What stares back at you?

[Michelle F]

My partner

 

[Michelle F]

What a beautiful man!

[Willow421]

On 10/15/2018 at 2:05 PM, MaryMary said:

well that's interesting. I'm also a member of the B cup club. The feeling you describe is exaclty the same feeling I feel.

I had the bottom surgery because to me it was necessary. But What I can tell you is that dysphoria will still be there even after GRS.

99% of people in my life call me "madam" and I still see myself like I have the same face I had before HRT. I still see the man in my traits. Some days, it drives me completely crazy and I would do every surgery until it's gone. Facial feminization? Trachea shave? Braking my bones so they can heal in the correct position, hips augmentation... name it, I would do it all.

 

TO ME (important precision here) gender dysphoria is akin to anorexia. I know, on a rational level, that I don't look the same as before but in my heart I still look the same and I feel that no amount of surgery or anything will ever fix that. To me gender dysphoria is just another mental illness. Even If I do, let's say, facial feminization I feel that my mind will fix itself to another detail and I will still feel just as much dysphoria. For me it's a real problem.

 

The only way I'm able to deal (and to really respond to your question) is to extract myself from a direct comparision with cis female. I'm trying to really integrate in my day to day "trans is beautifull". What I mean by that is to forget female beauty standards. To look at myself and position myself in a "trans woman" beauty standard. Yeah, I'm more ... bulky... then a cis woman but in a way I look tougher and if I dress myself properly (more rock and roll and develop my very own style as opposed to dress with flowery delicate dresses and stuff) I can reach a equilibrium where I kind of forge a third path that I call "Mary beautifull". You know, black skater dress with velvet purple lipstick, sunglasses, a necklace made with hermatite stones... I  think I look awesome. Not in a cis gender female, delicate, kind of way but in my own kind of way. The best way for me to deal is mainly to avoid comparison in my own mind (emphasis on that part). I place myself in a state of mind where I realize that I've lived many experience in my life playing the role of the 2 binary genders. I've dated as the two gender, made love with both genitals, I had a whole cliché cisgender male friend circle and a whole new friend circle that's more feminine (+ my past friend circle which is not gone). To me it kind of give me a new perspective on life and a certain kind of wisdom. I've lived with the fact that I'm transgender since puberty because I had physical manifestation that meant I was out even before knowing the word transgender, lol I think it's awesome. Our society see  trans as "less then" sometimes I feel but I'm trying to actually see this in a "more then" kind of way. Allll of this puts me in a more confident kind of mindset where I can be proud of who I am and where I am now.

 

I say all of this and I want to specify that yes, I'm humble. I don't say all of this to brag but to explain how I construct my self esteem and how I built around the dyshporia to give it less importance.

 

Very interesting topic, I feel I could go on and on

MaryMary, thank you for your perspective on what it means to "look" or pass as female. I'm nowhere near this stage and still trying to understand what my feelings really mean to me, seeing a therapist help me process the issues. Dressing in your own style is so important, thank you for reminding people about that. I love the picture you posted in your sunglasses. You look awesome! Willow

[Michelle F]

Very insightful, MaryMary!

[BrandiBri]

Finding our own style is so important in defining who we are. Me, I'm a "girly girl", but that is just who I am. 

 

Brandi