Getting more dysphoric (and severely depressed)

[elizabeth22]

Years back I was able to cope with the dreams with me with women characteristics because I just wrote it off.  I was able to cope with morning pains because I didn't know what is was (or did but didn't care)

EVER since I saw the therapist and supposed the idea that, for so long, I sugar coated feeling gender trapped, I learned that this phenonemon was not the first.  Now I did hear about GLBT stuff over the years, but I suppose I didn't want to read any of it, supposing it would mentally crash me.

No instead not only did the therapist see my depression kinda turn towards inward rage (which then goes to why I have been impatient), but the biggest thing she wanted me to do is learn to be happy with *me* after we discussed how it wasn't just my name I hated along with my life, but also hated my body. 

It took me even more steps (and homework) to admit to the therapist and myself, *I am a girl*.

Huh??!!

So when the puzzle pieces slowly started fitting and my life making more sense, I started to really look at this phenonemon when I wake up.  See when I'm dreaming, I'm well, a woman.  So when I wake up, I kinda feel this *placebo vagina* along with my crying because now that I realize there is help for me, the wait for HRT, the wait for the whole thing....

I'm trying hard to think positive and not be irrational as some might put it and do something stupid ...

(Crying)

[MarcieMarie12]

I remember the early days of my transition and how daunting the entire process seemed to be. I got advice from some of the other girls in my area and on the forums about how transitioning was not a race but a marathon. It does take time to get where you want to be and some of that is figuring out where you want to be. I am three years into my transition and I am mostly there. The last 5% might never come. But i look at it as my glass is 95% full (post op, happy with HRT for the most part), not the 5% empty most days. I still have the bout of dysphoria but it is fleeting rather than omnipresent,.  But like I said it has been a long journey, but for me  has been worth it.

 

 

 

 

[Kirsten]

The dysphoria is rough. I knew when I was a kid who I was. I didn’t know what transgender was, but I knew. Off and on, mostly on, I dealt with the dreams. With waking up every day hoping I was a girl and falling asleep every night wishing that the universe would change me from what I was to who I was supposed to be. 

It took me 30 years to FINALLY start this process. 30 years of hating myself. 30 years of wishing for death. 30 years of pretending to be someone else. 30 years of pain and anguish. 

I used to say I started my transition in May. But I didn’t. I started it 30 years ago. Dressing up. Dreaming wishing and praying. It’s all part of it. But I did start something in May. I started accepting myself. I started sharing myself. I started being myself.

With or without some pills you can do this stuff. With or without surgeries you can accept who you are and start sharing that person with the world. So you aren’t on hrt.  And you have some parts of yourself you don’t like. That’s ok. Everyone does.  But I bet you have a lot you do like. And some of it’s probably been hidden a long time. Try sharing those things with the world. Try starting to be yourself and be happy with that person. The other things come. They take time. But the hardest step in transition isn’t getting on pills or having surgeries. It’s accepting yourself and loving who you are. Maybe the surgeries and pills will help that process. But you’re still gonna have to accept you no matter what. Try starting there. Maybe it’ll help your dysphoria like it did mine. 

Idk if any of that will help you. Everyone is different. But I hope so. Good luck and hang in there. Things always seem to have a way of getting better if you let them. 

Kirsten 

[elizabeth22]

@Kristen if someone told me that years back before I lost everything including all my property and being in a shelter it would be easy to just go out and share myself.

Despite sporadically buying clothes and enjoying the fitting room, the daunting thing for me is the many many stabs into my soul as many tried to correct the typical things to do for boys. 

So the idea of sharing, when I try, it is mostly just tears along with my whole body hurting.  Despite being  able to go shop and have fun, at the end of the day because I feel like my soul is so fractured or nonexistent now, my self esteem is like on empty.

That's because I did accept myself a while back, no pills, no surgeries, only to instead of me coming out, friends and family.... just said how they would pray for me and hope the best then no longer spoke.

So sadly the only people i have in my life is online...

[Kirsten]

Not that it’ll help, but I’ve lost everything as well. Literally to the point where I walked into my apartment and had nothing left (not even clothes). Went to work the next day and found that my now ex told everyone about my secret. I was bullied and beaten up before I left for a new job. Lost my apartment because I lost my job as well. I lived in the back seat of a Mitsubishi Eclipse for 3 months until I got back on my feet. I thought I had friends. But I really didn’t. 

Thats when I stopped trusting people. Put up huge walls. And literally spent about 3 years high on excasty and coke. I was a total mess. I literally couldn’t tell you what changed, but somewhere in there I sure did. Nothing anyone told me changed anything for me. I just kept right on going with my insanity until I didn’t. 

 

Just try to know there is a path back to happy. I don’t know what it is. Or how to get you there. I won’t even try. But know there are people that will listen. And try to help. I’m sorry things are so hard for you. ❤️❤️❤️

Kirsten 

[DenimAndLace]

7 hours ago, Kirsten said:

... I used to say I started my transition in May. But I didn’t. I started it 30 years ago. Dressing up. Dreaming wishing and praying. It’s all part of it. But I did start something in May. I started accepting myself. I started sharing myself. I started being myself.

With or without some pills you can do this stuff. With or without surgeries you can accept who you are and start sharing that person with the world. So you aren’t on hrt.  And you have some parts of yourself you don’t like. That’s ok. Everyone does.  But I bet you have a lot you do like. And some of it’s probably been hidden a long time. Try sharing those things with the world. Try starting to be yourself and be happy with that person. The other things come. They take time. But the hardest step in transition isn’t getting on pills or having surgeries. It’s accepting yourself and loving who you are. Maybe the surgeries and pills will help that process. But you’re still gonna have to accept you no matter what.  ...

 

I couldn't have said it better myself!!!  It sounds like you're arriving at a very good place @Kirsten

 

[Kirsten]

❤️❤️ Thank you so much. 

[KymmieL]

I have noticed that I have had feminine traits since I was young. The way I sit, my tastes in clothing. The denial. It finally started to add up, that I am a woman inside. The dysphoria has always been there just realizing it took time.

The losing everything is one thing that scares the crap out of me. With going on 33 yrs of marriage. I cannot envision loosing it. While at times I have had the flee thoughts.  I hate just about everything about myself. I have over the course of 50+ years, learned to cope with it. Will I make a good looking woman, don't really think so. I however will be free. Free to be who I am. I guess that family and what limited friends I have will have to deal with it. Thankfully I technically wouldn't loose everything. I will have my VA disability.  

 

Kymmie

[Jani]

Kymmie it scared me as well but I was already so miserable what did I have to lose?  It was a facade that I was happy.  I haven't lost much of anything but I have realigned a few things.  In the big scheme of things, I made out in the deal.  I'm still here! 

Jani