(MTF) I've got my prescription, but I'm very nervous to begin it and could use advice

[Megan Najjar]

Hi everyone, I used to post a lot on Laura's Playground when I was a teenager, and it helped me a lot. It really helped me figure things out, which was nice, because I live in a smaller town, and of the four therapists I tried out, none of them knew how to help a transgender patient. But I am 24 now, and I've just gotten my first prescription for HRT from Planned Parenthood, through the informed consent.

 

I had several concerns about it and I knew that there would be effects from the HRT, but I am especially nervous about a few of them, so I asked the doctor to start out on a low dose. I believe it's .xx MG estradiol (There was an issue with the prescription, I don't actually have the estrogen just yet. I'll resolve it tomorrow), and xx MG of Spiro. I am of Middle Eastern descent, so body hair is a problem for me. I told her that I am nervous about breast growth, and would really like to cool it with that until I get laser hair removal or something. She said that was fine, and that I can do one month of a low dose and see how I feel about it next time.

 

I know that I want my body to reflect the woman that I am on the inside, but permanency does scare me. Is this normal to feel? I do want breasts, but at the same time, if I am not actually happy with my results afterwards and choose to detransition, would I be stuck? I fear that breast removal would leave significant scarring. I'm nervous about sexual function as well, but much less so than with the breasts. I discussed it with my doctor, so I feel a bit better about it.

 

Is it normal to feel such doubts about it? Like, I know that I want to transition. I've known it for almost a decade since I came out, Just the idea that it's all permanent is bothering me. Thank you.

Edited June 25, 2018 by Jani
Dosage Amt not allowed

[tracy_j]

Hi, and welcome back

 

There are others here in a far better position to answer than myself as I have not fully transitioned, but will say that with any big change there will always be worries and 'what ifs'.  It is perfectly normal to have such thoughts. I think the time to worry greatly would be if you didn't. You are thinking rationally about things. You are also looking at things well by keeping your doctor in the loop. It's your decision and not one that you have to rush into. Think it through and choose what you want.

 

Good luck

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

Welcome back

  As to your question "Is it normal to feel such doubts about it?" i will simply say Yes.  I know i felt that way and others here have expressed that fear and doubt as well.  I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  

While i can understand the issue with facial hair it seems that if you start to deal with that now it shouldn't be a problem regarding breast growth.  As to sexual function things did change for me but they also seem just right for my age and sex.  We all have our own path with sexuality.  You might want to consider storing some sperm if you are feeling that you might want a child at some point. 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

I would say that all of these feelings are a good sign. It shows that you are thinking about this in a very healthy way. Thinking about your own happiness and safety. And even about the impact it’ll have on your friends and family.

Fear and doubt are just part of the landscape with transitioning. Every part can have a “what if”. What if this happens. What if I can’t. What if they don’t.  What if....... 

 Go at your own pace. Talk to your doctor about any concerns you have. And always work towards accomplishing your goals! If you do that it’ll all work out. 

❤️Kirsten

[Jani]

Welcome Megan.  I'm glad you rejoined us.  The low dosage will most likely give you less physical change than emotional, in my opinion, so I wouldn't be overly concerned with rapid breast growth.  Even if you had a little growth I believe if you stopped it would eventually diminish.  

 

As others have said, having these feelings is good.  We need to take care of our bodies.  

 

Jani

[Rachael]

All of your questions are valid and the fact that you are able to ask them shows that you are considering all of the possibilities. For me At about 5-6 weeks the mental and emotional changes were noticeable and  worth the effort. The breast tissue growth was slower to appear at about 4 months it became more comfortable to wear a sports bra than not by about 6 months things were notacible. Only you can decide what is best for you. Best of luck. 

[AJ]

Megan,

Rachel is correct in that your questions and fears are good for you to consider.

I am 64 and almost every event in my life that mattered, caused some form of doubt.

I had my doubts with starting HRT until I got brave and started 7 months ago.

Within a week when Spiro started shutting down the testosterone, I found the "mental peace" I was seeking since puberty.

I have moments where I am in awe of my new "girls" and still there is a frustration in that I am not completely "out" so that I still must hide them.

It is summer where I live and going to the beach has become frustrating as I can't go topless (because of the "girls") and I am not ready to go full female.

Go at your own pace and enjoy all of the new changes that are happening.

F.E.A.R. is an acronym for "False Evidence Appearing Real" - I like to think of it as "Find Every Affirming Reason" or something like that...

Be brave and love yourself

Hugs,

AJ

[VickySGV]

As I remember my first dose 9 years ago, it was based on "i know what will happen if I don't take it" and I was a bit scared to do it.  

[Wendy Girl]

Dear Megan.

I have the same sort of fears, I am married, the only bread winner in the family and I am very worried about being unemployable where I live. So, that weighs heavily on my mind. Also, presenting as female is of concern to my wife as well, compounding the issue!

I have breasts that are growing and I must admit I adore the changes so far, as HRT has given me a new sense of peace within myself.

I understand your fears very well, but if you have felt like this for so long, then be happy being you. You can hide it for a long time. I've been on a low dose of HRT for medical reasons for a while, but everything is good now and I'm on higher doses and T-blockers now, thankfully.

To be honest it's the best I've ever felt in my life, emotionally and now physical appearance is getting where I want to be, all be it slowly.

Take your time sister.... It isn't a race. ❤️

Wendy