Having trouble figuring out what I want.

[My name isn’t Megan]

I’m a twenty year old who was born male, but recently I’ve been inclined to believe that I wish to transition to being a woman. I’ve just recently informed my parents of how I feel, who were supportive, if not a little confused. This is a somewhat recent development in my life; growing up, I didn’t have a lot of female tendencies (like wanting to wear a dress or play with girl’s toys), and I never felt uncomfortable with a male body. Across the span of this year, however, I’ve felt this nagging curiosity about what it would be like to become a girl. This curiosity has grown in recent months, so much that I think about it almost every day. The suddent growth of these feelings is what has me conflicted; I feel very strongly that I would be happier as a girl, but I don’t know why I feel so strongly all of a suddent. My mom thinks it might have something to do with outside influence (like media or friends or my antidepressants, Zoloft EQ for reference), and I’m honestly unsure as to exactly why myself. I plan to seek out a geneder therapist to help me with the process, but I’m looking for any advice that I can get as to how I can figure out who I am, who I want to be, and how I can get there. 

 

Thanks very much for reading!

[Jani]

Hello and welcome!   The idea that your thoughts are due to social media, friends or your medication is unfounded.  It's none of that.  Seeking the counsel of a therapist is a good idea.  Coming to realize you are not the gender you were raised as doesn't always happen when we are young, or older for that matter.  It's all very personal and not to be thought of as following a strict timeline.  Many of us MtF grow up participating in very masculine activities seemingly as a way of proving to ourselves we are OK.  But of course, we are OK.  This is our normal and no one can take that from you.  

 

Talk with your therapist, be honest, and determine what you want and need to do.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[My name isn’t Megan]

Thanks for the input, Jani! Aside from seeking a therapist, would you recommend anything else to help me on the path to discovery? I had been considering some experimentation with cross dressing, but I’d be open to other ideas!

Thanks again

[Susan R]

Hi there, "My name isn't Megan".  It's nice to meet you and I'm glad you stumbled upon our little home away from home.  I can only speak for myself by saying all I did as a child was secretly experiment with cross-dressing and trying to be as feminine as possible.  I would be a hypocrite saying you shouldnt start cross-dressing.  However, it's a very personal choice and one with potentially huge repercussions in your life...and IMO, one that you have to decide for yourself.

Therapy will help get your bearings once you get in to talk with a knowledgeable professional.  It helped me immensely.  I think it might be a good first step along with discussing these issues with others here.

 

Susan R?

[My name isn’t Megan]

Thanks Susan!  

[Jani]

First lets get a little more comfortable. What is your preferred name, if not Megan?

 

Other things I would suggest it to read as much as you can about others journeys.  This will normalize things a little as you begin to see yourself in their stories.  Look at the stories of the people here.  So many similarities yet so different.  

 

If you can find a transgender support group you may find it to be enlightening to meet and talk with others face to face.  I found these in northern VA, but I know there must be others.   

 

James River Transgender Society (JRTS), http://www.jrts.org/

Services Provided: Support and social group for MTF trans persons

 

The Bird Cage-Trans Support Group

MCC Parish House 2503 Park Ave. Richmond, Va

Phone: 804.353.9477

 

Do you have a good friend you could confide in?  Probably a female friend would be best to start speaking with.  

 

Cheers, Jani

[My name isn’t Megan]

Hey again, Jani. You can call me Megan! The user name is a rather silly attempt to sound profound on my part ?. I have some friends online that I can talk to, but their advice has been somewhat limited, if not supportive. As for real life friends, I don’t feel comfortable telling them about my issues and feelings in this regard at the moment. My parents seem convinced that I’m simply confused right now... which to be fair, IS true; however, I still have strong feelings towards becoming a girl. My questions seem to always come back to “why do I feel like this?”. Until I find the answer to that question, I’m very uncertain about my way forward (aside from seeking the advice of a gender therapist). Is there a good way to look inward and find that answer?

[SugarMagnolia]

OMG, Megan, I obsessed over that question for a LONG time. I really wanted to understand why: was it something that happened while my mom was pregnant with me, something in my DNA or the way my brain developed? So many possibilities. 

In the end, I realized that I'd never truly know for sure, and I was finally able to just accept it and not worry about why. Science is not conclusive on this issue and so there's no universal diagnostic test that will confirm our feelings and explain why. That's a hard thing to accept, or at least it was for me. ?

 

I'm curious to hear what other people will say about how to look inward and find that answer. For me, I think it was making small steps and seeing if they felt right and then taking the next step and seeing how I felt about that. I suppose they're little experiments in which you get to test how you feel on the inside.

Hugs, 
Julie

[Kirsten]

I think you feel that way simply because you do. I used to ask why all the time. And I literally wasted decades on that question. The truth of the matter is that the why isn’t always important. 

So I ask you why not? Why not feel like this? Is it a bad thing? Other than social stigmas there is no reason to not feel this way. And social stigmas are not truth or rules. They are simply ideas put in place long ago. But it doesn’t make them right or wrong. They just are. 

I think looking inward is a wonderful idea. Allow yourself to explore your feelings. Try new things with an open mind. See what sticks and what doesn’t. 

For now I wouldn’t worry too much. It sounds like you have a great supporting cast to lean on which is great. If I were in your shoes I’d simply have fun. Try some things I found curious and see where it all leads. 

Good luck Megan! 

Kirsten

[My name isn’t Megan]

Thanks Magnolia and Kirsten! ?❤️

[Susan R]

3 hours ago, My name isn’t Megan said:

My questions seem to always come back to “why do I feel like this?”. Until I find the answer to that question, I’m very uncertain about my way forward (aside from seeking the advice of a gender therapist). Is there a good way to look inward and find that answer?

Hi Megan, that is the million dollar question right there.  I always thought it was unfair that I had this feeling of being female in a male body and no one else I knew had these same feelings.  I was able to forget about it a bit until puberty came along.  I remember thinking something mentally or physically developed wrong during puberty that has caused this.  Because it was out of my control at that time.  I really didn't know who to talk to about it either.  I was sure it would pass over time.  It never did.  Even after my final major purge of "almost" everything female that I owned in my 30's, it never stopped.  Twenty one or so years after that, I finally gave up fighting it and with the help of my therapist, I concluded it's just part of who I am.  There was never going to be a pill to change my feeling that I'm a woman inside.  But I knew that I could change my body.  And after being on HRT for 2 mos,  I realize I am a woman inside, it's not just a feeling

 

Susan R?.

[My name isn’t Megan]

Thanks, Susan ?

[DeeDee]

On 11/19/2018 at 11:42 PM, Kirsten said:

So I ask you why not? Why not feel like this? Is it a bad thing? Other than social stigmas there is no reason to not feel this way.

Well that just hit me like a ton of bricks. ? Had genuinely not thought about my questioning from that perspective!

 

Megan, I wish you all the best and hope you find the answers that make you, you.