Would it be valid for me to identify as trans?

[Katt]

Hello,

 

In the past few months I've been beginning to take a serious look at how I identify myself. I am assigned female, and currently using she/her pronouns, but have begin to question how comfortable I feel with that. There are a few things that make me uncertain about fully identifying as trans, and that's what I'd like to get some help with if anyone has the time.

 

Since childhood I've never been interested in anything that was traditionally labeled as "girly" such as dolls, the color pink, or makeup. I had always seen that as something that came from growing up with two older brothers and from the way T.V., movies, and games portrayed anything associated with girls as weaker and / or frivolous. I loathed the idea of getting the feminine physique as puberty came around, especially the idea of developing breasts. As I grew my interests would stay in the traditionally masculine area and I would even take pride in "not fighting with my friends like Other Girls do". In high school my biggest commitment was to the robotics team, a team that was getting more and more girls to join, but was still only at a 70/30 split by senior year. It was around this time I started using one of those spandex shirts, mean to be used to slim down and even out curves, to bind down my chest which I would explain as, "suppressing my chest so that people would take me more seriously" while at robotics competitions. Being acknowledged as a "woman in STEM" always bothered me due to how much emphasis it put on me being a woman.

 

I've been on a gap year before going to UPitt next year due to depression that I have had for years but wasn't diagnosed until halfway through senior year, and as I began to travel by myself more and get more space and experience beyond my hometown I've been questioning my gender more and more.  I've begin to notice small things, like how my internal thoughts are more masculine than feminine, how it actually felt nice when small kid would call me the pizzaman before their parents corrected them that I was the pizzawoman, or how all of my romantic fantasies involve me being a guy, and how often I seem to have a penis when I dream. Things like these and how great I felt while attending pride while traveling alone and how much more comfortable I feel when binding with a tight sports bra have made me go back and look at my life in a different light. 

 

Everything seems to be leading me towards transitioning, and as I've gotten better from my depression and been given more space I've found comfort in taking more steps to pass as male, but I'm worried about identifying as trans for two reasons; growing up I had a friend who was ftm and would often talk about how hard the process was for him and having a hard time finding a name that fit him, something that I'm afraid I would be trivializing if I started identifying as trans since to the fact that my dysphoria isn't nearly as bad as his and others that I've heard about, and because I'm worried that much of my identity is coming from internalized misogyny from the environment I've gown up in.

 

tl;dr - I'm worried that I'm not actually trans since my identity doesn't seem to be coming from harsh dysphoria and that it comes from internalized misogyny from growing up in a mostly male household and being deep in the STEM community.

 

I'd love to hear anyone else's opinion and/or get advice from anyone willing to offer it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read!

[Carolyn Marie]

First off, let me welcome you to Trans Pulse, Katt.  I hope you find this a good place to explore your feelings and find friends and answers and resources, not necessarily in that order. 

 

When you say you're confused about identifying as trans, its important to know whether you mean publicly identifying as trans, or to family members and friends, or just to yourself.  Because, quite honestly, there are no requirements for identifying that way if that is how you self-identify.  You owe no one an explanation, there are no applications to fill out, and at least within these forums, no one will judge you.

 

The presence or absence of dysphoria is not an issue, either.  I never had severe dysphoria.  I did not hate my body.  I just knew that it was not the body I wanted to have, or felt entirely comfortable with.  My identification of myself as female stemmed from a lifelong certainty that I was female in my brain and my heart, and that it would be nice if I had some semblance of physical form that corresponded with that knowledge of my true self.  Maybe you can see your own situation in those terms.

 

My strong suggestion is, if possible, for you to find a gender therapist and begin the process of self-discovery.  They shouldn't tell you what you are or what you should do, but they can help you choose the right path for you.  In the end, you are the only one who will know what that path is.  It is the G.T.'s job to offer guidance and explain what the choices entail, and how to reach your goals.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

 

 

[Jani]

Hello Katt and welcome.  I'm in NH also although I'm way past my college years.

 

14 hours ago, Katt said:

tl;dr - I'm worried that I'm not actually trans since my identity doesn't seem to be coming from harsh dysphoria and that it comes from internalized misogyny from growing up in a mostly male household and being deep in the STEM community.

As Carolyn says dysphoria is not a requirement!  There are lots of reasons for being transgender.  Mine won't be the same as yours. That's OK.  I do agree that speaking with a therapist would help to provide some clarity for you.  It certainly did for me. 

 

Please join in the conversation.  We'd love to hear from you.

 

Jani  

 

 

[ChickenLittle]

Hi Katt, 

 

Welcome to the forums! I can see a lot of my own story in what you've written. As was said above, there isn't a list of requirements you have to meet to consider yourself trans. Like you, I had an ftm friend when I was younger who really struggled. His story doesn't quite line up with mine and that's okay, because we're all different. I hope you're able to give yourself permission to explore your gender identity without worrying about whether your story lines up with the narrative of being trans that we see portrayed in the media most of the time (extreme dysphoria, knowing since an early age, etc etc). I'm glad to hear that you're getting treatment for your depression and beginning to feel better. 

 

Best,

Kendall 

[Katt]

Thank you all for replying!

 

While I dont know if there are any gender therapists nearby, I think I will bring it up with the therapist I've been seeing for my depression. I dont have many sessions left with him before I head off to school, but I'm hoping I can get a good step in the right direction.

 

I'm also hoping that being in a new place where I no one has known me before can give me some space to work with.

I am hoping that the GSA group on campus might also be a good place to get help. I was a part of mine while in high school, but never really talked about any questions I had then. Does anyone have any experienice with getting help / support at these groups?

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond!

 

 

[ChickenLittle]

The group on my campus is called Queers and Allies. I haven't been to their events but know several members who are all super supportive and nice. The first one I met was the first person ever to ask me my pronouns and then use them correctly. It made me so happy and they've continued to help me find resources to get on hormones and change my gender marker. I think being involved with your campus GSA is a great idea. 

[Nykoli55]

There may not be a gender therapist where you are moving to but if you are on a college campus there are almost always free counselors available and people are much more aware of gender now than they used to. I would try! If you don't like your first therapist/counselor then try another.

I think its cool you''re trying to figure yourself out. Nothing has to be defined. A lot of people identify as trans/genderqueer as that can mean so many things. You don't have to box yourself in. No rules. Do what makes you happy. If you say the word trans or try a new pronoun or new name and if that makes you feel free and open and light- that's probably your answer. It doesn't have to be complicated and convoluted. You don't need a history or clues or signs of dysphoria to validate who you are. You are who you say you are. Other's might not understand but hopefully other trans folks will be accepting and excited for you. I really like what everyone posted. This is a very open community. 

Keep us posted