Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Aro

Feeling Optomistic

Recommended Posts

Aro

Today was a busy day of yard work and home cleaning as my half-sister and her boyfriends are coming down to stay with us for a month until their home is ready, In the morning i felt like -crap-. My binders weren't quite doing their job well enough and the outline of my body was really irking me. I did not feel like me, i felt like this weird zombified half version of me but whatever, i was just gonna be cleaning mystery foods from the fridge that would be so fuzzed over you couldn't tell what it was and dog poop from the yard. As i headed out into the backyard in some work boots and cargo shorts something felt good? I'm not sure how to describe it and it's not like girls can't do heavy duty backyard work but as i was raking and cleaning and digging it felt amazing. I felt free and like a man lifting up wood and making a compost area for my mother's garden and hauling around heavy bags filled to the brim with plastic bits that my dog had chewed into tiny chunks around the yard. I began to fantasize a bit about the idea of being a father and a husband and building a cool little playhouse for my son or daughter or in between if they happened to by chance be non-binary and the idea of the words in general. Thinking of having a bunch of snakes and reptiles and having my kid help me out and calling me dad as we worked together to clean out the enclosures and my wife or husband calling me their husband to family members. Something about it felt so right and as i tried to make the mental switch to mother and mom and wife it didn't feel as good. I couldn't picture myself as those things.

 

As i finished up the yard my parent's sister and i headed off to Walmart to grab some bug spray for the yard. I was wearing just an old sweater and some cargo shorts and shoes and headed out the door thinking i looked like -crap- until i caught myself in the reflection of the car. I was flat chested and my jaw looked particularly square, my fingers brown and stained from working in the mud and i smiled. A small smile of course but one none the less as another word popped into my head. Boy. Brother came to mind as i sat beside my sister, my legs thick with hair that i now see as fortunate since i'm not trying to shave like i had been before. I was more confident walking around that Walmart looking like a hot sweaty mess than i had ever been in booty shorts and a halter top before.I trudged behind my dad the word son popping into mind as i carried the heavy container of bug spray out to the car. 

 

I was content but the real kicker was about thirty minutes ago. I was tired and heading to bed and i stepped into the bathroom with this t-shirt and usually, t-shirts suck because outlines and dysphoria but as I peeked into the mirror i realized either i had bought the shirt too big or my binder was really doing it's job because i was completely flat chested. It was almost like my breasts weren't even there. I strutted around a bit with this new found flatness being extremely happy with my ability to look semi muscular although i never work out and i was ecstatic. It felt right. I felt like a teen boy, not an awkward in between. I don't get a ton of days where i actually love how i look but in accepting that i'm most likely transgender i've felt more confident than ever especially after coming out to a dear online friend of mine whose first response was. "Alright then, do you want he/him pronouns now?" without even batting an eye at the revelation. 

 

I feel like i want to come out, though i won't right now just yet i'm sure it'll come soon and then i can really start the road to being who i am. Now a new word has popped into my head. Optimistic.

Share this post


Link to post
SugarMagnolia

That sounds so good, Aro! Those moments of seeing ourselves and having it look right are great, and the moments of feeling ourselves and envisioning a future where we get to be who we know ourselves to be is amazing!

It's great that your friend was so supportive and natural. Those moments of affirmation are priceless. Sounds like you had a great day all in all. May tomorrow bring another one!

Julie

Share this post


Link to post
Kirsten

I love days like that Aro. When everything just clicks and you feel confident in who you are. It’s like I know I don’t necessarily look “good” and I’m sure I’ve looked a hundred times better to the public in my boy mode, but even so you get that confidence in yourself. And that confidence is so reaffirming to me. 

I am happy you had that day! There will be many more to come I’m sure. Here’s to the future!! 

Kirsen. 

Share this post


Link to post
Cyndee

Good for you Aro ! It's just like replacing Gender Dysphoria with Gender Euphoria 😊

 

Cyndi -

Share this post


Link to post
BrandiBri

I agree with everyone here. The feeling of looking and feeling right is priceless. I like the term "gender Euphoria" 

 

Brandi

Share this post


Link to post
Jani

Congratulations on a wonderful time just being you!  It certainly feels good.

 

Jani 

Share this post


Link to post

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 127 Guests (See full list)

    • Janeshannon
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Lexa83
    • Willa
  • Topics With Zero Replies

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      68,402
    • Total Posts
      618,913
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      5,374
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Avery Ann
    Newest Member
    Avery Ann
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Raider901234
      Raider901234
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.kmbc.com/article/kansas-city-police-investigate-possible-murder-at-vacant-home/28182279   Not much info in this article.  I'll update it tomorrow.     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.northcountrypublicradio.org/news/story/38975/20190625/vermont-insurers-can-t-deny-care-for-transgender-youth   Carolyn Marie
    • Ellora
      Happy Birthday! 💜
    • Ellora
      HAppy belated birthday! 💜
    • BerndB
      Thank you, I just think, that it does get to me, to have been going forward and backward the last two years. And then having a consultant, which is not very sensitive and not very forthcoming with information. Anyway, it is good to speak about it and getting it off my chest.
    • VickySGV
      Good going girl!!   For some of them it is following the herd of ants and not intentional meanness to you for others, their concepts of "reality" need to grow up, but for now you have done what was really left to do.
    • Ellora
      Go with your bad self! Woohoo! 🤗 Thats great that you had the strength and courage to rid the negative people from your life. No time for that nonsense. Very Happy for you! 💜
    • VickySGV
      Thank you for the additional info there, it does help to know what is going on.  My Endocrinologist explained one thing to me that may help a tiny bit.  It is not the levels in your blood that determine effectiveness.  Our bodies have receptor cells for the hormones that they need to pass through in order to work.  In my case, I did have constantly low doses and still they did a satisfactory, but not phenomenal job of bringing me to where I most likely  would have been if they had started at age 11 instead of age 60.  It did take me nearly 4 years to max out in most ways and longer in a couple of others.
    • BerndB
      Hi, looks like I've got a bit more explaining to do. In Scotland you see a specific clinic for transgender problems, but your local GP has to then write out the prescription orders, once the clinic got in contact with them. I had problems with the local GP and also there was a problem with the general supply of the prescription on and of for about  a year. The supply is now steady and I found eventually a surgery, which is prepared to write out the prescription, but still see the consultant from the transgender clinic. He did prescribe the various dosages. This is not something I have decided to do on my own. Sorry, if I came across wrongly there.
    • Raven1981
      Just want to share that today I had to do the hardest thing and that I had to get rid of 2 old friends off my social media and block there phone numbers.   These were friends that I grew up with since I was little and when I came out, they said that they were alright with me and that they support me.  But then I found out that they were posting hateful Trans things on social media, one of my friends told me that I will never be a real woman.  Both of my old friends I am finding out were actually hating and discrimating against the LGBTQ community.  So I deleted them from all my social media, blocked their numbers and told myself, that I don't need to be around this type of hate.  I am happy and confident to finally be me and I don't need these type of people in my life who are hurtful.   So I am feeing myself from negative people.
    • Jani
      Hi BerndB.  I think your doctor may have been a bit harsh there with that admonishment.   It seems obvious to me your levels are not consistent with you're dosages but I am not a doctor.  I assume being in the UK you are under care of the NHS.  Is there a better way to ensure a steady supply?  Is it a local issue or country wide problem?   I don't know anything about T methods of delivery so you should discuss this with your doctor or another medical professional.   Jani 
    • VickySGV
      Welcome to the Forums, I hope we can give you some direction here.   How are you getting your levels checked if the doctor is not ordering the tests and evaluating them as they are done?  If the doctor is evaluating the results and sees no problem, then there is not much to be done.  Trying the "various dosages" (which we cannot discuss on these forums) without the doctor's approving the change or monitoring it over a long period of time is very hazardous and will create some strange effects that are not going to be fun.  The fact that you have an unreliable source of the drug may indicate that another more certainly supplied medication is what is needed here so you do not get peaks and valleys.  You are looking at 3 to six years for full physical maturity of the HRT effects comes on and in that period things go fast and slow just as is.  By all means get a second doctor to review and consult with your doctor but do not become that consulting doctor by wishing. 
    • Charlize
      I have severe coronary artery disease and could never consider anything other than topical E.  Shots or pills would be risky at best.  It took a long time before Dr.  McGinn in consultation with my cardiologist worked out a plan for me.  They would never allow the other methods of using E as they are much more likely to have serious side effects including clotting which would be fatal for me.  Saying that injections are safest is totally incorrect!   I am not an MD and neither are other member here so please remember to speak to your doctor who knows your medical issues.  There are many false thoughts out there which is why we don't allow members to speak of dosages here.  What may work for one may cause terrible damage or death to another.  This site was started by a woman who suffered terrible damage but fortunately survived. If the pro and cons of various delivery devises continues to be discussed here this thread may be removed.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Charlize
      Welcome Tammy Anne.  I think you will find you are not alone.  Anyone who tells you they don't live with at least occasional doubts is probably less than honest.   The trick for me was to find self acceptance.     Hugs,   Charlize
    • BerndB
      Hi, I'm new here. I had been on and off testogel for the last 2 years due to having supply problems and very unhelpful GPs. When I am on testogel, my testosterone levels are way to high, in the 50s, often my estrogen levels as well. I kept on trying various dosages, but either they are too high or, when low enough, like in the lower 20s, then I seem to go pretestosterone. Like my voice, which hasn't settled yet, is going up, my hair changes again, I gain a typically female proportioned body, loose my physical strength to pretestosterone levels and become severely depressed. Also, I have not experienced any change with my clitoris. When I talk to my doctor, he doesn't believe that I go pretestosterone and thinks that I am like a testosterone junkie, also thinks, that it is just pot luck, whether anything happens at all with your clitoris. But he offered, that maybe I should go on 3 weekly or 3 monthly injections. Apart from the fact, that the 3 monthly injections seem to be much more painful, he did not explain the differences between the 2 types of injections. The whole thing is slightly getting me down, also now twice being compared to a testosterone junkie makes me start doubting myself. I really don't know how to deal with this guy. Anyway, would be great if anybody knows a bit more about those different types of injections.
  • Upcoming Events

×
×
  • Create New...