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Confused And In Need Of Guidance


Natalie86

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14 minutes ago, jae bear said:

Hey Natalie and Adaline,

 both you girls are doing remarkably well, I know sometimes we feel like everything is going wrong around us but I can see between the cracks of light in your life that things are going the way they should even if at the moment you don’t see them, I’m proud of both of you! Adaline is absolutely right, people are not paying attention, they’re either too busy involved in their own interests or have their nose buried in their phones. A friend of mine clued me into a very comfortable bra lately, it’s the Haynes X Temp fabric bra,  it’s somewhat like a sports bra but it’s very comfortable, and it just looks like a tank top if it shows through your T-shirt. I ordered one not to feel girly in any fashion but because my girls need support after more than a year of estrogen, ha ha, I guess my lack of need for femininity is taking a backseat to my necessities as a female!  I found a super awesome pair of jeans the other day, they were an older variant of the Lee rider jeans, in a relaxed fit but the pockets are just a touch different and they fit perfectly well and feel awesome !  I wore them to group meeting last night and got some compliments even though I didn’t think anyone would notice, the only bummer is there is a button flap on the back pockets so good luck if you have a Wallet still, I realize my tactical purse is now a permanent item and hangs off my breakfast chair just like any other girls purse would normally ...  i’ve been blessed with some really awesome neighbors at my apartment, they are a really cute lesbian couple and I couldn’t ask for better neighbors, one of the girls went outside last night to get some fresh air and look at the stars and I heard her walk past my door so I got up from my computer while updating Facebook to go catch up with her since I haven’t talked with her in a week. She and her partner have been working double shifts and only had a few hours before needing to go back to work, her partner pulled up into her parking spot as we were talking. As her partner got out of her cute little car I noticed a different look on her face than I was not used to,  a slight bit of concern that I thought might be work related. It was dark and late but the streetlamp lit her features fairly well and I noticed her amazing tattoos, So I started to approach her as I wanted to know the story on the ink. She raised her hand above her brow so she could see me through the glare of the streetlamp and said, “oh Jae, I didn’t see you there I was wondering what girl was talking to my partner”? Which then made us all laugh because it was very apparent she was a touch concerned because of jealousy, and then we all laughed fairly hard after we had this settle upon us.  I think the reason for this had more to do with my fluffy no-mousse hair than anything else, except for the fact that my new awesome jeans and my bright light blue girls T-shirt were showing off curves that I haven’t had before, the lighting made my chest very apparently not male!  I do believe this is the very first time I have been visually correctly gendered, and I certainly wasn’t expecting it this soon, when you’re on estrogen you wait for things to happen but since you see yourself every day it’s hard to tell. I certainly hope my ex temp bra shows up soon as I don’t want to appear obscene in public without it !

 I must apologize for my terrible post above a post or two ago, I was unable to find my glasses and thought that I had carefully read through everything and spell checked, how horribly clear that I need my glasses at all times !!!  Ha ha ha !  Transitioning when you’re nearing 50 has some interesting aspects, while the rest of me seems to be getting younger my eyes betrayed me !

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

Hey Jackie.

 

I started wearing sports bras daily a while back. Even when I was smaller I had some boob, now that i am a little bigger I have alot of boob. My sports bras are both needed for support and to feel feminine throughout the day. I often wonder what will happen to my chest if I started estrogen. Maybe one day I will find out.  My girlfriend wears the Xtemp panties, but i didn't know they had bras. It is a nice feeling when we can just be who we are and feel that the people around us accept us as who we are. :). I am surrounded by fake people daily  who would not only be unwilling to accept my true self, they can't even accept thier own true self. My GF and I were  talking last night about our escape.  Meth labs run rampant around here and everyone asks why. I say it is becuase this community is so awful that most of the population feels the need to escape and meth is cheaper than moving. It's very sad to think about , but everyone  tells me" that can't be it" . I get told " If you can't be happy in South Carolina you won't be happy any where " I feel that just plays into the brain washing done in this little state. Sorry I went of on a tangent Iam just really mad at my home state right now. Where did you find your "tactical purse"?  I need a new bag mine is falling apart.

 

Hugs

 

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Dear Jackie,

 

Thank you so much for the encouraging words.  You  are so sweet and kind.  I just joined the site yesterday and already met so many nice people.  I have been carrying a purse for years.  On my third one now.  Where I worked before it was a very male dominated environment and the guys would call it my man bag but never thought much off it.  I now work in a female dominated office and have received many compliments on it.  Some have asked where they can by one. I found this one on amazon, real leather. 

 

I usally wear a regular bra, only saving the sport bras for times when a lot of hugging is to be expected.  Some online stores offer wide bands with small cups.  Herroom has transgender reviews of their bras, panties and shape wear.

 

Again, thanks for the positive encouragement and practica

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 Oh my goodness that’s an awesome bag ! I ended up ordering a leading lady 40A bra on the Internet, The leading lady series is rather utilitarian but it’s just the way I like it. I’m not entirely certain I’m going to fit  everything in an A but we have to start somewhere,  if I have trouble I’ll just follow up with a purchase for a B cup. I’m going out to  trans women support group tonight in a little bit, so  i’ve been wearing my 2XL fabric stretchy bra all day, it will definitely cut down on the public display factor I’ve been having trouble with. It’s also very comfortable I hardly realize I have it on at all!  I got my tactical bag years ago, and for the life of me I don’t remember where I ordered it but I’m sure you can find plenty of things like that on Amazon ...

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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Hey Jackie , or anyone else who could answer. 

I am dealing with a bit of a low right now. It almost feels as if my male side is beating my female side. She is holding on but I feel less joyful and less motivated.  Has anyone else felt this? If so did starting hormones remove this feeling?

Thanks,Natalie 

 

 

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 Hey Natalie, 

 I think we’ve all been there at some point, ups and downs all the time, and I don’t know if it’s just the HRT but I’ve been feeling remarkably better lately, the more I let the girl out the better I feel. Personally I love HRT, I love the way it has freed the confines of my mind, quieted down all the man noise and allowed me some female calmness.  Everyone’s experience on HRT is a little bit different, but I look forward to hearing how you feel someday when you’re on your path. I’m on a bit of a running high, I’ve had so many positive things happen in such a short period of time I feel a bit euphoric!  Being out in girl mode last night was so awesome I can hardly stand myself ! I realized all the fears and worries I had about being recognized in public were absolutely pointless, Once I stepped out the minivan door I headed on down the street to meet my friends at a restaurant and didn’t feel 1 ounce of anxiety,  I just felt happy. I now feel like I wasted so much time waiting for some female perfection to occur before I went out into the world, I have no idea why I did that or why I was so fearful but the more I travel on my path I realize things are getting better by the day, and I definitely see a wonderful female future for me and I’m enjoying all of these first steps !

 i’m sending all the positive energy I have your way and a great big hug as well, whatever your future decisions hold just know that Natalie is a smart and resourceful girl, let her take the reins for a while when you feel worn out, I bet she’ll surprise you !

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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20 minutes ago, jae bear said:

 Hey Natalie, 

 I think we’ve all been there at some point, ups and downs all the time, and I don’t know if it’s just the HRT but I’ve been feeling remarkably better lately, the more I let the girl out the better I feel. Personally I love HRT, I love the way it has freed the confines of my mind, quieted down all the man noise and allowed me some female calmness.  Everyone’s experience on HRT is a little bit different, but I look forward to hearing how you feel someday when you’re on your path. I’m on a bit of a running high, I’ve had so many positive things happen in such a short period of time I feel a bit euphoric!  Being out in girl mode last night was so awesome I can hardly stand myself ! I realized all the fears and worries I had about being recognized in public were absolutely pointless, Once I stepped out the minivan door I headed on down the street to meet my friends at a restaurant and didn’t feel 1 ounce of anxiety,  I just felt happy. I now feel like I wasted so much time waiting for some female perfection to occur before I went out into the world, I have no idea why I did that or why I was so fearful but the more I travel on my path I realize things are getting better by the day, and I definitely see a wonderful female future for me and I’m enjoying all of these first steps !

 i’m sending all the positive energy I have your way and a great big hug as well, whatever your future decisions hold just know that Natalie is a smart and resourceful girl, let her take the reins for a while when you feel worn out, I bet she’ll surprise you !

 Hugs, 

Jackie

Thanks Jackie, I know you can't see it but I am smiling. :) I hate feeling like I am in a constant battle with my identity.  I am going to try my best to let my femininity shine through. I have not had time lately to indulge in some self care so maybe that will brighten my mood. 

 

Hugs, Natalie

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 Hey Natalie, 

 I know it’s tough in the beginning, but believe me when I say you don’t need to battle with your identity, you know who you are, and because of this I know who you are, you are Natalie and she struggles to come to the surface at times because she’s covered up with the worries of the world and the failed expectations of others.  Society on the whole Would rather pretend that everything is black-and-white, ones or zeros, just as binary as it sounds, it certainly is not.  It may seem at times that our math does not work with the equation we were born with, but if you’re good with polynomials you can re-write the equation and change the variables. All the self professed experts will scoff, But at the end of the semester your math will be proven and your solution shown correct.  I guess what I’m saying is kind of simple and I’ve gone about it in a very complicated way of saying it.

Natalie you’re a girl, it’s so clear to me you’ve been dealt a difficult hand, and so have us all, that is why we band together here to hold each other up when one of us can’t stand, and there may come a time where I need your help standing on my own 2 feet but today I’ve got you by the arm  and I’m not letting go because you’re doing so well, the weak spots will fade and you will get your strength back. Do not lose faith, do not lose hope, we are all here to hold you up when your legs are weak until such time as you will step in for others when they need it as well. The reason that I say these words is that they were once said to me and I find myself  surprised to see my own two hands holding your arm to help steady you, and repeat these familiar words again, just from a very different perspective. I remember one of the most important things for me personally was getting a very good gender therapist to talk to, It became my weekly treat, he wasn’t always very easy on me but he got me to think, and opening my mind unlocked the door to my pathway and I’ve never seen such a beautiful green garden ahead of me in my life. Maybe it is time to consider what side of that Garden gate you would like to be on, because it very much appears to me you’d like to follow me on this side, wouldn’t you?

 Hugs, 

Jackie

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Natalie,

 

I know how it feels to have your true self eclipsed by social and biological expectations.  When those feelings hit it’s like the real you is being pushed into a dark place, a place where you feel you can never come back from.  Almost a year ago I was planning to kill my self, the darkness had become so great and the pain was unimaginable.  Thats when I started to see a gender therapist.  She literally was a life saver.  She helped me to face some scary truths about myself and to confront the lies that I had been telling myself since youth.  I know how I felt from the age of 5 but didn’t always know what it was or how to deal with it.  You spent your entire life denying it, trying to change it, but the feeling is always there.  In the last year I finally tried accepting it.  When I started to let Adaline live is when the darkness started to dissipate.  For a lot of reasons I need to stay part-time for the next few years.  This means that sometimes the darkness is going to start to creep back in.  HRT has really help.  It has calmed my spirit and soothed my soul.  This does not mean that I don’t have bad days, going into boy mode alway costs me something.  It’s like holding your breath, at first it’s no problem, then it starts to become uncomfortable, if done to long it becomes unbearable or even lethal.  I need to keep it from ever reaching that point.  Someday I will never have to enter boy mode again, I look forward to that day with all my heart.   

 

know that you are not alone and that there is a whole network of sisters and supporters that want you to be your true self.  you are so brave to be reaching out,  I admire your bravery and am inspired by it.  Keep reaching out, keep being brave.  Find ways to let Natalie live.

 

love and hugs from one of your sisters. 

Adaline

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Jackie and Adaline

 

I don't know exactly what to say. I have never had many people to talk to about this ,and now I find that I can not only talk but that I have support. Thank you both, I really needed both of your kind words today. Monday's are always hard for me in general becuase I don't get out of work until nearly 10 PM.  While cleaning up tonight I stopped for a moment and found both of your notes and in reading them I could almost feel Natalie swimming back to the surface. Jackie I feel that you are right. I am a girl! I am Natalie! I am so very worried about society. Things are a nightmare right now for the transgendered community especially in the southeast.  I work in childcare, and I love what I do. Parents trust me to help raise thier children. And most of them would demonize me if they knew my true self.  I polish my toes and no one but the little boys care, I shave my legs and wear a bra and no one notices. Maybe I could start slowly bringing Natalie out more. Just being carful not to do too much at once. One day I will fallow you in that garden Jackie as my true self:) I feel like both of you ladies are so much stronger than me. You are already on your way and I feel stuck behind. Thanks for holding me up even though I feel stuck. Adaline I have felt that point I have felt like I have had enough and I can't go on. I keep going with the thought that, "what if tomorrow changes everything" that one thought has kept me alive and somewhat sane at times of depression. The part that scares me me alot about finding a therapist is , what if I go through with this, start HRT and then come to see that it is the wrong choice. What If I really am male and just confused? But what if I am not? There are so many what if questions in my head it could drive me mad. Over all of that I want out of the darkness.  I want to meet my truest self . 

I don't feel brave, I feel very scared. Tonight as I finished reading your posts I looked up at the wall at work. My boss is rather sentimental and has alot of pictures and certificates on the walls. I saw one of mine, my birth name is Nathan. Through the glass of the frame and my eyes adjusting from my phone screen I saw Natalie. For one brief moment I felt as if I had been born Natalie and that everything I had done had been done as a female from birth. It was a nice feeling.

 

Thank you so much sisters, I think this may be my longest post. It's  2am my time and I feel wide awake. My mind is on what the future holds.

 

Love and hugs,

Natalie

 

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Hi Natalie,

 

I’m glad if I could be of some help. It’s too big a burden to be carried alone.  I’m not strong, I just have better support.  To get that support I needed to let people in.  That’s not easy and there is always the chance of rejection.  My therapist has been super helpful.  Being transgender is a broad spectrum.  There is no one way to be trans.  A gender therapist will help you to understand what’s best for you in a safe, nonjudgmental and confidentl environment.  Their goal is to help you alleviate the sufferings with the least possible impact on your life.  I’m no expert but it sounds like you may have gender dysphoria.  If that is the case, it only gets worse the older you get.  If it’s not gender dysphoria, it could very well be something else that needs to be addressed.  A therapist can help you to discover yourself.  Letting my dysphoria go on so long without help almost destroyed me.  I don’t want anyone to have to go through that hell.  You are so much braver than I was at the point your at.  Keep being brave and remember that any journey of self discovery is worth taking if it leads to the real you.

 

Stay strong my sister and know that there are those that care.

 

Adaline

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Thanks Adaline.

 

I am going to start looking for a therapist, hopefully in the coming months I can start seeing one.

 

Natalie

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 Hey Natalie, 

 Adaline said some very good things and brought up excellent points, everything she said about gender therapist is absolutely true, they will not push you into something that would be wrong for you, they’re only there to get you to ask the hard questions, and to somehow find a pathway out of the darkness. Mine did little more than help my life find direction,  there were no suggestions, there was no agenda, in fact there were questions on top of the questions that allowed me the directions, just kind of like looking at a Compass and double checking the map. Sometimes we find it hard to be honest with ourselves, even though it seems ridiculous that we can actually lie to ourselves and believe it  because we know better inside, right? But as crazy as it sounds we lie to ourselves all the time, it is called denial, and I have lived there for a very long time I know precisely the landscape, this is not a place you want to be, at least not for very long if you can avoid it. Denial is a place you use to survive for a bit, shelter from the storm even if not a great one,  A way to shut out everything including the negative things that get to you, sadly shut out the positive things too and it shows you nothing in the process. Denial is the process of shutting out all things, putting yourself in a gray prison of your own mind, and nobody likes prison, so denial is not a pretty place.  I willingly spent more than half my life there, 46 years incarcerated in my own denial was unbearable, and I could’ve walked out the door anytime I wanted to. My gender therapist showed me that the door was open, led me down a few hallways, and showed me where the front door was and that it was wide open if I chose to walk in that direction. I was out that door like a shot,  and even my therapist found a few things humorous about how diligent and purposeful my direction was...  I very much understand that something you love hangs in the balance, you have a career that means something to you, and I am there on the precipice now, reevaluating my entire career and about to change everything just so I can move forward, in one respect it will be a very positive move and in another respect it will be scary and new. I’ve spent a few days in  solid girl mode and I just can’t bring myself to break out back into boy mode, I threw on a boys shirt for several hours today and it made me nuts, I had to strip it back off and get my women’s T-shirt back on as soon as I ran out of breath. The Analogy of holding  one’s breath is extremely accurate, that is exactly how I felt, and I was starving for the oxygen that provided Jackie life, I know I’m going to need to duck under the surface now and then but she needs to breathe, so she’s gonna spend most of her time on the surface from now on. You’re going to find that this is very true for you as well,  while we all have unique pathways, and we all come to our knowledge in different methods, we all have one thing in common, we must be allowed to live and breathe in the world, and as soon as we use those lungs it becomes harder and harder and all but impossible to go back under and last for very long. Please let us know the moment you have an appointment with your therapist, I guarantee you the first meeting is going to be one of the best days of your life, even if it is going to be hard and full of difficult questions that require you to be so honest as to spill your innermost secrets when required. I promise it’s going to be OK, don’t hold your breath, it only makes things worse.

  Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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Thanks for the support Jackie, I really thought for along time that I was alone in how I felt. I would read about people who had transitioned and think" well they knew what they wanted" or "they must not have had any problems " . When reading those stories you never saw this part that I am in the struggle just to figure things out. When you were talking about you tee short I totally understand that! My Girlfriend does not understand sometimes why it matters to me that I use or wear somthing intended for women. She wears mens shirts sometimes like it is nothing and uses mens razors becuase they are cheaper and get a closer shave. But it really does make me feel complete to wear a soft feminine cut top or womens jeans or shorts. When you feel right and then are forced to feel not so right it does feel like you are holding your breath. All day I look forward to getting home so I can shower, apply my lotion and put on my nightie. Wearing a sports bra helps but the joy of being home and being Natalie is so much more fulfilling! I find mens clothing feels like mild sandpaper on my skin. I am not sure if mens clothing is just that much coarser than womens ,or if its just my desire to be a woman that makes me feel it that way.

Going to a therapist is in my not to distant future but is still going to have to wait for just a little while. Until then I am so glad that I found this place online!!

 

Hugs!

Natalie 

 

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I want to thank both of you girls for your comments.  They have ment so much to me and have helped in ways you can’t know.  

 

Natalie, you are so right.  Even when you are convinced of the need for change, change is never easy, this is true for cis and t girls alike.  Reading, and rereading your comments is like looking into my not so distant past.  It has helped me to realize how far I have come and to analyze my current insecurities.  I’m so glad that you found this site.  I have been made more complete by your heartfelt expressions.  I hope that I have helped you as much as you have helped me.  Thank you for sharing.  

 

Jackie, you are like the woman that I want to become, kind, insightful and willing to share.  Your comments are like a warm blanket .  I rap myself up in them and feel comforted.  I have a long way to go but you have shown me it’s possible.  Thank you for your expressions and letting me join in.

 

For me, the hardest thing about being AMAB is being expected to close your feelings off, be tough, to such it up.  Feeling free to pour out my heart, voice my feelings and to shed some tears has been liberating.  Both of you have giving me this treasured opportunity.  Thank you for letting me in on the conversation.

 

biggest hugs

Adaline

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Adaline, you have indeed helped in so many ways. I have a hard time putting things into words as I am not used to expressing myself, my mind or my heart. I do know you have helped me see I am not alone and that means so much. It is so hard to keep feelings bottled up. I feel like I can't even complement someone without getting an odd look. Because men are supposed keep there thoughts and emotions hidden. I have always been emotional and I tend to cry more than what is expected for a man. I am so glad I found this site. I hope that one day I will be able to look back on this and think "wow look how far I have come".

 

Hugs, Natalie 

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Ahhhh... You two are so sweet, I’m so glad you’re here,  we all have a journey even if we are in different points of a pathway, we’re all headed in the same direction and I’m glad you’re on your way. I must admit I had to look up AMAB,  how did I not know what that was?  Ha ha ha, assigned male at birth, ha ha, I guess I should’ve known that ! Sometimes I’m not very clued in to the things right around me, my focal point is so far away some days I don’t see the rock right in front of my foot before I trip,  both literally and metaphorically. Most of my family members have been making one comment lately that has been resonating with me a lot, they keep telling me I look so much like my mother and I sound so much like my mother that it’s rather Strange, not that I mind as I loved my mother and thought she was a wonderful person,  and always considered her a nice looking woman. I’ve started to hear a little bit of it myself, especially when I laugh, it really is exactly the same even the pitch, and when I hear it it makes me laugh even harder because I realize I’m hearing my moms laugh, in fact it just happened right now and it is so infectious !  As soon as my hair is shoulderlength I know people are going to see this all the time, the one person who has not chimed in yet on this is my sister but I don’t spend a lot of time near her so she’s not exposed to my new look very much, I bet that’s the first thing she says when we see each other again. Sometimes I wonder if I am becoming more of a trans mom than a trans woman, my friends often call me Mother hen,  and many people I know often comment how I look like everyone’s mom, and of course my minivan does nothing  but reinforce this stereotype. Honestly I plan on engaging in a bit of woodworking, the practice of blending into the woodwork so to speak, and I’ve also been telling people That I would be happy if people just thought I was somebody’s mom when I walked by, being on the mommy spectrum as it were. So I suppose the idea that I’m a bit more of a trans mom is probably fairly accurate even if it just sounds weird. I wonder if my wife sees some of this,  The way she has been interacting with me lately is really interesting, I like it, it’s like she’s warming up to some new person, and occasionally jokes with me just like she does with all of her mommy friends...  I would be perfectly happy on this spectrum, and I dress like they do as well, so I suppose it’s probably natural for me to want  to wrap my arms around the two of you and take you to lunch so we can chat !  Ha ha ha ha ! Honestly it wasn’t that long ago when I started spilling my story here on the forum, I was falling apart, my world was in chaos, I had no idea if I could achieve the things I saw the awesome girls here doing, they live their life openly and knew exactly who they were...  I was in awe and quite jealous, and I didn’t know how I fit in or how I would ever get there, now I realize though I am different it was just a matter of being on the pathway and taking little steps all the time, and I feel these days my steps are more frequent And my pace more sure, but it all started right where you are now and when I got here somebody’s mom took me by the hand and showed me which way to go, this place is really awesome that way.  From where I am I see a long journey, but at least I see it, and I know what direction it goes in, but I would never have known what pathway to choose if it were not for the nurturing souls who were here before me, and I find it hard to believe that all of a sudden you two amazing girls are saying this to me, It makes me feel so happy to know you are here and it gives me a warm feeling knowing some how I’m helping to point the way for others.  I remember hearing almost these exact words from the girls I was talking to back then, they would tell me things like someday you’re going to help others too, someday you’ll be on the path with your future ahead of you, someday you’ll inspire others to push forward. I must admit I never thought I would inspire much  other than to warn others how not to bang their heads on low hanging doorways, I always thought of myself as a bit more of a cautionary tale, but I’m glad you both see otherwise. And even though I’m perpetuating the stereotype, I love my little mini van which I also  almost always call my mommy van, Ha ha ha, and so do my friends, that for me being on the mommy spectrum seems like the right path. I find that the things that make me jealous of the girls that have all of their lives put together are different now, I’m  jealous of their sense of style or their wardrobe, their natural beauty or they’re amazing wit,  I want to be just like them even if I know I’m just me, but they give me such hope moving forward, that I can achieve the things I want to, and be the one thing I’ve always known I would be, a woman, a girl who understands her self and wakes up in the morning knowing who she is,  even if originally I was just AMAB...

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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On 7/31/2018 at 1:32 AM, Natalie86 said:

I am so very worried about society.

Natalie, I have been following this conversation and just been rereading and catching up. Your comment about society just hit me and I want to tell you that coming out has, for me, been so much easier that I imagined it would. Most people are so wrapped up in there own lives that they really don't notice you, regardless of how you present. I work in retail, as a cashier so I am in contact with customers all the time at work, and have only one or two instances that were somewhat negative. I know that I don't always "pass" but for the most part I am "ma'amed" instead of "sired". Hope this helps.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

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I'll second Brandi's remarks...

I blend in OK, but certainly don't pass well especially when it comes to my voice; however, I feel very comfortable in public: city streets, malls, state legislature, state fair, retail stores, etc. There are still a few place that give me anxiety because of my own internal fears, but not because anything negative has happened. 

In a lot of ways, the hardest part has been to simply have faith and trust in people at large. We see so many stories detailing when things go wrong, and so that's what we think about. The reality is that most people just don't care. ?

 

Julie

 

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Brandi and Julie are right, I was petrified of societal acknowledgment of my clearly non-passing transness...  but I’ve had no trouble this last week or so going out in girl mode whenever I want, which is most of the time now, depending on laundry as I’m still building a girl wardrobe. I’m going out to trans support group tonight and my metallic purple fingernail polish was getting chipped so I thought I would go down to the salon and get something new, although I shouldn’t have let the girl talk me into gel! Gel is just too hard to remove,  and I will have to go back to her to get it removed or re-done, I should just stick with regular polish as it’s less than half the price and I can go twice as often. I totally know I don’t pass but I don’t care, I’ll be waltzing through this rather androgynous year having as much fun as possible, then someday down the road after FFS and augmentation all that silliness will be over and I should pass reasonably, or at least I hope I do... Not more than two weeks ago I thought I would have to wait all year long hiding in male mode, my fear kept me from realizing people don’t care as much as you might think, and I can go to the store to buy groceries or over to the nail salon with all the other girls and get my nails done and nobody so much as bats an eyelash, well except for me because I love batting my eyelashes! If people are paying attention to me I’m not noticing, and honestly I’m not looking for it either,  i’m just interested in doing what I need to do and enjoying the fact that I’m out in girl mode. I think there is this point for all of us where we just decide we don’t want to wait anymore, and I would say it’s better to do it sooner rather than later but we all come to it in our own time, I will warn however that once you do you will never want to go back to boy mode!

 Hugs, 

Jackie

28E788FE-9612-4625-B743-A8129C0E9324.jpeg

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 So after I got home from group tonight I found my favorite corner of the kitchen to line up another selfie, so I suppose I have a selfie corner now, I might have to take selfie‘s throughout my transition in this one corner to document how things change. I don’t typically wear red shirts but I thought this one looked good on me, it’s kind of a dark heather color of red on the cardinal side, my aunt loves wearing this particular color and now I see why! I have gotten a few comments about my curves from the girls at group,  and honestly I don’t see too much other than my hips being a little wider, but this picture show me what they were seeing  and I was very surprised to see these particular curves  since every morning in the mirror seems the same. 

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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Jackie,

 

You look absolutely fantastic.  If I had a corner of my house that made me look so good, I would live in it.  beauty and a kind heart, you have it all girl.

 

Big hugs

Adaline 

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 Hey Adaline,

 Thank you for the comment, but if I live in that corner I’m going to get too fat again!  The toaster is right there and I love toast way too much!  Ha ha !

 So Natalie, I went to bed thinking about you and your situation and then I woke up doing the same, and I know South Carolina it’s not exactly a super accepting place to be trans, so I was wondering if there are any areas of South Carolina anywhere, that have communities that would allow some fellowship and socialization should you decide to make a short move. Maybe also a nearby state that’s not too far away  that has a trans friendly area with local support? I am unsure if the other girls here know about those areas but I am sure they will chime in if they know a good place near you. I’m curious if you were able to find a therapist to work with In your area, and whether or not your medical insurance covers therapy at all, or has group support in any range of the LGBTQ spectrum?  My mind was trying to wrap itself around the idea being stuck somewhere that forced me to hide and I don’t think I could bear it. It does make me feel better that your girlfriend enjoys your female self, I wonder what she would say if you sat down with her to discuss how she felt about the eventual future where you might feel better living full-time and entering transition?  Being open and honest when you’re in a relationship is the only way to move forward when change occurs, and even Though my past looks a bit more like a cautionary tale I do believe had I been honest with her much earlier things might have turned out a little bit better for us.  One very positive thing last night at group stuck in my mind, one couple has been together for a long time, and had also been honest with one another early in the marriage which allowed them to become fantastic friends and partners while they were both true to who they were, and to see the two of them together there at group warmed my heart  and made me think of you and your girlfriend. I know sometimes you and your girlfriend brainstorm a little bit about getting out of your area and that you would like to go to college but being a resident helps so much,  I wonder if there is somewhere in South Carolina that would give you the opportunities of both having a trans friendly community and a decent college all in one place? Is it vitally important that your girlfriend continues finishing her journeyman pipefitter union work where you live right now?  Is it because her job gives her the opportunity to complete this work or could she find that employment other places as well?  It always pains me to see people stuck in situations or locations that will not allow them to be open about who they are, and even worse to stop them from entering transition entirely. I wish I knew more about South Carolina or its neighboring areas in different states that were trans friendly but sadly I do not,  maybe somebody here can chime in if they know about this area even remotely, sometimes I have found that local knowledge is far more important than general geographical information and Internet searching. How long does your girlfriend have to go till she completes her journeyman certification? I wonder if she’d feel comfortable enough picking up and moving once that’s done so you could work on completing college somewhere where the two of you can live openly?  I mean how long do you want to live in this place that you call a crab bucket? Ha ha Ha!  Then again your description simply makes me hungry, I guess if I lived there I’d be a size 18/20  as well, but I suppose I would have plenty of girl curves to rock, so it wouldn’t be all that bad!

 I’m super curious what areas near you would be available, and better yet maybe there would be some good therapists in those areas as well. Remind me again, were you able to make an appointment with a therapist or find one near you that you could finally make appointment with? 

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

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Hey Jackie,

 

First off I love your nails!!! Also that top looks great on you! Sorry I have not been on here much this weekend. I had a rough week at work and so did my GF so we decided to drown our weekend in alcohol. I honestly don't know what our future holds right now. My girlfriend's union is starting to act like less of a union and more like right to work. She is not even sure what is going to happen. She has about 3 more years before she can turn out as a journeyman at which time she can transfer to another union under certain circumstances. It's craziness right now. I am personally unfamiliar with any open minded areas of SC. I do have a friend who is an attorney who used to be a local LGBT leader. I have thought about talking to her but I was scared to come out to her because she always said how much she admired my masculinity. I have never been the typical male in so many ways :) as of now I think I have found a therapist that I am going to try but I still have to wait for my money to line up. I don't have insurance:( I have not even been to a regular doctor in years. This state sucks for a lot of reasons. But the food is great and yes it has given me curves:)  I have been strictly doing keto and I am happy to say I am down 8 lbs !

 

Having a trans friendly community would make things so much easier! 

Hopefully in the coming years we can change all of that.  Sorry if i am kind of all over the place my mind is in such a fluster right now

 

Hugs, Natalie 

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Brandi and Julie

 

 

 

  Thank you for the kind words. Deep down I know that most people won't notice. But that feeling in my stomach gets the best of me. I have always admired transpeople even when I am fighting it and trying to be male. The courage it takes to step out as your true self is amazing.  One day I will do it! For right now I am just going to be me at home

Hugs

Natalie 

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    • MaeBe
      1.  I think there are some legitimate concern.   2. Thoroughly discussing this will consume many threads.   3. I disagree partially with @MaeBe but there is partial agreement.   4. The context includes what is happening in society that the authors are observing.  It is not an isolated document.   The observation is through a certain lens, because people do things differently doesn't mean they're doing it wrong. Honestly, a lot of the conservative rhetoric is morphing desires of people to be treated with respect and social equity to be tantamount to the absolution of the family, heterosexuality, etc. Also, being quiet and trying to blend in doesn't change anything. Show me a social change that benefits a minority or marginalized group that didn't need to be loud.   5. Trump, if elected, is as likely to spend his energies going after political opponents as he is to implementing something like this.   Trump will appoint people to do this, like Roger Severino (who was appointed before, who has a record of anti-LGBTQ+ actions), he need not do anything beyond this. His people are ready to push this agenda forward. While the conservative right rails about bureaucracy, they intend to weaponize it. There is no question. They don't want to simplify government, they simply want to fire everyone and bring in conservative "warriors" (their rhetoric). Does America survive 4 year cycles of purge/cronyism?   6. I reject critical theory, which is based on Marxism.  Marxism has never worked and never will.  Critical theory has problems which would need time to go into, which I do not have.   OK, but this seems like every other time CRT comes up with conservatives...completely out of the blue. I think it's reference is mostly just to spark outrage from the base. Definitely food thought for a different thread, though.   7. There are groups who have declared war on the nuclear family as problematically patriarchal, and a lot of other terms. They are easy to find on the internet.  This document is reacting to that (see #4 above).   What is the war on the nuclear family? I searched online and couldn't find much other than reasons why people aren't getting married as much or having kids (that wasn't a propaganda from Heritage or opinions pieces from the right that paint with really broad strokes). Easy things to see: the upward mobility and agency of women, the massive cost of rearing children, general negative attitudes about the future, male insecurity, etc. None of this equates to a war on the nuclear family, but I guess if you look at it as "men should be breadwinners and women must get married for financial support and extend the male family line (and to promote "National Greatness") I could see the decline of marriage as a sign of the collapse of a titled system and, if I was a beneficiary of that system or believe that to NOT be tilted, be aggrieved.   8.  Much of this would have to be legislated, and this is a policy documented.  Implementation would  be most likely different, but that does not mean criticism is unwarranted.   "It might be different if you just give it a chance", unlike all the other legislation that's out there targeting LGBTQ+ from the right, these are going to be different? First it will be trans rights, then it will be gay marriage, and then what? Women's suffrage?   I get it, we may have different compasses, but it's not hard to see that there's no place for queer people in the conservative worldview. There seems to be a consistent insistence that "America was and is no longer Great", as if the 1950s were the pinnacle of society, completely ignoring how great America still is and can continue to be--without having to regress society to the low standards of its patriarchal yesteryears.    
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    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, I live in an area with a lot of Southern Baptists, Evangelicals, etc...  We've experienced our share of finger-wagging, as the "standard interpretation" of Scripture in the USA is that the Bible only approves of "one man, one woman" marriage.  My faith community is mostly accepted here, but that has taken time and effort.  It can be tough at times to continue to engage with culture and the broader population, and avoid the temptation to huddle up behind walls like a cult.    Tolerance only goes so far.  At one point, my husband was asked to run for sheriff.  He declined, partly because an elected official with four wives would have a REALLY tough time.  (Of course, making way less than his current salary wasn't an option either). 
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    • Abigail Genevieve
      Here is where the expectation is that the stereotypical evangelical comes in finger wagging, disapproving and condemning.    Not gonna do that.   You have to work these things out.  Transgender issues put a whole different spin on everything and God understands what we are going through. I have enough trouble over here.  :)
    • Ivy
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    • awkward-yet-sweet
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