Hi, everybody

[Ollie_R]

Um... Hi, everybody. I'm a bit new to the whole forum thing, so, please bear with me if I'm rambling or anything like that.

 

I go by Oliver, or Ollie. I'm 19 years old, FtM, gay, and I just finished up my first year at college. I decided to make an account basically because I think talking anonymously on the internet is easier than actually talking to a friend face to face. I've always found it difficult to trust people, so some level of anonymity definitely helps. I'm hoping this will help me learn to open up more.

 

Basically I want to feel better about myself. I made a list for a new years resolution last week (I know we're halfway through the year ? Working on my procrastination problem IS on the list, just FYI). I titled it "Operation: Make Me Hate Myself A Bit Less." And step one is to get more comfortable with my gender identity.

 

I'm out of the closet at school, but not at home. I was pretty scared of my mother, and I never wanted to tell her since she was always pretty openly hostile towards transgender and gender queer people (It really frightened me that she was wildly open minded in comparison to my extended family). I know this sounds horrible, but my plan was basically to stay in the closet until after college and then move out and cut off all contact with my family and start the process of transitioning. But, my mother died early this year, and this is going to sound even more awful, but it opened up so many doors for me. I filled out paperwork yesterday to change my preferred name at school, I'm planning on coming out to my brother, who is really cool with LGBT issues. So I've just kind of found myself in a position where I'm able to learn about who I am and who I want to be for basically the first time in my life. And, it's honestly pretty scary.

 

But, anyway. Thanks for letting me ramble.

 

I hope you're all doing well!

- Ollie

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Ollie.  While I am sorry about the passing of your mother, I can certainly empathize with how you feel about those doors finally being open for you.  I do hope that coming out to your brother works out as well as you think it will. 

 

We have a fair number of trans men around here, including JJ, our resident trans man Moderator.  I am sure they will come by to say hello.  In the meantime, enjoy what the site has to offer, and feel free to ask any questions.  Thanks for sharing some things about yourself.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[BrandiBri]

Welcome Ollie, don't worry about rambling, you are putting your feelings in writing and that is a good thing. I understand being scared because this is a big change. We all have a tendency to fear the unknown. I would suggest finding a gender therapist as a first step as they can help and guide you as you learn about yourself. I realize that you find it hard to talk to people face to face, and that it may seem impossible to talk to  a therapist, I've been there and it was a difficult decision to make. But it was the best thing that i could have done. 

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Charlize]

Welcome Ollie.  Glad you've joined us.  You made me smile writing about procrastination and then unhappy about your mother.  

Dealing with my loved ones was the hardest part of my transition.  I'm glad you are dealing with those issues now.  I waited until my 60's.  Talk about procrastination!   I found my time here was a great help in dealing with my fears.  Hope you do as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

Hello Ollie.  Welcome to the forum.  I hope you join in the discussion.  I'm sorry to hear of your mother's passing but it does appear that it has allowed you to move forward.  Oh course all this change is scary.  It is/was for all of us so you're not alone in that regard.  You're taking positive steps with your name and thinking about speaking with your brother.  I think he'll be OK with this news.  Best of luck. 

 

Jani 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Ollie,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you've found us.

 

I know this can be scary, but we won't bite!?

 

Not sure how you'll take this, but when I grew up our family dog, an English Cocker Spaniel, was named Oliver or Ollie for short.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[tracy_j]

Hi Ollie

 

Welcome ? 

 

Everyone's path is different, but in many ways the same. You will be understood here!

 

Tracy

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Ollie, welcome to transpulse!! 

 

Hugs,

Marcie

[MaryEllen]

Hello Ollie,

Welcome to TransPulse.

 

MaryEllen

[Sam122]

Hey, Ollie! 

 

Sounds like we we have a bit in common. I like your resolution list idea and I think I’ll make one of my own! 

 

? Sam

[Annie]

Hi Ollie,

 

My father died when I was in college, just a couple of years older than you are now. That was over 20 years ago, but I still remember clearly the guilt I felt because, as sad as I was to lose my father, I knew his death was going to make my adult life so much easier. Someone once said "happiness emerges from struggle." As much as I hate that struggle is so much a part of life, I do think certain struggles open our eyes to who we want to be and what we want to do. I would like to believe that I would still be the person I am now without the struggles of my early life, but honestly, I can't know that for sure. What I do know is that when my amazing son came out to me as trans* a few months ago, my first thought was "how do I make him happy and whole?" because no one thought about that for me when I was thirteen. My love for him is pure and would be there either way, but would my fierce dedication to helping him be healthy, happy, whole, and recognized for who he is be quite so intense? I don't know. Many other parents don't seem to recognize that responsibility.

 

I am so angry and sad for what you are going through. I hope you can try to forgive yourself for being something other than just sad. It is okay to recognize where our parents failed us. It might even mean you are already on your way to loving yourself because you see that the fear and hatred you were taught is not okay. The amazing Hannah Gadsby (watch her on Netflix!) said that by the time she realized she was gay, she was already homophobic. My son was afraid to tell me he was trans* because I had always told him he was a girl and he didn't want to disappoint me. I didn't tell my loving husband the details of my childhood trauma for almost 20 years because my parents told us not to talk about what happened at home. We BELIEVE the words our parents say. It's time to start unbelieving your mother.

 

This is what I did to start to heal (maybe it will help you?): Paid attention to the nice things that friends, family, teachers, and coworkers said to and about me and noticed when they seemed positive towards me. Took those moments and held them closely and thought about them, especially when I started to beat myself up. (Preface: I know this next bit sounds dumb, but it worked for me) I stood in front of the mirror and said "I like you" over and over; At a later date, when I was ready, I moved onto "I forgive you." And at a later date, I said "I love you."  I talked myself through the feelings that came up when I said these things - actually having a conversation with myself. A lot of times, I cried. The good news is I feel better now and have for a really long time. And I'm still both sad and relieved that my dad died so I could live my life without his overly strong and dark shadow.

 

I hope that you will start to see all the things that make you awesome and own those things and love those things so you too can feel better. I am so happy you are here.

 

Love,

Annie