Ugh....

[elizabeth22]

So what is it when ever since middle school I was clinically and socioligically jarred between he and she?  Mentally perceiving myself girly?  People asking about my orientation because how I come across...  (Tear)

[tracy_j]

I think a lot of people here can relate to that. I know I can. I have settled fairly well with being somewhere in the middle. It is not ideal in a binary society (take that as having to live in a binary society).

 

Tracy

[elizabeth22]

Well I grew up in DFW ( Texas ) so I was screwed with, ostretized, and didn't belong in "groups".  Despite my parents best efforts, I guess my body language and such made me more girlish.  So I got a whole lot of "eww" and from a young age I thought heshe was an insulting vulgur word.  This carried into my adult life as well.  I didn't hear about the broad spectrum of trans ( or GLBT ) until over the past few years over the news.  

[Haydn]

Remember, you don't have to be a boy or a girl.  There are many different genders and also many different pronouns that exceed he/him, she/her, and they/them.  I suggest that, since you may be new to these ideas, maybe you should do some informative research about the evolution of gender and different people who identify with different genders.  You can also ask (like you are doing on this website) for advise and support, you'll find it somehow!  Just so you know, you're not alone and many people have gone through this.  You're an amazing human being!

[elizabeth22]

On the inside I identify as a female but with things I have been through... Being beat up, being through other scary situations... I have spiralled so many times and wondered why my life feels so cursed. 

Why?

So then I get invited to a Facebook group for transwomen.  Other members very chatty with other people until finally multiple people mention how my multiple posts a day is like a desperate cry to be on hormones sooner to them which was NOT my agenda. I was just venting about continual ... UGH.

 

So now I have a new # again due to being in a women's crisis place because in the last when people see me in ERs, all messed up, scared of life itself, that is when it gets explained its not my fault.  

Because my self worth is now at an all time low, from no social system outside of my phone because of ( hate crimes they say ) I've been through one too many to where, even before I went through therapy, even before I thought being shell trapped in my body was even a thing,.at odds with people, the world, and the heavens; where I wake up sometimes in EMS transport for medical emergency and in the past I have been scared to say much of anything.

 

Until over the past couple months of advocates, social workers, and case workers noticing things and saying I am not alone but when it gets to a point to where I leave my home town, new county, then they can't arrange transport out DFW but can I get down to Austin? 

Sure. Why not.

 

Only to later find myself in similar situations because of Texas group homes, social workers trying to get me to be happy with myself. I am not. 

Holidays are meaningless.

I do nothing for my birthday.

Then when recently when for the first time social workers in Austin heard the delima... It was treated that I needed to be someplace safe so they felt okay to release me from the psych hospital that time.  

When more recently when before coming here I was like... I lost my born self long ago when people read between the lines in DFW.  First family.  Then friends that went to other churches.  Then people harassing me because u was in gaming groups because I was posting things to my old FB.

 

How Ami supposed to know how it all works?  I was raised sheltered.  I heard references to LGBT periodically but usually in a bad context from other people.  

 

In fact being raised in a Mormon household, I vaguley remember asking a question about how I felt on the inside and I was taken to the church bishop, twice, and the elders asked for some demon to leave.

 

Nothing changed.

 

So this whole idea of exploring different genders... No.  I would like to say female.

At my clinics I say trans or female.

Every where else... Well right now in this women's home alot of ladies kinda understand the surface conflict I have... And i am a lady.

 

But when I bathe and see vruises, cuts, and scars... It's nothing but scaring me.  And this is way before I started hormones.  Heck in the way back even when I was where nens clothes I like and maybe a women's sweater, people seemed confused where I would be maam or sir.

 

Never bothered me back then because I was trying to maintain some kind of social life.

 

Now my FB is no groups. My advocate and a person that saw what was happening on one group and messaged me.

 

My phone list is literally the same people along with since the issues I was explained I got to distance myself from... I am no longer in contact with anyone from DFW. 

 

This one person in this ladies home has seen me spiralled here a few times too many and since the women's home found me a new type of housing situation that I can actually still breath and still wear my ladies clothes like I'm doing here...well let's just say some ladies I've noticed are more receptive and know when I'm internalizing again even though im trying to cover up...

 

Idk... That's my delima a now.