Just need to vent

[Cindy Truheart]

I'm giving up on dating. It's been two years since I first started trying to date men. I didn't know I was straight and only dated women before. So far I've managed to date three guys out of the hundreds who have practically overwhelmed me during this time. I've been selective to make sure that I'm being safe and I've been trying to pick the good ones. Turned out that the first one was cheating on his wife. The second one said he was Polyamourous and I got to meet his wife. But he didn't treat me like someone he was dating, he was a gentleman until he got what he wanted, then I was no longer worth his time. The third one has been more like a combination of the two, I suspected that he was married but let it slide because he insisted. He bent over backwards to come see me when he lives more than an hour from me and was everything you could imagine when we went out. Once he got what he wanted, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him for a week and a half before I finally decided to give up on him.

 

To be honest, not dating shouldn't be a real loss anyway. My dysphoria is so severe and with those men's inability to treat me like a woman in bed, it pretty much made it impossible to get anywhere. I spent most of the time fighting to stay in the moment and realizing too late that I hadn't said anything about what he was doing wrong before he'd moved on. I've never been able to keep them past any levels of intimacy, once I decide to fool around even a little bit I can say goodbye. Which means I don't have time to teach them anything that would help my experience. These have been the best of the best that I could find who may have a chance in hell of clicking with me, and I got nothing but scorn or furtive looks to see if the neighbors are watching. And despite enjoying being with these guys and being willing to pursue a relationship, they have either treated me like trash or like something to be rid of before the neighbors complain about the smell.

 

People keep telling me that it'll happen, to be patient. When I tell them how horrible the dating scene is for me they tell me to be positive. I hear a lot about "good guys are out there" and someone always has some hopeful story to tell me. Sometimes they say that I shouldn't base my happiness on others, but I'm not trying to do that, I'm just trying to see what it's like to be with someone I'm actually attracted to instead of playing mental gymnastics in my own head. Some tell me to become a lesbian, which makes me want to rip their heads off because if I had ANY control over this I WOULDN'T be dating men! And besides, I did that once and sucking down half a bottle of vodka in order to be with a woman was a little extreme. I can't do that anymore, I just can't. Just thinking about trying to be with a woman makes me want to go get a drink. But what NOBODY seems to understand is that, other than safety, my standards are LOW. Guy #2 was twelve years older, broken down, obese, with a heart condition and erectile dysfunction! Not to mention a face like a hatchet! I mean, you can't say I haven't been willing to kiss some frogs here...

 

My ex-wife/roommate has been "using men like tissue paper" to "get over you"(me). She tells me almost everything about her encounters and if I don't listen then she gets bent out of shape. She says that we're just friends now so she is doing like any other friend.  Her advice to me is to do the same as her. What she can't understand is that it's more dangerous for me, my dysphoria gets in the way, and guys can't seem to do anything that feels good for me. So despite being more turned on and more into it than I've ever imagined was possible, I get nothing and instead I get to deal with her having a great time while I have to vacate the apartment or the living room or whatever so that she can have her fun. It's like she's rubbing my nose in the fact that I'm not cis and I'm having such a difficult time. She actually thanked me for coming out yesterday, she said it's been the greatest thing that's ever happened to her because she doesn't have any inhibitions now and is all about just getting laid.

 

And then I look to my future. I'm early 40's and my family has a history of dying early, nobody has lived past 65. Right now I attract men who like trans women. After I get my surgery they are gone, forget it. So, what's left? How many men are willing to get with a trans woman who's had surgery and isn't looking for a one night stand? The way I see it, my dating pool is being shrunk down to the size of cereal bowl left out in the rain. And my time is running out fast, faster than even I could guess more than likely, I had a grand parent who went at age 52.

 

So I'm giving up. I'm going to be celibate and I'm going to ignore men. Part of me is still terrified of them anyway, so, easy enough to let that be my guide. I'll stay away from them and they can continue staying away from me. It's not like they've been hitting on me anyway, I don't think any of them has even looked twice even after FFS. I'd probably have to sink $40k into my body to get a reaction out of them and I'll never be able to afford that so screw it. I'll continue to be ugly, fat, drunk, and single. At least it seems to be working so far.

[Carolyn Marie]

Cindy, dating after 40 is not easy even for most cis women, so you're in the same boat with a whole lot of other fine ladies.  Personally, I think its perhaps easier to find someone when you aren't actively looking, than when you are.  You just never know what's around that next corner.

 

Have you ever given thought to a trans man?  There are a lot more around than you might think - they're just a lot harder to spot.  I know many trans women who have great relationships with trans men, both in real life and Web life, and some got married to their partners.  Just some food for thought.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.  I hope it helped to get things off your chest.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Cindy Truheart]

The only trans men I'm friends with are either gay or in a relationship. And just like all the other men, none of the rest even looks at me from what I can tell. I'm tired of the whole thing anyway. I'm going to shove it back into the box and close the lid, lock it, wrap chains around it, and put it into a dark place. I never should have let it get out in the first place.

[Cindy Truheart]

On 6/19/2018 at 4:38 PM, MaryMary said:

my ex is overweight and I lived with her for the last 4 years. I was on the frontline to see how it is to be dating for her. The dating scene is very hard for her too. If you are a cis woman and fall not too far from the social beauty norm then it can be easier. But, if you have anything significantly out of the beauty norm it's really really hard to find someone online.

 

I live with my ex. She is morbidly obese on the scale of qualifying for surgery, no questions asked. She has five guys on the hook and regularly goes out on dates or just invites them over for sex depending on what she wants. Your ex just wasn't looking in the right places.

[VickySGV]

I gave up years ago.  At 70 , and as young looking for that age as I am I just don't get offers from any one I would care to date.  I am demi-sexual or asexual and yet I get out in groups where I have a good time with no baggage or trash to throw out afterward.  I wish sometimes I had a "playmate", but at my age, all their play ideas drive me crazy.