Good advice from Jani. Really good on you for being supportive. My spouse is not so supportive of me, but we are still together and I do love her dearly. I can’t see it from your perspective, but I can tell you what I want from my wife, which may be similar to your wife’s, maybe it will help you some.
1) Acceptance that I am not Cis and that I don’t truly know yet what I need to be comfortable within myself.
It sounds like you’re already working on this one.
2) Time. Time for both of us to process our feelings, find an understanding and work through challenges. What today may seem like a deal breaker for either of us, with time and #3 we may find acceptance, understanding and compromise.
As this all happened yesterday for you, this may be really pertinent.
3) Honest and open dialogue. She needs to know how I feel and I know to know how she feels. Without this, we will never be able to discuss the challenges each of us are facing and overcome them. This also includes sharing what hard lines exist today for us both.
It sounds like you already have this in place, so don’t let it slip.
4) The ability to self express my identity when I need to. I can suppress for awhile, but the longer I do, the more I hurt.
5) Some compromises. Like any other part of a relationship, there needs to be compromises. It can’t be all one sided.
I hope you find some of this helpful. *hugs*
I am in this mode still too. Shopping "male" but being female inside is hard for me now. My wife does help me at times when out shopping. She finds such great deals for the clothing I truly want. Which in itself is female training on her part. LOL
We have even bough some of it together. She gets mad that I am in a smaller size pant/legging then she is. Though Id trade her for her hips and butt any day!
I am not slowing my transition for anyone any longer, I am not speeding down the highway either. I am letting it happen organically. ON hold this month still. My continued coming out will be in January. Tough ones coming up for me but I have to do it. I am an impatient girl.
Its always a personal choice to do what and when and how fast when talking about transition. I respect your feelings on what you are deciding to do. Good Luck my friend.
Possibly going out shopping with a colleague and friend from work. It is a yearly tradition where we go out shopping for our wives and family, usually grabbing some dinner too. This is male mode shopping as I am still not out. Not sure I’m going to socially transition anytime soon in an effort to save my marriage.
I look forward to this as he’s a good friend and he works remotely, so we don’t get together often.
Got a chill today, hoping my tea warms me up.
Have a great day everyone. *hugs*
I think it is wise to plan for a future with and without your marriage. Planning does not mean doing. Just making sure you will be taken care of if anything happens.
I agree with Jani, try to find a common ground. Right now it seems impossible. But given time everybody will absorb what's going on and think about it better once the hurt and pain and shock of it all fades. As has been said before, we have had a lot of time to process this issue. The consider things. Our wives have not and it will take them time too. I'm not saying she will make a 100% turn around but surely she cares enough about the family to at least talk about it and try to make things better.
I find this is happening in my marriage. Though it is still on a course of the big D like you say, it is more a transformation of itself into something that will keep us together, in part, just not legally married after a certain point. I too am trying to prepare for a future with out her.
But the stress of it all is fading each day and we seem to be doing good for now. Day by day is all we can do.
Dentist and Therapy today.
So it's going to be less fun: no drawing but maybe a little guitar playing later.
Time to make coffee and get started.
Snowy weather predicted for the day too.
I am not so warm and fuzzy about driving in that.
Cheers and a big hug for all.
I know that I become too obsesive and that I am kind of overemoitonal and a bit too honest even when my opinion is consisted of pure naivity/stupidty.
I will share with you my struggled, poor, Enlgish writngs on Medium, my profile.
You know: If we going to fail, let's do it on a bigger stage! LOL
At this point in the year, near Christmas, I get bouncy to the extreme - so up and down, one time major depression then a bit later happy again. It started me, just after Christmas last year, going out for walks several days a week as these seemed to cure my depression and do keep me fitter (and busier as I usually do over ten and occasionally toward twenty miles a week out in the countryside). It was bad at the end of last week but I am Ok at the moment, looking forward to my daily pot of coffee. I think the dreary weather has a lot to do with it.
Enjoy your day everyone!
A bit like the blackboard chalk the teacher used to throw across the room?
It wasn't my first but I still have a Vic-20. I bought it cheap when a shop was clearing stock to use for interfacing. It's some while since I powered it up though.
More seriously though Aidan - As Charlize said, hang in there, it does get better with time. Keeping yourself busy, as you have to, at least keeps you occupied. Plan to what you can do when the time comes as it sounds like to may have little help from home.
Thank you all!
If it becomes unbearable it's sure that I might not continue reading it. As I said for now the forewords from Ruth Barrett and Germaine Greer (we know who the second one is for sure) are the transphobic part, but I am at the beigining.
So I prepared the antidotes, as well: Julia Serano's classic "Whipping Girl" and my own counter-points review at Medium.