Sometimes I wonder if I'm trans or just crazy

[LittleRed]

Is this normal? I'm not on HRT and this morning I'm imagining and wishing I could be pregnant. My wife and I had six children and every pregnancy, I had a small part of me wondering what it would be like to have life growing inside me. I realize the near impossibility but wish it to be true.

 

Sometimes I feel legitimately like I'm a woman and it feels right to wear womans clothing, a wig, and makeup. I even feel like I naturally pull it off externally as if my personality changes slightly but it feels relaxed and perfectly comfortable.

 

Other times, I feel like I'm looking at what I'm doing from the "outside in" as if I'm a crazy person whose mind is getting further from reality. Does this happen to a lot of trans people? Is this a normal struggle?

 

I hope these thoughts don't offend or hurt anyone.

[VickySGV]

We have to be a little crazy, but there are places where that is a blessing that others miss out on.  We are crazy enough to dream of how others have lived their lives and try to make that our own set of feelings.  We are crazy enough to challenge other peoples conceptions of how our life must be lived.  We are crazy enough to think that our lives matter and that our dreams can mean something to others.  The list goes on of ways we are crazy according to others. 

Our truth though is that our lives are not determined by others no matter how hard we try.  We may  not bear children from our own wombs, but we do our best to protect our children and teach them to protect others.  Longing to be the ultimate protection for our children as their mother's womb was is an asset, so long as we do not insist that they become like us. 

 

I have known even before I began Transition that if all the rest of the world was sane, I was glad to be crazy.

[Anders]

I totally get what you're talking about, LittleRed. I feel this way sometimes too. As far as I can understand, I think it's fairly normal. Especially if you're still not used to how you look/feel when presenting as this gender. Just know that you're still you. No matter what gender you identify as. 

[Kirsten]

The childbirth idea is one that I have always struggled with. It’s one of my toughest dysphoric feelings. To carry life within myself is just something I’ve always felt like I am supposed to know. Unfortunately I’ll never have this come true. I have dressed for that look though. I guess make believe is as close as is possible. I will say that since starting hrt that is one thing that has subsided. At least some. 

I don’t think that is crazy though. As I’ve lived this new open lifestyle I have come to realize that I am female. And most, of not all, women feel this way at least for a moment. So I think it’s pretty normal. 

The feelings of being male or female like you describe I think are also very normal in the trans community. We are struggling with our own identities. It’s a hard realization to make. Or it was for me at least. A year ago I was scared to accept that I was trans. I knew I wasn’t your “average male” but I wasn’t willing to accept trans. I could dress up and feel like it was right. But I could do the same thing and just think I had to stop doing this cause I’m a guy. Or that it was all just a hobby or a release of some kind. But eventually I started to see my truth. Of who I was. 

Now I see normal as a much wider range of ideas. Normal for me simply means you enjoy life, love others, and are willing to share yourself. 

[LittleRed]

This makes me feel a little bit better. I'm finding myself stuck in a place between what feels right as a woman and occasionally realizing that I must be totally losing it - a "man" who feels like a "woman" and has visions and desires to have and nurse babies. It honestly racks my brain sometimes and I don't know if I'll ever know what it means to feel normal or grounded. Totally makes me sad and frustrated with myself.

[Willow]

LittleRed,

 

I have known for a long time that something wasn't what I knew or thought to be normal about myself.  But my feelings would come and go making all that much more confusing.  When I started therapy I was convinced that I needed help and that I was very feminine at the time.  After about 2 months of therapy, and being given a green light for HRT by my therapist, I balked.  Am I really transgender or am I just a little messed up.  The therapist picked up the book of guidelines turned to the chapter on gender dysphoria and started through everything I had told him.  We talked about this, check, we talked about that, check.  Before long we had gone through many of the flags for being trans and and checked them all.  You are transgendered.  Now what you chose to do is up to you.  

 

I have envied girls that were pregnant.  I really want my own breasts and some other body changes but six months later I still haven't tried to get HRT started.  That may change soon, I've at least requested HRT from my doctor who is referring me to an endocrinologist to determine if it is safe for me and at what dose and type if it is.

 

I think it is good to question and not just jump in blindly because you have certain desires.  But, I do agree that the idea of pregnancy is the ultimate of being feminine.  I've heard they aren't that many years off from womb transplantation.  Maybe you could still have a chance at pregnancy and having your own child some day.

 

Willow

[Jani]

You may be crazy but that's a whole other conversation!  As Vicky says we all have to be a little crazy.  I know I certainly am. ??

 

I have never had the desire to be a parent from the "other" side.  That is me and it does not invalidate your feelings or needs at all.  You are unique and it is good to understand your feelings.  Even though it is (now) impossible, admitting such allows you to better cope with the reality. 

 

Jani   

[LittleRed]

I spoke with a friend today, who has had some similar thoughts. She is also a transgender woman and has been very helpful to talk to about these things too.

 

I think I feel a bit better tonight. If anything, this is just another reason why I can't deny that I must have the mind and heart of a woman. I have six wonderful children and over the years I've always felt that I have been somewhat motherly to them - even before I thought I was transgender. I have been a good dad to them and still am... but I've always felt a little motherly to them as well.

 

There is probably no way I would ever be able to have a pregnancy. I'm 35 years old and even if I started HRT and fully transitioned within 3 or 4 years, it would be really too risky for a near 40-year-old woman to go through such a new procedure to have a uterus transplanted and become pregnant. I don't think I'll be too sad about this in the long run. If anything, these are feelings that validate who I am. I just need to hopefully stop feeling like I'm losing my mind over thoughts like this.

 

Thank you all for chiming i on this. It feels good to know I'm not alone.