Learning as I go

[Cmattison]

Hey everyone.

I've been doing a lot of questioning, exploring and general soul searching. When I first came to the realization that something about my gender was off I buried it deep. For about 3 years. Then in January of this past year I finally allowed my self to accept the feelings. At this point the dysphoria washed over me and nearly drowned me. I was so consumed with dysphoria and my gender it was all I could think about. I thought for sure I was trans ftm. 

Then after a few months the dysphoria and intensity of the emotions started to settle until I realized I'm not ftm, or at least I dont believe I am. 

Suddenly there was no dysphoria and I enjoyed being female. I'm not super feminine but I do love being a female....sometimes. 

The more i pay attention to myself and my gender and dysphoria the more i realize i am both. I am either 100% female or 100% male. 

I have come to love exploring and learning myself. I used to look in the mirror and hate who I saw staring back at me, but ever since I've accepted my Male side I actually love me. I love my female side and love my Male side. After nearly 31 years of not loving myself I've learned I love me. Dysphoric male days are hard because I dont have the correct body, the voice, the beard and certainly dont pass as a guy, however, My husband uses male pronouns and my guy name on Male days. Learning to wear boxers, a binder, and a packer, and gluing a beard on my face helps for sure. I dont go out like that yet, but am hoping one day soon I'll get the nerve to slowly start presenting male. I dont want to come out to anyone. I'm happy being me and seeing where that goes.

Anyways, I was just excited that I'm learning more about myself and becoming more accepting of myself. For now I found and have adopted the label bigender. I love this for me. If down the road I find I'm more dysphoric and have more Male days than not, I may decide to fully transition and come out as ftm. We'll see.

[Jani]

Well this is nice news!  

 

1 hour ago, Cmattison said:

Suddenly there was no dysphoria and I enjoyed being female. I'm not super feminine but I do love being a female....sometimes. 

The more i pay attention to myself and my gender and dysphoria the more i realize i am both. I am either 100% female or 100% male. 

I have come to love exploring and learning myself.

Sometimes we need to move close to the edge to see the view more clearly.   It seems you've done that and it's worked out well.  Learning to love yourself is critical.  I'm glad to hear you've come to accept both sides can coexist happily.

 

Thanks for sharing!!

 

Jani 

 

[Cmattison]

Thanks Jani!

 

I think when I first came to start discovering and exploring I was in complete and utter panic mode. I didn't know what to do or who I was. Loss of identity was terrifying and I turned to many forums. I found that I enjoy talking with others that share my feelings because I dont personally know anyone that has dealt with gender dysphoria (or maybe I do and they're like me and closeted).

[Jani]

The panic is a natural reaction.  Once we see that most people either don't care or are oblivious we can move forward.  

 

Closeted?  Yes I believe there are many frustrated and closeted people out there.  

 

Talking with others is a great way to normalize.   Have you looked into a support group to meet others?  

 

Jani

[Cmattison]

Just now, Jani said:

 Have you looked into a support group to meet others? 

I've been looking absolutely. I think I'd highly benefit from a support group. Unfortunately where I live, we dont really have any. Therapists are over an hour drive away, which, once I find one and my kids are in school I hope to finally start with one. I've turned to forums as a way to meet people, though I wish I had someone close i could have actual face to face interaction with. I did reach out to a friend that though we dont see each other any longer I do know him personally. I told him about myself and he was completely supportive and told me he considers himself to be genderfluid. So I can talk to him occasionally, but it's still not exactly the same. And I still feel very shy about talking with him about it.