Dysphoria; what exactly is it?

[hmillerrr]

Okay hi. So through out my self discovery as ftm I've started looking back at my childhood in ways I hadn't before and I'm noticing things that show signs of being trans from the very beginning. Things such as picking up dandelions and wishing to be a boy, laying in bed at night and saying I wish to wake up as a boy, etc. But I'm told by my family that I'm not trans because I don't have dysphoria or at least not in the ways they've heard it or seen it and it got me questioning myself. And I just want some help on what dysphoria really is. I don't really mean the definition or anything but signs. What are some things you guys have experienced? Because I'm pretty sure I have struggled with dysphoria my whole life and just didn't know it and I find that I still don't 100% know it/ or fully understand how I'm feeling. What are signs (idk what right word to use) of dysphoria that often goes unnoticed or is not easily identified? Thank you for any response, I could really use it.

-Trevor

[Maid In Bedlam]

The signs i recall is some of my earliest memorys. At the time i did not really consider it any sort of Gender diffrence or dysphoria.I was about 4 or 5. So the memorys are not to clear. I recall having dolls. Im not sure where they came from i can only assume they was brought for me by my parents. I going back to the 70,s My mum and dad were very lovely people and I would in my terms from what i know now from the school of life call them liberal. I was an only child. I can still think back to playing with those dolls. Dressing them and feeding them and all the things that a girl of my age would with them.  I guess that is the one place i can pinpoint the start of my journey.

I also remember i had two girls who lived next door to me and spent much of my time playing games with them. I dont ever believe i wanted to desired to play with boys and boys games. I was very happy with the freinds i had.  Now if i fast forwald to about 9 or 10 My earliest memorys of wearing girls clothes. Going back to my 2 freinds next door we played dress up and i was happy to wear one of there dresses while our parents were not looking. by then i was kinda conditioned it wasnt the done thing for fear of being called names and ridiculed for this. I also remember my first expreiance wearing my mothers clothes. I use to go play in my bedroom. My mum and dads bedroom was next to mine and many a time i use to sneak in and find something to wear from mums wardrobe and trying them on in my bedroom while praying that no one came upstairs and catching me.

 

Its quite sad that i can recall things that happened 45 years ago but have trouble recalling what happened last week ☺️

[VickySGV]

Dysphoria as I have written before means Terrible Burden. There is no one way to feel this burden and still be Trans to some degree.  Every one of us can write our own book on what it is like, and the book will be true and describe GD.  To really know what GD is like, you have to have it and it is with you 24/365+.  I truly doubt that your parents spend that much time thinking about or living with GD that they can own.  When we tell our stories to other GD people we find  parts that are the same and  parts that are far different.

I had several levels of being different as a child, one of which was a medical condition that kept me from being directed to "boy" activities such as sports and rougher play styles.  I had no choice but to do things others considered "girl" but I liked doing them.  I behaved as a medically challenged boy and not a girl, but the result was the same in what I liked and preferred to do.  (My father did not support what I did, but it was doctors orders.)  So I can truthfully say I did not exhibit the issues of a Trans Child, but here I am. 

 

If you consistently feel that you are living the wrong gender, and that it is persisting over time, and insistently interferes with your enjoyment of life as your assigned gender, the rest is window dressing and superficial. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Trevor,

The first thing I would like to say on this is that dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. If you were born into a female body, but feel you are male instead, that's it. Boiled down, that's pretty much what being f2m transgender is. You can feel anywhere between and be trans too. This goes even if you don't feel pain or discomfort with your body or parts of it.

 

As for me, I never changed my clothes in front of a mirror, because the sight I saw seemed hideous to me. What I do now is cover those parts that really bother me and hide them from my minds eye. I try to see the over all impression of myself as I'm supposed to be as best I can, rather than focusing on those specific area's that offend me. It certainly doesn't fix it, but it usually makes it easier.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Robin]

Hi Trevor,

 

The media stereotype transgender person has always had a clear idea of who they are since birth.  They always chose the clothes and toys of the opposite sex, and the only problems occurred when the parents or schools would not accept them. 

 

My experience has not been anywhere near as straightforward as that.  I have always felt different, but rather than having a clear identity, I have always been trying to understand what I am doing wrong, in order to be able to correct it and fit in.  Looking back, it becomes apparent that I was experiencing gender dysphoria, but it was certainly not obvious at the time, especially as there was no information available in those days.

 

It is impossible to say how one is supposed to feel and behave, as what is normal for one person might be shocking for someone else.  That is why it is very difficult to "prove" that you really are transgender, especially to yourself.  I struggle with this, and I am sure that many other people do as well.

 

Robin.

 

[hmillerrr]

On 10/28/2018 at 11:04 AM, Robin said:

Hi Trevor,

 

The media stereotype transgender person has always had a clear idea of who they are since birth.  They always chose the clothes and toys of the opposite sex, and the only problems occurred when the parents or schools would not accept them. 

 

My experience has not been anywhere near as straightforward as that.  I have always felt different, but rather than having a clear identity, I have always been trying to understand what I am doing wrong, in order to be able to correct it and fit in.  Looking back, it becomes apparent that I was experiencing gender dysphoria, but it was certainly not obvious at the time, especially as there was no information available in those days.

 

It is impossible to say how one is supposed to feel and behave, as what is normal for one person might be shocking for someone else.  That is why it is very difficult to "prove" that you really are transgender, especially to yourself.  I struggle with this, and I am sure that many other people do as well.

 

Robin.

 

Oh my gosh this is exactly how I have felt my whole life!! Thank you a lot @Robin did you ever decide to medically transition? Bc that's kind of where I'm at right now as far making the next step.

[hmillerrr]

On 10/27/2018 at 5:47 PM, VickySGV said:

Dysphoria as I have written before means Terrible Burden. There is no one way to feel this burden and still be Trans to some degree.  Every one of us can write our own book on what it is like, and the book will be true and describe GD.  To really know what GD is like, you have to have it and it is with you 24/365+.  I truly doubt that your parents spend that much time thinking about or living with GD that they can own.  When we tell our stories to other GD people we find  parts that are the same and  parts that are far different.

I had several levels of being different as a child, one of which was a medical condition that kept me from being directed to "boy" activities such as sports and rougher play styles.  I had no choice but to do things others considered "girl" but I liked doing them.  I behaved as a medically challenged boy and not a girl, but the result was the same in what I liked and preferred to do.  (My father did not support what I did, but it was doctors orders.)  So I can truthfully say I did not exhibit the issues of a Trans Child, but here I am. 

 

If you consistently feel that you are living the wrong gender, and that it is persisting over time, and insistently interferes with your enjoyment of life as your assigned gender, the rest is window dressing and superficial. 

Thank you @VickySGV I really hope you have found your peace in all of your burdens. ?

[hmillerrr]

On 10/28/2018 at 11:55 AM, MaryMary said:

 in my personnal life it's shame and distress triggered by physical traits. I will risk saying something frowned upon but to me it's akin to a body dysmorphia problem like anorexia but aimed towards gender. I would do anything to make any masculine trait disapear. For me it's totally not rational. Luckily I've seen psychologists (3 to be exact) that gave me advice to deal with it.

There's a lot of shame that goes with it. In my childhood that was the main way it had an impact on my life. I was isolating myself and had not much social interactions. I remember whole weeks alone on the playground. I was not equiped to deal with it at that age and it was spilling in a lot of sphere of my life.

When I was a teenager I was very depressive and suicidal. I've been in various state of depression from 13-32 y/o. I had a problem with my voice that never changed to a deeper male voice and I was a victim of a lot of intimidation. I think that this voice problem was due to stress (that's what specialists told me) and more then likely caused by dysphoria and the stress related to that spilling on my physical health. Dyphoria had a lot of other impact on my health due to just too much stress and anxiety.

I could talk about it for long. I have a lot of dysphoria. Not everybody have that much and some transgender people don't have dysphoria at all and are still trans*. I think that in a strange way dysphoria prepared me to be openly trans and happy. Today I'm living far better with that mental illness. My dyphoria was so overwhelming and had so much impact in my life that for me transition was a win on all front because I was able to take care of that mental illness. I still have some moments of sadness and deep shame but it's going pretty well these days.

One trait is typical with me : it take me a long time to realize when things are not going well. It took me a lot of time to admit I was a victim of abuse and that I had "gender dysphoria". Sometime it can be a good idea to see a therapist just to take a deep look in the mirror.

 

I've mentionned some big things in my life that were triggered by dyphoria but I would like to note some minor things too : I love to dance, I LOVE it. But I'm absolutelly unable to dance in public because i'm too ashamed of my body and years of shame have left me unable to do these kinds of things. It's small but it's an example none the less. Like many symptoms a lot of people could related to that problem and they have the same problem for different reasons. Gender dysphoria can be dealth with and I suggest not just by surgery but by work on one's own mental health too.

Thank you for help on this subject @MaryMary I really appreciate all that u respond to as far as your struggle I really admire you for fighting it the best you can and trying to find happiness. I really really hope you can some day dance shamelessly, I'm sure you are absolutely wonderful!

[hmillerrr]

On 10/27/2018 at 1:19 PM, Maid In Bedlam said:

The signs i recall is some of my earliest memorys. At the time i did not really consider it any sort of Gender diffrence or dysphoria.I was about 4 or 5. So the memorys are not to clear. I recall having dolls. Im not sure where they came from i can only assume they was brought for me by my parents. I going back to the 70,s My mum and dad were very lovely people and I would in my terms from what i know now from the school of life call them liberal. I was an only child. I can still think back to playing with those dolls. Dressing them and feeding them and all the things that a girl of my age would with them.  I guess that is the one place i can pinpoint the start of my journey.

I also remember i had two girls who lived next door to me and spent much of my time playing games with them. I dont ever believe i wanted to desired to play with boys and boys games. I was very happy with the freinds i had.  Now if i fast forwald to about 9 or 10 My earliest memorys of wearing girls clothes. Going back to my 2 freinds next door we played dress up and i was happy to wear one of there dresses while our parents were not looking. by then i was kinda conditioned it wasnt the done thing for fear of being called names and ridiculed for this. I also remember my first expreiance wearing my mothers clothes. I use to go play in my bedroom. My mum and dads bedroom was next to mine and many a time i use to sneak in and find something to wear from mums wardrobe and trying them on in my bedroom while praying that no one came upstairs and catching me.

 

Its quite sad that i can recall things that happened 45 years ago but have trouble recalling what happened last week ☺️

Thank you so much for your response. I definitely relate as I started locking my door at about 12/13 and tuck my hair in a beanie and "act" as masculine as I wanted etc. ... I didn't know that could be seen as dysphoria. I really really hope you've found your happiness and rock anything you want bc I'm sure you look great @Maid In Bedlam

[hmillerrr]

On 10/28/2018 at 10:24 AM, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Trevor,

The first thing I would like to say on this is that dysphoria is not a requirement for being trans. If you were born into a female body, but feel you are male instead, that's it. Boiled down, that's pretty much what being f2m transgender is. You can feel anywhere between and be trans too. This goes even if you don't feel pain or discomfort with your body or parts of it.

 

As for me, I never changed my clothes in front of a mirror, because the sight I saw seemed hideous to me. What I do now is cover those parts that really bother me and hide them from my minds eye. I try to see the over all impression of myself as I'm supposed to be as best I can, rather than focusing on those specific area's that offend me. It certainly doesn't fix it, but it usually makes it easier.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

Thank you for all the responses @Timber Wolf. I'm really grateful for all the help you have given me. I'm so glad you have the strength to fight it continuously, I'm glad to have you in my life even if it is just in this forum

[VickySGV]

2 minutes ago, hmillerrr said:

Thank you @VickySGV I really hope you have found your peace in all of your burdens. ?

 

It has been 10 years working on it and things are pretty good and pretty stable.  That is why I am here to talk to you folks just getting started on the trip.

[Maid In Bedlam]

16 hours ago, hmillerrr said:

. I really really hope you've found your happiness and rock anything you want bc I'm sure you look great @Maid In Bedlam

 

Why thank you ☺️

 

Yes i found my Utopia. I do have my off days like everyone else. It was a rocky path to get here with a fair few pitfulls along the way but

I now have never been more happier at this time in my life. As happy as i was when i was that child. I hope you also reach your own personal Utopia soon. regardless of the stumbles you may have along the way

[hmillerrr]

Thank you so much @Maid In Bedlam it means the world. Idk if ur on hrt but if you are do you feel like that plays a big part as I feel it would for me? Idk I just feel like I'm at a point where the only way to know if I'll achieve happiness is if I get on them. N everyone keeps telling to wait and see but it's like the only way I know of its right for me is to try it. I'm not happy with my life right n I feel like looking like a female on the outside is contributing to that. Idk

[Robin]

Hi Trevor,

 

I am currently in a similar position to yourself.  I am trying to find the best way to be as happy as possible with myself. 

 

Just understanding the fact that I am transgender, rather than thinking that I am doing something wrong, has already made a massive difference to me.

 

Robin.

[hmillerrr]

10 hours ago, Robin said:

Hi Trevor,

 

I am currently in a similar position to yourself.  I am trying to find the best way to be as happy as possible with myself. 

 

Just understanding the fact that I am transgender, rather than thinking that I am doing something wrong, has already made a massive difference to me.

 

Robin.

Maybe that's ultimately the best step right now. I've definitely harboured a lot of shame bc of it even at a very very young age. Thank you so much @Robin

[Maid In Bedlam]

On 10/31/2018 at 12:57 AM, hmillerrr said:

Thank you so much @Maid In Bedlam it means the world. Idk if ur on hrt but if you are do you feel like that plays a big part as I feel it would for me?

 

 

In answer to your enquiry been on Hormones for just under 2 years now.

No it didnt change fundementally me or my feelings towald my ultimate goal of living my life the way I believe it was suppose to be.

But it helped me to achieve those goals.

When i introspect my life i felt going full time  was not the end of the book of past but the beginning of another chapter of my life. I emphasize another chapter. However that still didnt stop me from mourning the passing of the old me and all I was.

I had my share of hard knocks and there were points where i see nothing but No future, No hope, and just broken dreams.

But Cutting a very long story short. It was inevitable i had stand on your own two feet and seek my own forfilment.

It can sometimes and especially in my case needed a life changing effort. For some its to much to make it due nto there life choices up until that point,  But I personally think if something you want seems out of reach then you just reach further until it is in your grasp. To put in perspective For me it involved the end of a 20 year marriage and the Reloaction to technically another country. It may not be easy but It is my life and i only have one. So i will live it how i want for good or bad. As i said previously. I am now more happy than i have ever been  I am stealth.  Hense you wont find a picture of me online as i strive towald my anonymity of course No one i know now other than a chosen few know of my old identity. and i am now whole and happy. Im not sure if im complete yet Only time will tell but im much closer to it than any other point in my life.

There is hope for you if you believe in what you do.

[Lorraine]

I think TimberWolf said it best: " If you were born into a female body, but feel you are male instead, that's it."

 

" Because I'm pretty sure I have struggled with dysphoria my whole life and just didn't know it and I find that I still don't 100% know it/ or fully understand how I'm feeling."

l also think you should focus less on trying to fit into some definition, and rather concentrate on understanding who you are, and how you want/need to live the rest of your  life.

Being trans or something other than male or female is not easy. Just ask those trying to do just that.

[MarcieMarie12]

For me, I felt that dysphoria come and go, but the longer I've transitioned the more it was that I never knew I could be this happy before. It did take me some time to figure out that I wanted to transition, and it surprised me how fast I actually did. From my first steps out the door, to going full time except work was 2 months. I was out at work about 8 months in and had been on HRT. I got my surgery about 18 months after I started my surgery. But everything just felt right, and not to do so was a fate worse than death. I am over three years know and I have my moments with dysphoria, but they are much less severe and are typically triggered by feeling any facial hair and sometimes my voice and rarely my face and chest---so little that I don't think about surgery too often. I do pass and feel that the  majority of the time I can deal with it. 

[Kirsten]

Dysphoria to me is simple. The inability to feel right no matter what you do. And I tried. And tried. And tried yet again. From drugs to women to family and kids. Jobs cars houses and anything else money could by. Even things like bungee jumping, xtreme snowboarding, quads, racing, rock climbing, and any other adrenaline rush I could find. 

None of it worked. I never felt like me. I always felt like I was doing what I should. Not what I wanted. 

Thats dysphoria to me. That inability to fill that void. No matter what you try. No matter how great you make everything else. You still have that space. However it’s manifested for you. Physical. Emotional. Sexual. Whatever-al. That’s my dysphoria. 

Transitioning and not pretending has filled that hole for me. I still feel dysphoric about things but no longer is it unmanageable. And it’s slowly ending alltogether. 

Kirsten

[DeeDee]

On 10/28/2018 at 6:04 PM, Robin said:

The media stereotype transgender person has always had a clear idea of who they are since birth.  They always chose the clothes and toys of the opposite sex, and the only problems occurred when the parents or schools would not accept them. 

 

My experience has not been anywhere near as straightforward as that.

I was so very, very happy to read this and the other responses (not that people have experienced dysphoria but that there is such a wide spectrum of experiences) - part of the reason I am questioning is the fact that I have not grown up feeling trapped in that way, it simply never crossed my mind that maybe I wasn't meant to be what I was born as - what I do know is that I have always struggled with my sense of self worth because I have always tried (and failed) to live up to what I thought were other people's expectations of me - as son, brother, boyfriend, man, mate, husband, father, colleague - the dysphoria section that I most strongly associate with is that my thinking patterns and reactions are more like my sisters than my male friends and when I am in female clothes I feel happier and more content and in some respects more confident even though I've never left the house.  As a follow up question to the original post, can I ask - How do you know if you are experiencing gender dysphoria or if you have simply identified that you are unhappy with a particular aspect of your life?

[Bad]

On 11/25/2018 at 10:06 AM, SeekingSadie said:

I have always struggled with my sense of self worth because I have always tried (and failed) to live up to what I thought were other people's expectations of me - as son, brother, boyfriend, man, mate, husband, father, colleague - the dysphoria section that I most strongly associate with is that my thinking patterns and reactions are more like my sisters than my male friends and when I am in female clothes I feel happier and more content and in some respects more confident even though I've never left the house. 

 

This is my experience as well, only in the other direction (FtM). I'm so glad you posted this. It kind of sounds like it would be called psychological and social gender dysphoria.

[DeeDee]

Thanks Bad.  I have found a lot of things resonating from others experiences too, finding a place where I feel balanced would be nice!