreed with the requirements laid out by the medical community in those days in so many ways it's not worth writing them down but fear of exile from my friends and later on my kids was a big one.

Finally it just seemed like everyone else was getting on with their lives and I was not.

I decided to transition in whatever way was right for me and asked for help from my GP and did my intake into my provinces trans program.

All the way along it has been a no where else to go but forward scenario and probably the most wonderful thing I ever done for myself.

I shared at my 11 year AA cake last night on the 2 types of fear:

- healthy fear, which is the type of fear that says don't go down that dark alley in the bad area of town.

- unhealthy fear, which is type of fear that keeps you frozen in time such as the fear of happiness or rejection.

For me unhealthy fear shines the light on the doors I should open.

 

 

 

[Jani]

Hey Tesla.  Don't beat yourself up over not "knowing" yourself better. We all reveal pieces of ourselves throughout life.  Seeing how you've been identifying as transmaculine, non binary/genderfluid for some time I would suggest you are transitioning.  Many do socially transition but never do medical due to various reasons.  Every choice is valid and personal.  You don't need T or surgery to transition.   If you are concerned about coming out to friends and family yet you (and they) are fine with your current presentation then don't go further.  Live as you wish and be happy.  If you are not, changeup a little.  It's up to you.  

 

Jani

[VickySGV]

Only time I have seen people be sure they need to medically transition is AFTER they have consulted with a medical professional and possibly begun to do it.  If medical transition is right for you, it will reveal itself early in the cycle, and if it is not right, you will know it in a short time, time enough to reverse it if you are under a doctors care.  If it is right for you, then you are on the way.  My point is that medical consultation is the only way to go and REALLY know.  If you cannot get the personal decision made to seek medical help, then the time is not right for you at that point. 

[tesla1026]

Hi everyone thank you for the advice so far! I really do appreciate it! 

 

I am seeing a psychologist every week for a while now and have been going to other ones off and on for a few years. A few sessions back he offered to write me letters I needed to send to a medical doc he works with all I have to do is ask him for it. So I do have all of that paperwork available if I want to get on T or whatever. I asked him if he thought I was ready based on what we had been working on for a while and he said that it was up to me. And I really lucked out with him since he specializes in LGBTQ stuff. So I've got plenty of opportunity I'm just trying to decide what to do I guess. 

 

 

[Jani]

On 5/17/2018 at 12:19 AM, tesla1026 said:

I asked him if he thought I was ready based on what we had been working on for a while and he said that it was up to me.

Nick, this is good news.  Your counselor is there to help and assist you not direct your life.  You've found a good partner on this journey.  You can move at your own pace.  Take your time to decide what is right for you.

 

Jani