Unsure but taking steps to figure it out

[memyselfandwe]

Hello,

I'm PJ. I just joined this site because, as the title says, I'm slowly figuring myself out. I see a lot of posts here with similar stories and I think sharing my own is another step I need to take toward self discovery. Sorry if this is long and messy, but this is how my mind is right now.

I was born female, but never truly considered myself to be a girl. For as long as I can remember, I always gravitated toward things that are considered masculine. Most of my friends when I was younger were boys and they would refer to me as "he" and "him." Even on my birthday, they would give me cards that said "birthday boy," insisting that I was a boy. We would play sports, video games, read comics, and played "Army." I often came home caked in mud and full of bruises before falling asleep at the dinner table.

I never liked dressing as a girl and my mom gave up trying to make me wear dresses by the time I was 7 because I fought it so much. The problem was, she would never allow me to wear boy's clothing so I had to settle for girl's clothes that seemed somewhat "boyish." Toys were another issue. I always asked for G.I. Joe, Star Wars, Ninja Turtles, and other things the boys in my neighborhood had, but my mom still refused to buy them for me. She wanted me to play with dolls and would buy me Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids.

It wasn't that I was her only girl. I have an older sister and she loves all the girly stuff I never found interesting. My parents were from a different time. My dad was, and still is very religious and speaks of homosexuality as a disgusting and sinful thing. My mom, who passed away four years ago, shared his beliefs but also would look at gays and crossdressers as if they were a sideshow act. She found it so bizarre and treated it as if it were a mental illness. Knowing this, I became even more confused when I started kindergarten and discovered my first crush was a girl.

I think... well, I know most of my confusion comes from being raised to believe that something was wrong with me. I tried experimenting here and there by attempting to dress more feminine, wearing make-up, or getting my nails done but in the end I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and would change back to what I found comfortable. I never had the courage to come out to my parents for fear of disappointing them so I settled for living somewhere in the middle. I wore jeans and gender neutral shirts every day, kept my hair long but never styled it, never worried about make-up, and stuck with dating boys although I prefer girls. I even found a circle of female friends to hang with, but our interests rarely matched. They liked boy bands while I liked hard rock. They would have dress up days where they'd get all dolled up and I just stuck out in my normal grunge wear. Then we'd go to the mall where they'd look at dresses and whatnot while I sat outside the store with the other guys, feeling bored.

At 19 I joined the Navy and it didn't get any easier. During that time being gay or transgender could get you discharged so I was careful not to draw attention to myself, although I heard rumors that many people questioned my sexuality so maybe I was wasn't as discreet as I thought.

Now I'm 38, married although not happily for unrelated reasons, and I have a 16 year old daughter who I say looks just like me if I was a girl. Although I've questioned my gender a million times over all my life, only now am I starting to make small changes to see where I stand. It started a couple of years ago when a co-worker said something about me being a girl and I took complete offence to it and told him I'm not a girl. That's when another co-worker asked if I was the "office transgender." She didn't ask it teasingly, but as a serious question and that is when I began to really think about it. I don't like being referred to as a lady, or any female term, but I'm not sure what I want to be called. I just know I hate being thought of as a girl. When shopping, I would wander around the women's department feeling out of place while gazing toward the men's clothes and finding their style more appealing.

Since that day at work, I noticed I've gotten very defensive whenever anyone puts me into a "female" category and insist I'm not a girl, but they still don't get it. I quit shopping for female clothing and just recently began wearing boxers, which I love. Except now when I shop I feel as if everyone is watching me and I probably look like a shoplifter to security. I also began using an stp device. Not a packer, although that may be an option in the future, but for now I'm happy with the device I have. Plus, being the geek that I am, I found that comic con and Renaissance Fairs are a safe haven for me because I can wear my Doctor Who (9th Doctor) cosplay and nobody bats an eye which is a big win for me.

I'm not sure what changes are in store for me in the future, but the small changes I'm making have made me happier with myself.  I often fantasize about being male and what I would look like, how I would dress, and how I'd style my hair. My biggest obstacles are my family, mainly my dad who is in another state, and basically anyone who knows me. I'm extremely shy and introverted. I worry if I make too many changes that it will draw unwanted attention to myself, which I hate.

Anyway, sorry for the messy novel, but I had to get it out to someone who will listen and understand. 

 

 

[Avra]

Hey PJ, and welcome! I know what its like to be unsure. I've been living a silent middle ground for over a decade and just recently decided to make meaningful steps to find answers. We all have unique but surprisingly similar stories. This is the perfect place to let it all out so don't be shy. Theres no judgments here.

 

- Avra

[Lexi]

Not too messy or too long. Ty for sharing. ❤️

[Jani]

Thanks for sharing PJ.  Sometimes getting our story out is cathartic.  Have you spoken to your spouse about gender questions?  I would bet they would not be surprised.  As to shopping, don't feel self conscious about being in the men's department.  It is not usual for men and women to shop for men's clothing unlike men in the women's section.  So don't fret.  

 

Making small changes that satisfy your needs is a great idea.  I wouldn't worry about what your father is thinking since he is not close by.  Small incremental changes will more than not illicit any responses from friends.  Even so, you are entitled to changing up your style from time to time.  Have fun and enjoy yourself. 

 

Jani 

[memyselfandwe]

Thank you all. It's always good to find out we are not alone during times like these. 

Jani, I have told my spouse part of how I feel but not the full extent of it. It's very hard for me to have deep conversations or to talk about my feelings in general. I just keep dropping hints and hope he figures it out. Same goes with my best friend. I'm fairly certain she knows about me being bisexual, but I've never come out and said it directly so I'm really not sure how I'd ever get around to telling her about this.

I'm going to keep up with the changes little by little to see what I find comfortable and will post updates along the way as well as ask lots of questions. I have a lot planned for my future. 

[Jani]

Keep dropping hints, sooner or later it will strike a chord.  Make sure you have your narrative ready to go!  Remember that sexuality and gender are different.  

 

5 hours ago, memyselfandwe said:

I have a lot planned for my future. 

This is good to hear!  I'm know you'll go far!!!

 

Jani

[Nykoli55]

Hey PJ,

I enjoyed reading your story as I share some similar experiences. I've been navigating the middle ground and most people still refer to me as she. Even if they know I'm trans...I definitely do the "hints" thing as I feel like I can gauge whether or not they'd be an welcoming person to open up to. And maybe it will soften the blow. 

Doing little things for yourself, that just you know about, can be a life saver. Even if its just wearing boxers, it's affirming to yourself who you are and that's a lot. 

Oh! And I literally used to get panic attacks shopping in the mens. It's ridiculous. Or weirdly say I was shopping for some mysterious boyfriend which-probably looked/sounded stranger than me just being there in the first place.  I don't panic as much anymore but I only shop online or outside of the city I live in.  I know most of it's in my head but the feeling of being visible is terrifying if you've been trying so hard to hide for so long. But it slowly seems to be going away.

Can I ask-Have you told anyone? You don't have to answer. 

Regardless- Glad you're here! 

[memyselfandwe]

Hey, sorry for the late response but work has been insane lately. You are right about the little things making a difference. Although others may not know it, I do and it really boosts my confidence. Since I deliver mail, I can order men's uniforms and most people don't even notice.

No, I haven't fully told anyone yet aside from my spouse who only knows part of it but not the whole thing. I have been telling people to stop calling me she, lady, or anything feminine. They ask why and I just say, "I'm not a girl." Yet, nobody has figured it out yet. Funny enough, I had a dream the other night that I was a kid and was able to join the boy scouts and all through my dream I was arguing with people who called me a girl while telling them, "No, I'm a boy."

Unfortunately, real life isn't as easy. Most of my customers have no idea because I don't have time to chat so I get lots of cutesy comments like young lady, girlie, sweetie, dear, or just people correcting kids who call me mailman and tell them it's mail lady. I tell them not to worry because I don't care. I have hundreds of customers and I can't explain it to them all. Sometimes I'm tempted to just move to another state and start fresh because it would be easier than coming out to hundreds.

Hopefully that makes sense. My house is so noisy I can't concentrate plus I got no sleep because I was out all night at a Rob Zombie concert. I'm headed to bed now before I crash here on my couch.