New and confused spouse of future mtf

[M’swife]

Hi, I am new to this forum. I am a 37 year old woman currently married to my spouse for a little over 2 years.  My spouse was born male, but has gender dysphoria and finally in August fully admitted  to me that this is the way ‘she’ has felt since being very young.  In our relationship it first started with a little crossdressing...just a pair of panties here and there and is watching -crossdresser-/transsexual porn together.  Then it was panties more and more then bras then lingerie and shoes and then we bought makeup and wigs.  During sex we  role play as two females.  I was fine with all of this and enjoyed it. I have always liked lesbian porn so to have my spouse start shaving and doing feminine things in the bedroom was not a problem.  I had a feeling all along that ‘she’ wanted to be a woman.  But ‘she’ would never fully admit it. That is until I caught her doing something behind my back. I saw that ‘she’ had signed up on some transexual dating sites. Her reasoning was she was sick of the same old porn and was just looking for more/different videos and to talk to some real life transgender women.  Because sh felt like she was the only one.  I could somewhat understand that, however we had previously talked that dating sites and chatting online was not ok.  Then I saw more and more transexual dating sites she signed up for. She did admit to chatting with a few people and this only took place over the course of like two weeks, one or two nights in those weeks. It was after I found out about these dating sites that she finally admitted to feeling like a woman.  We talked and I tried to move past this betrayal. It was ok for a bit til I found a couple more dating sites and some very descriptive titles.  Especially one stating she was a closeted crossdresser that wants to be a trans so badly and loves everything about crossdressers and -crossdressers-. And that she wants to be -toasted- by a -crossdresser- badly.  I confronted her about this and she insists that it was just something to do and that she was just looking at pictures and that she doesn’t want to be with a transgender woman in real life that it’s just a porn thing. She wants to be my wife and I want to be hers. And in her defense her profiles weren’t active and she never logged back into them after she created them.  But those descriptions and the betrayal stick in my mind no matter how hard I try to get over it. She knows she hurt me. We both cried and apologized and she begged me to let her prove she loves me and only me. I love her more than anything and want to be with her, I just don’t want to go through anymore hurt.  And support her transition. We also have 2 children (two are mine from a previous marriage, which she treats as her own. ). And I am 3 mos pregnant with her baby and we would like to have another one quickly after this one before she starts hormones.  Like I said she is my world, however I still have that betrayal and uncertainty in the back of my head that I’m(a biological woman) isn’t what she wants and maybe she wants to be with a transgender woman.  She reassured me that it’s a porn thing and she is fully satisfied with me......

i just am confused and don’t want to be hurt!  I am and have been fully supportive of this and even more so since she told me that she wants to transition eventually. 

Anyone have any thoughts or gone through anything similar?

[Jani]

Hello and welcome. 

 

Your spouse needs to be more transparent with you by being fully honest.  This is critical for both of you.  From your post it appears she is committed to starting HRT at some point in the near future and you say you want to be "her wife" as well.  I take that you are okay with this change in her life and your relationship with her.  As you state that you are confused tells me you and she needs to slow down and that you need to talk more.  A lot more.  This is a major change in your relationship and in the lives of your children.  

 

I highly recommend she get in to therapy with a good gender counselor.  It helped me immensely despite that I never thought it would.  It may be good for you as well to speak with a therapist to help you out.   Its possible for her to transition medically but not socially, or vice versa.  The goal is to do what is needed to quell the dysphoria.  

 

I understand this is all a major shock to your system and what you see as your future with this person.  I wish I could tell you one thing to make it all better but I can't.  You need to work this out to your mutual satisfaction.  

 

Please stay in contact. 

 

Jani

[DenimAndLace]

This is my gut talking.  Please don't mistake what I say for a professional diagnosis but, with lots of thought and caution, I see more erotic behavior and fewer indications of actually being transgender.

- Sexual addiction??? 

- Transgender fetish??? 

- Fantasizing about being female???

I suggest your spouse should see a gender therapist.  Specifically one who strictly follows "WPATH standards of care" rather than one who uses "informed consent".

[M’swife]

Thank you for you response. All of her behaviors are not just sexual in nature. She shaves everything, wears women’s perfume and deodorant, wears a woman’s wedding band(that I bought for her) on top of her men’s wedding band.  Wears on panties and bras daily to work under work clothes, soon as she gets home and is able she is in her women’s clothes. Leggings, shirts, etc. we have bought jeans and shirts for her to wear for us to go out and about for the first time in a city we don’t know anyone with her fully dressed.  In our texts all day long to each other I refer to her by her female name and at home when the kids aren’t around. We talked about being excited to go shopping, and get mani-pedi’s and everything else we already do as spouses.  I do believe she truly has gender dysphoria and is a woman on the inside. And as hard as it will all be I am going to stick by her side. Because I love the person she is whether she is my husband or wife. Still the same person, will just finally have her outside match her inside. I do believe and HOPE the porn/dating site thing was just boredom/curiousity/just a porn thing gone a little too far. I do believe she is sorry for hurting me.  And I hope that one day she will be ‘she’ and we will be Mrs and Mrs. 

Thank you again for taking time to respond. 

[M’swife]

On 10/1/2018 at 6:32 PM, Jani said:

Hello and welcome. 

 

Your spouse needs to be more transparent with you by being fully honest.  This is critical for both of you.  From your post it appears she is committed to starting HRT at some point in the near future and you say you want to be "her wife" as well.  I take that you are okay with this change in her life and your relationship with her.  As you state that you are confused tells me you and she needs to slow down and that you need to talk more.  A lot more.  This is a major change in your relationship and in the lives of your children.  

 

I highly recommend she get in to therapy with a good gender counselor.  It helped me immensely despite that I never thought it would.  It may be good for you as well to speak with a therapist to help you out.   Its possible for her to transition medically but not socially, or vice versa.  The goal is to do what is needed to quell the dysphoria.  

 

I understand this is all a major shock to your system and what you see as your future with this person.  I wish I could tell you one thing to make it all better but I can't.  You need to work this out to your mutual satisfaction.  

 

Please stay in contact. 

 

Jani

Thank you for for your response. We have definitely done a lot of talking over the last two months. We are looking into therapists as well. 

[M’swife]

On 10/2/2018 at 8:24 AM, DenimAndLace said:

This is my gut talking.  Please don't mistake what I say for a professional diagnosis but, with lots of thought and caution, I see more erotic behavior and fewer indications of actually being transgender.

- Sexual addiction??? 

- Transgender fetish??? 

- Fantasizing about being female???

I suggest your spouse should see a gender therapist.  Specifically one who strictly follows "WPATH standards of care" rather than one who uses "informed consent".

Thank you for you response. All of her behaviors are not just sexual in nature. She shaves everything, wears women’s perfume and deodorant, wears a woman’s wedding band(that I bought for her) on top of her men’s wedding band.  Wears on panties and bras daily to work under work clothes, soon as she gets home and is able she is in her women’s clothes. Leggings, shirts, etc. we have bought jeans and shirts for her to wear for us to go out and about for the first time in a city we don’t know anyone with her fully dressed.  In our texts all day long to each other I refer to her by her female name and at home when the kids aren’t around. We talked about being excited to go shopping, and get mani-pedi’s and everything else we already do as spouses.  I do believe she truly has gender dysphoria and is a woman on the inside. And as hard as it will all be I am going to stick by her side. Because I love the person she is whether she is my husband or wife. Still the same person, will just finally have her outside match her inside. I do believe and HOPE the porn/dating site thing was just boredom/curiousity/just a porn thing gone a little too far. I do believe she is sorry for hurting me.  And I hope that one day she will be ‘she’ and we will be Mrs and Mrs. 

Thank you again for taking time to respond. 

[DenimAndLace]

The shortcomings of this written venue I guess. It's hard to make a judgment based on a paragraph.  I just wanted to put it out there as something to be on the lookout for because I think some have transitioned so simply envied the opposite sex much to their chagrin.

 

I must say, I admire you for sticking with her.  Not because of anything you've said about her but because you see the person and not the shell.  You see the heart.  That's the mark of an amazing person!  Best wishes to both of you and for your relationship. 

[Cat Lady Kelly]

Welcome!

 

I'm sorry that you are having to go through the worry over the betrayal.  I think the suggestion of counseling would be good.  Both individual and couple's counseling.  She could use a gender therapist to work through the dysphoria and to help address any issues that transitioning brings about.  And couples counseling would help work through any issues that might still exist over the dating sites.

 

I wish you all the best through this journey with her.  We are here for you both.

[M’swife]

9 hours ago, Cat Lady Kelly said:

Welcome!

 

I'm sorry that you are having to go through the worry over the betrayal.  I think the suggestion of counseling would be good.  Both individual and couple's counseling.  She could use a gender therapist to work through the dysphoria and to help address any issues that transitioning brings about.  And couples counseling would help work through any issues that might still exist over the dating sites.

 

I wish you all the best through this journey with her.  We are here for you both.

Thank you!  I do think counseling will help. We just have to go to a bigger city, because this type of stuff isn’t real common in our area. 

[M’swife]

13 hours ago, DenimAndLace said:

The shortcomings of this written venue I guess. It's hard to make a judgment based on a paragraph.  I just wanted to put it out there as something to be on the lookout for because I think some have transitioned so simply envied the opposite sex much to their chagrin.

 

I must say, I admire you for sticking with her.  Not because of anything you've said about her but because you see the person and not the shell.  You see the heart.  That's the mark of an amazing person!  Best wishes to both of you and for your relationship. 

I am and have been on the lookout for that type of behavior. A little too much at times.  Just don’t want to be hurt again, ya know. But yes, I do believe it’s the person inside that we fall in love with, regardless of a shell. Thanks again!

[MarcieMarie12]

I can say that feeling of needing to change immediately when getting home was present in both myself and my girlfriend (also MTF). As to the dating sites, you are being a saint for being so understanding.  I would second finding a gender therapist for your spouse. Unless you are living in a really rural area, you should be able to find one. 

[M’swife]

Just now, MarcieMarie12 said:

I can say that feeling of needing to change immediately when getting home was present in both myself and my girlfriend (also MTF). As to the dating sites, you are being a saint for being so understanding.  I would second finding a gender therapist for your spouse. Unless you are living in a really rural area, you should be able to find one. 

Yeah, we’ll just have to drive a little bit to find a therapist. Not too far, an hour or so. Yeah, I don’t know how understanding I’m being. I’m trying, but it does tear me up inside. Just wondering if it was truly just a porn thing/curiousity or if there is a real deep down yearning to be with a real transgender woman. She has told me that she is 100 percent lesbian. I can only hope!

[Jani]

52 minutes ago, M’swife said:

She has told me that she is 100 percent lesbian.

That means she is not interested in men or being in a relationship with one.  My wife is certainly heterosexual but she loves me.  I am not interested in men at all.  That makes me a lesbian as well.  Although I am not interested in other women. 

Jani

[M’swife]

On 10/3/2018 at 4:26 PM, DenimAndLace said:

The shortcomings of this written venue I guess. It's hard to make a judgment based on a paragraph.  I just wanted to put it out there as something to be on the lookout for because I think some have transitioned so simply envied the opposite sex much to their chagrin.

 

I must say, I admire you for sticking with her.  Not because of anything you've said about her but because you see the person and not the shell.  You see the heart.  That's the mark of an amazing person!  Best wishes to both of you and for your relationship. 

Thank you!!!?